My Life, chapter 6
My father didn't respond to the evil words that I had spitted out, but he did swerve the car over to the left and pulled off the highway onto a rest stop. Oh god, I thought, was he going to beat the living shit out of me?! I swiftly moved my hand to the door handle just incase, if he tried to lay a finger on me I'd be out the door as quick as lighting. He did nothing of the sort however, instead he got out of the car and walked over to a bench and sat down. I sat in the car seat and just watched him, what the hell was he doing? Whatever, I hate him and no matter how much I felt obligated to, I wouldn't take back what I said to him. I meant every word of it. He is a big boy, he can deal with it.
About an hour later he was still sitting on that same bench and I was still in the car. He hadn't moved. I got tired of his hissy fit and got out of the car, I made my way over to the bench and stood in front of him. I was sick of this act he was putting on, I felt like smacking him I was so angry with him. But then I moved closer to him, I was less than a foot away from him and I could see the hurt in his eyes. At that moment I cracked, all my anger disappeared, my eyes welled up with tears and I crashed into him, embracing him tightly. I realized he hadn't been putting on an act, he was sincere the whole time. I felt horrible for the terrible words that had spilled out of my mouth, I hadn't meant them, in truth I loved my father beyond words.
"I never meant it," I cried into his shoulder. My grip tighten and I felt him wrap his arms around me. He pulled me onto his lap which made me smile through my tears, I hadn't sat on his lap since I was a baby. We sat like that for I don't know how long, but long enough for the sun to set. Darkness crept over us but we didn't care, it was as though we felt safe in each others grip. Finally our hold loosened and I pull away from him but remained sitting on his lap. I looked at his face, his eyeliner was smeared all around his eyes and down his cheeks. He smiled weakly and kissed my forehead, I smiled weakly back and got up and stood before him. "Maybe we should get back on the road," I said. I was exhausted from my outpour of emotion and pretty hungry too. He stood up and we walked to the car together. It was almost completely dark now, it was around 8:00pm. We got in the car and he exited the rest stop and got back onto the empty highway.
I felt relieved beyond belief. You have no idea. I had actually had a breakthrough moment with my father, I had never shared my feelings and emotions with him like that before. I felt...free. Perhaps this trip was a good idea, maybe he was right.
He parked at a motel by the name of Johnny's. He got out of the car and headed for the office and checked in, he shortly came back out with a key. He got back in the car and told me we would be staying in room 14. He drove down the vacant parking lot and parked in front of our room. We got out and sleepily walked into our room, it was actually pretty nice for a motel. We have always stayed in fancy hotel rooms, usually suites, so this was roughing it, for us at least. I jumped on my bed, I claimed the closest one to the door. I watched him snoop around the room, he finally found what he was looking for and sat on the other bed.
He smiled and held up the packet of paper he was looking at, it read room service on the top. Since when do motels have room service? Anyway, I smiled and jumped over to his bed and sat next to him. He decided on a lasagne dinner while I went for chicken nuggets. He called it in and then we sat in silence.
All was not well yet of course, my outburst of anger was still fresh on both our minds. I decided to talk and end the awkward silence.
"I'm sorry dad. I do love you," I said as tears welled up in my eyes once again. He looked me straight in the eyes and I quickly cast my gaze to the floor. I wasn't ready for eye contact yet. He put his arm around me and held me close to him.
"I know," he whispered. He rubbed my back and began to sing a song that was quite familiar to me. It was the song I had written for him for his birthday. He had memorized it already? I didn't think he really even read it, I thought he would just throw it away. Maybe I was wrong about him the whole time, maybe my father really was a good guy. Or was I just being vulnerable?
About an hour later he was still sitting on that same bench and I was still in the car. He hadn't moved. I got tired of his hissy fit and got out of the car, I made my way over to the bench and stood in front of him. I was sick of this act he was putting on, I felt like smacking him I was so angry with him. But then I moved closer to him, I was less than a foot away from him and I could see the hurt in his eyes. At that moment I cracked, all my anger disappeared, my eyes welled up with tears and I crashed into him, embracing him tightly. I realized he hadn't been putting on an act, he was sincere the whole time. I felt horrible for the terrible words that had spilled out of my mouth, I hadn't meant them, in truth I loved my father beyond words.
"I never meant it," I cried into his shoulder. My grip tighten and I felt him wrap his arms around me. He pulled me onto his lap which made me smile through my tears, I hadn't sat on his lap since I was a baby. We sat like that for I don't know how long, but long enough for the sun to set. Darkness crept over us but we didn't care, it was as though we felt safe in each others grip. Finally our hold loosened and I pull away from him but remained sitting on his lap. I looked at his face, his eyeliner was smeared all around his eyes and down his cheeks. He smiled weakly and kissed my forehead, I smiled weakly back and got up and stood before him. "Maybe we should get back on the road," I said. I was exhausted from my outpour of emotion and pretty hungry too. He stood up and we walked to the car together. It was almost completely dark now, it was around 8:00pm. We got in the car and he exited the rest stop and got back onto the empty highway.
I felt relieved beyond belief. You have no idea. I had actually had a breakthrough moment with my father, I had never shared my feelings and emotions with him like that before. I felt...free. Perhaps this trip was a good idea, maybe he was right.
He parked at a motel by the name of Johnny's. He got out of the car and headed for the office and checked in, he shortly came back out with a key. He got back in the car and told me we would be staying in room 14. He drove down the vacant parking lot and parked in front of our room. We got out and sleepily walked into our room, it was actually pretty nice for a motel. We have always stayed in fancy hotel rooms, usually suites, so this was roughing it, for us at least. I jumped on my bed, I claimed the closest one to the door. I watched him snoop around the room, he finally found what he was looking for and sat on the other bed.
He smiled and held up the packet of paper he was looking at, it read room service on the top. Since when do motels have room service? Anyway, I smiled and jumped over to his bed and sat next to him. He decided on a lasagne dinner while I went for chicken nuggets. He called it in and then we sat in silence.
All was not well yet of course, my outburst of anger was still fresh on both our minds. I decided to talk and end the awkward silence.
"I'm sorry dad. I do love you," I said as tears welled up in my eyes once again. He looked me straight in the eyes and I quickly cast my gaze to the floor. I wasn't ready for eye contact yet. He put his arm around me and held me close to him.
"I know," he whispered. He rubbed my back and began to sing a song that was quite familiar to me. It was the song I had written for him for his birthday. He had memorized it already? I didn't think he really even read it, I thought he would just throw it away. Maybe I was wrong about him the whole time, maybe my father really was a good guy. Or was I just being vulnerable?
