Life In Paradise, chapter 17
Weeks have been passing, and eventually weeks turned into months. I’ve been back and forth on the tour, but now the tour was coming to an end as it returns to California to finish with the last four shows. I’ve been unpacking for what seemed like ages and we are officially moved in. I sit here and wait for the the tour to be over already. I’m missing Billie Joe dearly and cant wait to see his face again. His green eyes, newly bleached hair, thin lips, and lightly tanned face. I was going psycho insane, just waiting for him here. I had anxiety attacks every so often. I would cry myself to sleep every night. I was seeing things on the walls, dream of happy scenes and people dying at the same time. Sometimes I would go into the backyard, pick a flower and imagine it turning black as I held it in my hands. But no flower ever turned black. I was hallucinating everything. At night, I could feel hands moving up my body. But there were never any hands. When I would wake up after a long night of terrible images in my dreams, I would splash water on my face, go back to bed, not to sleep, but to record what was happening to me, or at least what I could remember, in a diary. I would never share any of this with Billie Joe or anyone. I didn’t want them to worry about me or hover over me.
So basically, like I had said, I was going crazy. The only way that I could stable myself was to look at pictures of family, Billie, friends, etc.
One day, I had Hazel and the girls over for brunch (tacky and cliche for a breakfast and lunch, but what the hell?) By this time, the band had broken up and we had moved on with our lives. But anyways...they all came together today. I had not seen them in a little while and thought that we needed a proper reunion. As it turns out, Hazel was on the verge of being in love (which was something totally new for her), Tiffany was moving in with her boss (which I hated him, but obvisiously they had some sort of secret love thingee), and Daniella was just getting settled into her new place. Hazel was working with a recording album (not for recording an album or anything, but helping out the new artists), Tiff was doing some work over in Alaska for her new job, and going to be out next week, and Daniella was working for some the same company, but simply got promoted. They were all doing splendidly with their lives, and I was still stuck in a rut approaching my mid-twenties and going completely bonkers in this huge house with absolutely no one to talk to, except for those precious conversations with Billie Joe on the phone. Jeez!
In other words, I was watching everyone else around me move on while I was still sitting, waiting, and wishing for my life to take some value. I felt as if the world left me out or forgot that I was still a human being, not some insect that was easily smited with the powers of the hot sun. Ugh.
I needed to get out and have fun with my life, but I didn’t know where to start, or what to start with. When Billie comes back, I imagine things getting better for me, or worse, maybe.
But when everyone left, around 8:30pm, I was left alone, again. I tried calling Billie about an hour later, but he must of been in the middle of a show or getting ready for it. I tried to sleep, but it was no use. But at least my demented side of seeing things didn’t come out that night, because it was surely a blessing to what happened next...
Well, I was laying on my bed, looking up at the ceiling, when a sharp pain went bursting down to my uterus. This was like no pain that I felt before with my kidney disease and all. No, it wasn’t AS painful, and in a different launch target (military for different place.) I crawled, yep, crawled all the way to my car, got in, and drove down to the doctors.
To sum up everything that happened there, they treated me right away, but it turns out that Billie’s little visit from the time that he was in Vegas (long story) had a really interesting night. Well...I’m pregnant. Several weeks pregnant. About a month. But there was a downfall, as everything in life has one: my kidney disease was getting very severe and it would effect the birth somehow. Not the baby, but possibly effecting me. When I got home, I rushed to the phone and called Billie’s cell. Still no answer. I tried one more time, but he still didn’t pick up.
I had no choice but to try again in the morning.
That night, I didn’t sleep one bit. I couldn’t even close my eyes. I was worrying about what Billie Joe might say! Would he still love me?
That morning, around 5am, I had gotten maybe 20 minutes of sleep that night, I went downstairs and Billie Joe was sitting at the kitchen table. I ran up to him and hugged him tightly. As tight as possible to hug someone without breaking bones.
I told him all that had been going on with me while he was away. He sat there and listened carefully and nodded his head from time to time. Then, when I told him that I was pregnant, he gave me a long stare to make sure that I wasn’t lying, then finally replied.
“When did you find this out?� he asked.
I told him about my trip to doctors last night. He took my hand and stood up. He pulled me up too, and gave me a kiss on my lips lightly.
“I’m so happy.� was all he said, and then I started to cry. He held me close and we stood there for what felt like forever. He had started tearing up too. As we let go, he wiped his eyes, and we went up stairs. I got dressed and we went over to Mike’s house to share the good news.
Now there was one problem: I hadn’t told Billie that the baby might be fatal to me! I didn’t want to I guess. I didn’t know how he’d react to it. I thought it best just to keep my mouth shut until the time was right. I just didn’t want to worry him so much.
When we got to Mike’s house (Daniella and him had broken up by this point), it was already light outside. We pulled up in the driveway, Billie got out, opened the door for me, and we walked to Mike’s front door, his hand around my waistline. Mike opened the door and lead us out into the patio. We sat down, Billie told him the news, and he didn’t say much at first, but then he got real excited. Then we called for Tre to come over and the same happened with him.
Adrienne came over and we told her. She was quite ecstatic at first, but then she calmed down and asked about what exactly the doctor said. Of course, I didn’t tell her about my fatal baby, but I wanted to. I felt like I could really talk to her. She gave me advice on more than one occasion.
Later on that night, Billie announced to me that he wouldn’t have to travel around on a bus for the last part of the tour, so he would be staying.
We went home, went to sleep (yes, the first night in weeks that I’ve slept!) No hands moving up my body, no black flowers, no imagination taking over! It was the most peaceful night that I could remember in my whole life! Hopefully, not the last of my life!
So basically, like I had said, I was going crazy. The only way that I could stable myself was to look at pictures of family, Billie, friends, etc.
One day, I had Hazel and the girls over for brunch (tacky and cliche for a breakfast and lunch, but what the hell?) By this time, the band had broken up and we had moved on with our lives. But anyways...they all came together today. I had not seen them in a little while and thought that we needed a proper reunion. As it turns out, Hazel was on the verge of being in love (which was something totally new for her), Tiffany was moving in with her boss (which I hated him, but obvisiously they had some sort of secret love thingee), and Daniella was just getting settled into her new place. Hazel was working with a recording album (not for recording an album or anything, but helping out the new artists), Tiff was doing some work over in Alaska for her new job, and going to be out next week, and Daniella was working for some the same company, but simply got promoted. They were all doing splendidly with their lives, and I was still stuck in a rut approaching my mid-twenties and going completely bonkers in this huge house with absolutely no one to talk to, except for those precious conversations with Billie Joe on the phone. Jeez!
In other words, I was watching everyone else around me move on while I was still sitting, waiting, and wishing for my life to take some value. I felt as if the world left me out or forgot that I was still a human being, not some insect that was easily smited with the powers of the hot sun. Ugh.
I needed to get out and have fun with my life, but I didn’t know where to start, or what to start with. When Billie comes back, I imagine things getting better for me, or worse, maybe.
But when everyone left, around 8:30pm, I was left alone, again. I tried calling Billie about an hour later, but he must of been in the middle of a show or getting ready for it. I tried to sleep, but it was no use. But at least my demented side of seeing things didn’t come out that night, because it was surely a blessing to what happened next...
Well, I was laying on my bed, looking up at the ceiling, when a sharp pain went bursting down to my uterus. This was like no pain that I felt before with my kidney disease and all. No, it wasn’t AS painful, and in a different launch target (military for different place.) I crawled, yep, crawled all the way to my car, got in, and drove down to the doctors.
To sum up everything that happened there, they treated me right away, but it turns out that Billie’s little visit from the time that he was in Vegas (long story) had a really interesting night. Well...I’m pregnant. Several weeks pregnant. About a month. But there was a downfall, as everything in life has one: my kidney disease was getting very severe and it would effect the birth somehow. Not the baby, but possibly effecting me. When I got home, I rushed to the phone and called Billie’s cell. Still no answer. I tried one more time, but he still didn’t pick up.
I had no choice but to try again in the morning.
That night, I didn’t sleep one bit. I couldn’t even close my eyes. I was worrying about what Billie Joe might say! Would he still love me?
That morning, around 5am, I had gotten maybe 20 minutes of sleep that night, I went downstairs and Billie Joe was sitting at the kitchen table. I ran up to him and hugged him tightly. As tight as possible to hug someone without breaking bones.
I told him all that had been going on with me while he was away. He sat there and listened carefully and nodded his head from time to time. Then, when I told him that I was pregnant, he gave me a long stare to make sure that I wasn’t lying, then finally replied.
“When did you find this out?� he asked.
I told him about my trip to doctors last night. He took my hand and stood up. He pulled me up too, and gave me a kiss on my lips lightly.
“I’m so happy.� was all he said, and then I started to cry. He held me close and we stood there for what felt like forever. He had started tearing up too. As we let go, he wiped his eyes, and we went up stairs. I got dressed and we went over to Mike’s house to share the good news.
Now there was one problem: I hadn’t told Billie that the baby might be fatal to me! I didn’t want to I guess. I didn’t know how he’d react to it. I thought it best just to keep my mouth shut until the time was right. I just didn’t want to worry him so much.
When we got to Mike’s house (Daniella and him had broken up by this point), it was already light outside. We pulled up in the driveway, Billie got out, opened the door for me, and we walked to Mike’s front door, his hand around my waistline. Mike opened the door and lead us out into the patio. We sat down, Billie told him the news, and he didn’t say much at first, but then he got real excited. Then we called for Tre to come over and the same happened with him.
Adrienne came over and we told her. She was quite ecstatic at first, but then she calmed down and asked about what exactly the doctor said. Of course, I didn’t tell her about my fatal baby, but I wanted to. I felt like I could really talk to her. She gave me advice on more than one occasion.
Later on that night, Billie announced to me that he wouldn’t have to travel around on a bus for the last part of the tour, so he would be staying.
We went home, went to sleep (yes, the first night in weeks that I’ve slept!) No hands moving up my body, no black flowers, no imagination taking over! It was the most peaceful night that I could remember in my whole life! Hopefully, not the last of my life!
