You Got Me On My Knees, chapter 20
I heard the doorbell ringing two hours later and I ran to answer it, hoping it would be Mike. But as soon as I opened two hands pushed me back and I fell on the floor, shouting.
"Are you fucking crazy?" I yelled at her, holding my stomach and trying to get up. I was pregnant for Christ's sake!!!
"I'm crazy? I'm crazy?" Anastasia was furious. Her hair was messy and the colour of her face was getting red and I probably had illusions but it seemed like her eyes were changing too.
"You take my husband and my daughter away for a so-called 'weekend away' and once you return he tells me he wants to divorce me because he's in love with you and that you're going to live together and Estelle is fucking thrilled about it and then you all disappear for a month and you come back and I find out that you're going to have my husband's baby"
Did I do and say these things? Yes I did. Are there any mitigating circumstances? Not really, unless any circumstances (in other words context) can be regarded as mitigating. And before you judge although you have probably already done so, go away and write down the worst four things that you have done to your partner even if-especially if- your partner doesn't now about themDon't dress these things up or try to explain them: just write them down, in a list, in the plainest language possible. Finished? Ok, so who's the arsewhole now?
"Calm down please I really can't fight you right now," I pleaded her.
"How do you explain all this hugh? You totally screwed me up down and centre!"
"I..."
"You what?"
"I love Mike. I've always loved Mike. I didn't do it to mess you up and it didn't happen when we were away for the weekend. I mean yes we slept together then but I've... I've been loving your husband since I was fifteen."
Thankfully, she had stopped yelling. Now she just had her mouth dropped.
"Before you told Mike that you were pregnant with Estelle things started happening between us."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean that he had brought another girl home and he had told everybody that he was serious about her and I was frustrated by this and Mike noticed and I finally admitted that I loved him and we slept together for the first time and we had even agreed that we were going to be a couple."
"Carry on."
"But then you called and said that you were having Estelle and I left. I moved out of the house and I got away from all of my friends."
"But then you came back."
"Yes because I couldn't stand not living the life I was used to and loved; I tried and I failed. Big time."
"So you've been fucking Mike ever since."
"No. Mike and I got back together that weekend. We first said that it was just going to be a two days thing but he asked me to be with him for longer and I agreed because I love him. I love him more than you love him. I love him more than anyone will ever love him and I'm being completely honest with you."
And then the craziest thing happened: Anastasia burst out in tears. Big, huge sobs like she was going to die or something. She was crying so much that she took me down with her.
"I'm sorry," I said, "I never meant to make you upset."
Even crazier: She threw herself at me and hugged me so tight it hurt and continued crying.
"Are you ok?" I was afraid she was losing it.
"I didn't want any of this to happen either." She murmured. "I never loved Mike. We dated for a little while and it was completely casual. You think I had dreams of my wedding being a five minute thing without my own family attending?" I wanted to comfort her but word of advice: Once a woman begins to let out her problems you just have to wait until she's finished.
"I didn't want to marry him. But I simply couldn't support myself as a single mother. At least now I know that Mike will take care of that."
Mike always takes care of everything.
"And the only reason I want the house is because I have nowhere else to go. My parents are in Europe. Not that they would take me anyway. And I want to be part of Estelle's life because even if I don't seem to, I love her more than anyone!"
"Of course you do! She's your daughter. And of course Mike wouldn't keep you away."
She sighed and finally went a little further away.
"I know he wouldn't."
There was a weird quiet moment when both of us (the mothers of Mike's children) looked down, trying to take in what each other had to say.
"I'm sorry I pushed you," she said.
"It's okay I guess. You had and still have every right to be angry with me."
"I'm not angry." It kind of took me off-guard the speed with which she answered. She didn't pause at all.
"I'm confused but not angry. I'll be able to leave it behind me after a while and maybe when I do we can finally be friends because I think you're the most awesome person I've ever met."
Wow. I didn't expect that. I definitely didn't expect that; not even in a fairy tale land.
"Thanks. Yeah I'd like to be friends with you once all this is over."
I believe it's time for me to tell you about Myla, Mike's sister and the person who could have been my best friend had the circumstances been different.
I had met her the first time I went to Mike's house. He invited me to show me some rare records he had, since by that time we had discovered our sharing passion collecting them and I had promised to get him some nice books because, believe it or not, Mike was going to some nearby college and he wanted to catch up on his reading.
Of course he didn't finish college but he read the books. (Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, Catcher in the Rye, The Fountainhead, Please Kill Me)
We were listening to Thin Lizzie's "The Boys Are Back in Town" when she entered his room, holding a tray with juice and snacks.
"El this is my sister Myla. She thinks I'm still ten years old and brings me food and orange juice."
I smiled at her and she left the tray down, shooting her brother a nice mock angry look.
"Are you Mikey boy's new girlfriend?" she asked, making me blush.
"Um, no, I mean I am a girl and I am his friend but we're not dating."
She shrugged and sat next to us on his bed.
"You really are his type though. You could totally be together."
"This is embarrassing," Mike sang to her.
"Okay, I'll shut up. It's just something to think about..." and then she left and winked at me.
"Sorry about that. My sister is determined to find me a bride." Mike laughed.
I grabbed a cookie from the tray and had a bite, smiling at him.
"It's okay. I think she's nice."
"How are you going to name my nephew?" she asked me now, before she yelled at her two sons, one six years old and the other four, to keep the noise down.
"You're convinced that I'm going to have a boy?"
"Honey the second I saw you I knew that you'd end up with my baby brother. What makes you think that I'm not right about this one too?" I looked at Mike and he shrugged.
"We're still between names actually. Mike likes John but I want something more original."
"That's why she's the author and I'm just a bass player," my boyfriend added and kissed my head.
"Well yeah. I like William but I'm afraid everybody is going to call him Billie and we already have a Billie in our company."
"And it could still be a girl," Mike reminded us.
"And if she's a girl we're going to name her Rachel. We both agree on that." We locked eyes for a moment and I rested my head on his chest, feeling good that I could finally behave like a proper normal girlfriend. Well of sorts anyway...
Billie was hardly saying anything to me.
He was going in his room and I could hear him playing his guitar but it was like I was invisible in his eyes. Except when I was making dinner because he was always hungry. Then I was semi-invisible if there is such a word. Mike was sleeping almost every day in my room, because we still hadn't found a house so Billie would just sneak out quickly and not say a word to us.
"You're being an ass," I snapped at him one day.
"Hugh?"
"I said you're being a fucking ass."
"Why?"
"First of all leave your fucking guitar down and fucking look at me when I talk to you."
In case you haven't noticed I use the word 'fuck' when I get angry.
"Ever since we came back from England you barely talk to me and Mike. Tre even."
"That's not true."
"A fucking Charlie Chaplin movie would be rambling in comparison to you!" I was worryingly increasing the sound of my voice.
"Billie, just tell me what's fucking bothering you so we can solve it and move on. Please." Trying calming down may prove to be effective.
"Fine!!!" Now Billie seemed kind of mad. "You and Mike having sex in the room next to mine, that's what's bothering me. You waking up everyday and fucking glowing like he makes all your fucking days, that's bothering me too."
In case you didn't notice Billie also uses the word 'fuck' when he gets angry.
"You knew I loved Mike I never hided it from you!"
"Yeah but that didn't stop us from having sex almost every night and how do you even know that the baby is not mine?"
"I know you asshole!! I'm having Mike's baby and I'm positive about it."
"What-fucking-ever."
"Billie you and I having sex, was great but it didn't mean that we were sharing a relationship. We had both said so."
"Yeah we said so and then we kept on doing it and people change their minds some times."
This is...something...gone mad. Blank gone mad. You know when people use that expression to communicate the fact that something OK has gone right out of control? 'This is democracy gone mad'. Well I want to use that expression but I'm not sure what the something is. North London? Life? The nineties? I don't know.
"You have no right to do this to me."
"What do you mean?"
"I am with Mike. I've been waiting for this for fucking eight years, since I was fifteen and you always knew. I am having his baby, he loves me, I love him and things finally seem to get better. Then you fucking tell me this and you endanger both my relationship with him and us two being friends. Not to mention you and Mike being in the same band. Congrats Billie really classy of you."
Come to think of it, I was right.
Why should everybody feel for the one who doesn't get loved back? Why doesn't anybody consider the fact that he's being rejected because the person he loves can not give anything back? I was the one who had to deal with everything thanks to Billie's lack of capability of controlling his feelings.
"El, don't shout anymore you might hurt your self and your baby." I stood silent and then sighed strongly, still frustrated with him.
"I hate you, for making me feel like this," I said and walked out of his room, barely managing to hold back a sob until I reached mine.
"Are you fucking crazy?" I yelled at her, holding my stomach and trying to get up. I was pregnant for Christ's sake!!!
"I'm crazy? I'm crazy?" Anastasia was furious. Her hair was messy and the colour of her face was getting red and I probably had illusions but it seemed like her eyes were changing too.
"You take my husband and my daughter away for a so-called 'weekend away' and once you return he tells me he wants to divorce me because he's in love with you and that you're going to live together and Estelle is fucking thrilled about it and then you all disappear for a month and you come back and I find out that you're going to have my husband's baby"
Did I do and say these things? Yes I did. Are there any mitigating circumstances? Not really, unless any circumstances (in other words context) can be regarded as mitigating. And before you judge although you have probably already done so, go away and write down the worst four things that you have done to your partner even if-especially if- your partner doesn't now about themDon't dress these things up or try to explain them: just write them down, in a list, in the plainest language possible. Finished? Ok, so who's the arsewhole now?
"Calm down please I really can't fight you right now," I pleaded her.
"How do you explain all this hugh? You totally screwed me up down and centre!"
"I..."
"You what?"
"I love Mike. I've always loved Mike. I didn't do it to mess you up and it didn't happen when we were away for the weekend. I mean yes we slept together then but I've... I've been loving your husband since I was fifteen."
Thankfully, she had stopped yelling. Now she just had her mouth dropped.
"Before you told Mike that you were pregnant with Estelle things started happening between us."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean that he had brought another girl home and he had told everybody that he was serious about her and I was frustrated by this and Mike noticed and I finally admitted that I loved him and we slept together for the first time and we had even agreed that we were going to be a couple."
"Carry on."
"But then you called and said that you were having Estelle and I left. I moved out of the house and I got away from all of my friends."
"But then you came back."
"Yes because I couldn't stand not living the life I was used to and loved; I tried and I failed. Big time."
"So you've been fucking Mike ever since."
"No. Mike and I got back together that weekend. We first said that it was just going to be a two days thing but he asked me to be with him for longer and I agreed because I love him. I love him more than you love him. I love him more than anyone will ever love him and I'm being completely honest with you."
And then the craziest thing happened: Anastasia burst out in tears. Big, huge sobs like she was going to die or something. She was crying so much that she took me down with her.
"I'm sorry," I said, "I never meant to make you upset."
Even crazier: She threw herself at me and hugged me so tight it hurt and continued crying.
"Are you ok?" I was afraid she was losing it.
"I didn't want any of this to happen either." She murmured. "I never loved Mike. We dated for a little while and it was completely casual. You think I had dreams of my wedding being a five minute thing without my own family attending?" I wanted to comfort her but word of advice: Once a woman begins to let out her problems you just have to wait until she's finished.
"I didn't want to marry him. But I simply couldn't support myself as a single mother. At least now I know that Mike will take care of that."
Mike always takes care of everything.
"And the only reason I want the house is because I have nowhere else to go. My parents are in Europe. Not that they would take me anyway. And I want to be part of Estelle's life because even if I don't seem to, I love her more than anyone!"
"Of course you do! She's your daughter. And of course Mike wouldn't keep you away."
She sighed and finally went a little further away.
"I know he wouldn't."
There was a weird quiet moment when both of us (the mothers of Mike's children) looked down, trying to take in what each other had to say.
"I'm sorry I pushed you," she said.
"It's okay I guess. You had and still have every right to be angry with me."
"I'm not angry." It kind of took me off-guard the speed with which she answered. She didn't pause at all.
"I'm confused but not angry. I'll be able to leave it behind me after a while and maybe when I do we can finally be friends because I think you're the most awesome person I've ever met."
Wow. I didn't expect that. I definitely didn't expect that; not even in a fairy tale land.
"Thanks. Yeah I'd like to be friends with you once all this is over."
I believe it's time for me to tell you about Myla, Mike's sister and the person who could have been my best friend had the circumstances been different.
I had met her the first time I went to Mike's house. He invited me to show me some rare records he had, since by that time we had discovered our sharing passion collecting them and I had promised to get him some nice books because, believe it or not, Mike was going to some nearby college and he wanted to catch up on his reading.
Of course he didn't finish college but he read the books. (Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, Catcher in the Rye, The Fountainhead, Please Kill Me)
We were listening to Thin Lizzie's "The Boys Are Back in Town" when she entered his room, holding a tray with juice and snacks.
"El this is my sister Myla. She thinks I'm still ten years old and brings me food and orange juice."
I smiled at her and she left the tray down, shooting her brother a nice mock angry look.
"Are you Mikey boy's new girlfriend?" she asked, making me blush.
"Um, no, I mean I am a girl and I am his friend but we're not dating."
She shrugged and sat next to us on his bed.
"You really are his type though. You could totally be together."
"This is embarrassing," Mike sang to her.
"Okay, I'll shut up. It's just something to think about..." and then she left and winked at me.
"Sorry about that. My sister is determined to find me a bride." Mike laughed.
I grabbed a cookie from the tray and had a bite, smiling at him.
"It's okay. I think she's nice."
"How are you going to name my nephew?" she asked me now, before she yelled at her two sons, one six years old and the other four, to keep the noise down.
"You're convinced that I'm going to have a boy?"
"Honey the second I saw you I knew that you'd end up with my baby brother. What makes you think that I'm not right about this one too?" I looked at Mike and he shrugged.
"We're still between names actually. Mike likes John but I want something more original."
"That's why she's the author and I'm just a bass player," my boyfriend added and kissed my head.
"Well yeah. I like William but I'm afraid everybody is going to call him Billie and we already have a Billie in our company."
"And it could still be a girl," Mike reminded us.
"And if she's a girl we're going to name her Rachel. We both agree on that." We locked eyes for a moment and I rested my head on his chest, feeling good that I could finally behave like a proper normal girlfriend. Well of sorts anyway...
Billie was hardly saying anything to me.
He was going in his room and I could hear him playing his guitar but it was like I was invisible in his eyes. Except when I was making dinner because he was always hungry. Then I was semi-invisible if there is such a word. Mike was sleeping almost every day in my room, because we still hadn't found a house so Billie would just sneak out quickly and not say a word to us.
"You're being an ass," I snapped at him one day.
"Hugh?"
"I said you're being a fucking ass."
"Why?"
"First of all leave your fucking guitar down and fucking look at me when I talk to you."
In case you haven't noticed I use the word 'fuck' when I get angry.
"Ever since we came back from England you barely talk to me and Mike. Tre even."
"That's not true."
"A fucking Charlie Chaplin movie would be rambling in comparison to you!" I was worryingly increasing the sound of my voice.
"Billie, just tell me what's fucking bothering you so we can solve it and move on. Please." Trying calming down may prove to be effective.
"Fine!!!" Now Billie seemed kind of mad. "You and Mike having sex in the room next to mine, that's what's bothering me. You waking up everyday and fucking glowing like he makes all your fucking days, that's bothering me too."
In case you didn't notice Billie also uses the word 'fuck' when he gets angry.
"You knew I loved Mike I never hided it from you!"
"Yeah but that didn't stop us from having sex almost every night and how do you even know that the baby is not mine?"
"I know you asshole!! I'm having Mike's baby and I'm positive about it."
"What-fucking-ever."
"Billie you and I having sex, was great but it didn't mean that we were sharing a relationship. We had both said so."
"Yeah we said so and then we kept on doing it and people change their minds some times."
This is...something...gone mad. Blank gone mad. You know when people use that expression to communicate the fact that something OK has gone right out of control? 'This is democracy gone mad'. Well I want to use that expression but I'm not sure what the something is. North London? Life? The nineties? I don't know.
"You have no right to do this to me."
"What do you mean?"
"I am with Mike. I've been waiting for this for fucking eight years, since I was fifteen and you always knew. I am having his baby, he loves me, I love him and things finally seem to get better. Then you fucking tell me this and you endanger both my relationship with him and us two being friends. Not to mention you and Mike being in the same band. Congrats Billie really classy of you."
Come to think of it, I was right.
Why should everybody feel for the one who doesn't get loved back? Why doesn't anybody consider the fact that he's being rejected because the person he loves can not give anything back? I was the one who had to deal with everything thanks to Billie's lack of capability of controlling his feelings.
"El, don't shout anymore you might hurt your self and your baby." I stood silent and then sighed strongly, still frustrated with him.
"I hate you, for making me feel like this," I said and walked out of his room, barely managing to hold back a sob until I reached mine.
