You're A Blur In My Dead Past, chapter 5
I lifted my eyes and looked at Mike. His blue eyes had a look of sadness. An immediate feeling of guilt swept over me. Why was I feeling guilty? I had nothing to feel guilty about. Mike knew that I loved him, and now I know that he loved me. Only thing is, he still does love me. It was at that very moment that I realized that love can be a part of you no matter how long its been or the distance between you to. Love is a strong feeling that keeps two people together, and unbreakable bond.
"Are you gonna say something or am I just gonna stand here like a fool with my heart showing?"
" I don't know what to say. This is just so unexpected. I thought you had forgotten about me, that I would never have gotten to tell you how I felt about you. I felt almost like it was wrong for me to love you. Do you know how long it took me to get over those feelings because I knew you would never come back? A really long time, Mikey. Just knowing that you feel the same way I did years ago just confuses me even more than I already am." I took his hand and pulled him down onto the bed next to me. "You can't just expect me to just turn my life around for you, all because you love me. My life has moved on. Tre and I have been getting close."
What was I saying? I loved Mike with all my heart, my brain knew it, my body knew it, why couldn't I convince my heart that it knew it to? I remember the feeling of utter joy when I read that letter BJ got, the one that said my Mikey was coming home. I also felt a great deal of rage because I knew I would have to deal with my suppressed feelings again. I could handle that. My life always has to change at the most inconvenient of times. I continued to stare into his eyes and I let out a big sigh.
"I know Mags. You don't love me anymore. It's ok." He let go of my hand and ran his hand through his hair and picked up the album and looked at the cover. "I guess it was all a dream"
"Mikey, don't say that. It hurts me uncontrollably when you say things like that. The truth is, I think I still love you to. I don't know what I'm gonna do. I like Tre too, and I cant just completely ignore him because you've professed your love for me." I took a deep breath. "can you let me talk to him? Give me a few days or something?"
He nodded gently. "Sure"
I hugged him and kissed his cheek. "I missed you".
The next week of school was awful for me. Tre and I were inseparable and I knew that it was killing Mike. I had to tell Tre eventually. But then a thought occurred in my mind. What if I didn't tell Tre? What if I told Mike? The way I feel around Mike is incomparable to the way Tre makes me feel. I feel like a school girl when Tre holds me in his arms. Yet, with Mike, I feel like the whole world has stopped. I told Billie my problem, but it didn't help. He only said that I should follow my heart. That wouldn't really be a good idea now, my heart was not helping me. I avoided both guys on Friday, not taking any calls and not stopping when someone shouted my name in the hallways. I couldn't handle it anymore. I was gonna go crazy. I locked myself in my room, only leaving to eat. Both Tre and Mike had tried to get my attention by pelting my windows with tiny pebbles, and I ignored them both.
I imagine Tre finally cracked under the pressure because while I was doing my homework Saturday night, he barged into my room.
"Megan! Why have you been ignoring me?"
"Ever heard of knocking Tre? Damn."
"Answer my question."
"I haven't been ignoring you," I looked down at the floor, "it's just, I've got a problem and I need some time to think about it."
He lifted my chin with his fingers "What's wrong?"
I took a deep breath "Mikeloveesmeandidon'tknowwhatimgonnadoaboutit"
"Mags, in English please?"
"Mike is in love with me," I sighed.
Silence. I looked up at him and he had sat down on my bed, rubbing his eyes.
"What are you gonna do?"
"I don't know!" I shouted, getting frustrated "I love both of you." My eyes began to fill with tears.
I sat on my pillows, my knees curled up to my chest and remained quiet. Tre didn't say anything for a while either.
I started to get up and walk out of my room so I could get a glass of water when Tre laid his hand on my wrist and spun me around. He pulled me onto his lap and cupped my cheek. He stared into my eyes for a few seconds before placing a gentle, yet passionate kiss on my lips. It sent a tingle through my whole body and made my heart quiver. I didn't think that was possible, but it sure as hell felt like it. When I pulled away I saw him smiling.
"I hope that helps"
I kissed his cheek and walked down to my kitchen. He was just making this harder than it had to be. I still couldn't decide who I wanted more. Mike had been the only person in my life for 5 years before he left, and now that he's back, I don't ever want to be apart from him again. The thing with Tre was that, I loved him with my whole heart and it hurt me to know that I wouldn't get to be with him either. My heart ached for the two boys.
My phone rang while I was in the kitchen and I heart Tre answer it before I could get back up to my room.
"Hello, Mags' room. Um, Yeah, just a second"
He held the phone out to me. "Its Mike".
My heart sank to a new low. WHY?! My life was so fucking complicated. I took the phone and took a deep breath.
"Hello?"
"Hey Mags. I noticed that you haven't exactly been paying attention to me lately. Is everything ok?"
I stayed silent for a minute. "Yeah, everything's fine. I've just needed time to think things through. Its not your fault". I looked at Tre, he was busy going through my things on my desk. I hit the back of his head and mouthed 'Don't touch my stuff'. He made a face in return and grabbed me around the waist and pulled me down. I yelped and giggled.
"Mags? Are you ok? What happened?" Mike asked.
"Oh, nothing. Tre's over and he just tackled me again" I replied, trying to remove Tre's arms from around my waist."
"Oh, ok. I said I would meet BJ at the coffee shop, I should get going"
"Mmk Mikey, ill see you at school tomorrow"
"Yeah, Bye"
A click and dead silence. I hung the phone up and turned back to Tre and hit him again.
"Not while I'm on the phone. Thanks"
He made another face and let go of me. "I'm bored, wanna go out?"
"In case you didn't notice the thousands of papers all over my room" I gestured to the papers "I'm a little busy doing homework. Maybe when I'm done ill consider being seen with you in public" I joked.
He stuck his tongue out at me. "You love me"
"No I don't" I smirked.
"Liar"
I was walking by the music room Monday afternoon, talking with Mike and Billie when I hear the most infectious beat ever. I stopped, looked around and opened the music room door. I followed the sound down a hall and pushed open the door without a sound. I saw Tre sitting at the drum kit, pounding the hell out of them with his eyes closed and his tongue sticking out. Billie and Mike leaned against the wall as I sat down on a stool quietly and continued to watch Tre play. His wild movements amazed me. I turned back to look at BJ and Mike and gave them a thumbs up. The looks on the faces were priceless. Billie suddenly stood up straight and walked towards the case where the guitars were kept. He picked one up and started to strum along to Tre's playing. Tre stopped when he heard the guitar and looked around the room. He blushed and almost fell off his seat when he saw the three of us standing there.
"Keep going Franky. You aren't half bad" I joked, smiling at him.
He picked up the drumsticks again and coordinated with Billie'splaying. I looked around the room and noticed a green bass leaning against the chalkboard. I walked over, picked it up and walked over to Mike, handing it to him. He took it reluctantly and sat down next to Billie.
It was silent for a moment before I spoke up.
"You all know how to play 'Knowledge' don't you?"
All three of them nodded and looked at each other.
"Then go". I sat back on my stool and watched them all. A big smile appeared on my face as I watched my guys play together. That's right, they're MY guys.
Knowledge was officially my favorite song as of then.
"Are you gonna say something or am I just gonna stand here like a fool with my heart showing?"
" I don't know what to say. This is just so unexpected. I thought you had forgotten about me, that I would never have gotten to tell you how I felt about you. I felt almost like it was wrong for me to love you. Do you know how long it took me to get over those feelings because I knew you would never come back? A really long time, Mikey. Just knowing that you feel the same way I did years ago just confuses me even more than I already am." I took his hand and pulled him down onto the bed next to me. "You can't just expect me to just turn my life around for you, all because you love me. My life has moved on. Tre and I have been getting close."
What was I saying? I loved Mike with all my heart, my brain knew it, my body knew it, why couldn't I convince my heart that it knew it to? I remember the feeling of utter joy when I read that letter BJ got, the one that said my Mikey was coming home. I also felt a great deal of rage because I knew I would have to deal with my suppressed feelings again. I could handle that. My life always has to change at the most inconvenient of times. I continued to stare into his eyes and I let out a big sigh.
"I know Mags. You don't love me anymore. It's ok." He let go of my hand and ran his hand through his hair and picked up the album and looked at the cover. "I guess it was all a dream"
"Mikey, don't say that. It hurts me uncontrollably when you say things like that. The truth is, I think I still love you to. I don't know what I'm gonna do. I like Tre too, and I cant just completely ignore him because you've professed your love for me." I took a deep breath. "can you let me talk to him? Give me a few days or something?"
He nodded gently. "Sure"
I hugged him and kissed his cheek. "I missed you".
The next week of school was awful for me. Tre and I were inseparable and I knew that it was killing Mike. I had to tell Tre eventually. But then a thought occurred in my mind. What if I didn't tell Tre? What if I told Mike? The way I feel around Mike is incomparable to the way Tre makes me feel. I feel like a school girl when Tre holds me in his arms. Yet, with Mike, I feel like the whole world has stopped. I told Billie my problem, but it didn't help. He only said that I should follow my heart. That wouldn't really be a good idea now, my heart was not helping me. I avoided both guys on Friday, not taking any calls and not stopping when someone shouted my name in the hallways. I couldn't handle it anymore. I was gonna go crazy. I locked myself in my room, only leaving to eat. Both Tre and Mike had tried to get my attention by pelting my windows with tiny pebbles, and I ignored them both.
I imagine Tre finally cracked under the pressure because while I was doing my homework Saturday night, he barged into my room.
"Megan! Why have you been ignoring me?"
"Ever heard of knocking Tre? Damn."
"Answer my question."
"I haven't been ignoring you," I looked down at the floor, "it's just, I've got a problem and I need some time to think about it."
He lifted my chin with his fingers "What's wrong?"
I took a deep breath "Mikeloveesmeandidon'tknowwhatimgonnadoaboutit"
"Mags, in English please?"
"Mike is in love with me," I sighed.
Silence. I looked up at him and he had sat down on my bed, rubbing his eyes.
"What are you gonna do?"
"I don't know!" I shouted, getting frustrated "I love both of you." My eyes began to fill with tears.
I sat on my pillows, my knees curled up to my chest and remained quiet. Tre didn't say anything for a while either.
I started to get up and walk out of my room so I could get a glass of water when Tre laid his hand on my wrist and spun me around. He pulled me onto his lap and cupped my cheek. He stared into my eyes for a few seconds before placing a gentle, yet passionate kiss on my lips. It sent a tingle through my whole body and made my heart quiver. I didn't think that was possible, but it sure as hell felt like it. When I pulled away I saw him smiling.
"I hope that helps"
I kissed his cheek and walked down to my kitchen. He was just making this harder than it had to be. I still couldn't decide who I wanted more. Mike had been the only person in my life for 5 years before he left, and now that he's back, I don't ever want to be apart from him again. The thing with Tre was that, I loved him with my whole heart and it hurt me to know that I wouldn't get to be with him either. My heart ached for the two boys.
My phone rang while I was in the kitchen and I heart Tre answer it before I could get back up to my room.
"Hello, Mags' room. Um, Yeah, just a second"
He held the phone out to me. "Its Mike".
My heart sank to a new low. WHY?! My life was so fucking complicated. I took the phone and took a deep breath.
"Hello?"
"Hey Mags. I noticed that you haven't exactly been paying attention to me lately. Is everything ok?"
I stayed silent for a minute. "Yeah, everything's fine. I've just needed time to think things through. Its not your fault". I looked at Tre, he was busy going through my things on my desk. I hit the back of his head and mouthed 'Don't touch my stuff'. He made a face in return and grabbed me around the waist and pulled me down. I yelped and giggled.
"Mags? Are you ok? What happened?" Mike asked.
"Oh, nothing. Tre's over and he just tackled me again" I replied, trying to remove Tre's arms from around my waist."
"Oh, ok. I said I would meet BJ at the coffee shop, I should get going"
"Mmk Mikey, ill see you at school tomorrow"
"Yeah, Bye"
A click and dead silence. I hung the phone up and turned back to Tre and hit him again.
"Not while I'm on the phone. Thanks"
He made another face and let go of me. "I'm bored, wanna go out?"
"In case you didn't notice the thousands of papers all over my room" I gestured to the papers "I'm a little busy doing homework. Maybe when I'm done ill consider being seen with you in public" I joked.
He stuck his tongue out at me. "You love me"
"No I don't" I smirked.
"Liar"
I was walking by the music room Monday afternoon, talking with Mike and Billie when I hear the most infectious beat ever. I stopped, looked around and opened the music room door. I followed the sound down a hall and pushed open the door without a sound. I saw Tre sitting at the drum kit, pounding the hell out of them with his eyes closed and his tongue sticking out. Billie and Mike leaned against the wall as I sat down on a stool quietly and continued to watch Tre play. His wild movements amazed me. I turned back to look at BJ and Mike and gave them a thumbs up. The looks on the faces were priceless. Billie suddenly stood up straight and walked towards the case where the guitars were kept. He picked one up and started to strum along to Tre's playing. Tre stopped when he heard the guitar and looked around the room. He blushed and almost fell off his seat when he saw the three of us standing there.
"Keep going Franky. You aren't half bad" I joked, smiling at him.
He picked up the drumsticks again and coordinated with Billie'splaying. I looked around the room and noticed a green bass leaning against the chalkboard. I walked over, picked it up and walked over to Mike, handing it to him. He took it reluctantly and sat down next to Billie.
It was silent for a moment before I spoke up.
"You all know how to play 'Knowledge' don't you?"
All three of them nodded and looked at each other.
"Then go". I sat back on my stool and watched them all. A big smile appeared on my face as I watched my guys play together. That's right, they're MY guys.
Knowledge was officially my favorite song as of then.
