Worlds Apart, chapter 14
I was dizzy with anticipation as I walked down the hotel corridor. I had absolutely no idea what I was going to say to Billie Joe and, even more worryingly, what he was going to say to me. 402, 403…404. I took a deep breath and knocked softly on the door. Nothing happened. I waited a moment, then knocked a bit louder. Still nothing. I could feel panic start to rise in my chest. I had considered most eventualities on the long walk to the hotel. I had considered what would happen if Billie Joe told me the kiss had been a huge mistake, or that nothing could ever happen between us because our lives were just too different…but I hadn’t considered what I’d do if he never actually answered the door. I bit my lip and looked up and down the corridor before trying one last time, to no avail. I sighed with frustration and leaned back against the door of room 404. Think, brain, think, I told myself. What do I do now? Finding Mike or Tre would have been a good option but I had no idea which rooms they were in and I didn’t think the other guests would have seen the funny side if I just tried all of them. Especially at 2 o clock in the morning.
I couldn’t believe it. Something finally happens with Billie Joe, we finally get the chance to spend some time alone, the clock was ticking away the hours until he had to be on a plane to California and what does he do? He fucking GOES OUT! Calm, calm, I tried to tell myself. Where could he realistically have gone? I decided the only option I had was to sit and wait. And so I did. It felt like I was there forever, but in reality it probably wasn’t long before I heard voices and looked up to see Tre and Billie Joe ambling along the corridor towards me.
I felt immense relief wash over me, which was quickly followed by immense nervousness the moment Billie Joe turned those eyes of his on me. Both of the guys had changed out of their stage gear and looked much less conspicuous wearing baseball caps and carrying chips wrapped in newspaper, which smelled great.
“Hey� Tre smiled, as I stood up, “How long have you been camping out down there for?�
“I…don’t know� I replied, nervously, looking from Billie Joe to his chips and having trouble deciding which looked the most appealing.
“We were hungry� said Billie Joe, by way of explanation, “So we went to the kebab place down the street�
Oh God…
“You just walked into a kebab shop full of drunk teenagers and ordered chips?�
“Yeah� said Tre, “It seemed like a good plan.�
“Well maybe� I said, “But I just don’t want you guys getting mobbed or mugged or kidnapped or anything�
“Its ok� said Billie Joe. He tapped his hat. “We’re in disguise. And I put on my best British accent and made sure I didn’t ask for fries�.
Tre laughed,
“He sounded like Dick Van Dyke in Mary Poppins. Show her your accent, Bill�
“No…I think my accent should be laid to rest now. Anyway…sorry you had to wait Soph�
He held out his chips, which I assumed was a kind of peace offering.
“I’ll let you share?�
“Hmmm, ok then� I said, as Billie put the key in his door.
“Well…I’ll leave you guys to it I guess� said Tre, “See you tomorrow, airport taxi lady�
As he turned and walked off down the corridor I had a sudden, terrifying realization. Tre must have known about what had happened between Billie Joe and I outside the Stage Door, but he hadn’t given me so much as a look that would let on. And after all the little jibes he’d made after our encounter in Newcastle, he was now letting us go into a hotel room together in the middle of the night without any comment whatsoever. Something was wrong. I felt the panic come back again as I followed Billie into the room. He must have told Tre that it was a mistake and now he was about to tell me the same thing. And Tre was only being mature about the situation because he felt sorry for me. He knew I was about to get my heart broken. I tried to calm myself down. I remembered how Tom used to say how much it pissed him off how I over-analyzed every situation when there was no need for it. I didn’t want to start off another relationship doing exactly the same thing. Shit, had I just called this a relationship?!!
“Are you ok Soph?� Billie Joe asked, bringing me back down to Earth and offering me a chip.
“Yeah…� I said, taking one and looking at him. We stood in the middle of the room and stared at each other for a few seconds. Jesus, he looked so…
“Are you sure?� he asked, looking concerned, “You’ve gone a little pale�
I nodded as he removed his hat and sat down on the bed. I sat down next to him.
“How’s Jason?� I asked, shying away from the matter at hand.
“He threw up in the parking lot. We put him to bed� he smiled.
I smiled too.
“How are you feeling?� he asked, me, “You look pretty sober�
“I am� I said, “I didn’t really get time to get drunk with all the rushing around and talking to people�
“Me either� he said, “It was good though�
“Yeah, it was� I agreed. An awkward silence followed.
I sighed. I didn’t want any more awkward silences. I wanted to be put out of my misery. And he might have been prepared to spend until dawn skirting around the issue, but I wasn’t.
“Billie…� I began, shakily. “What happened before…outside the pub?�
He looked up and our eyes met. He didn’t say anything for a moment. Then he spoke.
“Ok� he breathed slowly, taking both my hands. I kept my eyes locked on his. I couldn’t breathe.
“I like you….a lot� he said, “A whole lot. But. I haven’t wanted anything to happen because…oh, there are like a million reasons why we shouldn’t be more than just friends. It would be…it would be really fucking stupid�
I swear I could feel my heart literally ripping in two. But he carried on.
“The thing is…tonight when I saw you out there crying, I just felt….I felt like absolute shit. And I just wanted so bad to stop you feeling like that and I knew I cared about you so much more than just as a friend…I don’t know…�
He sighed, took his hands from mine and ran his fingers through his messy hair. I was hanging on his every word.
“…I just thought, this is more than just plain lust that I’m feeling. It’s something….real, I guess. So I just thought, fuck it. That’s what matters�
He looked back up at me again, his eyes searching mine. A smile touched his lips.
“Aren’t you gonna say anything? I’m kinda laying my heart out on the line here�
“I…yeah…� I could hardly speak. I was so overwhelmed by everything that had happened to me that night. “Billie…I’ve been going crazy ever since I first met you in Newcastle. I haven’t been able to get you out of my head, I just….I didn’t know what to do because… I couldn’t see how someone like you could ever want someone like me�
He raised his eyebrows, then took my hand back in his.
“You know…you really aren’t so different from me as you think you are� he said, looking down at our entwined fingers. I smiled. I knew he was right. During the past few weeks there had been times when he seemed to understand me better than anyone else. Which was crazy, considering that really we hardly knew each other at all.
I felt a tear roll down my cheek, taking me by surprise because I hadn’t realized I was crying.
“Hey� he said, his voice dropping to a whisper. “You’re leaking again�
I laughed through my tears as he wiped them away for the second time that night. Then he let go of my hand, slid his arms around my waist and pulled me into his lap. He held me against his warm body, my head resting on his shoulder.
“I didn’t mean to upset you� he whispered, “I’m finding it hard to know what to say�
“It isn’t you� I said, “Its just been a weird day. I’m fine, honest.�
He smiled, and started to stroke my hair. I love having my hair stroked. It makes me feel like a little kid again.
“So what does all this mean?� I asked, after a few moments comfortable silence.
“Well,� he said softly, “In October our tour ends. You’ll be settled in San Francisco, I’ll be at home in Oakland. Then maybe we can spend some time together in the real world and…give this thing a go�
“Really?� I smiled,
“Yeah…no hotels, no journalists, no getting wasted night after night…�
“It seems like ages away�
“I know� he said, bringing my fingers to his lips, “So until then…we’ll just have to really savor the little time that we do get together, I guess�
I smiled
“I wish I could keep you� I murmured into his neck. I could smell his cologne and it made me dizzy with desire.
“I’ll always be on the end of the phone� he promised, “I’ll always have time for you, Soph. You keep me sane. You’re my little piece of reality amongst all the crazy shit. Every minute with you is-“
I silenced him with my lips. He pulled me as close as he could get me as my tongue found his. Each kiss was deeper and more passionate than the one before it as we let ourselves fall backwards onto the bed, wrapped up in each others’ arms. I relished in the fact that we were both completely sober and it allowed me to be aware of so many things I hadn’t been aware of last time we were together like this. The feel of his stubble against my face, his teeth scraping my lips, the smell of his skin and the silence of the night, broken only by the breathy sighs that escaped us as we lost ourselves in each other. I never wanted to forget a single one of these things about Billie Joe. And when it was over we held each other close, skin against skin, while he stroked my hair, whispering in my ear as he watched me lose my fight to stay awake and keep staring at him all night. He told me that when I’d first walked onto that stage in Newcastle he’d felt like he’d been punched in the gut, and how it had taken every last bit of his resolve not to cry as I left his hotel room that next morning. He told me how he’d sat and watched me the night I fell asleep on the couch in London because he’d never seen anyone look so beautiful. And he told me that until we’d met, he had thought he would never feel about anyone again, the way he was feeling right then about me. And as I listened, his warm breath on my ear and his kisses on my neck, I knew nobody had ever made me feel this happy. And I knew none of the million reasons why we shouldn’t be together were as important as how I was feeling right then. This was what mattered.
****
I Wish I Could Tell You
But The Words Would Come Out Wrong
If You Only Knew
The Way I Felt For So Long
I Know That We're Worlds Apart
But I Just Don't Seem To Care
These Feelings In My Heart
Only With You I Want To Share
The First Time I Caught A Glimpse Of You
Then My Thoughts Were Only Of You
I Hope That When Time Goes By
You Will Think The Same About Me
Many Nights Awake I Lie
I Only Wish That You Could See
I Know That We're Only Friends
I Hope This Feeling Never Ends
If I Could Only Hold You
It's The Only Thing I Want To Do.
The First Time I Caught A Glimpse Of You
Then My Thoughts Were Only Of You
I couldn’t believe it. Something finally happens with Billie Joe, we finally get the chance to spend some time alone, the clock was ticking away the hours until he had to be on a plane to California and what does he do? He fucking GOES OUT! Calm, calm, I tried to tell myself. Where could he realistically have gone? I decided the only option I had was to sit and wait. And so I did. It felt like I was there forever, but in reality it probably wasn’t long before I heard voices and looked up to see Tre and Billie Joe ambling along the corridor towards me.
I felt immense relief wash over me, which was quickly followed by immense nervousness the moment Billie Joe turned those eyes of his on me. Both of the guys had changed out of their stage gear and looked much less conspicuous wearing baseball caps and carrying chips wrapped in newspaper, which smelled great.
“Hey� Tre smiled, as I stood up, “How long have you been camping out down there for?�
“I…don’t know� I replied, nervously, looking from Billie Joe to his chips and having trouble deciding which looked the most appealing.
“We were hungry� said Billie Joe, by way of explanation, “So we went to the kebab place down the street�
Oh God…
“You just walked into a kebab shop full of drunk teenagers and ordered chips?�
“Yeah� said Tre, “It seemed like a good plan.�
“Well maybe� I said, “But I just don’t want you guys getting mobbed or mugged or kidnapped or anything�
“Its ok� said Billie Joe. He tapped his hat. “We’re in disguise. And I put on my best British accent and made sure I didn’t ask for fries�.
Tre laughed,
“He sounded like Dick Van Dyke in Mary Poppins. Show her your accent, Bill�
“No…I think my accent should be laid to rest now. Anyway…sorry you had to wait Soph�
He held out his chips, which I assumed was a kind of peace offering.
“I’ll let you share?�
“Hmmm, ok then� I said, as Billie put the key in his door.
“Well…I’ll leave you guys to it I guess� said Tre, “See you tomorrow, airport taxi lady�
As he turned and walked off down the corridor I had a sudden, terrifying realization. Tre must have known about what had happened between Billie Joe and I outside the Stage Door, but he hadn’t given me so much as a look that would let on. And after all the little jibes he’d made after our encounter in Newcastle, he was now letting us go into a hotel room together in the middle of the night without any comment whatsoever. Something was wrong. I felt the panic come back again as I followed Billie into the room. He must have told Tre that it was a mistake and now he was about to tell me the same thing. And Tre was only being mature about the situation because he felt sorry for me. He knew I was about to get my heart broken. I tried to calm myself down. I remembered how Tom used to say how much it pissed him off how I over-analyzed every situation when there was no need for it. I didn’t want to start off another relationship doing exactly the same thing. Shit, had I just called this a relationship?!!
“Are you ok Soph?� Billie Joe asked, bringing me back down to Earth and offering me a chip.
“Yeah…� I said, taking one and looking at him. We stood in the middle of the room and stared at each other for a few seconds. Jesus, he looked so…
“Are you sure?� he asked, looking concerned, “You’ve gone a little pale�
I nodded as he removed his hat and sat down on the bed. I sat down next to him.
“How’s Jason?� I asked, shying away from the matter at hand.
“He threw up in the parking lot. We put him to bed� he smiled.
I smiled too.
“How are you feeling?� he asked, me, “You look pretty sober�
“I am� I said, “I didn’t really get time to get drunk with all the rushing around and talking to people�
“Me either� he said, “It was good though�
“Yeah, it was� I agreed. An awkward silence followed.
I sighed. I didn’t want any more awkward silences. I wanted to be put out of my misery. And he might have been prepared to spend until dawn skirting around the issue, but I wasn’t.
“Billie…� I began, shakily. “What happened before…outside the pub?�
He looked up and our eyes met. He didn’t say anything for a moment. Then he spoke.
“Ok� he breathed slowly, taking both my hands. I kept my eyes locked on his. I couldn’t breathe.
“I like you….a lot� he said, “A whole lot. But. I haven’t wanted anything to happen because…oh, there are like a million reasons why we shouldn’t be more than just friends. It would be…it would be really fucking stupid�
I swear I could feel my heart literally ripping in two. But he carried on.
“The thing is…tonight when I saw you out there crying, I just felt….I felt like absolute shit. And I just wanted so bad to stop you feeling like that and I knew I cared about you so much more than just as a friend…I don’t know…�
He sighed, took his hands from mine and ran his fingers through his messy hair. I was hanging on his every word.
“…I just thought, this is more than just plain lust that I’m feeling. It’s something….real, I guess. So I just thought, fuck it. That’s what matters�
He looked back up at me again, his eyes searching mine. A smile touched his lips.
“Aren’t you gonna say anything? I’m kinda laying my heart out on the line here�
“I…yeah…� I could hardly speak. I was so overwhelmed by everything that had happened to me that night. “Billie…I’ve been going crazy ever since I first met you in Newcastle. I haven’t been able to get you out of my head, I just….I didn’t know what to do because… I couldn’t see how someone like you could ever want someone like me�
He raised his eyebrows, then took my hand back in his.
“You know…you really aren’t so different from me as you think you are� he said, looking down at our entwined fingers. I smiled. I knew he was right. During the past few weeks there had been times when he seemed to understand me better than anyone else. Which was crazy, considering that really we hardly knew each other at all.
I felt a tear roll down my cheek, taking me by surprise because I hadn’t realized I was crying.
“Hey� he said, his voice dropping to a whisper. “You’re leaking again�
I laughed through my tears as he wiped them away for the second time that night. Then he let go of my hand, slid his arms around my waist and pulled me into his lap. He held me against his warm body, my head resting on his shoulder.
“I didn’t mean to upset you� he whispered, “I’m finding it hard to know what to say�
“It isn’t you� I said, “Its just been a weird day. I’m fine, honest.�
He smiled, and started to stroke my hair. I love having my hair stroked. It makes me feel like a little kid again.
“So what does all this mean?� I asked, after a few moments comfortable silence.
“Well,� he said softly, “In October our tour ends. You’ll be settled in San Francisco, I’ll be at home in Oakland. Then maybe we can spend some time together in the real world and…give this thing a go�
“Really?� I smiled,
“Yeah…no hotels, no journalists, no getting wasted night after night…�
“It seems like ages away�
“I know� he said, bringing my fingers to his lips, “So until then…we’ll just have to really savor the little time that we do get together, I guess�
I smiled
“I wish I could keep you� I murmured into his neck. I could smell his cologne and it made me dizzy with desire.
“I’ll always be on the end of the phone� he promised, “I’ll always have time for you, Soph. You keep me sane. You’re my little piece of reality amongst all the crazy shit. Every minute with you is-“
I silenced him with my lips. He pulled me as close as he could get me as my tongue found his. Each kiss was deeper and more passionate than the one before it as we let ourselves fall backwards onto the bed, wrapped up in each others’ arms. I relished in the fact that we were both completely sober and it allowed me to be aware of so many things I hadn’t been aware of last time we were together like this. The feel of his stubble against my face, his teeth scraping my lips, the smell of his skin and the silence of the night, broken only by the breathy sighs that escaped us as we lost ourselves in each other. I never wanted to forget a single one of these things about Billie Joe. And when it was over we held each other close, skin against skin, while he stroked my hair, whispering in my ear as he watched me lose my fight to stay awake and keep staring at him all night. He told me that when I’d first walked onto that stage in Newcastle he’d felt like he’d been punched in the gut, and how it had taken every last bit of his resolve not to cry as I left his hotel room that next morning. He told me how he’d sat and watched me the night I fell asleep on the couch in London because he’d never seen anyone look so beautiful. And he told me that until we’d met, he had thought he would never feel about anyone again, the way he was feeling right then about me. And as I listened, his warm breath on my ear and his kisses on my neck, I knew nobody had ever made me feel this happy. And I knew none of the million reasons why we shouldn’t be together were as important as how I was feeling right then. This was what mattered.
****
I Wish I Could Tell You
But The Words Would Come Out Wrong
If You Only Knew
The Way I Felt For So Long
I Know That We're Worlds Apart
But I Just Don't Seem To Care
These Feelings In My Heart
Only With You I Want To Share
The First Time I Caught A Glimpse Of You
Then My Thoughts Were Only Of You
I Hope That When Time Goes By
You Will Think The Same About Me
Many Nights Awake I Lie
I Only Wish That You Could See
I Know That We're Only Friends
I Hope This Feeling Never Ends
If I Could Only Hold You
It's The Only Thing I Want To Do.
The First Time I Caught A Glimpse Of You
Then My Thoughts Were Only Of You
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