A Note Never Came Easy, chapter 7

I started to walk down the stream of cars, the rain thundering down on top of me so much that within a matter of seconds I was drenched to the bone. Billie Joe climbed out of the back seat of the taxi too, calling for me like a mad man and slamming the door shut before running after me.
"Stef!"

I continued to walk away, folding my arms across me and passing thousands of cars along the way.
"Stef!" He shrieked, so frightened that he was going to loose me again. "Stef!"
He caught up with me and grabbed hold of my arm, turning me around and looking at me with those sad eyes of his.
"Stef... what's going on?"

He panted a little, his clothes soaked and sticking to him - his hair a mass logged with water, dripping down his face and over his eyes.
"I can't take it anymore Billie... " I sobbed.
"Can't take what?" He placed both of his hands on my arms. "Can't take what babe?"
"The feeling... the knowing that I tried to hurt you... that I WANTED to hurt you, I can't take it anymore... These!"
I pulled back my sleeves to show him my scars.
"These are what I can't take. These Billie these... because I'm so fucking stupid for trying it, knowing that I was trying to kill myself... and all that shit before where I kept our feelings locked up - "
"... Shit?!"
"Yes, shit Billie." I whined before pausing. "But it's fucking good shit. Shit that smells so sweet and that it stabs you in the heart because it's so fucking good."
He looked at me a little horrified. He knew what I had just said. Those had been his exact words to me when we had first met.
"Yes Billie, that is what you said to me on our first day. The first day we met... I still remember it... "

I broke down into a fit of sobs, changing my thoughts.
"No one deserves to come near me when I do things like this because I just upset people. I might as well be dead. That way... that way I won't cause any more damage and everyone will be ok... "
"No." Billie told me, placing his wet hands against the dampened sides of my face, and forcing me to look into his eyes through the tears. "No Stef. Listen to me... don't you ever say that ok? I love you so much and without you, I don't know... but you've made me so happy over the last couple of months. And I mean that. And you'll never have to make those scars again because nothings going to hurt you no more. I promise. I promise with my life that I'll never let you turn to that again. I love you Stef."

We looked into each other's eyes, the rain dripping down us both.
I let out a little cry, closing my eyes for a second as he pressed his forehead against mine, still looking into the other's eyes. I could feel him breathing against me, my heart pounding against my chest.
"I love you Billie Joe... " I whispered to him, my heart bleeding for him.
Looking at me slightly different, he shifted his head to the side a bit without replying, but instead slowly leaning in.

He closed his eyes as my own followed him, then shutting them myself. I felt his thumb run along my cheek, wiping away some of the rain off of my face. I felt his lips slowly touch mine, and they were as soft as ever.
He slipped me his tongue as I kissed him gently. He drew me closer towards him with his hands, our kiss growing deeper as the rain continued to fall onto us.
Exploring each other's mouths passionately.
I gave him my tongue too as I felt myself stepping closer into him, pressing my body against his as we both stood there, forever holding onto our passionate kiss.
*

"I might as well be dead... .

... No one deserves to come near me when I do things like this because I just upset people... .

... I'm so fucking stupid for trying it, knowing that I was trying to kill myself...

... I might as well be dead...

... I might as well be dead... "

As Billie Joe walked down the long dark corridor, it seemed like everything around him was a blur.
Everything was out of focus and seemed to slow down as the thudding of his footsteps grew louder to his ears and heavier, echoing and ringing inside of him.

I wish I could walk through, the doors of my mind.
Hold memory close at hand,
Help me understand the years.

He swallowed back a lump that had been there for a few minutes and was starting to swell about his glands.
Hitching his breath he continued to walk down the corridor, concentrating on the wall ahead that turned down another path.
Mike walked beside him, but slightly behind, watching how his best friend seemed so fazed out with the rest of the world and well, if he was honest, it was like he had had a slam of weed before they came here.

He was so, gone.

Turning around the corner, Billie Joe felt that every second grew slower, and the only thing he could hear was the constant pounding of his feet on the clean, crisp, tiled floor.
Before him he saw a bench, situated at the end of the corridor before a single white door that was across from it a bit.
He gulped as tired green eyes took in the surroundings, noting on how the door was obviously where he would be taken to see her.

To see Stef.

He didn't know what to expect, he was so nervous that he thought he might just throw up.
Reaching the bench and hesitating, he lowered himself down onto it with Mike next to him, who was keeping a low profile.
The bassist remembered how he had told Brittany last night about everything that had happened, and how he had felt better for getting it off his chest.
But part of him also felt guilty for exposing the secret.
The secret that had originally just been between the three Green Day members and Stef herself.
*
"Sure you can tell me anything babe." Brittany smiled, cupping her hand around the back of his neck soothingly.
He looked into her eyes deeply with his own tired blue eyes, wanting so desperately to find a way so everything could be back to normal again.
"I... we... Billie... " he sighed before drawing his hand over one side of his face. "Billie Joe's in trouble Brittany."
She raised an eyebrow. "What do you mean by trouble?"
"I... he just is... I don't know how to explain it to you but I'm worried about him." The bassist added.
"Is he trouble with Adrienne?" She asked, curious.
"No. Well, it's sort of got to do with that. He is now anyway... "
"Mike hunni, I don't know what you're saying. I don't understand-"
He cut her off, suddenly blurting it all out. "Billie Joe cheated on her."

Silence fell over both of them as it sunk into Brittany what Mike had just said.
"He... he cheated on her?" She asked totally surprised.
Mike looked straight into her eyes that looked betrayed because she knew Adrienne so well.
He nodded before looking down, avoiding her questioning eyes.
"Yeah."
"Who with? Someone he met on tour?"
"No, well, yeah... kind of... "
"I don't understand... " she told him again, raising an eyebrow, so unsure of what she was about to hear.
"Do you remember Stef?" He asked her, wanting to cry now.
She looked away as she thought before turning back to him. "Yeah, I do. Tre's girlfriend I met at Billie's birthday right?"
Mike bit his lip and guilty looked at his hands in his nervousness.
"Well, yeah... she... she wasn't with Tre to start with... she never was with him... "
He started to stutter across his words.
He knew there was no going back now. He had to tell her the rest.
"She never was with Tre?" Brittany repeated, trying to take it all in.

What's with all the fucking questions? Mike thought to himself. Why won't you just listen? And why do you have to repeat everything I say?

"How can she not be with Tre? I saw them, together Mike." She pestered, trying to make sense of it.
"Will you just let me explain?!" He snapped, glaring before frowning. "I'm sorry Brittany. It's just... "
He sighed heavily.
"It's just been so emotional for all of us right now, and... I don't think I can cope anymore keeping this to myself. Hec, look at me. I can't even... talk... " he blabbed, choking back tears now.
Brittany placed her hand to the side of her face and soothingly caressed it, hushing him.
"And I'm supposed to be the strong one, look after Billie, make sure he's ok and gets by every day. And I... I don't even know how Tre's feeling... I haven't spoken to him in days... I just... I need to tell someone... " He let a tear roll down his cheek.
Brittany brushed it away with her thumb, looking into the bassist's eyes that were full of sadness.
"Your telling me though right hun?" She tried to sympathise. "I'm here to listen to you."
Mike looked into her eyes like he had done so many times in the last 10 minutes or so.
He felt so sad, he loved her so much and all he wanted was for her to understand.
And for a split second, during that moment, he was able to feel what Billie Joe had been feeling for so long now.

Hurt, confusion, sadness, frustration.

"I... " Mike stuttered trying to hold back. "I just don't know how he's going to cope. I can't watch him suffer. It's just... she was such a nice person, even I can't understand it. I just wish I knew what to do Brit, I'm so clueless on what to do. So, so clueless... "
*

Mike looked out of the corner of his eyes to see Billie Joe slumped over, hunched and nervously fiddling with his hands.
He was slightly shaking and trembling, but was trying to let it go un-noticed.
But Mike still saw. He wanted to lean over and hug his friend so tight and assure him everything was going to be ok, but he couldn't.
He couldn't do that because he knew things weren't ok, and that he'd never be the same again.
Watching him carefully, he noted how he let out a shaky breath and bit his lip, his hands still shaking.

"Mr Armstrong?"
Mike's eyes snapped up and saw a middle aged man standing by the door in a white lab coat, a clipboard in his hand that was folded across his chest.
Billie Joe's head shot up and stared at him, everything inside of him dying.
"You're here to see the body of Miss Stephanie Ricketts?" He asked, as the pair of them continued to stare at him.
Billie Joe swallowed back a huge lump that was at the back of his throat, his hands suddenly turning clammy and starting to break out into a cold sweat.
He nodded quickly, not too much though; he couldn't bring himself to admit it fully that that was why he was there.

As the guitarist went to stand up, the man stepped forward and handed him his clipboard.
Billie Joe just stared at it, and then back at the man.
"We just need you to fill a few forms in for us before we take you in. You know, legal reasons and just to check we have everything correct."
Reluctantly, Billie took the clipboard and scanned it over quickly.
Taking the pen from underneath the clip, he slowly filled in the details that were needed and quickly handed it back to the technician.
"Good," he said checking it over. "I'll be with you in one moment."
He smiled briefly at them before turning round and back down the hallway, reading through what Billie Joe had just written down - his feet echoing down the hall just like Billie's had done.
And then a cold thought came over Billie Joe.

How can that man smile in a place like this? How can he go home at the end of the day and smile? After having just dealt with corpses and watching people suffer?

How can anyone stand there and watch as people break down over the ones they love when they're sprawled out across a table in front of them exposed to the max?

He just didn't understand it. And he didn't think he ever would for that matter either.