A Journal Never Lies, chapter 10
"Alex, where the fuck are you?" Frank said angrily to himself. He was hoping that she could hear him, even though he knew she probably couldn't. He regretted ever touching her journal. It was wrong for him to, but he needed to. He loves her and was afraid something horrible was going on in her life.
After walking around places where he thought she would be, he decided to call it a night and go home. He didn't want to go home, but he was tired and after a few hours of sleep, he would be more energized to search. When he got home, he saw Billie Joe on the couch. He looked like he was singing to himself. All he could hear was "I wanna be alone".
"Hey Bil, whatcha doing?"
Billie Joe looked up from the paper, "Oh not much. I found this paper and it sounds like it would be a fucking great song. Here.. Read it."
Frank took the paper from Billie Joe and read it:
I lock myself inside my room
I wanna be alone
With you around, you'll only add on
Just let me be alone with my thoughts
Please don't think I'm crazy
I don't want you to understand
My mind is growing hazy
To hell with you're helping hand
Why don't you just leave me alone
This conflict is my own
Keep your sources away from me, that's all
Frank looked at Billie Joe, "Where did you find this?"
He instantly thought of his little sister when he read it. It reminded him of the last argument they had before she left.
"I found it in Alex's room. Well, actually, next to Alex's room. Her door to be exact. Good isn't it? I'm thinking that would be a great song. What do you think?"
"Ummm... Yeah. Great song. I think I'm gonna go to bed. So, I guess I'll see you tomorrow morning. Say Billie, can I have that paper?"
Billie Joe looked confused, but shrugged, "Yeah sure man. Here. 'Night. How was your search for Alex?"
"Not good at all. I didn't find her."
"Don't worry man. She'll come home. I'll help you look tomorrow; and everyday until we find her."
Frank walked to his room, staring at the paper. It is her's; she did it. When he got to his room, he sat on his bed. He re-read the paper over and over again. She must have been really pissed at him. He knew it was him she write this about. The more he read the paper, the more he felt guilty. It was his fault he left.
He wanted her with him. If Frank had to give everything he had away, he would, just to see his sister again. She was the only family member that supported him with his music. She would always tell him how great he was; all his parents did was tell him he was wasting his time. Besides being his sister, she was like he best friend at the same time. He could tell her anything, and she wouldn't judge him. She always knew what to say when he would tell her his problems. He needed her right now. He felt like a piece of him was dying without her.
She woke up from her usual sleeping spot. She looked around, everything looked the same. Same street, same kinds of people, same stores across the street, same life she was living. Part of her wished that when she woke up, she would wake up in someone else's shoes. She hated being her. She wanted to scream at herself until she lost her voice. Nowadays, she just hates herself. Everything she thinks about herself, is negative. Nothing positive about herself ever comes out.
When she looks at the people around her, she always thinks she sees Frank, Mike, or Billie Joe. But, it never is. She misses them. She felt empty without the three best people in her life. Without them, she didn't feel like a whole person. She always felt a bit empty. She can't get herself to be happy. When she tries, she feels even more depressed. Nothing could make her happy at this point. If someone told her she had all the money in the world, she wouldn't be happy. If someone told her that her parents died, she still wouldn't be happy. Nothing seemed to make her mood change. She tried to laugh, but it was fake. She knew it. She was actually putting on a fake smile for herself.
She needs someone to lean on. She needs someone to catch her, because she feels like she's falling in an endless pit, with no one to help her. She knows she's never going to get anyone better than Billie Joe, Frank, and Mike in her life, so why is she running away from them?
May 16, 1989
Three days on my own Jerry. I think I've lost weight. I haven't been eating properly since I'm penny-pinching right now.
I want to go home! But, I'm still afraid. What is they're mad at me? They'll act like they're all happy to have me back, but after the joy of having me back, they'll yell at me for leaving.
Oh Jerry, it feels like no one likes me! No one notices a skinny girl, looking homeless, that needs food. They act like I'm scum. I'm not! I just need food! I'm not going to spend it on drugs if that's what they think, I'm going to spend it on food!
Thank God there hasn't been any bad weather. I would be screwed if there was.
No one knows my pain right now, only you Jerry. I hope you're thankful that I'm spilling my guts to you. You should also be thankful you're the only one I trust right now as well.
I've lost faith in having a good life. Nothing has ever gone good in my life. It's always sucked for as long as I can remember.
I wish I had a real mom to go to. I need a mom right now, one that would cradle me in her arms, no matter if I was her size or not, and tell me everything is okay. A mom that would help me with my hair when I thought I was having a 'bad hair day', one that would teach me how they put on makeup when they were my age is the kind of mom I want. I want a dad that would call me his little girl, even if I was 25. I want a dad that would be overprotective when I went out with guys.
Some people hate when their parent fuss over them with that kind of stuff. But, any day I have the opportunity, I would trade parents with them, because those are the kinds of parents I want. I [/b]want[/b] fussy parents. Always have, always will.
After walking around places where he thought she would be, he decided to call it a night and go home. He didn't want to go home, but he was tired and after a few hours of sleep, he would be more energized to search. When he got home, he saw Billie Joe on the couch. He looked like he was singing to himself. All he could hear was "I wanna be alone".
"Hey Bil, whatcha doing?"
Billie Joe looked up from the paper, "Oh not much. I found this paper and it sounds like it would be a fucking great song. Here.. Read it."
Frank took the paper from Billie Joe and read it:
I lock myself inside my room
I wanna be alone
With you around, you'll only add on
Just let me be alone with my thoughts
Please don't think I'm crazy
I don't want you to understand
My mind is growing hazy
To hell with you're helping hand
Why don't you just leave me alone
This conflict is my own
Keep your sources away from me, that's all
Frank looked at Billie Joe, "Where did you find this?"
He instantly thought of his little sister when he read it. It reminded him of the last argument they had before she left.
"I found it in Alex's room. Well, actually, next to Alex's room. Her door to be exact. Good isn't it? I'm thinking that would be a great song. What do you think?"
"Ummm... Yeah. Great song. I think I'm gonna go to bed. So, I guess I'll see you tomorrow morning. Say Billie, can I have that paper?"
Billie Joe looked confused, but shrugged, "Yeah sure man. Here. 'Night. How was your search for Alex?"
"Not good at all. I didn't find her."
"Don't worry man. She'll come home. I'll help you look tomorrow; and everyday until we find her."
Frank walked to his room, staring at the paper. It is her's; she did it. When he got to his room, he sat on his bed. He re-read the paper over and over again. She must have been really pissed at him. He knew it was him she write this about. The more he read the paper, the more he felt guilty. It was his fault he left.
He wanted her with him. If Frank had to give everything he had away, he would, just to see his sister again. She was the only family member that supported him with his music. She would always tell him how great he was; all his parents did was tell him he was wasting his time. Besides being his sister, she was like he best friend at the same time. He could tell her anything, and she wouldn't judge him. She always knew what to say when he would tell her his problems. He needed her right now. He felt like a piece of him was dying without her.
She woke up from her usual sleeping spot. She looked around, everything looked the same. Same street, same kinds of people, same stores across the street, same life she was living. Part of her wished that when she woke up, she would wake up in someone else's shoes. She hated being her. She wanted to scream at herself until she lost her voice. Nowadays, she just hates herself. Everything she thinks about herself, is negative. Nothing positive about herself ever comes out.
When she looks at the people around her, she always thinks she sees Frank, Mike, or Billie Joe. But, it never is. She misses them. She felt empty without the three best people in her life. Without them, she didn't feel like a whole person. She always felt a bit empty. She can't get herself to be happy. When she tries, she feels even more depressed. Nothing could make her happy at this point. If someone told her she had all the money in the world, she wouldn't be happy. If someone told her that her parents died, she still wouldn't be happy. Nothing seemed to make her mood change. She tried to laugh, but it was fake. She knew it. She was actually putting on a fake smile for herself.
She needs someone to lean on. She needs someone to catch her, because she feels like she's falling in an endless pit, with no one to help her. She knows she's never going to get anyone better than Billie Joe, Frank, and Mike in her life, so why is she running away from them?
May 16, 1989
Three days on my own Jerry. I think I've lost weight. I haven't been eating properly since I'm penny-pinching right now.
I want to go home! But, I'm still afraid. What is they're mad at me? They'll act like they're all happy to have me back, but after the joy of having me back, they'll yell at me for leaving.
Oh Jerry, it feels like no one likes me! No one notices a skinny girl, looking homeless, that needs food. They act like I'm scum. I'm not! I just need food! I'm not going to spend it on drugs if that's what they think, I'm going to spend it on food!
Thank God there hasn't been any bad weather. I would be screwed if there was.
No one knows my pain right now, only you Jerry. I hope you're thankful that I'm spilling my guts to you. You should also be thankful you're the only one I trust right now as well.
I've lost faith in having a good life. Nothing has ever gone good in my life. It's always sucked for as long as I can remember.
I wish I had a real mom to go to. I need a mom right now, one that would cradle me in her arms, no matter if I was her size or not, and tell me everything is okay. A mom that would help me with my hair when I thought I was having a 'bad hair day', one that would teach me how they put on makeup when they were my age is the kind of mom I want. I want a dad that would call me his little girl, even if I was 25. I want a dad that would be overprotective when I went out with guys.
Some people hate when their parent fuss over them with that kind of stuff. But, any day I have the opportunity, I would trade parents with them, because those are the kinds of parents I want. I [/b]want[/b] fussy parents. Always have, always will.
