Until The Grave Is Our Home, chapter 1
I held the tape recorder in my shaky hand, trying to figure out how in the hell I was ever going to get through this. What was the point of making this tape anyway? You would never hear it. You would never know how much you had meant to everyone around you. So telling you all these things on a tape seemed pointless; all it did was reiterate the fact that we had lost our chance.
Regardless, I pushed the red button and held it up to my mouth, taking a slow breath to collect my thoughts. I didn't start with your name. I couldn't bring myself to say it.
"I don't know why I'm doing this," I stopped and sat down on the bed. "I ... had things I needed to say." I gave a small laugh, "Things are always left unsaid, aren't they? But more so with us. Because the night you left, we had just had the first fight since we were eighteen. I don't know where that came from, Bill." Suddenly his name didn't seem so hard. It was the things I was saying that were horrible to re-live. "I was being stupid. I was angry about my own stuff and I dragged you into it. If I had known the last thing I would ever say to you would be... what I said. Bill, the weight of what I said eats at me every day since it happened. To have that be my last memory of you is the most difficult thing I've ever had to live with.
"You were my first friend. Did I ever tell you that? All I ever had before you was my brothers. I had never dreamed that there could be anyone else in the world that was so much like me. It was like we were the same person. And that ended up taking us on the greatest adventure we could ever have dreamed of. Who would have known we would go from practice in your crowded basement to two Grammy's, Madison Square Garden...actually having money for the first time in our lives. And it was all because of you, Bill. You saved my life, you saved your life, and you saved Tre's life. All because you didn't give up on something that seemed so impossible. I'm sorry I ever doubted you for a minute. I should have known that with your ambition we could get anywhere... So where was your ambition that night, when all you had in you was hate?
"Bill, you got to know she was trying to help. I think... I think you took it the wrong way. She was scared, Bill. We all were. None of us knew you anymore. The things you were doing to yourself, the way you were treating everyone around you. It terrified us. Were you even aware of what you were doing to yourself? Of what you were doing to us? Did you notice the look in your children's eyes when you got home at night? I did. They were afraid of you. And I know you never wanted that. You loved those kids more than you thought it was possible to love another human being. But somewhere along the way you lost yourself, and you were replaced with something unidentifiable; something that would place that fear in your own children, your wife, your best friends."
He broke off. He felt like he was guilting his best friend... and even though Billie couldn't hear him, it felt wrong. He leaned his head against the bed, and finally let the tears that had been threatening to escape spill over. He brought the recorder to his lips one final time.
"I miss you, Billie."
Regardless, I pushed the red button and held it up to my mouth, taking a slow breath to collect my thoughts. I didn't start with your name. I couldn't bring myself to say it.
"I don't know why I'm doing this," I stopped and sat down on the bed. "I ... had things I needed to say." I gave a small laugh, "Things are always left unsaid, aren't they? But more so with us. Because the night you left, we had just had the first fight since we were eighteen. I don't know where that came from, Bill." Suddenly his name didn't seem so hard. It was the things I was saying that were horrible to re-live. "I was being stupid. I was angry about my own stuff and I dragged you into it. If I had known the last thing I would ever say to you would be... what I said. Bill, the weight of what I said eats at me every day since it happened. To have that be my last memory of you is the most difficult thing I've ever had to live with.
"You were my first friend. Did I ever tell you that? All I ever had before you was my brothers. I had never dreamed that there could be anyone else in the world that was so much like me. It was like we were the same person. And that ended up taking us on the greatest adventure we could ever have dreamed of. Who would have known we would go from practice in your crowded basement to two Grammy's, Madison Square Garden...actually having money for the first time in our lives. And it was all because of you, Bill. You saved my life, you saved your life, and you saved Tre's life. All because you didn't give up on something that seemed so impossible. I'm sorry I ever doubted you for a minute. I should have known that with your ambition we could get anywhere... So where was your ambition that night, when all you had in you was hate?
"Bill, you got to know she was trying to help. I think... I think you took it the wrong way. She was scared, Bill. We all were. None of us knew you anymore. The things you were doing to yourself, the way you were treating everyone around you. It terrified us. Were you even aware of what you were doing to yourself? Of what you were doing to us? Did you notice the look in your children's eyes when you got home at night? I did. They were afraid of you. And I know you never wanted that. You loved those kids more than you thought it was possible to love another human being. But somewhere along the way you lost yourself, and you were replaced with something unidentifiable; something that would place that fear in your own children, your wife, your best friends."
He broke off. He felt like he was guilting his best friend... and even though Billie couldn't hear him, it felt wrong. He leaned his head against the bed, and finally let the tears that had been threatening to escape spill over. He brought the recorder to his lips one final time.
"I miss you, Billie."
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