A Journal Never Lies, chapter 7
May 12, 1989
I just met the most amazing person in the world, Jack. He's incredible! He understands me so well. He gets what I've been through, at school and at home. He smokes. He says it helps him. He asked me if I wanted to try, I did. I know I told myself I wouldn't do what my parents do, but I couldn't help it.
Once I tried it, it was like I was in heaven. All my troubles washed away. Everything was like one hugh party. I felt like I was on top of the world. I felt like nothing could go wrong. All my troubles with my parents and at school just went away. I didn't have a care in the world, and I loved it.
I swear to you, journal, and myself, after today, I will never inhale those fumes of smoke. I did it once, and now I won't ever again. I'm done with it, promise. Cross my heart, and hope to die. And if I say I never did, you'll be here to prove me wrong. You, journal, will never lie to me.
She was too tired to write anymore about her wonderful night with Jack. It was the best night she had had in awhile. She hadn't felt that great in years. All this time, she wondered why her parents smoked so much, and now she realized. They wanted away from their problems. But what problems did they have? But she knew the answer to that: Her and Frank. Were they really that bad? She didn't think so. Maybe, they were the only ones who thought that.
She tossed and turned all night. She was afraid her nightmares were going to haunt her again. She hated those nights. The visions of her parents on the sofa, inhaling their lungs with the harmful smoke. But, she wanted that harmful smoke in her lungs. She had no idea why. She knew it wasn't good for her, but her mind told her she wanted one, like her other half. One half of her was steering her in the right direction, the one she wanted. But, on the other hand, there was a new part of her, telling her to get ahold of another joint.
Anything to inhale into her lungs would be perfect for her. She just wanted it. She just needed it. She didn't want this happening, but, then again, she did. Her mind was spinning with so many different feelings, but she liked it. She couldn't help but want more.
She looked at her clock that read three-thirty. It was still too early to get up and do her regular morning routine. Instead, she got up and walked toward the mirror. She looked at herself. She didn't look like herself. She looked....different. Her face looked tired, worn out. Her eyes had dark circles around them. She knew what she was looking at, she reconized it. She looked exactly the way her parents look when they've been out smoking. Memories flooded back into her brain. She tried rubbing her temples to make herself feel better, but nothing was working.
Again, she looked at herself. She saw all the negatives about herself. Her hair was horrible, she looked so fat, her face looked like shit. All of these thoughts were bringing her spirit down even more. While she was staring at the reflection of herself, she hated it. She wished she would never</> see her reflection again. Full of anger, she threw a fist toward the mirror, pieces of glass moving everywhere. While looking down at what she has done, she saw multiple images of herself, the last thing she wanted. She felt what seemed like hundreds of eyes staring at her from each piece of her mirror. She hated the stares. She wished they would stop. But every time she looked down, there they were.
Eyes spiraling around in her mind, never stopping to blink it seemed. In her head, she begged them to stop staring at her, but her pleas weren't good enough. What was wrong with this room? She felt like a prisoner with the door wide open to leave, but too afraid to actually go. The room felt like it was caving in on her. She screamed for help, but no sound would come out. She felt her throat becoming sore from screaming, but she couldn't hear her screams. She tried to run for help, but her feet weren't listening to her head's command. In the distance, she hear a voice, someone calling out to her. Someone was calling her name, calling her to where they were. She ran, ran as fast as she could. She tried to break the wall between her feet and brain to get the command out. Nothing was working.
"Alex? Alex?"
Louder the voices became. Couldn't they understand she couldn't get to where they were? Why didn't they come to see what was taking so long? She used all the strength left to force herself to move. The more she tried, the harder it seemed to actually move. She felt a hand on her shoulder. She turned her head around and saw her parents.
She jumped up, drenched in sweat. Her breathing was heavy. She looked to her side, her mirror wasn't broken. Hundreds of eyes weren't staring at her. She looked at her clock, it was eleven twenty-four. Is was a dream? she thought to herself. She ran her fingers through her brown hair. She decided it had to be a dream, mirrors can't just place themselves back together. There was a knock at her door, it was Frank.
"Hey, can I come in?"
"Yeah," she said shaking her head.
He walked over and sat on her bed, "You okay? 'Cause I heard a noise in your room and I saw you tossing alot in you bed. Have a bad dream or something?"
A bad dream was [b]nothing compared to what had happened. Words couldn't describe what was going on through her head. She saw the concerned look on her older brother's face, she didn't want to tell him the truth and worry him. "Ummm, yeah. It was just a bad dream. Nothing too bad."
He smiled, "Okay. Good. Well, you gonna get up, or are you going to stay in bed all day?"
"Staying in bed doesn't sound too bad," she said with a smirk on her face. Really all she wanted to do was see Jack. "Ya know Frank, I think I'm going to go out for a walk. Look around the nieghborhood."
He shrugged, "Okay, I guess."
After she cleaned herself up from her 'bad dream', she headed out the door. She smelled the spring air. The sky was as blue as it could get, and the only thing she could hear, were her thoughts. She stepped out of the door and started her walk down the street, near where she met Jack the previous night.
She looked everywhere, hoping to see him, but no luck. She headed to Gilman, the one place everyone went. She loved it there. She felt like an individual, but it felt like a good thing. She felt that being yourself there was okay. No one judged you. They were just there to smoke, drink, and listen to local bands. Sweet Children, well not Green Day, alway play at Gilman. She always remembers tagging along with Frank, just to watch him play. They were the best nights of her life, the nights where she was away from her parents. She smiled when she saw the familiar building.
She walked inside to see a farely empty room. It looked like it just opened. She walked over to Rudy, the bartender. Her and Rudy have known each other for several years. When Green Day would play shows, she would sit up on a stool and talk to Rudy while watching and enjoying the music.
"Hey Rudy. What's up?"
The man, looking in his mid-fourties, looked up and smiled at her, "Her Alex! Not much here. Very boring right now. What brings you around at this time? I usually don't see you 'till at least seven."
"Yeah. Well, I'm actually looking for someone. Remember that guy I was with last night?"
Rudy had a serious look on his face, "Jack? Alex, I really don't get a good vibe from this guy. Watch out for him."
"Okay, whatever. Have you seen him?" she hated when people looked out for her all the time. She was old enough to look after herself.
"I saw him around ten in here. Said he was gonna go set some guy straight."
"Huh? You mean he's gonna go start a fight? Do you know who?"
"Yup. He's starting a fight with some guy 'cause last night they got in this full on arguement over something dumb anyway. But, he won't let it go. Umm, I'm not sure who. Wouldn't you remember? You were there last night."
She tried to remember what happened last night, but she couldn't. She couldn't remember anything except when she first met Jack. She became confused. What did happen last night? Before even saying goodbye to Rudy, she was out the door. Somewhere, her guy was out there, fighting a guy. She had to go stop it, or it may get bad.
She felt strange. She just met this guy, and she wants to go help him stop fighting. She stopped and held her head.
What is wrong with me?? she thought.
I just met the most amazing person in the world, Jack. He's incredible! He understands me so well. He gets what I've been through, at school and at home. He smokes. He says it helps him. He asked me if I wanted to try, I did. I know I told myself I wouldn't do what my parents do, but I couldn't help it.
Once I tried it, it was like I was in heaven. All my troubles washed away. Everything was like one hugh party. I felt like I was on top of the world. I felt like nothing could go wrong. All my troubles with my parents and at school just went away. I didn't have a care in the world, and I loved it.
I swear to you, journal, and myself, after today, I will never inhale those fumes of smoke. I did it once, and now I won't ever again. I'm done with it, promise. Cross my heart, and hope to die. And if I say I never did, you'll be here to prove me wrong. You, journal, will never lie to me.
She was too tired to write anymore about her wonderful night with Jack. It was the best night she had had in awhile. She hadn't felt that great in years. All this time, she wondered why her parents smoked so much, and now she realized. They wanted away from their problems. But what problems did they have? But she knew the answer to that: Her and Frank. Were they really that bad? She didn't think so. Maybe, they were the only ones who thought that.
She tossed and turned all night. She was afraid her nightmares were going to haunt her again. She hated those nights. The visions of her parents on the sofa, inhaling their lungs with the harmful smoke. But, she wanted that harmful smoke in her lungs. She had no idea why. She knew it wasn't good for her, but her mind told her she wanted one, like her other half. One half of her was steering her in the right direction, the one she wanted. But, on the other hand, there was a new part of her, telling her to get ahold of another joint.
Anything to inhale into her lungs would be perfect for her. She just wanted it. She just needed it. She didn't want this happening, but, then again, she did. Her mind was spinning with so many different feelings, but she liked it. She couldn't help but want more.
She looked at her clock that read three-thirty. It was still too early to get up and do her regular morning routine. Instead, she got up and walked toward the mirror. She looked at herself. She didn't look like herself. She looked....different. Her face looked tired, worn out. Her eyes had dark circles around them. She knew what she was looking at, she reconized it. She looked exactly the way her parents look when they've been out smoking. Memories flooded back into her brain. She tried rubbing her temples to make herself feel better, but nothing was working.
Again, she looked at herself. She saw all the negatives about herself. Her hair was horrible, she looked so fat, her face looked like shit. All of these thoughts were bringing her spirit down even more. While she was staring at the reflection of herself, she hated it. She wished she would never</> see her reflection again. Full of anger, she threw a fist toward the mirror, pieces of glass moving everywhere. While looking down at what she has done, she saw multiple images of herself, the last thing she wanted. She felt what seemed like hundreds of eyes staring at her from each piece of her mirror. She hated the stares. She wished they would stop. But every time she looked down, there they were.
Eyes spiraling around in her mind, never stopping to blink it seemed. In her head, she begged them to stop staring at her, but her pleas weren't good enough. What was wrong with this room? She felt like a prisoner with the door wide open to leave, but too afraid to actually go. The room felt like it was caving in on her. She screamed for help, but no sound would come out. She felt her throat becoming sore from screaming, but she couldn't hear her screams. She tried to run for help, but her feet weren't listening to her head's command. In the distance, she hear a voice, someone calling out to her. Someone was calling her name, calling her to where they were. She ran, ran as fast as she could. She tried to break the wall between her feet and brain to get the command out. Nothing was working.
"Alex? Alex?"
Louder the voices became. Couldn't they understand she couldn't get to where they were? Why didn't they come to see what was taking so long? She used all the strength left to force herself to move. The more she tried, the harder it seemed to actually move. She felt a hand on her shoulder. She turned her head around and saw her parents.
She jumped up, drenched in sweat. Her breathing was heavy. She looked to her side, her mirror wasn't broken. Hundreds of eyes weren't staring at her. She looked at her clock, it was eleven twenty-four. Is was a dream? she thought to herself. She ran her fingers through her brown hair. She decided it had to be a dream, mirrors can't just place themselves back together. There was a knock at her door, it was Frank.
"Hey, can I come in?"
"Yeah," she said shaking her head.
He walked over and sat on her bed, "You okay? 'Cause I heard a noise in your room and I saw you tossing alot in you bed. Have a bad dream or something?"
A bad dream was [b]nothing compared to what had happened. Words couldn't describe what was going on through her head. She saw the concerned look on her older brother's face, she didn't want to tell him the truth and worry him. "Ummm, yeah. It was just a bad dream. Nothing too bad."
He smiled, "Okay. Good. Well, you gonna get up, or are you going to stay in bed all day?"
"Staying in bed doesn't sound too bad," she said with a smirk on her face. Really all she wanted to do was see Jack. "Ya know Frank, I think I'm going to go out for a walk. Look around the nieghborhood."
He shrugged, "Okay, I guess."
After she cleaned herself up from her 'bad dream', she headed out the door. She smelled the spring air. The sky was as blue as it could get, and the only thing she could hear, were her thoughts. She stepped out of the door and started her walk down the street, near where she met Jack the previous night.
She looked everywhere, hoping to see him, but no luck. She headed to Gilman, the one place everyone went. She loved it there. She felt like an individual, but it felt like a good thing. She felt that being yourself there was okay. No one judged you. They were just there to smoke, drink, and listen to local bands. Sweet Children, well not Green Day, alway play at Gilman. She always remembers tagging along with Frank, just to watch him play. They were the best nights of her life, the nights where she was away from her parents. She smiled when she saw the familiar building.
She walked inside to see a farely empty room. It looked like it just opened. She walked over to Rudy, the bartender. Her and Rudy have known each other for several years. When Green Day would play shows, she would sit up on a stool and talk to Rudy while watching and enjoying the music.
"Hey Rudy. What's up?"
The man, looking in his mid-fourties, looked up and smiled at her, "Her Alex! Not much here. Very boring right now. What brings you around at this time? I usually don't see you 'till at least seven."
"Yeah. Well, I'm actually looking for someone. Remember that guy I was with last night?"
Rudy had a serious look on his face, "Jack? Alex, I really don't get a good vibe from this guy. Watch out for him."
"Okay, whatever. Have you seen him?" she hated when people looked out for her all the time. She was old enough to look after herself.
"I saw him around ten in here. Said he was gonna go set some guy straight."
"Huh? You mean he's gonna go start a fight? Do you know who?"
"Yup. He's starting a fight with some guy 'cause last night they got in this full on arguement over something dumb anyway. But, he won't let it go. Umm, I'm not sure who. Wouldn't you remember? You were there last night."
She tried to remember what happened last night, but she couldn't. She couldn't remember anything except when she first met Jack. She became confused. What did happen last night? Before even saying goodbye to Rudy, she was out the door. Somewhere, her guy was out there, fighting a guy. She had to go stop it, or it may get bad.
She felt strange. She just met this guy, and she wants to go help him stop fighting. She stopped and held her head.
What is wrong with me?? she thought.
