Fallin Apart, chapter 1
My life is falling apart...
Charlie, he was my world. I really think I was starting to fall in love with him. When I left for college... He was the only thing that kept me sane. I hate it up there. But just the fact that I could talk to him everynight made the day go faster. He was the only good thing about my day. I couldn't WAIT to go home to see him. I know you know what I mean when I say, its the only thing that really mattered... Going home.
Saw him Friday... Perfect. I was sooo happy. I could have fallen asleep in his arms. Then Sunday came... And well everything went bad. He broke up with me... Don't ask me why 'cause I'm not sure myself. He said something about how he doesn't have time for a girlfriend (apparently his family said this too) and then his bullshit line of "i still care about you I just don't wanna date you." I really don't know if he's telling the truth. I mean, it really could be that he just lost feelings for me, but for some reason I just don't feel that he does. I saw the look on his face when we were there... His eyes were saying "it's not over." Wow, I just feel like, he's afraid of what he's feeling. Like he's afraid to be in love 'cause he is young. I think you're only too young when you're afraid to admit your feelings.
I'm hurt... Very hurt. It's only been 5 days but I've cried everyone of them. When I got back to school Sunday night I broke down. I realized I was alone in this place without my support system. And I got home today and broke down realizing the whole reason I was home was to see him and I don't have him anymore. GOD I miss him so much... We talked and he said he still wanted to hang out and be friends... But I can't handle that he's gonna date other girls, kiss other girls... Feel about other girls the way I want him to feel about me. I just want him to come back to me. I haven't taken off my necklace or taken down any of his pictures in my room 'cause I'm just hoping he'll miss me and come back. Mark and Heather got back together. For once, I want him to be like Mark.
Why does this have to happen to me. I got so attached. This was the first guy I could see myself with for a long time. That's never happened before. And now it's gone. I just wish I had someone who could call him and talk to him. I need clarity... A reason for why he doesn't want to be with me... Why doesn't he want to be with me? I don't get it. I NEED TO KNOW WHY! I can't take another crying session... It's not healthy and I hate it. I hate feeling like this. But I can't tell him I'm not fine 'cause that gives him the power... He'll know he can control my feelings. I need advice better than "it just takes time" or "you'll meet some great guy who will love you". That's what we were all taught to say in this situation, but I need real advice that will help me. GOSH my life is so messed up... I'm falling apart.
Charlie, he was my world. I really think I was starting to fall in love with him. When I left for college... He was the only thing that kept me sane. I hate it up there. But just the fact that I could talk to him everynight made the day go faster. He was the only good thing about my day. I couldn't WAIT to go home to see him. I know you know what I mean when I say, its the only thing that really mattered... Going home.
Saw him Friday... Perfect. I was sooo happy. I could have fallen asleep in his arms. Then Sunday came... And well everything went bad. He broke up with me... Don't ask me why 'cause I'm not sure myself. He said something about how he doesn't have time for a girlfriend (apparently his family said this too) and then his bullshit line of "i still care about you I just don't wanna date you." I really don't know if he's telling the truth. I mean, it really could be that he just lost feelings for me, but for some reason I just don't feel that he does. I saw the look on his face when we were there... His eyes were saying "it's not over." Wow, I just feel like, he's afraid of what he's feeling. Like he's afraid to be in love 'cause he is young. I think you're only too young when you're afraid to admit your feelings.
I'm hurt... Very hurt. It's only been 5 days but I've cried everyone of them. When I got back to school Sunday night I broke down. I realized I was alone in this place without my support system. And I got home today and broke down realizing the whole reason I was home was to see him and I don't have him anymore. GOD I miss him so much... We talked and he said he still wanted to hang out and be friends... But I can't handle that he's gonna date other girls, kiss other girls... Feel about other girls the way I want him to feel about me. I just want him to come back to me. I haven't taken off my necklace or taken down any of his pictures in my room 'cause I'm just hoping he'll miss me and come back. Mark and Heather got back together. For once, I want him to be like Mark.
Why does this have to happen to me. I got so attached. This was the first guy I could see myself with for a long time. That's never happened before. And now it's gone. I just wish I had someone who could call him and talk to him. I need clarity... A reason for why he doesn't want to be with me... Why doesn't he want to be with me? I don't get it. I NEED TO KNOW WHY! I can't take another crying session... It's not healthy and I hate it. I hate feeling like this. But I can't tell him I'm not fine 'cause that gives him the power... He'll know he can control my feelings. I need advice better than "it just takes time" or "you'll meet some great guy who will love you". That's what we were all taught to say in this situation, but I need real advice that will help me. GOSH my life is so messed up... I'm falling apart.
