State of Mind, chapter 1
* 1986, Avondale Heights Melbourne, Victoria, Australia*
I woke up in my bed, cold and sleepy with the alarm buzzing in my ear. I sat up and looked at the time, it read, 8:25, I then went back into the sheets of my bed only to realize tat I had 20 minutes to get to school. I jumped out of bed, put some clothes that I gathered on the floor and put on me, and then I packed my bag and ran out of my bedroom door. As soon as I made it out I was tripped, for no apparent reason, just for the fun of it by my older sister, Nicole.
"Watch where you're going Isabel" she yelled at me as she stomped her foot on the ground and placed her hand on her hip. I couldn't be stuffed dealing with her so I rolled my eyes, shoved her out of the way and ran to school. I jumped over the shrubs of the school garden and looked up at the front of the school which read,
"Avondale Heights High School". Then I shoved my bag in my locker. I knew I was late because there was no one else around the corridors.
As I walked in the door, I made my way into homeroom. I looked around and saw everyone staring at me, including Mrs. Livingstone, with an un-impressed look upon her face. I made my way to my desk. Mrs Livingstone finally broke the silence by snickering,
"Why are you late?"
"Because I woke up late" I replied not wanting to get into things,
"Well that's not good enough, isn't it?" she spoke.
"No, im sorry, it wont happen again", I said, but I could really care less.
I sat quietly in my seat as she took the class role and read out the morning bulletin, not wanting to get in more trouble than I already was in. I wouldn't say that I was in her good books, id actually say that it was quite the opposite way. I don't know what it was about me, but this teacher just didn't like me, I don't think I had done anything wrong to start off with, maybe she just didn't like my attitude or my lifestyle, most people felt that way about me, even my own friends!
As soon as she left, I slouched over in my chair and attempted to start a conversation with one of my friends, Tash,
"So Tash" I started,
"How have you been today" I continued, just as she was about to say something, my other friend Jess interrupted out conversation by saying,
"So are you going to my party tomorrow night Tash?" I left our conversation as it was obviously getting no where and looked over the right side of my desk, and out the window. I wondered to myself 'since when is Jess having a party?'
As everyone was clearing their books and pencil cases to get off to their next class, I decided I should do that too as I was nearly the last one left in the class besides Jess and Tash, I gathered my books and looked up and seeing Jess and Tash walking out of the room together talking about god knows what. It was normal for them to not wait for me so I just went to the next alone. I started singing 'Blitzkrieg Bop', by the Ramones in my mind just to feel some time and cheer me up a bit. I did always feel that music could keep me going, which was true because I had already made it to my next class.
All the seats were taken so I sat up the back by me. We were in art, which I loved, mainly because you could bludge the whole way, but also because you could also involve the things you love into your work, such as the Ramones, Misfits and the Dead Kennedys. Not that anyone would have a clue that they were. So I sat around my bench, no one by my side except my books. I looked up and around the class to see who was sitting where, I saw Tash and Jess next to each other talking about their usual things like boys or make up and even how fat they thought they were. The only reason I guess I hung round with them was because they were the only ones who didn't shun me away or make fun of me, but lately I've found that they have.
I finally finished my work and handed it up to the teacher, I waited five minutes before the bell rang. So I gathered my books and went to my locker. As I was opening my lock I heard the bunch of people I hated most, Gemma and Ashley. They would always make fun of my lifestyle and call me "gothic", usually I would just walk away because I didn't feel like getting into a fight with them; it wasn't really worth it anyways. I just hoped they would leave me alone this time, but I was wrong.
"Hey Goth" Gemma started, she said while placing her hands on her hips and tilting her head to one side.
"It would be such a shame if you were to loose that gothic poster of yours, the Romans are they called?" she said sarcastically
"Actually they're called The Ramones, and yes it would be a shame if some dumbass were to take it" I stated proudly. With that she walked over to my locker door, grabbed the poster that sat nicely on my door, gave it a yank and ripped it off. Then she gave it to Gemma who shoved it between her fingers and ripped it right in the middle between Joey and Johnny. It broke my heart, my one true love of music and inspiration had just been shattered into pieces and was now lying on the ground.
"Ohh, I'm sorry, are those tears I see, don't feel too bad, the cant even play music anyways" Gemma said nastily. With that Ashley spat on the remains of my poster and then squished it in using her foot. Then they left me to pick up the remains ad throw it away. I stood back up and sighed. When will this end, why don't I give up, nobody likes me, no one is like me, and I will never meet anyone like me. If I left this world I don't think they would notice. Then with that I gathered my books and went to class.
I sat quietly by myself again. I had noticed my so called friends didn't save me a seat, this was becoming repetitive. I was beginning to hate it all, enough was enough. Nobody liked me and I had to do something about it. I was in Religion class. I always loved religion because our religion teacher would always go on trying to make us meditate and be quiet and relax ourselves, so I just sat there writing things on my arms, things like lyrics. One of my favourites would have to be The Blitzkrieg Bop, which would stick into my brain, it's like you needed surgery to get it out!
Just as class had ended, I was walking out the door when Gemma and Ashley came up to me, oh not again, don't they think they could just leave me alone? I mean how much of my time do they have to waste?
"Hey Goth, what's all that on your arm?" Gemma said proudly as if she owned me.
"None of your business!" I exclaimed. And with that I walked off, but then I found that someone had grabbed hold of my arm. It was Gemma; she had my arm, gripped firmly in her hand as she read aloud to everyone,
"They're forming in a strait line, they're going through a tight wind, the kids are losing their minds, The Blitzkrieg Bop, Hey Ho Let's Go?" She looked at me as I tugged for my arm back.
"What the fucking hell is your problem!" I yelled.
"You!" she said with a sarcastic tone in her voice.
"You're a freak of nature, fucked up, suicidal and gothic" she stated, not knowing who I was or what she was talking about. I just rolled my eyes and walked away. I really couldn't care less about her, I knew that I wasn't going to let people like her edge into my mind and make me worry. As I walked away I heard hey yelling
"Ohh yeah, just walk away when things get tough, that's just so typical Isabel, the Gothic freak" she stated proudly thinking she was some kind of tough teen. It didn't make it any better though, with practically half of my class watching us. I had taken in enough shit from her, I was sick of being pushed around by a bunch of teeny little preppy bitches, I'm gonna stick up for myself!
With that I turned my back around, walked over to her and said,
"Say that one more time to my face, you just might find you'll be picking yourself off the ground after it," I whispered into her ear with a dull expression on my face, then slowly I walked away grasping my books.
"Don't you try to fucking try to scare me with your bull shit Isabel, you're a fucking gothic dickhead, and someone must have dropped you on your head when you were born!" she yelled trying to grab other people's attention. With that I slowly but steadily turned around, dropped my books in a pile, walked over to her and stood there, just waiting.
"What? Cat got your tongue?" Gemma exclaimed
With all of my rage I clenched my hand to make a fist, and then I punched her right in the mouth.
"No, but I can tell it's got yours," I said with no trace of remorse or mercy. She fell to the ground instantly.
I then went to my locked feeling shocked but also surprised. Gemma wasn't so tough like she made herself out to be. I collected my books, put them into my bag and then just as I was about to close my locker door, my principal Mr. North came at me.
"What on earth is wrong with you Isabel" said Mr North with a very angry look upon his face.
"What makes you think you can abuse one of our finest students here?" Mr North said, I don't think he knew about anything.
"She had it coming. I'm sick of all of her and her friends, thinking they can own me, tell me what to do, they cant push me around, I am on my own here, so I don't need anyone like her in my way to destroy my world!" I debated proudly.
"That's it, I want you to come with me and apologize to her, NOW!" he yelled.
"NO" I firmly said
"COME NOW OR YOULL BE IN BIG TROUBLE" he yelled very angry, you could see the veins popping out of his bald head.
"NO, I'm not coming, I'm not sorry and I don't feel any remorse. I am not ashamed of what I did, and I won't apologize!"
"That's it, you have taken it too far, I do not tolerate people like you or want people like you in my school, you are expelled" and with that I packed up my things from my locked, placed them in my bag, then I spat at my locker and left.
I walked out of the school grounds feeling good about myself. I couldn't believe I actually stood up for myself. Not that anyone cared, they would have gone about their daily routine, I knew it myself that I would be expelled from doing that, but I could really care less because I hated that school, from the people who went there, to the teachers. Actually I was quite pleased with getting out of that shit hole!
I went home, the door was locked and no one was about so I figured that I should go through the faulty laundry window. I got the wheely bin and placed it under the ledge, I stood on the bin and held onto the wall for support, and then I opened the window and slid through it and into my house. I walked through to the kitchen to find my dad passed out on the floor with an empty bottle of Jack Daniels in his hand. I thought to myself, 'great, dads pissed again'. I then walked into my room, I found that half of it had been turned upside down, but I had no clue from what. I could practically trace the smell of liquor throughout my walls.
"Geez, this wouldn't be a first!" I proclaimed as it crushed my mood.
I then dropped my bag on the floor and started to assemble things back to where they belong. I looked around my room, on my walls, my bed, my desk and clothes then I looked up into the mirror. I saw my reflection staring strait back at me and I thought, 'is this where im going to live for the rest of my life, is this who I want to be. Nobody likes me and nobody will, I'm all by myself here. My mum is dead and my dad is always getting pissed.' I looked down at all my belongings, then back up at the mirror. I didn't want to live here anymore. And I was getting the hell out.
I woke up in my bed, cold and sleepy with the alarm buzzing in my ear. I sat up and looked at the time, it read, 8:25, I then went back into the sheets of my bed only to realize tat I had 20 minutes to get to school. I jumped out of bed, put some clothes that I gathered on the floor and put on me, and then I packed my bag and ran out of my bedroom door. As soon as I made it out I was tripped, for no apparent reason, just for the fun of it by my older sister, Nicole.
"Watch where you're going Isabel" she yelled at me as she stomped her foot on the ground and placed her hand on her hip. I couldn't be stuffed dealing with her so I rolled my eyes, shoved her out of the way and ran to school. I jumped over the shrubs of the school garden and looked up at the front of the school which read,
"Avondale Heights High School". Then I shoved my bag in my locker. I knew I was late because there was no one else around the corridors.
As I walked in the door, I made my way into homeroom. I looked around and saw everyone staring at me, including Mrs. Livingstone, with an un-impressed look upon her face. I made my way to my desk. Mrs Livingstone finally broke the silence by snickering,
"Why are you late?"
"Because I woke up late" I replied not wanting to get into things,
"Well that's not good enough, isn't it?" she spoke.
"No, im sorry, it wont happen again", I said, but I could really care less.
I sat quietly in my seat as she took the class role and read out the morning bulletin, not wanting to get in more trouble than I already was in. I wouldn't say that I was in her good books, id actually say that it was quite the opposite way. I don't know what it was about me, but this teacher just didn't like me, I don't think I had done anything wrong to start off with, maybe she just didn't like my attitude or my lifestyle, most people felt that way about me, even my own friends!
As soon as she left, I slouched over in my chair and attempted to start a conversation with one of my friends, Tash,
"So Tash" I started,
"How have you been today" I continued, just as she was about to say something, my other friend Jess interrupted out conversation by saying,
"So are you going to my party tomorrow night Tash?" I left our conversation as it was obviously getting no where and looked over the right side of my desk, and out the window. I wondered to myself 'since when is Jess having a party?'
As everyone was clearing their books and pencil cases to get off to their next class, I decided I should do that too as I was nearly the last one left in the class besides Jess and Tash, I gathered my books and looked up and seeing Jess and Tash walking out of the room together talking about god knows what. It was normal for them to not wait for me so I just went to the next alone. I started singing 'Blitzkrieg Bop', by the Ramones in my mind just to feel some time and cheer me up a bit. I did always feel that music could keep me going, which was true because I had already made it to my next class.
All the seats were taken so I sat up the back by me. We were in art, which I loved, mainly because you could bludge the whole way, but also because you could also involve the things you love into your work, such as the Ramones, Misfits and the Dead Kennedys. Not that anyone would have a clue that they were. So I sat around my bench, no one by my side except my books. I looked up and around the class to see who was sitting where, I saw Tash and Jess next to each other talking about their usual things like boys or make up and even how fat they thought they were. The only reason I guess I hung round with them was because they were the only ones who didn't shun me away or make fun of me, but lately I've found that they have.
I finally finished my work and handed it up to the teacher, I waited five minutes before the bell rang. So I gathered my books and went to my locker. As I was opening my lock I heard the bunch of people I hated most, Gemma and Ashley. They would always make fun of my lifestyle and call me "gothic", usually I would just walk away because I didn't feel like getting into a fight with them; it wasn't really worth it anyways. I just hoped they would leave me alone this time, but I was wrong.
"Hey Goth" Gemma started, she said while placing her hands on her hips and tilting her head to one side.
"It would be such a shame if you were to loose that gothic poster of yours, the Romans are they called?" she said sarcastically
"Actually they're called The Ramones, and yes it would be a shame if some dumbass were to take it" I stated proudly. With that she walked over to my locker door, grabbed the poster that sat nicely on my door, gave it a yank and ripped it off. Then she gave it to Gemma who shoved it between her fingers and ripped it right in the middle between Joey and Johnny. It broke my heart, my one true love of music and inspiration had just been shattered into pieces and was now lying on the ground.
"Ohh, I'm sorry, are those tears I see, don't feel too bad, the cant even play music anyways" Gemma said nastily. With that Ashley spat on the remains of my poster and then squished it in using her foot. Then they left me to pick up the remains ad throw it away. I stood back up and sighed. When will this end, why don't I give up, nobody likes me, no one is like me, and I will never meet anyone like me. If I left this world I don't think they would notice. Then with that I gathered my books and went to class.
I sat quietly by myself again. I had noticed my so called friends didn't save me a seat, this was becoming repetitive. I was beginning to hate it all, enough was enough. Nobody liked me and I had to do something about it. I was in Religion class. I always loved religion because our religion teacher would always go on trying to make us meditate and be quiet and relax ourselves, so I just sat there writing things on my arms, things like lyrics. One of my favourites would have to be The Blitzkrieg Bop, which would stick into my brain, it's like you needed surgery to get it out!
Just as class had ended, I was walking out the door when Gemma and Ashley came up to me, oh not again, don't they think they could just leave me alone? I mean how much of my time do they have to waste?
"Hey Goth, what's all that on your arm?" Gemma said proudly as if she owned me.
"None of your business!" I exclaimed. And with that I walked off, but then I found that someone had grabbed hold of my arm. It was Gemma; she had my arm, gripped firmly in her hand as she read aloud to everyone,
"They're forming in a strait line, they're going through a tight wind, the kids are losing their minds, The Blitzkrieg Bop, Hey Ho Let's Go?" She looked at me as I tugged for my arm back.
"What the fucking hell is your problem!" I yelled.
"You!" she said with a sarcastic tone in her voice.
"You're a freak of nature, fucked up, suicidal and gothic" she stated, not knowing who I was or what she was talking about. I just rolled my eyes and walked away. I really couldn't care less about her, I knew that I wasn't going to let people like her edge into my mind and make me worry. As I walked away I heard hey yelling
"Ohh yeah, just walk away when things get tough, that's just so typical Isabel, the Gothic freak" she stated proudly thinking she was some kind of tough teen. It didn't make it any better though, with practically half of my class watching us. I had taken in enough shit from her, I was sick of being pushed around by a bunch of teeny little preppy bitches, I'm gonna stick up for myself!
With that I turned my back around, walked over to her and said,
"Say that one more time to my face, you just might find you'll be picking yourself off the ground after it," I whispered into her ear with a dull expression on my face, then slowly I walked away grasping my books.
"Don't you try to fucking try to scare me with your bull shit Isabel, you're a fucking gothic dickhead, and someone must have dropped you on your head when you were born!" she yelled trying to grab other people's attention. With that I slowly but steadily turned around, dropped my books in a pile, walked over to her and stood there, just waiting.
"What? Cat got your tongue?" Gemma exclaimed
With all of my rage I clenched my hand to make a fist, and then I punched her right in the mouth.
"No, but I can tell it's got yours," I said with no trace of remorse or mercy. She fell to the ground instantly.
I then went to my locked feeling shocked but also surprised. Gemma wasn't so tough like she made herself out to be. I collected my books, put them into my bag and then just as I was about to close my locker door, my principal Mr. North came at me.
"What on earth is wrong with you Isabel" said Mr North with a very angry look upon his face.
"What makes you think you can abuse one of our finest students here?" Mr North said, I don't think he knew about anything.
"She had it coming. I'm sick of all of her and her friends, thinking they can own me, tell me what to do, they cant push me around, I am on my own here, so I don't need anyone like her in my way to destroy my world!" I debated proudly.
"That's it, I want you to come with me and apologize to her, NOW!" he yelled.
"NO" I firmly said
"COME NOW OR YOULL BE IN BIG TROUBLE" he yelled very angry, you could see the veins popping out of his bald head.
"NO, I'm not coming, I'm not sorry and I don't feel any remorse. I am not ashamed of what I did, and I won't apologize!"
"That's it, you have taken it too far, I do not tolerate people like you or want people like you in my school, you are expelled" and with that I packed up my things from my locked, placed them in my bag, then I spat at my locker and left.
I walked out of the school grounds feeling good about myself. I couldn't believe I actually stood up for myself. Not that anyone cared, they would have gone about their daily routine, I knew it myself that I would be expelled from doing that, but I could really care less because I hated that school, from the people who went there, to the teachers. Actually I was quite pleased with getting out of that shit hole!
I went home, the door was locked and no one was about so I figured that I should go through the faulty laundry window. I got the wheely bin and placed it under the ledge, I stood on the bin and held onto the wall for support, and then I opened the window and slid through it and into my house. I walked through to the kitchen to find my dad passed out on the floor with an empty bottle of Jack Daniels in his hand. I thought to myself, 'great, dads pissed again'. I then walked into my room, I found that half of it had been turned upside down, but I had no clue from what. I could practically trace the smell of liquor throughout my walls.
"Geez, this wouldn't be a first!" I proclaimed as it crushed my mood.
I then dropped my bag on the floor and started to assemble things back to where they belong. I looked around my room, on my walls, my bed, my desk and clothes then I looked up into the mirror. I saw my reflection staring strait back at me and I thought, 'is this where im going to live for the rest of my life, is this who I want to be. Nobody likes me and nobody will, I'm all by myself here. My mum is dead and my dad is always getting pissed.' I looked down at all my belongings, then back up at the mirror. I didn't want to live here anymore. And I was getting the hell out.
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