A Note Never Came Easy, chapter 6
Billie Joe woke up the next morning feeling a whole lot more refreshed, and he felt better inside for it.
As his eyes slowly opened, he looked straight at his wife who was still peacefully asleep.
She was exhausted.
And Billie couldn't help but feel a little guilty for it.
Turning on his back and looking up at the ceiling, he rubbed his eyes and yawned.
He was still up earlier than he had expected, considering he had taken sleeping pills, but still he had had a descents nights sleep for the first time in weeks. It may have only been for a few hours, but he felt that if he had had any more, he might have given himself a headache.
As he blinked in trying to wake himself up fully, he heard the voices of Joey and Jakob seep down the hallway and through the walls.
Eagerly, he slipped out from underneath the duvet and slipped on one of his T-Shirts from out of his draw.
He crept towards the door to his bedroom, glancing back to see if Adrienne was watching him at all.
He much preferred it if he just faced his sons on his own for a bit, plus he wanted her to rest.
She looked so tired and it made him slightly sad.
Pulling the door back the most he needed to, he hoped out of the room and closed the door back up, biting his bottom lip as he did so.
His feet lightly padding down the hallway, he worked out from their voices that they were in Joey's room, the voices being the furthest away.
Taking a deep breath as his hand grasped hold of the doorknob, he moved the door forward slowly and poked his head inside, catching a glimpse of how the two boys sat on the bed watching television together.
He smiled at the sight, steeping into the room fully and grabbing his son's attention.
"Dad!" Jakob screamed, jumping to his feet and running towards his father.
"Hey kiddo!" Billie Joe exclaimed, reaching out his arms and picking the youngest boy up under his arms and swinging him around a bit before planting a kiss on his rosy cheek.
Placing him back onto the ground, he then gave Joey a hug and ruffled his un-brushed hair up with his hand.
"You ok son?" He asked him.
Joey nodded. "Uh-huh. Where'd you go to?"
Billie Joe licked his lip briefly.
"Just here and there a bit. I needed to have a bit of a think about some things, that's all."
"You feeling better?" His eldest proceeded to ask.
"Better?"
"Yeah. Mom said you were sick."
Billie Joe thought about this for a moment, wondering how to respond.
"Yeah. I guess I was sick. And I think I am still, but I'm feeling so much better now."
He smiled at his son, and it caught his mind at how questionable his son seemed to be about him.
It was like Joey was the parent, always looking out for him.
Joey understood completely it seemed to him, and he had accepted how this was how his father was.
"So, who wants waffles?" He suddenly asked them both with a grin across his face.
The eyes of the two boys both lit up like a Christmas tree. They nodded eagerly and it made Billie laugh.
"Come on then." He told them, turning to open the door and letting them walk in front of him.
He placed his hand on the small of Jakob's back and together the 3 of them walked out of Joey's room and downstairs into the kitchen.
"But careful not to wake mom up though. I want her to have a lie in."
*
"Hey, they're my shoes!" Billie Joe cried, peeping through the gap between the bed sheets and realizing I was slipping on his black tennis shoes.
"And that's my bed." I replied, pointing to him, spread out under the duvet. "But I let you have it."
He gave me a confused look before sitting up and leaning against the headboard. He watched me check myself out in the mirror, wiping off my smudged eyeliner around my bloodshot eyes.
"Where' you going?" he asked, cocking his head to one side.
"To the shop downstairs. I'm hungry. Do you want anything?"
"Just some coffee and waffles. I've got a sudden urge for waffles all of the sudden." He said between yawning.
Soon enough we were both munching lightly on our waffles I had bought, and Billie Joe had cooked.
"Wow, you're really good at cooking waffles." I told him, between mouthfuls of delicious waffle and syrup.
"Thanks. Jakob and Joseph love it when I cook them waffles." He smiled.
"I can see why. They're delicious. When I try to cook them, I either cook them too much or too little. I'm not domesticated at all! Ask my mum."
We both laughed together, Billie Joe trying not to get his syrup everywhere. It was dripping off the side of his waffle.
"Of course, nothing can beat Pop Tarts." I mentioned, taking another bite.
"Pop Tarts?" Billie Joe questioned, pulling a confused smile.
"You never heard of Pop Tarts?" I asked in shock horror. "God, you're missing out. They're the best."
"Right." Billie Joe said, not having a clue on what I was talking about and tucking into his second waffle.
"If you ever come to the UK again, you'll have to try them. My mum used to always give them to me for breakfast before school in the morning when I was a kid."
Billie Joe looked at me with those gorgeous eyes of his, the ones that twinkled in the light.
"What?" I asked, wondering why the hell he was staring at me, which was making me nervous.
"Oh, nothing. Just your eyes." He whispered.
"What about them?"
"Nothing."
A smile started to break across my face as his did too.
He had a big dollop of syrup on the edge of his mouth from where his waffle had been bitten. I tried to hide my laugher but a big smile broke out on my face.
"What?" He asked, smiling too at my expression.
"You have, erm... " I started, then used my hand to point to the side of my mouth.
"What? Oh... " He giggled.
He quickly put down his waffle and moved his finger around his mouth, trying to wipe the syrup away.
"Gone?" He asked, showing the side of his face where the syrup had now been spread across his cheek.
His fingers were now sticky and he kept them still in the air to prevent him from making everything else sticky.
"Come here... " I laughed as I leaned towards his face.
I wiped the syrup off of his face and around his mouth with my finger.
He looked at me as my finger ran across the edge of his lip. He smiled a hot warm smile at me, one that made my heart race for miles.
I managed to give him a corner of a smile back, my finger still on the side of his lip.
I yearned for him to grab hold of me and protect me forever.
I slowly ran my finger over his lip again, not thinking about what I was doing. I was like, transfixed. Not that I hadn't been before by him though.
I bit my own lip deep in thought, starring into his lush green eyes again. I took in every little detail of them and recorded it in my mind.
My hand moved from the side of his face and down to his chin.
What the fuck was I doing?
I tried to break away, but I couldn't. Billie Joe looked pretty hypnotized too.
I sighed heavily and moved my hand away from his face. I turned awkwardly away from him and got up from my seat.
Billie Joe cocked his head to one side, and twisted his jaw to the other. His teeth lightly gritted against each other.
He sat there thinking and watching me scurry off. He could tell I was embarrassed. He seemed to be so laid back and cool about the whole thing though. That was one thing that made me feel awkward.
He hardly ever felt embarrassed, or so it seemed. He took everything on the chin. The chin I had just been toughing.
O shit...
I had made a complete idiot of myself now.
"Erm, where's... my... guitar...?" I asked, stuttering and frantically rummaging around trying to find it.
"Over in the corner. Where you left it last night." He said knowingly, still smiling and pointing to my guitar.
Billie Joe, stop smiling please. It makes me nervous.
How did he know where I had left my guitar? What did he know that I didn't?
I picked up my guitar case by the neck and dragged it back to our seating spot. I kept my eyes down on my guitar as I tried to take it out of its cover.
I wanted to cry and let all of my emotions out. I so badly wanted to scream the place down.
He didn't know that today it was 3 years since my Granddad had died. The Granddad that always understood me and kept me safe. I had never really gotten over his death. I still cried about it.
I frantically tried to undo the zip on the case but it got jammed and I broke it in frustration. I had so many emotions inside of me that were clashing with each other.
"Oh, this FUCKING THING!" I screamed, my fists clenching and shaking.
I slammed my guitar onto the counter, not thinking about the consequences it would have on it.
"Hey, hey!" Billie Joe whispered, taking my hands and holding them to prevent them from shaking.
A tear rolled down my cheek as he took my chin and lifted it up with his finger.
"It's ok." He whispered softly to me, looking deep into my eyes.
Another tear parted from my eye and he leaned forward to give me another hug.
"Come here." He whispered, hugging me tight and rocking me back and forth.
This felt so right. I wish it could last forever.
But I knew deep down that it couldn't, and it never would.
I hadn't felt this safe since my Granddad had died.
Billie Joe pulled away and clasped his hands on the side of my arms tightly.
"Everything will be fine. I promise. Just trust me. We'll get through this together, whatever it is that you're feeling. You can tell me about it later, but at the moment I'm keeping my promise of helping you with your audition, ok?"
*
Adrienne woke up and turned onto her side, groaning as she did so and curling herself up into a ball even more.
She closed her eyes for a brief moment before opening them again when she recalled seeing in that quick second she had turned over Billie Joe's clothes dumped in a pile.
She stared at them, and her heart lurched a little.
She sat up and saw his shoes, before she proceeded to rub her tired eyes.
Sitting there for a few minutes thinking, she wondered whether he had just nipped back during the night to grab some new clothes, or whether he had actually come home.
Biting her bottom lip, she slowly draped back the duvet and swung her legs over the edge of the bed.
Standing to her feet, she picked up her Dressing gown and wrapped it around her loosely.
Pulling the door back to their bedroom, she instantly heard Billie's voice, as well as their sons. She heard them laughing together and it made her stomach do a summersault.
Yup, he was home.
How long for, was a different matter though.
In the kitchen, Billie Joe stood against one of the counter tops, a pan in his hand, a fryer in the other.
The noise of sizzling waffles echoed about the room, Joey already tucking into his breakfast whilst Jakob sat eagerly opposite his brother, watching Billie now do his.
Adrienne stepped into the room, her face pale and another yawn escaping between her lips.
"Mommy!" Jakob cried, a smile appearing as she headed towards them at the table.
"Hey sweetie." She spoke softly to him, her voice a little rugged from having just woke up.
Billie Joe swiftly turned round to see her, juggling the cooking at the same time.
"Hey." He spoke gently, smiling at her before turning back to Jakob's waffles before he burnt them.
She smiled a small one at him.
Pulling out a chair between her two sons, one hand tucked across her waist holding up her dressing robe, she sat down and rubbed her face with her hands.
"Want some waffles?" Billie Joe asked her, turning around and leaning across the table to dish them out onto Jakob's plate.
Carefully he scooped them out of the pan and onto the plate, Jakob and Joey watching as he did so.
"No, I'm ok thanks." Was her reply, her voice still somewhat tired.
It was sort of awkward the way Billie Joe was balanced across the table, he was trying desperately to not completely fall flat on his ass with a hot pan and hurt himself.
His thumb slipped in the process as he finished scooping everything out, burning it on the side of the pan and causing him to jump 6 feet in the air.
"Ah, shit... " he cursed under his breath.
Throwing the fryer into the pan and waving his hand madly in the air to cool it off, he skipped over to the countertop like a mad loon and threw the pan onto the side.
He put his thumb to his mouth and sucked on it hard, trying to cool it off as he doubled over slightly in light agony.
Flicking his hand in the air one more time, he then picked up his own plate, which consisted of two burnt waffles that he had originally cooked for Joey, but had turned out wrong.
He instead had re-cooked them, and kept the burnt ones for himself that had now turned cold.
Looking at them morosely, he frowned, furrowing his brow before picking one up and biting into it.
Sitting himself down in the last chair opposite Adrienne, silence feel upon the 3 of them.
Billie Joe even caught Joey looking cautiously between his parents, not knowing what to do.
"What you guys been up to then?" Billie Joe broke the silence before taking another bite.
Joey finished eating his last waffle before responding.
"Just, school and stuff really. Not much. Ben came round to play one day."
Billie Joe nodded at the knowledge of one of his son's friends. "Is he ok?"
"Yeah, he's ok."
"Good good."
After a few more minutes of silence, Joey looked up at his mother and father, licking is bottom lip.
"May I get down from the table please?"
Billie Joe nodded once again. "Yeah, sure."
"Thanks." He murmured as he got down from the table, Jakob asking too and following his brother.
That left Billie Joe and Adrienne alone.
"You been doing ok?" Billie finally asked her, biting into his second waffle now.
"I've had better days." She told him, turning her lip at the corner of her mouth.
Billie Joe acknowledged this, nodding because he knew he was to blame.
"Have the boys been ok?"
"The boys have been fine. They've been asking where you've been."
He stopped chewing and glanced up at her, holding a gaze.
"I'm... I'm sorry... " He started, throwing his waffle down onto his plate in rejection, still eating. "I... I just didn't know what to do... I... has Mike called you... ?"
"Yes, he has Billie Joe. Every day, wondering if you've come back home. Seeing how I am, how the boys are."
Billie looked back down at his half eaten breakfast guiltily.
There was another pause between them.
"It's, it's just... "
"Just what Addi?" He asked her softly, his heart aching.
She sighed, looking to her left in thought before turning back to him as she sat with her arms folded across her chest.
"Where have you been Billie Joe?"
He looked her in the eye again, stuttering before saying something.
"San Fran."
"San Francisco? What were you doing in San Francisco?" She asked, frowning.
"I... just felt like going there." He shrugged.
"Why would you want to go to San Francisco when there have been terrorist attacks there lately?"
"I... " he started, not knowing what to say really. "You know me Addi. I wonder from place to place. I felt like going there, and seeing the site where all that shit happened... it kind of inspired me I guess, to write songs."
She looked at him, studying his profile carefully. It was like she could see right through him.
She didn't even know he had been caught up the terrorist attack. He stole a glance off of her before looking back down at his plate.
"What I said that night... " he started again, trying to explain himself. "I shouldn't have said. It was a mistake, I was just uptight and... I'm just really sorry for how things turned out. But I think I needed that trip."
He looked her straight in the eye now, begging inside for her to understand.
"When will you let me in Billie?" She begged him, looking sadly at him.
"I - " He stopped himself, the picture of her sad face making him curl up inside. "I'm trying to. I just find it hard Addi. You know that."
"I know you do Billie Joe. But how long is this going to last? I don't know what's put you in this - this - this mood of yours."
I wish I could tell you without breaking your heart Adrienne.
"Adrienne, I'm tying my best. That's why I came back. I can't live knowing that what I've done is wrong. It kills me inside."
"But what is it that you've actually done wrong Billie?" She asked him, his mouth becoming dry.
"I... erm, this. Messing you about. You don't deserve it." He replied, bowing his head.
She looked at him before looking down at her hands that were cupped together on the table. She looked at them thoughtfully, frowning.
Billie Joe twitched at the side of his lips and reached out across the table, placing his hand soothingly on top of Addi's. She looked up at him at the gesture.
"I'm going to make things better. I promise."
She smiled at him, and he smiled lovingly back at her, wondering if this time, he really meant it.
*
Sitting in the back of Billie's Ford Fairlane, Tre sat next to me - and it had never been so awkward. The drummer stared out of his window, thinking to himself and watching the world go by.
I just wish Billie hadn't brought him into this. It just wasn't fair.
Stopping at a gas station so Mike could run in and take some cash out of the machine, it just left us three on our own in the vehicle.
Billie turned around, twisting his body around the car seat and taking my hand to give it a squeeze.
"I'm doing this for us, okay?"
I nodded slowly, before glancing over at Tre who hadn't really flinched at the movement from us.
"It'll be fine." He carried on. "I'm not going say that I'm not nervous, because I am, but... we'll do this together okay? And it's not because I want to blow the shit further, I... I just need you to be here. I feel as if this needs to happen."
I wasn't going to question him. Nodding again I swallowed hard. I was going to meet Adrienne for the first time, and I had been sleeping with her husband for the last couple of months. What was I meant to do or think?
"I love you." He suddenly blurted out, catching me from my thoughts as I stared at him a while.
"Me-me too."
He smiled sweetly at me, before letting go of my hand to turn around as Mike opened the door and hoped back into the other side of the vehicle. It seemed like he was totally calm with it, as if nothing serious was happening and that I was supposed to be all happy go lucky about the whole thing.
*
Billie Joe headed upstairs and into his and Adrienne's bedroom, looking back to see if anyone had followed him.
When no one else was there and he could hear the three of them downstairs, he closed the door shut and locked it.
Biting his bottom lip, he dug into his jean pocket and pulled out his cell, flipping it open and dialling Mike's number.
He looked at the door cautiously as he pressed his phone to his ear, listening to it ring as he felt his heart beat quicken. He couldn't let anyone catch him.
When Mike picked up, the bassist was more than relived that Billie Joe was now home, and was trying to fix things with Adrienne.
And most importantly, that he was safe.
Billie Joe explained to his best friend what had happened since he had last called him, how he had broken down in tears at the spot where Stef had died, how he had gotten piss ass drunk and made a nervous wreck out of himself, several times.
He told him how he planned to make things better between him Adrienne, and how it was driving him insane with having to keep all the truth to himself.
"But I need to ask you a favour Mike." The guitarist continued, now perched on the end of his bed hunched over, his hand moving down his face.
"Sure, anything." The bassist told him.
Billie Joe sighed.
"Tomorrow I've, um... got to go to the Morgue. Would you... erm, you don't have to but, um... come with me please?" He asked quietly, a little ashamed to.
To hear Billie ask him tugged on Mike's heartstrings. He couldn't bear to hear his friend like this.
"Yeah." He replied before asking, "You sure you want me there?"
Billie Joe swallowed back a lump in his throat. "Yeah, I erm... might need someone to just erm, be... there for me... that's... that's all... "
"Only if you want me to Bill."
"I do Mike. I think... think I need you there."
After a few more minutes of talking, Billie Joe excused himself and arranged to pick up Mike tomorrow at his house, leaving Adrienne to believe they were to have a band meeting - minus Tre that is.
Hanging up the phone Mike placed it back on the base, sighing deeply and closing his tired eyes, whilst Billie pocketed his cell, unlocked the door to his room and slipped back downstairs.
Mike rubbed his temple, closing his eyes for a few seconds. He was so tired. He just wish that he could tell someone what was happening, and trust them, knowing they would keep it a secret but still hear him out.
He went back into the living room, sitting himself down on the couch slowly, staring into space before him, just thinking.
Billie's going to loose it tomorrow.
Suddenly, he felt the couch sink down next to him from someone else sitting beside him, curling her feet up under and snaking an arm around the back of his neck.
"You ok babe?"
Mike turned to face Brittany, who looked at him sympathetically.
He bit his bottom before letting out a deep sigh, a few seconds passing before he spoke.
"Brittany, if I tell you this you promise to not tell anyone ok? And I mean anyone."
As his eyes slowly opened, he looked straight at his wife who was still peacefully asleep.
She was exhausted.
And Billie couldn't help but feel a little guilty for it.
Turning on his back and looking up at the ceiling, he rubbed his eyes and yawned.
He was still up earlier than he had expected, considering he had taken sleeping pills, but still he had had a descents nights sleep for the first time in weeks. It may have only been for a few hours, but he felt that if he had had any more, he might have given himself a headache.
As he blinked in trying to wake himself up fully, he heard the voices of Joey and Jakob seep down the hallway and through the walls.
Eagerly, he slipped out from underneath the duvet and slipped on one of his T-Shirts from out of his draw.
He crept towards the door to his bedroom, glancing back to see if Adrienne was watching him at all.
He much preferred it if he just faced his sons on his own for a bit, plus he wanted her to rest.
She looked so tired and it made him slightly sad.
Pulling the door back the most he needed to, he hoped out of the room and closed the door back up, biting his bottom lip as he did so.
His feet lightly padding down the hallway, he worked out from their voices that they were in Joey's room, the voices being the furthest away.
Taking a deep breath as his hand grasped hold of the doorknob, he moved the door forward slowly and poked his head inside, catching a glimpse of how the two boys sat on the bed watching television together.
He smiled at the sight, steeping into the room fully and grabbing his son's attention.
"Dad!" Jakob screamed, jumping to his feet and running towards his father.
"Hey kiddo!" Billie Joe exclaimed, reaching out his arms and picking the youngest boy up under his arms and swinging him around a bit before planting a kiss on his rosy cheek.
Placing him back onto the ground, he then gave Joey a hug and ruffled his un-brushed hair up with his hand.
"You ok son?" He asked him.
Joey nodded. "Uh-huh. Where'd you go to?"
Billie Joe licked his lip briefly.
"Just here and there a bit. I needed to have a bit of a think about some things, that's all."
"You feeling better?" His eldest proceeded to ask.
"Better?"
"Yeah. Mom said you were sick."
Billie Joe thought about this for a moment, wondering how to respond.
"Yeah. I guess I was sick. And I think I am still, but I'm feeling so much better now."
He smiled at his son, and it caught his mind at how questionable his son seemed to be about him.
It was like Joey was the parent, always looking out for him.
Joey understood completely it seemed to him, and he had accepted how this was how his father was.
"So, who wants waffles?" He suddenly asked them both with a grin across his face.
The eyes of the two boys both lit up like a Christmas tree. They nodded eagerly and it made Billie laugh.
"Come on then." He told them, turning to open the door and letting them walk in front of him.
He placed his hand on the small of Jakob's back and together the 3 of them walked out of Joey's room and downstairs into the kitchen.
"But careful not to wake mom up though. I want her to have a lie in."
*
"Hey, they're my shoes!" Billie Joe cried, peeping through the gap between the bed sheets and realizing I was slipping on his black tennis shoes.
"And that's my bed." I replied, pointing to him, spread out under the duvet. "But I let you have it."
He gave me a confused look before sitting up and leaning against the headboard. He watched me check myself out in the mirror, wiping off my smudged eyeliner around my bloodshot eyes.
"Where' you going?" he asked, cocking his head to one side.
"To the shop downstairs. I'm hungry. Do you want anything?"
"Just some coffee and waffles. I've got a sudden urge for waffles all of the sudden." He said between yawning.
Soon enough we were both munching lightly on our waffles I had bought, and Billie Joe had cooked.
"Wow, you're really good at cooking waffles." I told him, between mouthfuls of delicious waffle and syrup.
"Thanks. Jakob and Joseph love it when I cook them waffles." He smiled.
"I can see why. They're delicious. When I try to cook them, I either cook them too much or too little. I'm not domesticated at all! Ask my mum."
We both laughed together, Billie Joe trying not to get his syrup everywhere. It was dripping off the side of his waffle.
"Of course, nothing can beat Pop Tarts." I mentioned, taking another bite.
"Pop Tarts?" Billie Joe questioned, pulling a confused smile.
"You never heard of Pop Tarts?" I asked in shock horror. "God, you're missing out. They're the best."
"Right." Billie Joe said, not having a clue on what I was talking about and tucking into his second waffle.
"If you ever come to the UK again, you'll have to try them. My mum used to always give them to me for breakfast before school in the morning when I was a kid."
Billie Joe looked at me with those gorgeous eyes of his, the ones that twinkled in the light.
"What?" I asked, wondering why the hell he was staring at me, which was making me nervous.
"Oh, nothing. Just your eyes." He whispered.
"What about them?"
"Nothing."
A smile started to break across my face as his did too.
He had a big dollop of syrup on the edge of his mouth from where his waffle had been bitten. I tried to hide my laugher but a big smile broke out on my face.
"What?" He asked, smiling too at my expression.
"You have, erm... " I started, then used my hand to point to the side of my mouth.
"What? Oh... " He giggled.
He quickly put down his waffle and moved his finger around his mouth, trying to wipe the syrup away.
"Gone?" He asked, showing the side of his face where the syrup had now been spread across his cheek.
His fingers were now sticky and he kept them still in the air to prevent him from making everything else sticky.
"Come here... " I laughed as I leaned towards his face.
I wiped the syrup off of his face and around his mouth with my finger.
He looked at me as my finger ran across the edge of his lip. He smiled a hot warm smile at me, one that made my heart race for miles.
I managed to give him a corner of a smile back, my finger still on the side of his lip.
I yearned for him to grab hold of me and protect me forever.
I slowly ran my finger over his lip again, not thinking about what I was doing. I was like, transfixed. Not that I hadn't been before by him though.
I bit my own lip deep in thought, starring into his lush green eyes again. I took in every little detail of them and recorded it in my mind.
My hand moved from the side of his face and down to his chin.
What the fuck was I doing?
I tried to break away, but I couldn't. Billie Joe looked pretty hypnotized too.
I sighed heavily and moved my hand away from his face. I turned awkwardly away from him and got up from my seat.
Billie Joe cocked his head to one side, and twisted his jaw to the other. His teeth lightly gritted against each other.
He sat there thinking and watching me scurry off. He could tell I was embarrassed. He seemed to be so laid back and cool about the whole thing though. That was one thing that made me feel awkward.
He hardly ever felt embarrassed, or so it seemed. He took everything on the chin. The chin I had just been toughing.
O shit...
I had made a complete idiot of myself now.
"Erm, where's... my... guitar...?" I asked, stuttering and frantically rummaging around trying to find it.
"Over in the corner. Where you left it last night." He said knowingly, still smiling and pointing to my guitar.
Billie Joe, stop smiling please. It makes me nervous.
How did he know where I had left my guitar? What did he know that I didn't?
I picked up my guitar case by the neck and dragged it back to our seating spot. I kept my eyes down on my guitar as I tried to take it out of its cover.
I wanted to cry and let all of my emotions out. I so badly wanted to scream the place down.
He didn't know that today it was 3 years since my Granddad had died. The Granddad that always understood me and kept me safe. I had never really gotten over his death. I still cried about it.
I frantically tried to undo the zip on the case but it got jammed and I broke it in frustration. I had so many emotions inside of me that were clashing with each other.
"Oh, this FUCKING THING!" I screamed, my fists clenching and shaking.
I slammed my guitar onto the counter, not thinking about the consequences it would have on it.
"Hey, hey!" Billie Joe whispered, taking my hands and holding them to prevent them from shaking.
A tear rolled down my cheek as he took my chin and lifted it up with his finger.
"It's ok." He whispered softly to me, looking deep into my eyes.
Another tear parted from my eye and he leaned forward to give me another hug.
"Come here." He whispered, hugging me tight and rocking me back and forth.
This felt so right. I wish it could last forever.
But I knew deep down that it couldn't, and it never would.
I hadn't felt this safe since my Granddad had died.
Billie Joe pulled away and clasped his hands on the side of my arms tightly.
"Everything will be fine. I promise. Just trust me. We'll get through this together, whatever it is that you're feeling. You can tell me about it later, but at the moment I'm keeping my promise of helping you with your audition, ok?"
*
Adrienne woke up and turned onto her side, groaning as she did so and curling herself up into a ball even more.
She closed her eyes for a brief moment before opening them again when she recalled seeing in that quick second she had turned over Billie Joe's clothes dumped in a pile.
She stared at them, and her heart lurched a little.
She sat up and saw his shoes, before she proceeded to rub her tired eyes.
Sitting there for a few minutes thinking, she wondered whether he had just nipped back during the night to grab some new clothes, or whether he had actually come home.
Biting her bottom lip, she slowly draped back the duvet and swung her legs over the edge of the bed.
Standing to her feet, she picked up her Dressing gown and wrapped it around her loosely.
Pulling the door back to their bedroom, she instantly heard Billie's voice, as well as their sons. She heard them laughing together and it made her stomach do a summersault.
Yup, he was home.
How long for, was a different matter though.
In the kitchen, Billie Joe stood against one of the counter tops, a pan in his hand, a fryer in the other.
The noise of sizzling waffles echoed about the room, Joey already tucking into his breakfast whilst Jakob sat eagerly opposite his brother, watching Billie now do his.
Adrienne stepped into the room, her face pale and another yawn escaping between her lips.
"Mommy!" Jakob cried, a smile appearing as she headed towards them at the table.
"Hey sweetie." She spoke softly to him, her voice a little rugged from having just woke up.
Billie Joe swiftly turned round to see her, juggling the cooking at the same time.
"Hey." He spoke gently, smiling at her before turning back to Jakob's waffles before he burnt them.
She smiled a small one at him.
Pulling out a chair between her two sons, one hand tucked across her waist holding up her dressing robe, she sat down and rubbed her face with her hands.
"Want some waffles?" Billie Joe asked her, turning around and leaning across the table to dish them out onto Jakob's plate.
Carefully he scooped them out of the pan and onto the plate, Jakob and Joey watching as he did so.
"No, I'm ok thanks." Was her reply, her voice still somewhat tired.
It was sort of awkward the way Billie Joe was balanced across the table, he was trying desperately to not completely fall flat on his ass with a hot pan and hurt himself.
His thumb slipped in the process as he finished scooping everything out, burning it on the side of the pan and causing him to jump 6 feet in the air.
"Ah, shit... " he cursed under his breath.
Throwing the fryer into the pan and waving his hand madly in the air to cool it off, he skipped over to the countertop like a mad loon and threw the pan onto the side.
He put his thumb to his mouth and sucked on it hard, trying to cool it off as he doubled over slightly in light agony.
Flicking his hand in the air one more time, he then picked up his own plate, which consisted of two burnt waffles that he had originally cooked for Joey, but had turned out wrong.
He instead had re-cooked them, and kept the burnt ones for himself that had now turned cold.
Looking at them morosely, he frowned, furrowing his brow before picking one up and biting into it.
Sitting himself down in the last chair opposite Adrienne, silence feel upon the 3 of them.
Billie Joe even caught Joey looking cautiously between his parents, not knowing what to do.
"What you guys been up to then?" Billie Joe broke the silence before taking another bite.
Joey finished eating his last waffle before responding.
"Just, school and stuff really. Not much. Ben came round to play one day."
Billie Joe nodded at the knowledge of one of his son's friends. "Is he ok?"
"Yeah, he's ok."
"Good good."
After a few more minutes of silence, Joey looked up at his mother and father, licking is bottom lip.
"May I get down from the table please?"
Billie Joe nodded once again. "Yeah, sure."
"Thanks." He murmured as he got down from the table, Jakob asking too and following his brother.
That left Billie Joe and Adrienne alone.
"You been doing ok?" Billie finally asked her, biting into his second waffle now.
"I've had better days." She told him, turning her lip at the corner of her mouth.
Billie Joe acknowledged this, nodding because he knew he was to blame.
"Have the boys been ok?"
"The boys have been fine. They've been asking where you've been."
He stopped chewing and glanced up at her, holding a gaze.
"I'm... I'm sorry... " He started, throwing his waffle down onto his plate in rejection, still eating. "I... I just didn't know what to do... I... has Mike called you... ?"
"Yes, he has Billie Joe. Every day, wondering if you've come back home. Seeing how I am, how the boys are."
Billie looked back down at his half eaten breakfast guiltily.
There was another pause between them.
"It's, it's just... "
"Just what Addi?" He asked her softly, his heart aching.
She sighed, looking to her left in thought before turning back to him as she sat with her arms folded across her chest.
"Where have you been Billie Joe?"
He looked her in the eye again, stuttering before saying something.
"San Fran."
"San Francisco? What were you doing in San Francisco?" She asked, frowning.
"I... just felt like going there." He shrugged.
"Why would you want to go to San Francisco when there have been terrorist attacks there lately?"
"I... " he started, not knowing what to say really. "You know me Addi. I wonder from place to place. I felt like going there, and seeing the site where all that shit happened... it kind of inspired me I guess, to write songs."
She looked at him, studying his profile carefully. It was like she could see right through him.
She didn't even know he had been caught up the terrorist attack. He stole a glance off of her before looking back down at his plate.
"What I said that night... " he started again, trying to explain himself. "I shouldn't have said. It was a mistake, I was just uptight and... I'm just really sorry for how things turned out. But I think I needed that trip."
He looked her straight in the eye now, begging inside for her to understand.
"When will you let me in Billie?" She begged him, looking sadly at him.
"I - " He stopped himself, the picture of her sad face making him curl up inside. "I'm trying to. I just find it hard Addi. You know that."
"I know you do Billie Joe. But how long is this going to last? I don't know what's put you in this - this - this mood of yours."
I wish I could tell you without breaking your heart Adrienne.
"Adrienne, I'm tying my best. That's why I came back. I can't live knowing that what I've done is wrong. It kills me inside."
"But what is it that you've actually done wrong Billie?" She asked him, his mouth becoming dry.
"I... erm, this. Messing you about. You don't deserve it." He replied, bowing his head.
She looked at him before looking down at her hands that were cupped together on the table. She looked at them thoughtfully, frowning.
Billie Joe twitched at the side of his lips and reached out across the table, placing his hand soothingly on top of Addi's. She looked up at him at the gesture.
"I'm going to make things better. I promise."
She smiled at him, and he smiled lovingly back at her, wondering if this time, he really meant it.
*
Sitting in the back of Billie's Ford Fairlane, Tre sat next to me - and it had never been so awkward. The drummer stared out of his window, thinking to himself and watching the world go by.
I just wish Billie hadn't brought him into this. It just wasn't fair.
Stopping at a gas station so Mike could run in and take some cash out of the machine, it just left us three on our own in the vehicle.
Billie turned around, twisting his body around the car seat and taking my hand to give it a squeeze.
"I'm doing this for us, okay?"
I nodded slowly, before glancing over at Tre who hadn't really flinched at the movement from us.
"It'll be fine." He carried on. "I'm not going say that I'm not nervous, because I am, but... we'll do this together okay? And it's not because I want to blow the shit further, I... I just need you to be here. I feel as if this needs to happen."
I wasn't going to question him. Nodding again I swallowed hard. I was going to meet Adrienne for the first time, and I had been sleeping with her husband for the last couple of months. What was I meant to do or think?
"I love you." He suddenly blurted out, catching me from my thoughts as I stared at him a while.
"Me-me too."
He smiled sweetly at me, before letting go of my hand to turn around as Mike opened the door and hoped back into the other side of the vehicle. It seemed like he was totally calm with it, as if nothing serious was happening and that I was supposed to be all happy go lucky about the whole thing.
*
Billie Joe headed upstairs and into his and Adrienne's bedroom, looking back to see if anyone had followed him.
When no one else was there and he could hear the three of them downstairs, he closed the door shut and locked it.
Biting his bottom lip, he dug into his jean pocket and pulled out his cell, flipping it open and dialling Mike's number.
He looked at the door cautiously as he pressed his phone to his ear, listening to it ring as he felt his heart beat quicken. He couldn't let anyone catch him.
When Mike picked up, the bassist was more than relived that Billie Joe was now home, and was trying to fix things with Adrienne.
And most importantly, that he was safe.
Billie Joe explained to his best friend what had happened since he had last called him, how he had broken down in tears at the spot where Stef had died, how he had gotten piss ass drunk and made a nervous wreck out of himself, several times.
He told him how he planned to make things better between him Adrienne, and how it was driving him insane with having to keep all the truth to himself.
"But I need to ask you a favour Mike." The guitarist continued, now perched on the end of his bed hunched over, his hand moving down his face.
"Sure, anything." The bassist told him.
Billie Joe sighed.
"Tomorrow I've, um... got to go to the Morgue. Would you... erm, you don't have to but, um... come with me please?" He asked quietly, a little ashamed to.
To hear Billie ask him tugged on Mike's heartstrings. He couldn't bear to hear his friend like this.
"Yeah." He replied before asking, "You sure you want me there?"
Billie Joe swallowed back a lump in his throat. "Yeah, I erm... might need someone to just erm, be... there for me... that's... that's all... "
"Only if you want me to Bill."
"I do Mike. I think... think I need you there."
After a few more minutes of talking, Billie Joe excused himself and arranged to pick up Mike tomorrow at his house, leaving Adrienne to believe they were to have a band meeting - minus Tre that is.
Hanging up the phone Mike placed it back on the base, sighing deeply and closing his tired eyes, whilst Billie pocketed his cell, unlocked the door to his room and slipped back downstairs.
Mike rubbed his temple, closing his eyes for a few seconds. He was so tired. He just wish that he could tell someone what was happening, and trust them, knowing they would keep it a secret but still hear him out.
He went back into the living room, sitting himself down on the couch slowly, staring into space before him, just thinking.
Billie's going to loose it tomorrow.
Suddenly, he felt the couch sink down next to him from someone else sitting beside him, curling her feet up under and snaking an arm around the back of his neck.
"You ok babe?"
Mike turned to face Brittany, who looked at him sympathetically.
He bit his bottom before letting out a deep sigh, a few seconds passing before he spoke.
"Brittany, if I tell you this you promise to not tell anyone ok? And I mean anyone."
