What a father should be, chapter 6
Billie sat in his chair and leaned forward eagerly. He was itching with anticipation as he was finally about to see Zach's testimony. The court officer rolled out the television, as Zach simultaneously sat in his chair, waiting to tell what happened. The testimony was live and videoed from another room, so as not to bias Zach's retelling.
Billie bit his thumb.
in the other room, Zach did the same.
Billie then tapped his finger to the rhythm of Good Riddance.
in the other room, Zach tapped along to the exact same song.
Nervous... of course they both were. But the court didn't see the little things. The court didn't see Zach scratch his earlobe the exact same way and time Billie did. They could not see the connection or understand it. The television switched on as Zach and Billie lowered the fingers they had been scratching their earlobes with and laid them to rest in their laps.
Billie saw Zach's big hazel eyes looking uncertainly and sadly at the camera. They seemed so big, and his body seemed so small. Zach looked nervously at the camera and swallowed. Billie Joe immediately wanted to hug him. He knew that look and knew Zach was scared.
"Ok Zach, can you tell us how you met Billie Joe?" the social worker asked, as Billie saw Zach stir in his seat and swallow.
"Billie Joe heard me crying in the park behind the bushes and he came to see if I was okay. I was beaten up and he took me back to his studio and cleaned me up. I know what you think he did. You think he touched me like my dad. That's not true." Zach stated firmly. Billie wished he could be as clear cut as Zach was. He saw a darker tone of maturity in this six year old sitting in a chair before him.
"And how do you know that's what we think? Did somebody tell you that?" Zach shook his head.
"No. I just know that's what everybody thinks. You think that Billie Joe is an idiot and that he wants to hurt me." Zach looked silently at the camera, his eyes twinkling with a darkness, with a solemn quality that not many children had.
"Did Billie tell you that? Has Billie Joe been telling you what to say?" the social worker said, and Billie could see in Zach's eyes a hint of anger.
"No. I know what you're doing. You're putting words in my mouth. All Billie Joe has done for me is love me. All other people can just be daddies. They don't have to prove it. Billie has to prove he loves me, and I have to prove I love him. I can't do that. Sure, I can do what you want... I can tell you what happened, but it's up to the people to judge that story into what they think is right. You couldn't understand unless you were there, unless you felt what I felt and saw what he saw. You can't understand it, you'll think only bad thoughts. But I can feel it when he picks me up, when he talks to me. I know he's supposed to be my daddy. I know he loves me more than anything. I love him so much. He told me everything about his past, and he cried. I know he's honest and I know he'd never hurt me."
Zach began to cry, as Billie helplessly watched from his seat and obliviously felt himself doing the same. Zach's voice continued to reach Billie's ears, and as he watched Zach, felt as though he was millions of miles away...
"I even yelled at him. I screamed at him because he wanted to tell the police what my dad was doing. He wanted to tell them, and I ran for the door. He knelt in front of me and begged me, and I yelled at him and I even pushed him as hard as I could. I hurt him. Do you know what he did? He didn't even look angry at all. He went to hug me, to hug me and comfort me because I was crying. Then I told him to move and he did. He let me go. So... "
Zach's crying became heavier, and his voice started to tremble. Billie longed to touch the television screen, longed to hold Zach while he cried. He felt isolated and alone without Zach. And Zach felt the coldness from where he was sitting. The absence of each other lingered over their heads as Billie was silent for Zach and Zach spoke for Billie.
"So...i-if you think that after me yelling at him, hitting him and hurting him... and him only wanting to hug me back... that he's not a father for me... than I don't know what else to say. If he doesn't end up my daddy, after all of this, after me feeling like he is the only person I can talk to in the world, after me feeling like he holds everything I'm scared of below me when he has me in his arms, if after all we've been through, you won't let him be my father, than I don't think I could ever be happy. I don't know what will happen to me if he's not, but I know without him I'll die. I'll want to die, if I can't have him to go home to. Please... please... let me love him... let him love me... just let us be happy... "
Zach burst into slow sobs as the television connection was lost. Billie caught a last glimpse of the pain in Zach's eyes and it hurt him deeply. He put his head down and cried silently into his folded arms, wishing they would just see how much he wanted to be Zach's father.
The court looked on sadly, all moved by what Zach had to say. The judge shifted quietly and looked at Billie, who was shivering with his head down. The court was silent for what seemed to be an eternity as Zach's words soaked into their minds, touching them deeply and opening new light on Billie. Billie Joe saw another side to Zach as well. He saw pieces of his father in Zach, and he didn't know how.
He had never wanted to be with anyone so badly, to take care of someone so much. It hurt him, with every moment he knew he wasn't guaranteed to be Zach's forever. The world inside the court stabbed at Billie's heart as he buried his head deeper into his suit, trying to reach Zach.
But Zach was already doing and feeling the exact same thing.
Billie bit his thumb.
in the other room, Zach did the same.
Billie then tapped his finger to the rhythm of Good Riddance.
in the other room, Zach tapped along to the exact same song.
Nervous... of course they both were. But the court didn't see the little things. The court didn't see Zach scratch his earlobe the exact same way and time Billie did. They could not see the connection or understand it. The television switched on as Zach and Billie lowered the fingers they had been scratching their earlobes with and laid them to rest in their laps.
Billie saw Zach's big hazel eyes looking uncertainly and sadly at the camera. They seemed so big, and his body seemed so small. Zach looked nervously at the camera and swallowed. Billie Joe immediately wanted to hug him. He knew that look and knew Zach was scared.
"Ok Zach, can you tell us how you met Billie Joe?" the social worker asked, as Billie saw Zach stir in his seat and swallow.
"Billie Joe heard me crying in the park behind the bushes and he came to see if I was okay. I was beaten up and he took me back to his studio and cleaned me up. I know what you think he did. You think he touched me like my dad. That's not true." Zach stated firmly. Billie wished he could be as clear cut as Zach was. He saw a darker tone of maturity in this six year old sitting in a chair before him.
"And how do you know that's what we think? Did somebody tell you that?" Zach shook his head.
"No. I just know that's what everybody thinks. You think that Billie Joe is an idiot and that he wants to hurt me." Zach looked silently at the camera, his eyes twinkling with a darkness, with a solemn quality that not many children had.
"Did Billie tell you that? Has Billie Joe been telling you what to say?" the social worker said, and Billie could see in Zach's eyes a hint of anger.
"No. I know what you're doing. You're putting words in my mouth. All Billie Joe has done for me is love me. All other people can just be daddies. They don't have to prove it. Billie has to prove he loves me, and I have to prove I love him. I can't do that. Sure, I can do what you want... I can tell you what happened, but it's up to the people to judge that story into what they think is right. You couldn't understand unless you were there, unless you felt what I felt and saw what he saw. You can't understand it, you'll think only bad thoughts. But I can feel it when he picks me up, when he talks to me. I know he's supposed to be my daddy. I know he loves me more than anything. I love him so much. He told me everything about his past, and he cried. I know he's honest and I know he'd never hurt me."
Zach began to cry, as Billie helplessly watched from his seat and obliviously felt himself doing the same. Zach's voice continued to reach Billie's ears, and as he watched Zach, felt as though he was millions of miles away...
"I even yelled at him. I screamed at him because he wanted to tell the police what my dad was doing. He wanted to tell them, and I ran for the door. He knelt in front of me and begged me, and I yelled at him and I even pushed him as hard as I could. I hurt him. Do you know what he did? He didn't even look angry at all. He went to hug me, to hug me and comfort me because I was crying. Then I told him to move and he did. He let me go. So... "
Zach's crying became heavier, and his voice started to tremble. Billie longed to touch the television screen, longed to hold Zach while he cried. He felt isolated and alone without Zach. And Zach felt the coldness from where he was sitting. The absence of each other lingered over their heads as Billie was silent for Zach and Zach spoke for Billie.
"So...i-if you think that after me yelling at him, hitting him and hurting him... and him only wanting to hug me back... that he's not a father for me... than I don't know what else to say. If he doesn't end up my daddy, after all of this, after me feeling like he is the only person I can talk to in the world, after me feeling like he holds everything I'm scared of below me when he has me in his arms, if after all we've been through, you won't let him be my father, than I don't think I could ever be happy. I don't know what will happen to me if he's not, but I know without him I'll die. I'll want to die, if I can't have him to go home to. Please... please... let me love him... let him love me... just let us be happy... "
Zach burst into slow sobs as the television connection was lost. Billie caught a last glimpse of the pain in Zach's eyes and it hurt him deeply. He put his head down and cried silently into his folded arms, wishing they would just see how much he wanted to be Zach's father.
The court looked on sadly, all moved by what Zach had to say. The judge shifted quietly and looked at Billie, who was shivering with his head down. The court was silent for what seemed to be an eternity as Zach's words soaked into their minds, touching them deeply and opening new light on Billie. Billie Joe saw another side to Zach as well. He saw pieces of his father in Zach, and he didn't know how.
He had never wanted to be with anyone so badly, to take care of someone so much. It hurt him, with every moment he knew he wasn't guaranteed to be Zach's forever. The world inside the court stabbed at Billie's heart as he buried his head deeper into his suit, trying to reach Zach.
But Zach was already doing and feeling the exact same thing.
