Love Hurts, chapter 1
You're standing there playing the bass, I watch as you finish off recording. I turn away and flop back onto the sofa I was sitting on until not long ago, watching as Tre and Jason joke around. I don't feel like it, so I just sit back and watch, sit in the corner hoping everyone will ignore me, hoping I can hide in the sofa as I sink further into it.
The sofa suddenly moves as you jump down next to me. Well, that really helped me hide didn't it; almost falling off the side and drawing attention to me like that; thanks a lot Mike. You really don't seem to get that I just wanna be left alone until I get up and walk out, no one following me, but then again why should you?
I find myself laying on the bed in the hotel room and staring up at the ceiling, thinking about everything. Wondering why I'm always the one left out, why I'm he one who always seems to be the last to know. I guess I'm just not that important am I?
Why is it that whenever I try and think about something you always seem to pop into my head? Why can't I just get you out, think of someone else? I suppose maybe telling you guys I'm gay might be a start, I mean you always try and set me up with all these girls, say I'm only sad cos I'm alone. Well, you got half of it right, but I just don't want any of them, though you don't seem to get it. I sigh and start to sit up, but think better of it and fall back into the bed, feeling the soft duvet under me.
Someone knocks gently on the door, not bothering for a reply they walk in. I really can't be bothered to look up, so I just keep staring straight ahead, not looking at anything in particular, just anything to get my mind off you.
"Hey," ok, so getting my mind off you isn't gonna happen if you're sitting on the bed is it? You're so close, our legs nearly touching, but not quite. I half want to move closer to you, half want to push you away. I shouldn't be feeling like this, shouldn't feel this way about my best friend.
I turn to look at you and you're just watching me, waiting for me to say or do something. You see I'm not going to, so just kinda lean forwards, I move up so you're not so close to me, I mean, this is a double bed it's not like you have to be this close, there's a whole half of the bed you could be on. But no, you have to choose right there, so close I can smell you, so close I could... why do you do this to me?
I can't take it any more so I get up and walk to the window, looking out at the people walking below in the streets. The idea was for you to stay on the bed, I didn't know you were this close until I turn around and you're just there. Our faces centimetres apart. We shouldn't be this close, we shouldn't be just staring, you should move away. You definitely shouldn't be kissing me.
Hey, where did you go? I open my eyes to see no one there and hearing my hotel room door close quickly behind you. Once again I find myself sitting on my bed, looking at the ceiling, wondering if it actually happened, wondering if it was all a dream.
Well, I guess maybe you could be gay or something right? No, it was just a one off thing, you didn't mean to, you were probably drunk or temporarily insane. That's gotta be it, it's some kinda joke and I'll go down later and Jason and Tre will be laughing at me.
I get changed and wander down to the bar, I need to think about this. Drink would help right?
Maybe drink doesn't help, it makes me feel worse. Why can't you love me like I love you? Why can't that kiss have meant something to you? Why am I such an idiot to believe that maybe it did? I'm sitting, watching you chatting to all the girls, you can't be gay. I turn away and find no one next to me, no one to hold me, no one to care about me. I sigh and walk back up to my hotel room, knowing it'll be hours before you get back to yours if you even go back.
I smile as I slide my arms around your waist, pulling you closer and leaning on your chest, hearing your heart beat against your chest, just lying there, until you move and... Why the hell did the alarm have to go off? Aren't I allowed that one dream, surely it can do no harm right?
Oh well, I sigh and get up, knocking the alarm clock to the floor as I try and turn it off, not really working and leaving it to beep muffled in the carpet. Why can't it just shut up? Why can't I just give up on this dream? Just get over you? I slowly pull on some jeans and a t-shirt, smoothing my hand through my hair so it's not such a mess.
Maybe talking to someone would help? Sitting at the table chewing toast as Tre walks towards me. He's smiling, guess I should be happy too right? I think he sees through me, cos he's looking at me like he wants to ask something, but doesn't know how. I'm not that obvious am I? He looks up as you join us and he grins, half looking between the two of us, then leaves. It's kinda strange he hasn't actually eaten anything and this is kinda awkward being here alone with you.
I couldn't handle it, the two of us weren't even talking when I left, making some pathetic excuse. Well, it's better than having my heart broken when you tell me it meant nothing, or just denying it ever happened.
I don't know why, but I find myself outside Tre's door, maybe he'll say whatever he wanted to earlier? I dunno what I expected, but definitely not for him to answer in just a towel, whoa. Ok... should not be looking like that, must... not... stare. He doesn't seem to care. Uh... this is strange, he's not actually bothering getting dressed, just kinda sits there, waiting for me to explain why the hell I'm here.
"I just thought there was something you wanted to say earlier?" Ok, I sound a lot more confident than I feel.
I'm not actually 100% where I'm meant to look, the floor seems a safe bet though.
"Yeah, uh... " why's he hesitating? Running his hand through his hair it sticks out at odd angles cos it's still wet. Must have had a shower... must get those images out of my head.
"I dunno... " Well, this is getting us somewhere isn't it?
"Don't laugh," this is kinda scaring me now, he's kinda shuffling round the room, all nervous. This isn't making me feel any better, especially since he won't even look at me. He's standing in front of the window, staring out at the early morning traffic;
"I... uh... I think I'm... ." get on with it... I feel like yelling at him, telling him to hurry up.
"I think I'm gay," he's looking at the floor, then turns round slowly as I don't actually react to this news.
How can he say that? How can he be so strong, I dunno, I could never say it to anyone, now here he is; one of my closest friends, telling me he's gay. I suppose maybe I should say something. Uh... why am I grinning so much?
"I... uh... " what the hell am I meant to say to that? I mumble to the floor;
"Me too," ok... good he didn't hear that. I think I'd probably die if I'd said it to him.
"What?" I just shrugged, and please, mouth stop smiling so much!
"Great, now you're laughing at me." He's pacing the room.
"No," I get up and head towards him, more than anything cos he's making me dizzy walking backwards and forwards and that towel's kinda slipping a bit. Lets just say I think it would be a good idea for him to sit down soon, I don't particularly want him to be walking naked... maybe I do? I shake my head to clear my thoughts.
"I just, I dunno... you're saying this, and I know it's so hard to say something like this, I mean, I've been hiding it for like a year now." Oh SHIT! I did not just say that did I? Fuck I did!
I sink onto the bed and hide my head in my hands as he kneels in front of me. Uh... should this really be turning me on like this? Him kneeling, in front of me, at just about that height. No... don't think like that. This cannot be happening, if he could see my face he'd see it was bright red.
His hands move mine from my face and he just looks at me, I suppose seeing if I'm really serious, or just completely taking the piss. He's so close, so close we could... his lips pressed against mine, oh god this feels good. Feeling his hands on the back of my neck as he sits me up and leans me back on the bed.
I'm not actually acknowledging anything that's happening after that. I shouldn't be doing this, we shouldn't, but it feels so good and I can confirm he wasn't wearing anything under that towel.
I hear a gentle knock on the door, he scrambles for his towel and me for my shirt that seems to have got lost somewhere as you walk in.
"Tre, I..." then you notice me, still doing up my buttons. Your face goes blank for a minute, then you look like you've seen a ghost.
Next thing I know the door's slammed shut, your room's empty, just a note, a note saying sorry, saying you loved me, saying everything I always wanted to hear. Then a scrap of paper falls out from the envelope, I pick it up and see words scrawled on it, "Love Hurts", a song underneath it. You wrote that for me? How come I'd never heard it before?
Then Jason's at the door, his face pale, he won't say anything, just sits on the bed and turns on the TV, to one of those news channels they always have on hotel TVs.
"And Green Day's Mike Dirnt was rushed into hospital 10 minutes ago. After being involved in a car accident. We have no news now, we will keep you up to date. Meanwhile in... " Tre turned it off and turned round to look at us.
Why did you have to do that? Why did you have to leave? I guess you'll never know how much I loved you. How much you meant to me. We're always here, whenever we can get away from the studio, away from the public we visit you. Wake up, please... just, wake up. You can't die on us.
I feel Tre's hand on my shoulder and he motions with his head at the nurse who's waiting for us to leave. I suppose visiting time's over. I'll never give up on you though; I'll be back again tomorrow.
The sofa suddenly moves as you jump down next to me. Well, that really helped me hide didn't it; almost falling off the side and drawing attention to me like that; thanks a lot Mike. You really don't seem to get that I just wanna be left alone until I get up and walk out, no one following me, but then again why should you?
I find myself laying on the bed in the hotel room and staring up at the ceiling, thinking about everything. Wondering why I'm always the one left out, why I'm he one who always seems to be the last to know. I guess I'm just not that important am I?
Why is it that whenever I try and think about something you always seem to pop into my head? Why can't I just get you out, think of someone else? I suppose maybe telling you guys I'm gay might be a start, I mean you always try and set me up with all these girls, say I'm only sad cos I'm alone. Well, you got half of it right, but I just don't want any of them, though you don't seem to get it. I sigh and start to sit up, but think better of it and fall back into the bed, feeling the soft duvet under me.
Someone knocks gently on the door, not bothering for a reply they walk in. I really can't be bothered to look up, so I just keep staring straight ahead, not looking at anything in particular, just anything to get my mind off you.
"Hey," ok, so getting my mind off you isn't gonna happen if you're sitting on the bed is it? You're so close, our legs nearly touching, but not quite. I half want to move closer to you, half want to push you away. I shouldn't be feeling like this, shouldn't feel this way about my best friend.
I turn to look at you and you're just watching me, waiting for me to say or do something. You see I'm not going to, so just kinda lean forwards, I move up so you're not so close to me, I mean, this is a double bed it's not like you have to be this close, there's a whole half of the bed you could be on. But no, you have to choose right there, so close I can smell you, so close I could... why do you do this to me?
I can't take it any more so I get up and walk to the window, looking out at the people walking below in the streets. The idea was for you to stay on the bed, I didn't know you were this close until I turn around and you're just there. Our faces centimetres apart. We shouldn't be this close, we shouldn't be just staring, you should move away. You definitely shouldn't be kissing me.
Hey, where did you go? I open my eyes to see no one there and hearing my hotel room door close quickly behind you. Once again I find myself sitting on my bed, looking at the ceiling, wondering if it actually happened, wondering if it was all a dream.
Well, I guess maybe you could be gay or something right? No, it was just a one off thing, you didn't mean to, you were probably drunk or temporarily insane. That's gotta be it, it's some kinda joke and I'll go down later and Jason and Tre will be laughing at me.
I get changed and wander down to the bar, I need to think about this. Drink would help right?
Maybe drink doesn't help, it makes me feel worse. Why can't you love me like I love you? Why can't that kiss have meant something to you? Why am I such an idiot to believe that maybe it did? I'm sitting, watching you chatting to all the girls, you can't be gay. I turn away and find no one next to me, no one to hold me, no one to care about me. I sigh and walk back up to my hotel room, knowing it'll be hours before you get back to yours if you even go back.
I smile as I slide my arms around your waist, pulling you closer and leaning on your chest, hearing your heart beat against your chest, just lying there, until you move and... Why the hell did the alarm have to go off? Aren't I allowed that one dream, surely it can do no harm right?
Oh well, I sigh and get up, knocking the alarm clock to the floor as I try and turn it off, not really working and leaving it to beep muffled in the carpet. Why can't it just shut up? Why can't I just give up on this dream? Just get over you? I slowly pull on some jeans and a t-shirt, smoothing my hand through my hair so it's not such a mess.
Maybe talking to someone would help? Sitting at the table chewing toast as Tre walks towards me. He's smiling, guess I should be happy too right? I think he sees through me, cos he's looking at me like he wants to ask something, but doesn't know how. I'm not that obvious am I? He looks up as you join us and he grins, half looking between the two of us, then leaves. It's kinda strange he hasn't actually eaten anything and this is kinda awkward being here alone with you.
I couldn't handle it, the two of us weren't even talking when I left, making some pathetic excuse. Well, it's better than having my heart broken when you tell me it meant nothing, or just denying it ever happened.
I don't know why, but I find myself outside Tre's door, maybe he'll say whatever he wanted to earlier? I dunno what I expected, but definitely not for him to answer in just a towel, whoa. Ok... should not be looking like that, must... not... stare. He doesn't seem to care. Uh... this is strange, he's not actually bothering getting dressed, just kinda sits there, waiting for me to explain why the hell I'm here.
"I just thought there was something you wanted to say earlier?" Ok, I sound a lot more confident than I feel.
I'm not actually 100% where I'm meant to look, the floor seems a safe bet though.
"Yeah, uh... " why's he hesitating? Running his hand through his hair it sticks out at odd angles cos it's still wet. Must have had a shower... must get those images out of my head.
"I dunno... " Well, this is getting us somewhere isn't it?
"Don't laugh," this is kinda scaring me now, he's kinda shuffling round the room, all nervous. This isn't making me feel any better, especially since he won't even look at me. He's standing in front of the window, staring out at the early morning traffic;
"I... uh... I think I'm... ." get on with it... I feel like yelling at him, telling him to hurry up.
"I think I'm gay," he's looking at the floor, then turns round slowly as I don't actually react to this news.
How can he say that? How can he be so strong, I dunno, I could never say it to anyone, now here he is; one of my closest friends, telling me he's gay. I suppose maybe I should say something. Uh... why am I grinning so much?
"I... uh... " what the hell am I meant to say to that? I mumble to the floor;
"Me too," ok... good he didn't hear that. I think I'd probably die if I'd said it to him.
"What?" I just shrugged, and please, mouth stop smiling so much!
"Great, now you're laughing at me." He's pacing the room.
"No," I get up and head towards him, more than anything cos he's making me dizzy walking backwards and forwards and that towel's kinda slipping a bit. Lets just say I think it would be a good idea for him to sit down soon, I don't particularly want him to be walking naked... maybe I do? I shake my head to clear my thoughts.
"I just, I dunno... you're saying this, and I know it's so hard to say something like this, I mean, I've been hiding it for like a year now." Oh SHIT! I did not just say that did I? Fuck I did!
I sink onto the bed and hide my head in my hands as he kneels in front of me. Uh... should this really be turning me on like this? Him kneeling, in front of me, at just about that height. No... don't think like that. This cannot be happening, if he could see my face he'd see it was bright red.
His hands move mine from my face and he just looks at me, I suppose seeing if I'm really serious, or just completely taking the piss. He's so close, so close we could... his lips pressed against mine, oh god this feels good. Feeling his hands on the back of my neck as he sits me up and leans me back on the bed.
I'm not actually acknowledging anything that's happening after that. I shouldn't be doing this, we shouldn't, but it feels so good and I can confirm he wasn't wearing anything under that towel.
I hear a gentle knock on the door, he scrambles for his towel and me for my shirt that seems to have got lost somewhere as you walk in.
"Tre, I..." then you notice me, still doing up my buttons. Your face goes blank for a minute, then you look like you've seen a ghost.
Next thing I know the door's slammed shut, your room's empty, just a note, a note saying sorry, saying you loved me, saying everything I always wanted to hear. Then a scrap of paper falls out from the envelope, I pick it up and see words scrawled on it, "Love Hurts", a song underneath it. You wrote that for me? How come I'd never heard it before?
Then Jason's at the door, his face pale, he won't say anything, just sits on the bed and turns on the TV, to one of those news channels they always have on hotel TVs.
"And Green Day's Mike Dirnt was rushed into hospital 10 minutes ago. After being involved in a car accident. We have no news now, we will keep you up to date. Meanwhile in... " Tre turned it off and turned round to look at us.
Why did you have to do that? Why did you have to leave? I guess you'll never know how much I loved you. How much you meant to me. We're always here, whenever we can get away from the studio, away from the public we visit you. Wake up, please... just, wake up. You can't die on us.
I feel Tre's hand on my shoulder and he motions with his head at the nurse who's waiting for us to leave. I suppose visiting time's over. I'll never give up on you though; I'll be back again tomorrow.
