I Won't Be Gone Forever, chapter 4
I stepped into the quiet stillness of the house,
"Hello?" I asked. My voice went unanswered. I looked in all the rooms downstairs and made my way to the second floor,
"Bam, are you here?" I said in an almost silent whisper. I had a bad feeling in my gut when I found that all the upstairs rooms were also empty. I leant against the wall in Bam's room; it surprised me that all her furniture was still occupying the house. I frowned as I breathed in deeply, Bam's smell. It was musty, yet sweet, smoky and fresh. I missed her already. I stood slowly and looked around the room once before returning downstairs. I glanced at the piles of boxes still to be unpacked and the scented candles that had recently been blown out. I smiled at some of Bam's t-shirts lying around and the half empty bottles of beer. Then I realised what had happened, Bam was gone, again. I turned towards the door and stepped on something small but hard. I lifted my foot to find an envelope with my name scrawled on the front. I opened it and read;
Billie Joe,
I'm sorry, I've done it again. I don't mean to hurt you and there's a reason why I have left and I will explain that to you when I come back. I will come back Billie, I promise you. I've left you something to wear always, to make you feel safe.
Be strong. I love you,
Bam x
I re-read the note a few times to make sure it was real. I didn't want it to be but it was. I then tipped the envelope and a small, silver ring fell out into the palm of my hand. I tried it on every finger until it finally fit the middle finger on my right hand perfectly. A few tears came to my eyes but didn't fall,
"Fuck," I whispered, looking round the room once more,
"I love you too." I turned and walked out of the door and down the drive. I didn't want to go back home so ran to the only other friend I knew I could trust.
"Mikey, are you home?" I pounded on Mike's door.
"I'm coming, I'm coming." Mike yelled and opened the door,
"Bill, dude what are you doing here?"
"Fuck Mike, Bam left." Mike stared hard at me, realised I was serious and said,
"Shit BJ where'd she go?"
"I've no fucking idea but I went her house this morning and she wasn't there." I was gesturing wildly with my hands, making Mike swerve so as not to be hit.
"Bill, calm down, come in." he ushered me into his house.
"I can't fucking believe it Mikey, I mean she just came back!"
"I know Bill just calm down and stop waving your hands everywhere." Mike sat on the couch, deep in thought. I slumped beside him,
"What were you doing at hers at," he looked at the clock, "Almost nine in the morning?"
"Well I went over there 'cuz I was pissed."
"Pissed at what?"
"I found my mum in bed with some shit head yesterday... "
"Whoa Bill, what the fuck, yesterday was, you know, your dad... "
"I know, but that's not all, this morning I came down to those two kissing and shit and when I stormed off the shit head threatened me." I finished,
"That's fucked up." Mike stated. I nodded and put my head in my hands. Once again Bam had left me at the time I needed her most. For the second time in my life she'd gone.
September '86
"Come on fucker, we're gunna be late!" I yelled to Mike as I pulled my torn up converse on and slung my bag over my shoulder.
"Billie Joe, language in the house!" my mum shouted from somewhere upstairs. I didn't answer. Over the years since my dad had passed away my mum and I rarely spoke but when she married the shit head, every chance I got, I'd ignore her.
"Geeze Bill, you could at least give me a new wake up call." Mike grumbled, appearing at the top of the stairs. I smiled broadly and replied,
"So that fog horn and cold water getting a bit old then?" he shot me an evil glance and slouched out of the house,
"Bye Ollie!" Mike called to mum,
"Bye Mikey, Billie." She replied. Again I ignored her. I didn't mind that Mike got along with my mum, she was his boss, but not even Mike talked to Brad. Aka; the shit head.
We dawdled towards another day of boredom and torture.
"Dude, you ok?" Mike asked,
"Meh." I replied.
"You're thinking bout Bam." He said, I smiled,
"Guilty."
"Bill, you know she probably won't come back." I looked straight ahead of me and said,
"She did last time and she will again." Mike shrugged as we walked through the gates.
*later that day*
"I'll see ya." Mike called as he walked out of the house on his way to work.
"Yeah, bye." I replied turning and walking out to the back garden. I got my cigarettes out of my pocket and lit up. Breathing out slowly I looked up at the glittering sky above me. Tears welled in my eyes as I thought about my dad.
"Shit." I whispered as I wiped away the tears and looked at the ring Bam had given me. It had been a year since she'd left. I wished she was with me; I missed her and dad more than anything. I finished my cigarette and padded back inside, only to meet the swaying, drunken figure of Brad. I quickly looked away and began to walk up the stairs,
"Billie Joe." Brad slurred. Still, I ignored him,
"Billie Joe, don't fucking, don't fucking ignore me boy." He carried on. Again I gave no response and moved quicker along the landing towards my room.
"You moody shit, get the fuck over here." His voice was getting louder as he stumbled up the stairs.
"Just 'cuz I'm not your precious daddy, doesn't mean you have to treat me like I'm not welcome." That did it, I ripped open my bedroom door and glared at Brad,
"Shut the fuck up, the only reason I treat you like you're not welcome, is 'cuz you're not!" I growled at him through gritted teeth,
"Oh you did not just say that." He had stopped at the top of the stairs and was staring hard at me,
"You won't make my mum half has happy as my dad did, she doesn't love you. None of this family does, just fuck off." My voice rose. My eyes were slits of anger, boring into Brad's but they widened considerably when he lunged towards me, his alcohol bottle raised above his head. I slammed the door shut and flinched as the bottle hit it and smashed loudly. I gripped the door handle and pulled the opposite way to Brad, he was yelling incomprehensibly until he eventually let go of the handle and stomped down the stairs and I heard the front door slam. I backed away from the door a bit and calmed my heavy breathing down. I then reached out and slowly opened the door, planning to run to Rod's hickory pit and tell mum what had happened. I looked at the stairs and tensed my legs, ready to start running but as I did so a shuffling noise from the other side of me made me turn my head. It was met with the fist of Brad,
"Gotcha fucker." He yelled triumphantly as if he was playing a game. I sat up and put my hand to my nose and felt blood trickling down my fingers. I then looked to my hands, they were cut up because of the shards of glass I'd fallen on. He moved towards me as I put a 'protective' arm up to shield my face. He grabbed me by the neck and shoved me up against the wall. I cried out as my back smacked the wall as did my head. I was almost choking for my feet were completely off the floor. Brad's sneering smile made me cringe,
"I told you you'd pay if you did me wrong boy." I hated the way he called me 'boy' as if I wasn't real. I nodded quickly and gasped as he let me go, watching me fall to the floor. He kicked me in the stomach before shuffling into mum's bedroom and closing the door. I got up, using the wall for support and holding my neck and belly. I snuck into the bathroom where I cleaned up my already swollen nose and wiped away the glass and blood from my hands. Lifting my t-shirt I found a huge red mark on my stomach,
"Fuck." I whispered studying the few red lines on my neck. I slunk back to my bedroom where I picked up Blue and lay down on the bed. I didn't want to play anything just in case I disturbed Brad and caused another beating incident. I curled up on top of the covers, clutching Blue tight to me and wishing with all my heart that Bam and my dad were watching over me as I slept.
*
I awoke to a deep, loud noise ringing in my ears. I sat up instantly and was met with a splash of cold water on my face. I groaned and lay back down,
"Revenge, revenge, oh sweet revenge!" Mike yelled as he pranced around my room blowing the fog horn. He danced over to my curtains and ripped them open; turning quickly towards me his face immediately fell,
"Whoa BJ what... ?" he trailed off, not knowing what to say. I sat up slowly and cast my eyes down to the floor,
"Bill, what the fuck happened?" he rushed over and bent down. I sighed and fiddled with my ring,
"Brad," I muttered. Mike's eyes widened,
"Shit Bill, wha... um." I could tell he was lost for words. I smiled weakly and said,
"I need to go for a walk, will you come with?"
"Fuck, yeah sure." Mike stood quickly and we both left the house before my mum or Brad could see us.
Mike and I walked in silence for a few seconds until we came to Bam's old house. I looked up and sighed but then I noticed what was happening,
"Fuck Mike what the hell?" I stopped and immediately ran towards the house where men in overalls were bundling Bam's boxes and belongings into a truck.
"Bill, wait up." Mike called, coming after me. I rushed into the house to find it half empty. I grabbed a tall, skinny man by the arm,
"Sir, what the fucks going on?" he stared down at me and said,
"This place has been empty for a year now so we're moving all the abandoned shit outta here."
"What? No you can't it doesn't belong to you, it... "
"Does it belong to you?" he interrupted,
"Well, no but... "
"Then sorry kid, I got my orders." He replied before turning, picking up an overflowing box and carrying out of the house. I stepped aside and let him pass, there was noting I could do. I walked slowly up the stairs, Mike followed. I entered Bam's room and gazed around. They'd already emptied everything out of here. I leant against the wall and slid down it slowly. Mike stood in the doorway in complete silence. I rested my bruised face in my hands and stayed that way until I was the only thing left in the empty house.
"Hello?" I asked. My voice went unanswered. I looked in all the rooms downstairs and made my way to the second floor,
"Bam, are you here?" I said in an almost silent whisper. I had a bad feeling in my gut when I found that all the upstairs rooms were also empty. I leant against the wall in Bam's room; it surprised me that all her furniture was still occupying the house. I frowned as I breathed in deeply, Bam's smell. It was musty, yet sweet, smoky and fresh. I missed her already. I stood slowly and looked around the room once before returning downstairs. I glanced at the piles of boxes still to be unpacked and the scented candles that had recently been blown out. I smiled at some of Bam's t-shirts lying around and the half empty bottles of beer. Then I realised what had happened, Bam was gone, again. I turned towards the door and stepped on something small but hard. I lifted my foot to find an envelope with my name scrawled on the front. I opened it and read;
Billie Joe,
I'm sorry, I've done it again. I don't mean to hurt you and there's a reason why I have left and I will explain that to you when I come back. I will come back Billie, I promise you. I've left you something to wear always, to make you feel safe.
Be strong. I love you,
Bam x
I re-read the note a few times to make sure it was real. I didn't want it to be but it was. I then tipped the envelope and a small, silver ring fell out into the palm of my hand. I tried it on every finger until it finally fit the middle finger on my right hand perfectly. A few tears came to my eyes but didn't fall,
"Fuck," I whispered, looking round the room once more,
"I love you too." I turned and walked out of the door and down the drive. I didn't want to go back home so ran to the only other friend I knew I could trust.
"Mikey, are you home?" I pounded on Mike's door.
"I'm coming, I'm coming." Mike yelled and opened the door,
"Bill, dude what are you doing here?"
"Fuck Mike, Bam left." Mike stared hard at me, realised I was serious and said,
"Shit BJ where'd she go?"
"I've no fucking idea but I went her house this morning and she wasn't there." I was gesturing wildly with my hands, making Mike swerve so as not to be hit.
"Bill, calm down, come in." he ushered me into his house.
"I can't fucking believe it Mikey, I mean she just came back!"
"I know Bill just calm down and stop waving your hands everywhere." Mike sat on the couch, deep in thought. I slumped beside him,
"What were you doing at hers at," he looked at the clock, "Almost nine in the morning?"
"Well I went over there 'cuz I was pissed."
"Pissed at what?"
"I found my mum in bed with some shit head yesterday... "
"Whoa Bill, what the fuck, yesterday was, you know, your dad... "
"I know, but that's not all, this morning I came down to those two kissing and shit and when I stormed off the shit head threatened me." I finished,
"That's fucked up." Mike stated. I nodded and put my head in my hands. Once again Bam had left me at the time I needed her most. For the second time in my life she'd gone.
September '86
"Come on fucker, we're gunna be late!" I yelled to Mike as I pulled my torn up converse on and slung my bag over my shoulder.
"Billie Joe, language in the house!" my mum shouted from somewhere upstairs. I didn't answer. Over the years since my dad had passed away my mum and I rarely spoke but when she married the shit head, every chance I got, I'd ignore her.
"Geeze Bill, you could at least give me a new wake up call." Mike grumbled, appearing at the top of the stairs. I smiled broadly and replied,
"So that fog horn and cold water getting a bit old then?" he shot me an evil glance and slouched out of the house,
"Bye Ollie!" Mike called to mum,
"Bye Mikey, Billie." She replied. Again I ignored her. I didn't mind that Mike got along with my mum, she was his boss, but not even Mike talked to Brad. Aka; the shit head.
We dawdled towards another day of boredom and torture.
"Dude, you ok?" Mike asked,
"Meh." I replied.
"You're thinking bout Bam." He said, I smiled,
"Guilty."
"Bill, you know she probably won't come back." I looked straight ahead of me and said,
"She did last time and she will again." Mike shrugged as we walked through the gates.
*later that day*
"I'll see ya." Mike called as he walked out of the house on his way to work.
"Yeah, bye." I replied turning and walking out to the back garden. I got my cigarettes out of my pocket and lit up. Breathing out slowly I looked up at the glittering sky above me. Tears welled in my eyes as I thought about my dad.
"Shit." I whispered as I wiped away the tears and looked at the ring Bam had given me. It had been a year since she'd left. I wished she was with me; I missed her and dad more than anything. I finished my cigarette and padded back inside, only to meet the swaying, drunken figure of Brad. I quickly looked away and began to walk up the stairs,
"Billie Joe." Brad slurred. Still, I ignored him,
"Billie Joe, don't fucking, don't fucking ignore me boy." He carried on. Again I gave no response and moved quicker along the landing towards my room.
"You moody shit, get the fuck over here." His voice was getting louder as he stumbled up the stairs.
"Just 'cuz I'm not your precious daddy, doesn't mean you have to treat me like I'm not welcome." That did it, I ripped open my bedroom door and glared at Brad,
"Shut the fuck up, the only reason I treat you like you're not welcome, is 'cuz you're not!" I growled at him through gritted teeth,
"Oh you did not just say that." He had stopped at the top of the stairs and was staring hard at me,
"You won't make my mum half has happy as my dad did, she doesn't love you. None of this family does, just fuck off." My voice rose. My eyes were slits of anger, boring into Brad's but they widened considerably when he lunged towards me, his alcohol bottle raised above his head. I slammed the door shut and flinched as the bottle hit it and smashed loudly. I gripped the door handle and pulled the opposite way to Brad, he was yelling incomprehensibly until he eventually let go of the handle and stomped down the stairs and I heard the front door slam. I backed away from the door a bit and calmed my heavy breathing down. I then reached out and slowly opened the door, planning to run to Rod's hickory pit and tell mum what had happened. I looked at the stairs and tensed my legs, ready to start running but as I did so a shuffling noise from the other side of me made me turn my head. It was met with the fist of Brad,
"Gotcha fucker." He yelled triumphantly as if he was playing a game. I sat up and put my hand to my nose and felt blood trickling down my fingers. I then looked to my hands, they were cut up because of the shards of glass I'd fallen on. He moved towards me as I put a 'protective' arm up to shield my face. He grabbed me by the neck and shoved me up against the wall. I cried out as my back smacked the wall as did my head. I was almost choking for my feet were completely off the floor. Brad's sneering smile made me cringe,
"I told you you'd pay if you did me wrong boy." I hated the way he called me 'boy' as if I wasn't real. I nodded quickly and gasped as he let me go, watching me fall to the floor. He kicked me in the stomach before shuffling into mum's bedroom and closing the door. I got up, using the wall for support and holding my neck and belly. I snuck into the bathroom where I cleaned up my already swollen nose and wiped away the glass and blood from my hands. Lifting my t-shirt I found a huge red mark on my stomach,
"Fuck." I whispered studying the few red lines on my neck. I slunk back to my bedroom where I picked up Blue and lay down on the bed. I didn't want to play anything just in case I disturbed Brad and caused another beating incident. I curled up on top of the covers, clutching Blue tight to me and wishing with all my heart that Bam and my dad were watching over me as I slept.
*
I awoke to a deep, loud noise ringing in my ears. I sat up instantly and was met with a splash of cold water on my face. I groaned and lay back down,
"Revenge, revenge, oh sweet revenge!" Mike yelled as he pranced around my room blowing the fog horn. He danced over to my curtains and ripped them open; turning quickly towards me his face immediately fell,
"Whoa BJ what... ?" he trailed off, not knowing what to say. I sat up slowly and cast my eyes down to the floor,
"Bill, what the fuck happened?" he rushed over and bent down. I sighed and fiddled with my ring,
"Brad," I muttered. Mike's eyes widened,
"Shit Bill, wha... um." I could tell he was lost for words. I smiled weakly and said,
"I need to go for a walk, will you come with?"
"Fuck, yeah sure." Mike stood quickly and we both left the house before my mum or Brad could see us.
Mike and I walked in silence for a few seconds until we came to Bam's old house. I looked up and sighed but then I noticed what was happening,
"Fuck Mike what the hell?" I stopped and immediately ran towards the house where men in overalls were bundling Bam's boxes and belongings into a truck.
"Bill, wait up." Mike called, coming after me. I rushed into the house to find it half empty. I grabbed a tall, skinny man by the arm,
"Sir, what the fucks going on?" he stared down at me and said,
"This place has been empty for a year now so we're moving all the abandoned shit outta here."
"What? No you can't it doesn't belong to you, it... "
"Does it belong to you?" he interrupted,
"Well, no but... "
"Then sorry kid, I got my orders." He replied before turning, picking up an overflowing box and carrying out of the house. I stepped aside and let him pass, there was noting I could do. I walked slowly up the stairs, Mike followed. I entered Bam's room and gazed around. They'd already emptied everything out of here. I leant against the wall and slid down it slowly. Mike stood in the doorway in complete silence. I rested my bruised face in my hands and stayed that way until I was the only thing left in the empty house.
