Memories Of Her, chapter 5
Saturday morning had come and gone, it was now late afternoon and I was sitting in my basement with a cold beer in my hand and a cigarette between my lips. Mike and Tre had invited themselves over; they told me I shouldn't be alone so much. Mike had come with his girlfriend, Brittany, and his daughter Stella, Tre had brought over his son, Frankito. Brittany was upstairs with the kids keeping them occupied so we could talk alone in the basement.
"How are you, Bill?" Tre asked. I shrugged, what could I say? I certainly didn't feel wonderful, I felt incomplete, lonely and heartbroken. Tre looked down at his beer in his hands.
"I just don't know what to say Billie, I know you miss her. Fuck, I miss her too man," he said in a shaky voice, I could see tears dropping from his eyes onto the carpeted floor below. Mike put his hand on Tre's shoulder and looked at me with sadness in his eyes.
"Bill, we are here for you, you know that, right?" he asked. I nodded slightly.
"Billie, you're not alone, we all miss her, and we all loved her. She was a great person, a caring and generous woman, and she wouldn't want you to grieve like this," Mike said trying to comfort me, little did he know, he was enraging me.
"You didn't know her Mike! You didn't even like her! You don't know what she would have wanted, you don't know!" I screamed at him with tears running down my face. Mike looked taken aback, he seemed offended and hurt, his eyes still gleamed with sympathy.
"Billie, how can you say that? Of course I cared and loved Adie, she was like a sister to me, she was one of my best friends. If it weren't for her, I would have never met Brittany. Billie Joe, Tre and I, we cared for her deeply. She did many things for us, she help us too. How could she not be one of our best friends?" Mike said. I took a deep breath and relaxed a little. I leaned back on my chair and closed my eyes. I knew they had cared for her, but not like I had.
"I didn't mean it," I said softly. I could hear Tre sniffling and Mike sigh.
"We know Billie. We are going to get you through this," I heard Mike's voice say. I could hear Tre sobbing quietly, I could hear the kids upstairs giggling, I could hear every second ticking away. Nobody could get me through this, nobody but Adie.
*
I had just walked through the door of my house; I was tired from a long day at the studio. It was about 6pm, I had missed dinner. I walked into the living room to see my oldest son sitting on the piano bench; he was simply staring at the keys.
"Hey, what's up kid?" I said to him while I made my way over to the piano. He looked up at me and shrugged. I walked around the piano and sat next to him on the bench. "What's on your mind?" I asked him. Joey was a pretty quiet kid, pretty shy. He was always keeping his troubles to himself; I suppose he didn't want to burden anybody. But Christ, the kid was only ten years old.
"Just thinking," he said, his voice sounded as though his mind was a million miles away. I smiled to myself; he was too much like me.
"About?" I questioned. He shrugged again. I gave up, he wasn't going to tell me a goddamn thing, and I think I knew that from the start. I stood from the piano bench and sighed.
"Where's mom at?" I asked. He looked up at me confused as if he had forgotten who his own mother was.
"Kitchen," he said. His response sounded more like a question than an answer, but I took it. I left him to be his thoughtful self and walked to the kitchen. I peeked through the doorway to see my wife and my youngest son sitting at the table giggling. I entered and they immediately tried to suppress their laughter.
"What?" I asked as a smile grew on my face. My wife tried to act serious, but she wasn't very good. Jake tried to hide his face in his hands. I walked over to the table with confusion. I looked down on the surface of the table to see a teen beat magazine, on the cover was a picture of me. The caption by my picture read, "Billie Joe's Deepest Secrets." Wonderful I thought to myself. How the hell do they come up with this stuff?
My face must have looked pretty shocked and full of horror because Adie had now gone hysterical. Jakob too. They laughed and laughed until I just couldn't take it any longer.
"I going to bed," I said a little irritated. I hated magazines like this one. I walked away at a quick pace and up the stairs to the bedroom I shared with Adrienne.
About a half hour later I heard Adrienne coming up the stairs and two other pairs of feet walking beside her. I heard her put Jake to bed and I heard her say goodnight to Joe. Then I could hear footsteps coming towards the bedroom, the door opened and there she stood.
"Hey," she said softly as if she was talking to an injured child or lost little puppy. I tried to ignore her, but I knew my act wouldn't last long. She stripped her clothes and put on some sleep shorts and a big tie-dye t-shirt. I couldn't help but watch her; I couldn't turn away from her beauty. She made her way to our bed and crawled in next to me.
"I'm sorry Billie, I didn't think you'd get so upset," she apologized. She truly looked and sounded sorry. I just sighed and turned off the light on the bedside table. I lay down and turned my back to her. Adie remained sitting up, until I felt the bed move a little as she got up. I heard our bedroom door open and she went out. I lay in bed for about an hour before I started to get worried. I got out of bed and made my way downstairs to check on her.
I found her in the kitchen; she was sitting at the island with a steaming cup of liquid in front of her. She was looking down at her hot drink and stirring it with a spoon, her face looked tired, her eyes were red. I went over and sat opposite of her, she looked up and me.
"I'm sorry Bill," she began, but I held up my hand to silence her.
"I overreacted. It was just a stupid magazine," I said. She shook her head.
"No, I was wrong to buy it to make fun of you. I burned it," she said. I couldn't help but smile.
"You burned it?" I asked trying my hardest not to burst with laughter. She nodded and smiled weakly.
"Uh huh, every last page," she said.
"Did you read the part about me first?" I asked curiously. Her smile grew.
"I'm pretty sure I already know your deepest secrets, and more Billie Joe Armstrong. I think there was probably a lot of stuff they left out, like how you like to bite you toenails," she said jokingly. I made a shocked expression, "You would never tell anyone that secret would you?" I played along with her. She giggled.
"Oops, too late. I already told Seventeen," she toyed.
"Uh oh, all those poor girls who love me will never have fantasies about me anymore," I pretended to pout.
"Good, cause I want you all to myself," Adie said. I looked into her loving eyes, I couldn't look away.
"I wouldn't want to be with anyone else," I whispered to her. She smiled. I gently took her hand in mine and lead her away from her drink, out of the kitchen and up the stairs to our bedroom. I held her close the whole night; nothing was to ever come between us I thought.
*
But something did come between us, and now the love of my life was gone forever.
"How are you, Bill?" Tre asked. I shrugged, what could I say? I certainly didn't feel wonderful, I felt incomplete, lonely and heartbroken. Tre looked down at his beer in his hands.
"I just don't know what to say Billie, I know you miss her. Fuck, I miss her too man," he said in a shaky voice, I could see tears dropping from his eyes onto the carpeted floor below. Mike put his hand on Tre's shoulder and looked at me with sadness in his eyes.
"Bill, we are here for you, you know that, right?" he asked. I nodded slightly.
"Billie, you're not alone, we all miss her, and we all loved her. She was a great person, a caring and generous woman, and she wouldn't want you to grieve like this," Mike said trying to comfort me, little did he know, he was enraging me.
"You didn't know her Mike! You didn't even like her! You don't know what she would have wanted, you don't know!" I screamed at him with tears running down my face. Mike looked taken aback, he seemed offended and hurt, his eyes still gleamed with sympathy.
"Billie, how can you say that? Of course I cared and loved Adie, she was like a sister to me, she was one of my best friends. If it weren't for her, I would have never met Brittany. Billie Joe, Tre and I, we cared for her deeply. She did many things for us, she help us too. How could she not be one of our best friends?" Mike said. I took a deep breath and relaxed a little. I leaned back on my chair and closed my eyes. I knew they had cared for her, but not like I had.
"I didn't mean it," I said softly. I could hear Tre sniffling and Mike sigh.
"We know Billie. We are going to get you through this," I heard Mike's voice say. I could hear Tre sobbing quietly, I could hear the kids upstairs giggling, I could hear every second ticking away. Nobody could get me through this, nobody but Adie.
*
I had just walked through the door of my house; I was tired from a long day at the studio. It was about 6pm, I had missed dinner. I walked into the living room to see my oldest son sitting on the piano bench; he was simply staring at the keys.
"Hey, what's up kid?" I said to him while I made my way over to the piano. He looked up at me and shrugged. I walked around the piano and sat next to him on the bench. "What's on your mind?" I asked him. Joey was a pretty quiet kid, pretty shy. He was always keeping his troubles to himself; I suppose he didn't want to burden anybody. But Christ, the kid was only ten years old.
"Just thinking," he said, his voice sounded as though his mind was a million miles away. I smiled to myself; he was too much like me.
"About?" I questioned. He shrugged again. I gave up, he wasn't going to tell me a goddamn thing, and I think I knew that from the start. I stood from the piano bench and sighed.
"Where's mom at?" I asked. He looked up at me confused as if he had forgotten who his own mother was.
"Kitchen," he said. His response sounded more like a question than an answer, but I took it. I left him to be his thoughtful self and walked to the kitchen. I peeked through the doorway to see my wife and my youngest son sitting at the table giggling. I entered and they immediately tried to suppress their laughter.
"What?" I asked as a smile grew on my face. My wife tried to act serious, but she wasn't very good. Jake tried to hide his face in his hands. I walked over to the table with confusion. I looked down on the surface of the table to see a teen beat magazine, on the cover was a picture of me. The caption by my picture read, "Billie Joe's Deepest Secrets." Wonderful I thought to myself. How the hell do they come up with this stuff?
My face must have looked pretty shocked and full of horror because Adie had now gone hysterical. Jakob too. They laughed and laughed until I just couldn't take it any longer.
"I going to bed," I said a little irritated. I hated magazines like this one. I walked away at a quick pace and up the stairs to the bedroom I shared with Adrienne.
About a half hour later I heard Adrienne coming up the stairs and two other pairs of feet walking beside her. I heard her put Jake to bed and I heard her say goodnight to Joe. Then I could hear footsteps coming towards the bedroom, the door opened and there she stood.
"Hey," she said softly as if she was talking to an injured child or lost little puppy. I tried to ignore her, but I knew my act wouldn't last long. She stripped her clothes and put on some sleep shorts and a big tie-dye t-shirt. I couldn't help but watch her; I couldn't turn away from her beauty. She made her way to our bed and crawled in next to me.
"I'm sorry Billie, I didn't think you'd get so upset," she apologized. She truly looked and sounded sorry. I just sighed and turned off the light on the bedside table. I lay down and turned my back to her. Adie remained sitting up, until I felt the bed move a little as she got up. I heard our bedroom door open and she went out. I lay in bed for about an hour before I started to get worried. I got out of bed and made my way downstairs to check on her.
I found her in the kitchen; she was sitting at the island with a steaming cup of liquid in front of her. She was looking down at her hot drink and stirring it with a spoon, her face looked tired, her eyes were red. I went over and sat opposite of her, she looked up and me.
"I'm sorry Bill," she began, but I held up my hand to silence her.
"I overreacted. It was just a stupid magazine," I said. She shook her head.
"No, I was wrong to buy it to make fun of you. I burned it," she said. I couldn't help but smile.
"You burned it?" I asked trying my hardest not to burst with laughter. She nodded and smiled weakly.
"Uh huh, every last page," she said.
"Did you read the part about me first?" I asked curiously. Her smile grew.
"I'm pretty sure I already know your deepest secrets, and more Billie Joe Armstrong. I think there was probably a lot of stuff they left out, like how you like to bite you toenails," she said jokingly. I made a shocked expression, "You would never tell anyone that secret would you?" I played along with her. She giggled.
"Oops, too late. I already told Seventeen," she toyed.
"Uh oh, all those poor girls who love me will never have fantasies about me anymore," I pretended to pout.
"Good, cause I want you all to myself," Adie said. I looked into her loving eyes, I couldn't look away.
"I wouldn't want to be with anyone else," I whispered to her. She smiled. I gently took her hand in mine and lead her away from her drink, out of the kitchen and up the stairs to our bedroom. I held her close the whole night; nothing was to ever come between us I thought.
*
But something did come between us, and now the love of my life was gone forever.
