Lots of Love, Mike x, chapter 26
One week later
"Sit down Stella, you look awful," said her mother.
"I feel it," said Stella slumping down onto the sofa. "Actually I'm going to change out of this outfit, I fucking hate it and I'm never going to wear it again," she said.
Stella's mother didn't even tell her daughter off for swearing, she just went off to the kitchen to make them both a cup of tea. As she made the tea, she thought about the awful day they'd both just had, Jessie's funeral. It had been horrific.
The coffin was white and the flowers were white, white for an innocent taken away too early from the wonderful life she had ahead of her.
Stella took off the black skirt and black jacket and flung them on the floor. Fucking clothes, funeral clothes, death clothes. Oh Jess. Why didn't you fucking look when you crossed that road? You're not a five year old. What were you thinking? I know, you were thinking of getting to Billie. Hurrying to get to Billie and you've killed yourself, now you'll never reach him, you'll be that angel in the sky watching down over us.
Stella couldn't cry any more, she had cried so much over the past week. Now she was angry, angry with Jessie for being so stupid and not looking properly and angry at Billie for not coming over to the funeral. No. Stupid to think that. How could Billie come? They'd sent flowers though. They had her name done in white roses. Well not her full name, just JESS. That's what Billie called her. Jess. His Jess. Well no longer. She was now nobody's Jess. They were beautiful flowers and there was a gorgeous note with them too. Stella could remember it by heart, as she'd read it over about six times.
"Jess. You will always be my angel. Take care up their little angel, one day we'll be together and one day you'll hear your song. I love you so much." Billie.
There was an extra note from Mike and Tre
"Dear Jess. We'll never forget your smiling face. Lots of Love, Mike and Tre and all the guys from California"
Fucking hell, this is so unfair, thought Stella. She thought of Mike then. She hadn't heard from either him or Billie at all this week. They knew when the funeral was as her mother had been in constant contact with Billie's mother. That poor lady having to tell her son what had happened. How had Billie taken it? How was Billie? She felt this sudden urge to call Mike. She checked her watch. 3pm, still too early over there. They probably hadn't woken up yet? Had they been to sleep? Billie probably hadn't slept since it happened. She will call Mike later; yeah she'll call at 7pm.
She heard her mother call then. "Are you OK sweetheart? I have some tea here for you and you really should open the box that Jessie's mother gave you, you know."
"Coming mum!" Shouted back Stella.
Yeah she really should open the shoebox. Jessie's mum had given it to her when they left the funeral. It was a white shoebox tied with a white ribbon. There were a few stickers on the outside and in bright pink pen I love Billie Joe Forever with loads of hearts around it. She'd given it to me and said it was a few things of Jessie's that she thought I should have. I wanted to open it and then I didn't but knew I had to.
We sat at the kitchen table with our tea and the white shoebox sat between us on the table.
"Would you like me to leave you alone with the box?" said mum.
"No, mum please stay," Stella said to her mum. She loved her mum so much, what would she have done without her these past few days. How could she even have thought about going to California and leaving her? It would be impossible.
Stella tugged at a piece of the ribbon and the bow undid straight away, then she lifted the lid. Inside were all sorts of smaller items wrapped up in white tissue paper. The first item she picked out was a small white photograph album. Inside were pictures going back to when they were children, loads of them from when they were five, there were some of Stella with her short black punk hair and Jess and her at parties and in school uniform together. Stella reminisced for a while and then put the album to one side.
There was a small pack of photographs underneath this. Stella opened them. They were of their trip to California. Stella looked through them looking at the photographs of the four of them, some had Tre laughing and joking in the background. There were some of the guys playing at the Gilman. There were loads of Jessie and Billie looking truly in love. As Stella put the photos away with a sad heart she realised that in all the photographs of Jess and Billie in not one of them were they looking at the camera. They were looking at each other.
There were a few keepsakes of outings and places that the girls had been together, items that would have meant nothing to anyone else but loads to Jess and Stella. At the bottom and the last object was a small red bag. Stella read the name on the bag. It said Goldmann's Jewellers. Shit. This must have been what Jess was buying on the day she was killed. A chill ran up Stella's spine. Jess was holding this bag when she died. She gently and silently opened it and her mother grabbed her hand for reassurance.
Inside was a box and inside the box were two silver necklaces. One had the initial 'B' hanging from it and the other the initial 'J'. 'B' for Billie and 'J' for Jessie, obviously. Oh Jess was this what it was all about? You went and got yourself killed over these. Stella carefully put the necklaces away in the box and bag and saw the receipt with the date. 19th June 1989. The date Jess had died. There was a dried white rose in the box, which Stella presumed was the rose that Billie had picked her from his garden. She smiled to herself and then she noticed an envelope at the bottom of the box. She hadn't noticed it before, with it being white. It was Billie's letter to Jessie, the one and only letter that he had written in his beautiful handwriting. Stella decided not to open it but then she thought otherwise. The song. The song may be in here, Jessie's song. She opened the envelope and yes, there was Jessie's song in the envelope. Stella read the song and cried. She cried for Jess and for Billie and all they had lost. She put everything away in the box and suddenly and overwhelmingly felt the need to call up Mike. She needed to hear his voice all of a sudden.
She sighed.
"Call him," said Mum.
"Are you sure?" Stella said looking up at her mother.
"Of course I'm sure. What does it matter how much it costs? It's important that you speak to him. Please call him Stella, I think you need to."
"Thanks mum." She knew it was still early in the morning in California but she didn't care.
She dialled the number.
"Hello?" It was Billie's mom that answered.
"Hello Ollie, its Stella," said Stella
"Stella sweetheart, I am so very sorry, I don't know what to say to you."
"Its OK, I know it's such a difficult situation. I have to know Ollie, how is Billie?"
"In a bad way," said his mum. "He has hardly eaten, slept or spoken since all this. It's changed him, Stella. It's like with his father all over again; things won't be the same again"
"I'm so sorry," said Stella. "Is Mike around?"
"He is darling, yes. I'll go and get him for you"
While Stella waited she noticed how eerily quiet it was in the background, so different from the noise and the bustle of the Armstrong's house when they had been there, when everything had been fun.
She heard the phone being picked up
"Stella." his voice.
"Oh Mike," said Stella. "I'm sorry to disturb you I needed to hear your voice." She started crying then. She thought she had been done with the crying.
"Hey it's OK," said Mike. "We're hardly sleeping here at the moment," he said. "Billie spends most of his time in the summerhouse just looking out. He's in a bad way, Stella."
"I'm so sorry for him. It must be awful," she replied.
"It is. He hardly speaks, it's as if he's in his own little world," said Mike.
"Poor Billie."
"How was it?" said Mike obviously referring to the funeral.
"It was bloody awful Mike, awful. Those flowers Billie sent were so beautiful and his note, so sad."
"He took ages to write that, he didn't know what to say," said Mike.
"I'm not surprised," replied Stella. "Poor, poor guy. Listen Mike I have some things that I think he should have."
"Oh. Like what?" said Mike.
"Some photographs and...the gift that Jess was buying him when all this happened."
"Oh crap," Said Mike.
"Yeah, I know, but I think he needs to have them. Her song was in there, too and I read it."
"Yeah. It's them isn't it?" said Mike.
"It is."
"Oh Stella, fucking hell, this is so unfair," said Mike suddenly.
"I know and I don't know what to say or do anymore. I miss her so much," said Stella.
"I wish you were here with us," said Mike.
"So do I," replied Stella and she did, she kept thinking of that kiss..
"When do you think we'll meet again?" said Mike. I keep thinking of our wonderful kiss.
"I don't know Mike, I really don't know. I'm starting work tomorrow in London at a studio," she said.
"Billie's calling me Stella," said Mike
"Then you'd best go to him," she said.
"I will, look Stella, send the stuff out as soon as you can and it was so good to hear from you."
"Thanks Mike, I'll write soon," she said.
"Make sure you do. Bye Stella"
"Bye Mike."
He was gone before she knew it.
**
Billie was in the summerhouse looking distraught when Mike found him. Mike just went and put his arms around him.
"Was that Stella?" said Billie suddenly.
"Yeah," said Mike.
"How was it?" whispered Billie.
"Oh Billie, how do you think?" said Mike.
Billie didn't answer
"Listen Billie, Stella has some things for you, things of Jessie's she said you should have them."
"I don't want them," said Billie staring out into the garden but not really looking at anything.
"Of course you do," said Mike.
"I just want Jess back," said Billie.
"I know you do dude. Come here." And he hugged his friend tight. What the fuck could he do for him?
**
One week later...
Ollie was signing for a parcel at the front door.
"It's here Mike," she said. "What now?" she said looking at him and not knowing what to do with the parcel.
"Here I'll take it," said Mike.
He opened the brown parcel with the airmail stickers all over it and there were two items inside, a parcel for Billie and a letter for himself.
He opened the letter.
Dear Mike
Oh Mike it's been terrible. I can't describe it. What was Jessie thinking crossing the road without looking? She was in a hurry, a hurry to get to Billie and now...now she's never going to see him ever again.
Her parents are in such a bad way but they have lots of family taking care of them. How is Billie, I mean really? He must be devastated, I am and you must be too. How dreadful is this? I feel as though it is my fault for telling her to come home. She didn't want to come, did she? She was scared as though she knew she wouldn't be back in California. She was right. Why didn't I just let her do what she wanted?
Anyway I've enclosed the parcel with her things for Billie. He must have them to remember her. How can we forget her?
You know she kept having this dream about being an angel in the sky looking down on everyone. Well now her dream has come true and that's where she is. Poor Jess and poor Billie. I so feel for him and wish I could be with you both.
Give him my love and tell him I'm thinking of him.
You're such a good friend - to Billie and to me.
Love from
Stella x
Mike brushed aside a tear. He put the letter away in his drawer and looked at the parcel. There was a letter in an envelope stuck to it in Stella's writing.
Billie wasn't in his room so Mike left the parcel on Billie's bed. Billie knew that Stella was sending him something from Jess so Mike just left it there for when he was ready. They were due to play at the Gilman that evening but Mike doubted that Billie was up to it. He'd have to see how his old friend was this afternoon. Mike expected to be calling up the Gilman to cancel.
**
Dear Billie Billie read
I had to send you Jessie's things, I just had to. They belong with you and Jess would have wanted you to have them. The items in the bag are the items she was buying for you. For you and her I believe. I am so sorry for all of this but I miss Jessie so much, just like you, but it's different for you, she was going to be your life.
Please take care of yourself Billie and remember I am thinking of you.
Love from
Stella x
Fuck it Stella. I can't do this, thought Billie. But these are Jessie's things so I'm going to have to.
He opened the parcel and out fell the photographs. Photographs of himself and Jess together looking at each other and not to the camera. He touched her face a few times then he put them away in their envelope, then he opened another and it was her engagement ring that he had bought her. God it was tiny; her fingers were so tiny and delicate. He kissed the ring, put it away in the jewellery box and put it back into the parcel with the photos. The last item was a jewellery bag. He opened it and out fell the necklaces one with the B and one with the J. He touched the letter J, opened the clasp and then put it round his neck. He unclipped the B necklace and put that round his neck too. Also inside the parcel was a white rose, a dried rose, the rose from their night at the summerhouse. 'Oh Jessie' sighed Billie tearfully. He decided to pack everything away then, put it all in the parcel and seal it up. He walked out into the garden down to the summerhouse and sat there for a while hugging the parcel until Mike came out and went to him.
"You OK dude?" said Mike
"A little better," said Billie. "Hey you couldn't get this put away in the attic for me could you?" said Billie. "I can't look at them." And he handed Mike the parcel that had arrived for him.
"Sure," said Mike glancing down at Billie's neck and noticing the chains. He didn't say anything and Billie didn't offer an explanation.
As Mike was walking away Billie shouts over "Hey what time we due at the Gilman?"
"7 o clock as usual," said Mike. "Want me to cancel?" he said.
"Nah, I'm ready to play," said Billie, stepping out of the summerhouse and putting his arm round Mike.
As they walked down the garden path, Billie put his arm out to the white rose bush and gently pulled off one of the white rose petals, he put it to his lips.
Billie never did go into that summerhouse ever again.
Later...
"What is it Billie? I knew this wasn't a good idea. It's too soon," said Mike.
Billie was breathing heavily and sweating. A guy came over from another band as he saw what was going on.
"Hey it looks like he's having some sort of a panic attack," he said. "Get a paper bag," he said looking over at Mike.
Someone else brought a paper bag over and the guy got Billie to breathe slowly into it. Billie felt loads better all of a sudden and was insistent that he was able to play.
"You sure dude? We can cancel, you know, under the circumstances?" said John.
"I'm fine," Billie snapped back. "I know what I wanna do and I wanna sing."
They got out onto the stage and Billie spoke once into the microphone. "Tonight is for Jessie" was all he said and then he rocked the place down. It was the best night Mike had ever known. They fucking rocked that night at the Gilman even after Billie had lost his girlfriend and had a panic attack. The guy was amazing.
Afterwards Billie looked grey.
"OK?" said Mike.
"Yeah, let's just get home. I need a joint and a beer," said Billie.
Later..
"What if that happens again?" said Mike
"What if what happens again?" replied Billie.
"That panic attack you had," said Mike.
"Oh so what. I think I can cope with the odd panic attack or too," said Billie taking a puff from his joint. "I'll just have to make sure I always carry some paper bags around with me," he said.
They were silent for a while just strumming on guitars. Suddenly Billie spoke.
"You know, Mike, I thought Jessie and I would be together forever," he said.
"We all thought that," said Mike. "You were so right together."
"I know. I'll never forget her, man, you know," said Billie.
"I know you won't, none of us will," said Mike.
"You know what Mike? After that I'm gonna take life by the balls and fuck everyone. I want to sing my songs and make something out of this. Jessie would have wanted me to. I'm going to make something of myself for Jessie."
Billie hardly spoke of Jessie ever again but she was always, always in the back of his mind.
"Sit down Stella, you look awful," said her mother.
"I feel it," said Stella slumping down onto the sofa. "Actually I'm going to change out of this outfit, I fucking hate it and I'm never going to wear it again," she said.
Stella's mother didn't even tell her daughter off for swearing, she just went off to the kitchen to make them both a cup of tea. As she made the tea, she thought about the awful day they'd both just had, Jessie's funeral. It had been horrific.
The coffin was white and the flowers were white, white for an innocent taken away too early from the wonderful life she had ahead of her.
Stella took off the black skirt and black jacket and flung them on the floor. Fucking clothes, funeral clothes, death clothes. Oh Jess. Why didn't you fucking look when you crossed that road? You're not a five year old. What were you thinking? I know, you were thinking of getting to Billie. Hurrying to get to Billie and you've killed yourself, now you'll never reach him, you'll be that angel in the sky watching down over us.
Stella couldn't cry any more, she had cried so much over the past week. Now she was angry, angry with Jessie for being so stupid and not looking properly and angry at Billie for not coming over to the funeral. No. Stupid to think that. How could Billie come? They'd sent flowers though. They had her name done in white roses. Well not her full name, just JESS. That's what Billie called her. Jess. His Jess. Well no longer. She was now nobody's Jess. They were beautiful flowers and there was a gorgeous note with them too. Stella could remember it by heart, as she'd read it over about six times.
"Jess. You will always be my angel. Take care up their little angel, one day we'll be together and one day you'll hear your song. I love you so much." Billie.
There was an extra note from Mike and Tre
"Dear Jess. We'll never forget your smiling face. Lots of Love, Mike and Tre and all the guys from California"
Fucking hell, this is so unfair, thought Stella. She thought of Mike then. She hadn't heard from either him or Billie at all this week. They knew when the funeral was as her mother had been in constant contact with Billie's mother. That poor lady having to tell her son what had happened. How had Billie taken it? How was Billie? She felt this sudden urge to call Mike. She checked her watch. 3pm, still too early over there. They probably hadn't woken up yet? Had they been to sleep? Billie probably hadn't slept since it happened. She will call Mike later; yeah she'll call at 7pm.
She heard her mother call then. "Are you OK sweetheart? I have some tea here for you and you really should open the box that Jessie's mother gave you, you know."
"Coming mum!" Shouted back Stella.
Yeah she really should open the shoebox. Jessie's mum had given it to her when they left the funeral. It was a white shoebox tied with a white ribbon. There were a few stickers on the outside and in bright pink pen I love Billie Joe Forever with loads of hearts around it. She'd given it to me and said it was a few things of Jessie's that she thought I should have. I wanted to open it and then I didn't but knew I had to.
We sat at the kitchen table with our tea and the white shoebox sat between us on the table.
"Would you like me to leave you alone with the box?" said mum.
"No, mum please stay," Stella said to her mum. She loved her mum so much, what would she have done without her these past few days. How could she even have thought about going to California and leaving her? It would be impossible.
Stella tugged at a piece of the ribbon and the bow undid straight away, then she lifted the lid. Inside were all sorts of smaller items wrapped up in white tissue paper. The first item she picked out was a small white photograph album. Inside were pictures going back to when they were children, loads of them from when they were five, there were some of Stella with her short black punk hair and Jess and her at parties and in school uniform together. Stella reminisced for a while and then put the album to one side.
There was a small pack of photographs underneath this. Stella opened them. They were of their trip to California. Stella looked through them looking at the photographs of the four of them, some had Tre laughing and joking in the background. There were some of the guys playing at the Gilman. There were loads of Jessie and Billie looking truly in love. As Stella put the photos away with a sad heart she realised that in all the photographs of Jess and Billie in not one of them were they looking at the camera. They were looking at each other.
There were a few keepsakes of outings and places that the girls had been together, items that would have meant nothing to anyone else but loads to Jess and Stella. At the bottom and the last object was a small red bag. Stella read the name on the bag. It said Goldmann's Jewellers. Shit. This must have been what Jess was buying on the day she was killed. A chill ran up Stella's spine. Jess was holding this bag when she died. She gently and silently opened it and her mother grabbed her hand for reassurance.
Inside was a box and inside the box were two silver necklaces. One had the initial 'B' hanging from it and the other the initial 'J'. 'B' for Billie and 'J' for Jessie, obviously. Oh Jess was this what it was all about? You went and got yourself killed over these. Stella carefully put the necklaces away in the box and bag and saw the receipt with the date. 19th June 1989. The date Jess had died. There was a dried white rose in the box, which Stella presumed was the rose that Billie had picked her from his garden. She smiled to herself and then she noticed an envelope at the bottom of the box. She hadn't noticed it before, with it being white. It was Billie's letter to Jessie, the one and only letter that he had written in his beautiful handwriting. Stella decided not to open it but then she thought otherwise. The song. The song may be in here, Jessie's song. She opened the envelope and yes, there was Jessie's song in the envelope. Stella read the song and cried. She cried for Jess and for Billie and all they had lost. She put everything away in the box and suddenly and overwhelmingly felt the need to call up Mike. She needed to hear his voice all of a sudden.
She sighed.
"Call him," said Mum.
"Are you sure?" Stella said looking up at her mother.
"Of course I'm sure. What does it matter how much it costs? It's important that you speak to him. Please call him Stella, I think you need to."
"Thanks mum." She knew it was still early in the morning in California but she didn't care.
She dialled the number.
"Hello?" It was Billie's mom that answered.
"Hello Ollie, its Stella," said Stella
"Stella sweetheart, I am so very sorry, I don't know what to say to you."
"Its OK, I know it's such a difficult situation. I have to know Ollie, how is Billie?"
"In a bad way," said his mum. "He has hardly eaten, slept or spoken since all this. It's changed him, Stella. It's like with his father all over again; things won't be the same again"
"I'm so sorry," said Stella. "Is Mike around?"
"He is darling, yes. I'll go and get him for you"
While Stella waited she noticed how eerily quiet it was in the background, so different from the noise and the bustle of the Armstrong's house when they had been there, when everything had been fun.
She heard the phone being picked up
"Stella." his voice.
"Oh Mike," said Stella. "I'm sorry to disturb you I needed to hear your voice." She started crying then. She thought she had been done with the crying.
"Hey it's OK," said Mike. "We're hardly sleeping here at the moment," he said. "Billie spends most of his time in the summerhouse just looking out. He's in a bad way, Stella."
"I'm so sorry for him. It must be awful," she replied.
"It is. He hardly speaks, it's as if he's in his own little world," said Mike.
"Poor Billie."
"How was it?" said Mike obviously referring to the funeral.
"It was bloody awful Mike, awful. Those flowers Billie sent were so beautiful and his note, so sad."
"He took ages to write that, he didn't know what to say," said Mike.
"I'm not surprised," replied Stella. "Poor, poor guy. Listen Mike I have some things that I think he should have."
"Oh. Like what?" said Mike.
"Some photographs and...the gift that Jess was buying him when all this happened."
"Oh crap," Said Mike.
"Yeah, I know, but I think he needs to have them. Her song was in there, too and I read it."
"Yeah. It's them isn't it?" said Mike.
"It is."
"Oh Stella, fucking hell, this is so unfair," said Mike suddenly.
"I know and I don't know what to say or do anymore. I miss her so much," said Stella.
"I wish you were here with us," said Mike.
"So do I," replied Stella and she did, she kept thinking of that kiss..
"When do you think we'll meet again?" said Mike. I keep thinking of our wonderful kiss.
"I don't know Mike, I really don't know. I'm starting work tomorrow in London at a studio," she said.
"Billie's calling me Stella," said Mike
"Then you'd best go to him," she said.
"I will, look Stella, send the stuff out as soon as you can and it was so good to hear from you."
"Thanks Mike, I'll write soon," she said.
"Make sure you do. Bye Stella"
"Bye Mike."
He was gone before she knew it.
**
Billie was in the summerhouse looking distraught when Mike found him. Mike just went and put his arms around him.
"Was that Stella?" said Billie suddenly.
"Yeah," said Mike.
"How was it?" whispered Billie.
"Oh Billie, how do you think?" said Mike.
Billie didn't answer
"Listen Billie, Stella has some things for you, things of Jessie's she said you should have them."
"I don't want them," said Billie staring out into the garden but not really looking at anything.
"Of course you do," said Mike.
"I just want Jess back," said Billie.
"I know you do dude. Come here." And he hugged his friend tight. What the fuck could he do for him?
**
One week later...
Ollie was signing for a parcel at the front door.
"It's here Mike," she said. "What now?" she said looking at him and not knowing what to do with the parcel.
"Here I'll take it," said Mike.
He opened the brown parcel with the airmail stickers all over it and there were two items inside, a parcel for Billie and a letter for himself.
He opened the letter.
Dear Mike
Oh Mike it's been terrible. I can't describe it. What was Jessie thinking crossing the road without looking? She was in a hurry, a hurry to get to Billie and now...now she's never going to see him ever again.
Her parents are in such a bad way but they have lots of family taking care of them. How is Billie, I mean really? He must be devastated, I am and you must be too. How dreadful is this? I feel as though it is my fault for telling her to come home. She didn't want to come, did she? She was scared as though she knew she wouldn't be back in California. She was right. Why didn't I just let her do what she wanted?
Anyway I've enclosed the parcel with her things for Billie. He must have them to remember her. How can we forget her?
You know she kept having this dream about being an angel in the sky looking down on everyone. Well now her dream has come true and that's where she is. Poor Jess and poor Billie. I so feel for him and wish I could be with you both.
Give him my love and tell him I'm thinking of him.
You're such a good friend - to Billie and to me.
Love from
Stella x
Mike brushed aside a tear. He put the letter away in his drawer and looked at the parcel. There was a letter in an envelope stuck to it in Stella's writing.
Billie wasn't in his room so Mike left the parcel on Billie's bed. Billie knew that Stella was sending him something from Jess so Mike just left it there for when he was ready. They were due to play at the Gilman that evening but Mike doubted that Billie was up to it. He'd have to see how his old friend was this afternoon. Mike expected to be calling up the Gilman to cancel.
**
Dear Billie Billie read
I had to send you Jessie's things, I just had to. They belong with you and Jess would have wanted you to have them. The items in the bag are the items she was buying for you. For you and her I believe. I am so sorry for all of this but I miss Jessie so much, just like you, but it's different for you, she was going to be your life.
Please take care of yourself Billie and remember I am thinking of you.
Love from
Stella x
Fuck it Stella. I can't do this, thought Billie. But these are Jessie's things so I'm going to have to.
He opened the parcel and out fell the photographs. Photographs of himself and Jess together looking at each other and not to the camera. He touched her face a few times then he put them away in their envelope, then he opened another and it was her engagement ring that he had bought her. God it was tiny; her fingers were so tiny and delicate. He kissed the ring, put it away in the jewellery box and put it back into the parcel with the photos. The last item was a jewellery bag. He opened it and out fell the necklaces one with the B and one with the J. He touched the letter J, opened the clasp and then put it round his neck. He unclipped the B necklace and put that round his neck too. Also inside the parcel was a white rose, a dried rose, the rose from their night at the summerhouse. 'Oh Jessie' sighed Billie tearfully. He decided to pack everything away then, put it all in the parcel and seal it up. He walked out into the garden down to the summerhouse and sat there for a while hugging the parcel until Mike came out and went to him.
"You OK dude?" said Mike
"A little better," said Billie. "Hey you couldn't get this put away in the attic for me could you?" said Billie. "I can't look at them." And he handed Mike the parcel that had arrived for him.
"Sure," said Mike glancing down at Billie's neck and noticing the chains. He didn't say anything and Billie didn't offer an explanation.
As Mike was walking away Billie shouts over "Hey what time we due at the Gilman?"
"7 o clock as usual," said Mike. "Want me to cancel?" he said.
"Nah, I'm ready to play," said Billie, stepping out of the summerhouse and putting his arm round Mike.
As they walked down the garden path, Billie put his arm out to the white rose bush and gently pulled off one of the white rose petals, he put it to his lips.
Billie never did go into that summerhouse ever again.
Later...
"What is it Billie? I knew this wasn't a good idea. It's too soon," said Mike.
Billie was breathing heavily and sweating. A guy came over from another band as he saw what was going on.
"Hey it looks like he's having some sort of a panic attack," he said. "Get a paper bag," he said looking over at Mike.
Someone else brought a paper bag over and the guy got Billie to breathe slowly into it. Billie felt loads better all of a sudden and was insistent that he was able to play.
"You sure dude? We can cancel, you know, under the circumstances?" said John.
"I'm fine," Billie snapped back. "I know what I wanna do and I wanna sing."
They got out onto the stage and Billie spoke once into the microphone. "Tonight is for Jessie" was all he said and then he rocked the place down. It was the best night Mike had ever known. They fucking rocked that night at the Gilman even after Billie had lost his girlfriend and had a panic attack. The guy was amazing.
Afterwards Billie looked grey.
"OK?" said Mike.
"Yeah, let's just get home. I need a joint and a beer," said Billie.
Later..
"What if that happens again?" said Mike
"What if what happens again?" replied Billie.
"That panic attack you had," said Mike.
"Oh so what. I think I can cope with the odd panic attack or too," said Billie taking a puff from his joint. "I'll just have to make sure I always carry some paper bags around with me," he said.
They were silent for a while just strumming on guitars. Suddenly Billie spoke.
"You know, Mike, I thought Jessie and I would be together forever," he said.
"We all thought that," said Mike. "You were so right together."
"I know. I'll never forget her, man, you know," said Billie.
"I know you won't, none of us will," said Mike.
"You know what Mike? After that I'm gonna take life by the balls and fuck everyone. I want to sing my songs and make something out of this. Jessie would have wanted me to. I'm going to make something of myself for Jessie."
Billie hardly spoke of Jessie ever again but she was always, always in the back of his mind.
