A Different Kind of Love, chapter 23
It was four in morning, and Mike and Tre were sound asleep in the hospital cafeteria, thinking Billie Joe wanted to be alone. He did.
Billie was sitting in the dark hospital room, illuminated by the glow of the window behind him. Billie lowered his head and rubbed his eyes sleepily. He tapped his foot and wished he had his guitar. He smiled. He'd love to teach Zach guitar. Billie took another sip of his coffee and drew in a deep breath. He watched Zach do the same. Everything was silent after two o clock in a hospital. Zach began to moan lightly and Billie sat up straighter. He began to panic. What would he tell him, he had to tell him something..but everytime he tried thinking how to tell Zach about his life he seemed to feel less like a father, less respected, and more like a friend...
"Billie..." whispered Zach, smiling painfully. Billie Joe beamed nervously, glad Zach was awake. Billie slipped his hand into Zach's soft palm and felt an instant connection. He then knew Zach would understand everything.
"Hey buddy...how you feeling?" asked Billie, sitting his coffee down and moving closer to Zach's bed. Zach smiled.
"Good...better. I feel happy while you're here." Zach said. It was the first time Billie had seen him smile completely, in all aspects. And he knew why. He stroked Zach's fingers with his own and felt with each stroke they were connecting deeper and deeper. They were like family, and they were both going to survive being abused. Billie Joe looked at Zach's hands and recalled all the times he had wished someone else would have been going through what he had, wishing someone would talk to him, understand him. He knew he was now that person for Zach..and he knew he couldn't keep it secret.
"Zach.." Billie began. Zach looked worried and tried to sit up.
"Ow..." he groaned, and Billie helped him back down onto the cushions.
"Don't sit up buddy, it will only hurt you." Zach nodded and now started to stroke Billie's fingers, trying to comfort him. Zach knew something was wrong. He felt sick. He'd done something wrong. He knew it.
"Do you know why I want to be your daddy?" Billie asked, looking sadly at Zach. Zach shook his head.
"You still do don't you?" he shakily replied, terrified the answer would be no.
"Of course I do..but do you know why?" he continued. Zach looked deeply at Billie, and Billie knew he had to pour everything he could into Zach, and knew Zach would be the only person that could ever understand.
"Because I'm just like you Zach. My daddy hit me too. My daddy touched me too. He wasn't my daddy, but I'm just like you, my daddy died when I was very little, just like your mummy died. But my mummy got married again, and the man she got married to hurt me a lot. Just like your daddy hurts you. Exactly like he hurts you. I know how bad it can feel..." Billie confessed. He was so glad he did. He saw in Zachs eyes absoloutely no pity. Zach understood, just like Billie knew he would.
Mike and Tre were great friends, the best...but they could never understand. They viewed the situation with sadness, yet Zach's eyes seemed to just hold something deep inside them and share a bond with the same something Billie had kept locked away, all those years he was hurt.
"You're step daddy hurt you too.." Zach repeated to himself.
"Did your mummy find out? Did you ever tell her?" Zach asked. Billie smiled. Zach was amazingly asking all the questions Billie wanted to talk about.
"No. You see, I was bigger than you when he did all of this to me. I was thirteen...and he did it to me until I was seventeen. When I was seventeen I left my house, my town. By the time I was that age, Zach, I could move out. I moved to go on tour, in a van with uncle mike and tre, and before I went I told my mummy what he did to me." Billie Joe remembered, looking back on it with pain.
"What did she say..?" asked Zach, who kept looking at Billie in his eyes, and Billie looked back. He was so glad to have someone who finally understood, even if he was so young, Zach had managed to give Billie the best help in his life.
"She said...she said for me to leave. She said I was a liar and I was on drugs." Billie felt a stab of pain. His mum had never even fucking believed him.
"That's not true. So you never ever got to tell anyone what he did to you...no one ever listened to you. Didn't that hurt?" asked Zach, who kept looking intently at Billie, again, with no pity. Again, with a look that only someone who had been through what Billie had been through would understand.
"Yes. It did hurt. A lot. It hurt a lot, because he wasn't my daddy and I knew my real daddy would never have done that to me." Billie Joe said. That was the only difference between them. Zach's real father, Billie's step father.
"I feel like you're my real daddy Billie Joe...I feel that when he does it me he's like a step daddy...not ever my real daddy...a real daddy never should hurt their son. Did you ever feel, when he hit you, and especially when he touched you, that you were so ugly..and so small and weak?" asked Zach, as tears started to form. Billie Joe cried immediately. Zach understood everything Billie never thought anyone had.
Everything he held inside him since he was thirteen came pouring out. He sobbed and rested his head in Zach's bed sheets.
"Yes...fucking hell yes..." he whimpered, crying heavily into Zach's bed. Zach cried lightly also, and rubbed Billie's hair softly with his finger tips. He knew how much Billie must have been hurting...and he knew that now was his time to let it all out. Zach wanted to get up and hold Billie Joe, for all the times he had held him, but he couldn't sit up.
Zach kept softly playing with Billie's hair as Billie came to rest his head on Zach's pillow. Billie lay beside Zach and sighed. Both of their eyes were red and puffy from crying. Billie rested his head on Zach's, and Zach rested his own in the nook of Billie's neck. Billie wrapped his arm softly around Zachs own arm, and they both held each others hands. Zach kissed Billie's shoulder softly.
"It will be okay now Billie, you've got me. I love you." Zach whispered into Billie's shirt.
"And you've got me. I love you back." Billie replied, kissing Zach's hair and closing his eyes.
They both drifted off into a such gentler sleep than either of them had ever experienced before, knowing each had a partner to cry on.
Billie was sitting in the dark hospital room, illuminated by the glow of the window behind him. Billie lowered his head and rubbed his eyes sleepily. He tapped his foot and wished he had his guitar. He smiled. He'd love to teach Zach guitar. Billie took another sip of his coffee and drew in a deep breath. He watched Zach do the same. Everything was silent after two o clock in a hospital. Zach began to moan lightly and Billie sat up straighter. He began to panic. What would he tell him, he had to tell him something..but everytime he tried thinking how to tell Zach about his life he seemed to feel less like a father, less respected, and more like a friend...
"Billie..." whispered Zach, smiling painfully. Billie Joe beamed nervously, glad Zach was awake. Billie slipped his hand into Zach's soft palm and felt an instant connection. He then knew Zach would understand everything.
"Hey buddy...how you feeling?" asked Billie, sitting his coffee down and moving closer to Zach's bed. Zach smiled.
"Good...better. I feel happy while you're here." Zach said. It was the first time Billie had seen him smile completely, in all aspects. And he knew why. He stroked Zach's fingers with his own and felt with each stroke they were connecting deeper and deeper. They were like family, and they were both going to survive being abused. Billie Joe looked at Zach's hands and recalled all the times he had wished someone else would have been going through what he had, wishing someone would talk to him, understand him. He knew he was now that person for Zach..and he knew he couldn't keep it secret.
"Zach.." Billie began. Zach looked worried and tried to sit up.
"Ow..." he groaned, and Billie helped him back down onto the cushions.
"Don't sit up buddy, it will only hurt you." Zach nodded and now started to stroke Billie's fingers, trying to comfort him. Zach knew something was wrong. He felt sick. He'd done something wrong. He knew it.
"Do you know why I want to be your daddy?" Billie asked, looking sadly at Zach. Zach shook his head.
"You still do don't you?" he shakily replied, terrified the answer would be no.
"Of course I do..but do you know why?" he continued. Zach looked deeply at Billie, and Billie knew he had to pour everything he could into Zach, and knew Zach would be the only person that could ever understand.
"Because I'm just like you Zach. My daddy hit me too. My daddy touched me too. He wasn't my daddy, but I'm just like you, my daddy died when I was very little, just like your mummy died. But my mummy got married again, and the man she got married to hurt me a lot. Just like your daddy hurts you. Exactly like he hurts you. I know how bad it can feel..." Billie confessed. He was so glad he did. He saw in Zachs eyes absoloutely no pity. Zach understood, just like Billie knew he would.
Mike and Tre were great friends, the best...but they could never understand. They viewed the situation with sadness, yet Zach's eyes seemed to just hold something deep inside them and share a bond with the same something Billie had kept locked away, all those years he was hurt.
"You're step daddy hurt you too.." Zach repeated to himself.
"Did your mummy find out? Did you ever tell her?" Zach asked. Billie smiled. Zach was amazingly asking all the questions Billie wanted to talk about.
"No. You see, I was bigger than you when he did all of this to me. I was thirteen...and he did it to me until I was seventeen. When I was seventeen I left my house, my town. By the time I was that age, Zach, I could move out. I moved to go on tour, in a van with uncle mike and tre, and before I went I told my mummy what he did to me." Billie Joe remembered, looking back on it with pain.
"What did she say..?" asked Zach, who kept looking at Billie in his eyes, and Billie looked back. He was so glad to have someone who finally understood, even if he was so young, Zach had managed to give Billie the best help in his life.
"She said...she said for me to leave. She said I was a liar and I was on drugs." Billie felt a stab of pain. His mum had never even fucking believed him.
"That's not true. So you never ever got to tell anyone what he did to you...no one ever listened to you. Didn't that hurt?" asked Zach, who kept looking intently at Billie, again, with no pity. Again, with a look that only someone who had been through what Billie had been through would understand.
"Yes. It did hurt. A lot. It hurt a lot, because he wasn't my daddy and I knew my real daddy would never have done that to me." Billie Joe said. That was the only difference between them. Zach's real father, Billie's step father.
"I feel like you're my real daddy Billie Joe...I feel that when he does it me he's like a step daddy...not ever my real daddy...a real daddy never should hurt their son. Did you ever feel, when he hit you, and especially when he touched you, that you were so ugly..and so small and weak?" asked Zach, as tears started to form. Billie Joe cried immediately. Zach understood everything Billie never thought anyone had.
Everything he held inside him since he was thirteen came pouring out. He sobbed and rested his head in Zach's bed sheets.
"Yes...fucking hell yes..." he whimpered, crying heavily into Zach's bed. Zach cried lightly also, and rubbed Billie's hair softly with his finger tips. He knew how much Billie must have been hurting...and he knew that now was his time to let it all out. Zach wanted to get up and hold Billie Joe, for all the times he had held him, but he couldn't sit up.
Zach kept softly playing with Billie's hair as Billie came to rest his head on Zach's pillow. Billie lay beside Zach and sighed. Both of their eyes were red and puffy from crying. Billie rested his head on Zach's, and Zach rested his own in the nook of Billie's neck. Billie wrapped his arm softly around Zachs own arm, and they both held each others hands. Zach kissed Billie's shoulder softly.
"It will be okay now Billie, you've got me. I love you." Zach whispered into Billie's shirt.
"And you've got me. I love you back." Billie replied, kissing Zach's hair and closing his eyes.
They both drifted off into a such gentler sleep than either of them had ever experienced before, knowing each had a partner to cry on.
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