What a father should be, chapter 21
this chapter is dedicated to little charlie who reads my story :) read on little dude, your awesome so this one's for you
Billie still had his hand on Adrian's shoulder as he watched Adrian's tears slide down his face. Billie breathed in deeply and felt everything slow down for a while. Adrian did the same, and felt the world slow as well.
"Sit down." Billie stated, guiding Adrian to a chair on the balcony. Adrian sat, his hand massaging his temple. Billie leaned over the balcony now, looking below. He turned to Adrian, squinting lightly because of the sun.
"So you wanted to jump huh?" he asked, looking back down at the bustling city and shaking his head, laughing. Adrian nodded, knowing it wasn't a funny laugh.
"Yeah?" Billie said, nodding his head and raising his eyebrows.
"Hmmm. Okay. What if I threw this over?" Billie Joe asked, picking up a pot plant from Adrian's balcony. Adrian sat up straight, his eyes questioning whether Billie Joe would actually do it.
"Why would you do that? Its just a pot plant." Adrian said, now leaning forward in anticipation as Billie held it on the railings.
"Yeah. No one notices it do they? Until you chuck it over a fucking balcony, it smashes on some poor bastards car and causes a multiple car smash fuck up which kills at least five people." Billie said, still holding the pot plant and looking at Adrian. Adrian thought he looked slightly insane.
"Well, no but that's still no reason to throw it!" Adrian said, now jumping to his feet as Billie teetered it with his fingers. Adrian grabbed it off Billie and held it close to him.
"Why'd you take it away?" Billie asked.
"Because I don't want people to fucking die!" Adrian blurted out, looking frightened at Billie.
"Yet you'd throw yourself over a balcony?" Billie snapped back, moving closer to Adrian
"Yeah but that's not them that's me!"
"Oh yeah?"
"Yes!"
"What if you landed on a little kid?"
"Oh come on that's fucking ridiculous!" Adrian yelled, standing up straighter to look Billie in the eye confidently.
"Yeah? You go splattering all over the side walk and some kid is gunna feel your blood go all over them. What's that gunna do to them?" Billie replied, folding his arms and staring back at Adrian.
"Well what if I just fucking ODed?"
"The nurse who comes in and finds you. You think she's gunna go home happy?"
"DON'T GIVE ME THAT!" screamed Adrian, who couldn't believe someone he admired so much was saying this.
"YOU THINK IF YOU DIED NO ONE WOULD NOTICE?"
"LIFE IS FUCKING MEANGINGLESS!"
"WHY?" Billie hollered, Adrian and his eyes now glaring into one another.
"BECAUSE!" Adrian yelled back, biting his lip.
"DON'T GIVE ME THAT ADRIAN WHY?" Billie bellowed back at him, their faces now close.
"ALL THOSE FREEKIN PEOPLE WHO'D BE SO FUCKING SCREWED UP IF I DIED, WHERE THE FUCK WERE THEY WHEN MY UNCLE BEAT ME UNCONSCIOUS OKAY?" Adrian yelled, as his voice started to crack and he was short of breath. Billie's eyes softened.
"WHERE THE FUCK WERE THEY WHEN HE CUT ME OPEN? WHEN HE FUCKIN LIED TO ME! IF PEOPLE ARE SO FUCKIN COMPASSIONATE, HOW COME NO ONE WAS THERE FOR ME!" Adrian screamed through tears, pointing to his heart. He sat back down in the chair, sobbing.
"You know what I don't get?" Adrian said, looking up at the sky and smiling insanely, tears falling out of his eyes. Billie looked on with sadness, watching Adrian's eyes swim with confusion and pain.
"Where's God? Hmmm? Where the fuck is he? Why doesn't he show up and justify himself?" Adrian asked.
"You can never know that. And even if he gave you the answer, would you believe it? Even if you did, what would you have to believe in anymore?" Billie said, sitting on the chair across from Adrian.
"I dunno... I don't know... I just want something... anything... " Adrian sobbed. Billie knew how he felt. These were the questions people would ask all their lives.
And no one knew the answers.
Billie jumped as he felt hair brush past his leg.
"Oh shit!" he yelled, as a big yellow dog came and put its head on Adrian's lap. Adrian jumped.
"Where the hell... " Adrian asked, sniffing and looking around. The dog's eyes were transfixed on Adrian, not moving. Adrian was slightly scared by it, but somehow felt its touch soothing. Its fur rubbing softly against his scars and bruises. Billie looked on in disbelief. He'd seen that dog somewhere before.
"I'm never gunna let him take away my fucking compassion. Fucking bastard." Billie said, stroking the puppy one final time before closing the door and leaving.
"I swear... " Billie muttered. Adrian looked up at him.
"Huh?" he asked. The dog moved to sit beside Adrian, not moving. Billie looked at the dog deeply, his elbows rested on his knees and his chin in his clenched fists.
"That dog... the puppy... " Billie said. The dog barked once, still not moving from Adrian's side.
"What do you mean? You mean that puppy when you smashed the car up?" Adrian said, looking quickly to the dog. Billie nodded.
Adrian looked slowly at the dog as the phone rung, making both himself and Billie Joe jump. The dog followed him as Adrian went to the phone, the dog barking and growling at the receiver. Adrian picked it up slowly, as Billie stood in the doorway, arms folded and watching in both amusement and awe.
"I'll accept." Adrian said, cringing on hearing his uncle's name from the operators mouth.
"I just called to let you know Adrian, this isn't over, and when I get out, you're going to be apologizing to me you stupid shit!" Adrian's uncle growled from the other end of the receiver. Adrian swallowed as he felt the paralyzing sense of struggle gripping his chest and head as his uncle yelled more abuse at him. On hearing this yelling, Billie came and sat down next to him, pulling him close and hanging up the phone.
"Its okay. Its okay." Billie whispered as Adrian cried silently. The feeling of doubt began to just grow and grow, escalate, build up until Adrian was at breaking point. Adrian gripped Billie's hand tight and started breathing sharper and sharper to the point where he couldn't breathe at all. Billie held him at arms length and tried to speak to him but Adrian couldn't hear any of it, he was entering a deep overwhelmed panic.
But then the dog came and jumped on Adrian, nose to nose with him. It didn't lick him, bite him or growl at him, just stared at him. Adrian felt himself drifting into sleep, and felt more relaxed than he ever had...
Adrian felt darkness all around him, but comforting darkness. He knew he was asleep.
"I love you. Everything is going to be okay. Take life as it comes, and I'll take care of the rest. Don't give up. I love you and I've given you people who would do anything for you right by your side to show it."
A voice echoed through the mysterious darkness, reaching Adrian's ears before he felt his eyes opening again.
To see Billie, Mike, Tre, Zach, and the dog holding a photo of his adoptive parents.
"Right by your side to show it... " Adrian whispered, as the closest thing he had to a family stood by him, making him feel he finally had nothing to lose and everything to fall back on.
If he jumped now, someone would be there to catch him.
Billie still had his hand on Adrian's shoulder as he watched Adrian's tears slide down his face. Billie breathed in deeply and felt everything slow down for a while. Adrian did the same, and felt the world slow as well.
"Sit down." Billie stated, guiding Adrian to a chair on the balcony. Adrian sat, his hand massaging his temple. Billie leaned over the balcony now, looking below. He turned to Adrian, squinting lightly because of the sun.
"So you wanted to jump huh?" he asked, looking back down at the bustling city and shaking his head, laughing. Adrian nodded, knowing it wasn't a funny laugh.
"Yeah?" Billie said, nodding his head and raising his eyebrows.
"Hmmm. Okay. What if I threw this over?" Billie Joe asked, picking up a pot plant from Adrian's balcony. Adrian sat up straight, his eyes questioning whether Billie Joe would actually do it.
"Why would you do that? Its just a pot plant." Adrian said, now leaning forward in anticipation as Billie held it on the railings.
"Yeah. No one notices it do they? Until you chuck it over a fucking balcony, it smashes on some poor bastards car and causes a multiple car smash fuck up which kills at least five people." Billie said, still holding the pot plant and looking at Adrian. Adrian thought he looked slightly insane.
"Well, no but that's still no reason to throw it!" Adrian said, now jumping to his feet as Billie teetered it with his fingers. Adrian grabbed it off Billie and held it close to him.
"Why'd you take it away?" Billie asked.
"Because I don't want people to fucking die!" Adrian blurted out, looking frightened at Billie.
"Yet you'd throw yourself over a balcony?" Billie snapped back, moving closer to Adrian
"Yeah but that's not them that's me!"
"Oh yeah?"
"Yes!"
"What if you landed on a little kid?"
"Oh come on that's fucking ridiculous!" Adrian yelled, standing up straighter to look Billie in the eye confidently.
"Yeah? You go splattering all over the side walk and some kid is gunna feel your blood go all over them. What's that gunna do to them?" Billie replied, folding his arms and staring back at Adrian.
"Well what if I just fucking ODed?"
"The nurse who comes in and finds you. You think she's gunna go home happy?"
"DON'T GIVE ME THAT!" screamed Adrian, who couldn't believe someone he admired so much was saying this.
"YOU THINK IF YOU DIED NO ONE WOULD NOTICE?"
"LIFE IS FUCKING MEANGINGLESS!"
"WHY?" Billie hollered, Adrian and his eyes now glaring into one another.
"BECAUSE!" Adrian yelled back, biting his lip.
"DON'T GIVE ME THAT ADRIAN WHY?" Billie bellowed back at him, their faces now close.
"ALL THOSE FREEKIN PEOPLE WHO'D BE SO FUCKING SCREWED UP IF I DIED, WHERE THE FUCK WERE THEY WHEN MY UNCLE BEAT ME UNCONSCIOUS OKAY?" Adrian yelled, as his voice started to crack and he was short of breath. Billie's eyes softened.
"WHERE THE FUCK WERE THEY WHEN HE CUT ME OPEN? WHEN HE FUCKIN LIED TO ME! IF PEOPLE ARE SO FUCKIN COMPASSIONATE, HOW COME NO ONE WAS THERE FOR ME!" Adrian screamed through tears, pointing to his heart. He sat back down in the chair, sobbing.
"You know what I don't get?" Adrian said, looking up at the sky and smiling insanely, tears falling out of his eyes. Billie looked on with sadness, watching Adrian's eyes swim with confusion and pain.
"Where's God? Hmmm? Where the fuck is he? Why doesn't he show up and justify himself?" Adrian asked.
"You can never know that. And even if he gave you the answer, would you believe it? Even if you did, what would you have to believe in anymore?" Billie said, sitting on the chair across from Adrian.
"I dunno... I don't know... I just want something... anything... " Adrian sobbed. Billie knew how he felt. These were the questions people would ask all their lives.
And no one knew the answers.
Billie jumped as he felt hair brush past his leg.
"Oh shit!" he yelled, as a big yellow dog came and put its head on Adrian's lap. Adrian jumped.
"Where the hell... " Adrian asked, sniffing and looking around. The dog's eyes were transfixed on Adrian, not moving. Adrian was slightly scared by it, but somehow felt its touch soothing. Its fur rubbing softly against his scars and bruises. Billie looked on in disbelief. He'd seen that dog somewhere before.
"I'm never gunna let him take away my fucking compassion. Fucking bastard." Billie said, stroking the puppy one final time before closing the door and leaving.
"I swear... " Billie muttered. Adrian looked up at him.
"Huh?" he asked. The dog moved to sit beside Adrian, not moving. Billie looked at the dog deeply, his elbows rested on his knees and his chin in his clenched fists.
"That dog... the puppy... " Billie said. The dog barked once, still not moving from Adrian's side.
"What do you mean? You mean that puppy when you smashed the car up?" Adrian said, looking quickly to the dog. Billie nodded.
Adrian looked slowly at the dog as the phone rung, making both himself and Billie Joe jump. The dog followed him as Adrian went to the phone, the dog barking and growling at the receiver. Adrian picked it up slowly, as Billie stood in the doorway, arms folded and watching in both amusement and awe.
"I'll accept." Adrian said, cringing on hearing his uncle's name from the operators mouth.
"I just called to let you know Adrian, this isn't over, and when I get out, you're going to be apologizing to me you stupid shit!" Adrian's uncle growled from the other end of the receiver. Adrian swallowed as he felt the paralyzing sense of struggle gripping his chest and head as his uncle yelled more abuse at him. On hearing this yelling, Billie came and sat down next to him, pulling him close and hanging up the phone.
"Its okay. Its okay." Billie whispered as Adrian cried silently. The feeling of doubt began to just grow and grow, escalate, build up until Adrian was at breaking point. Adrian gripped Billie's hand tight and started breathing sharper and sharper to the point where he couldn't breathe at all. Billie held him at arms length and tried to speak to him but Adrian couldn't hear any of it, he was entering a deep overwhelmed panic.
But then the dog came and jumped on Adrian, nose to nose with him. It didn't lick him, bite him or growl at him, just stared at him. Adrian felt himself drifting into sleep, and felt more relaxed than he ever had...
Adrian felt darkness all around him, but comforting darkness. He knew he was asleep.
"I love you. Everything is going to be okay. Take life as it comes, and I'll take care of the rest. Don't give up. I love you and I've given you people who would do anything for you right by your side to show it."
A voice echoed through the mysterious darkness, reaching Adrian's ears before he felt his eyes opening again.
To see Billie, Mike, Tre, Zach, and the dog holding a photo of his adoptive parents.
"Right by your side to show it... " Adrian whispered, as the closest thing he had to a family stood by him, making him feel he finally had nothing to lose and everything to fall back on.
If he jumped now, someone would be there to catch him.
