She's Holding on my Heart Like a Hand Grenade, chapter 1

I trudged through the dirty, rotting corridors and up the crumbling staircase and through one last gloomy hallway to come to a small graffiti covered bench about 10 meters from the entrance - which by the way was falling apart like the rest of the world I lived in - dumped all my shit on the ground, and sat down on the bench. Just another day in paradise... also known as high school.

"Fuck man, it's like your ass is fucking glued to that bench!"

"Man, you shouldn't communicate with the freaks, they might turn savage... "

"Yeah but I could smash his ass!"

They sniggered and walked off. I'm used to it though, you know, seeing as I get it every day of my life. But it's true. My ass kind of is glued to the bench; it's the only place I am comfortable, you know? And that's part of the reason I'm considered a freak. But I'm not the only "freak". Fuck, the school is apparently full of them - according to the slut faced whores and all the fucking I'm-so-gangsta yo people. All you need is a pair of glasses and you're a freak. I'm not saying I have glasses, which I don't, but you know, I don't exactly get along with many people and I don't really socialize like I'm apparently supposed to. So that makes me a freak... or maybe because I wear the same pair of black jeans and chucks every day and kind of whatever t-shirt is there. But that's me, I couldn't be screwed buying anything else so I guess to them I look like shit.

I sat there for about another 20 minutes or something and the bells ringing and all that but I couldn't be fucked getting up. Everyone was like grabbing their stuff and hugging and kissing each other good-bye and shit. I mean, come one it's not like you're never going to see each other again you only have to wait an hour and a bit. It makes me sick; I don't know how they stand it. I wondered how long I could sit there without anyone noticing... probably hours, I'm kind of invisible. Not like I care. I don't want to talk to them all anyway.

Well anyway, I sat there for I think it was an hour I wasn't really watching the time... when this teacher looked out the window and saw me still sitting there. I don't think he even knew me but he left the class to come see me. It was amusing actually, I was watching through the window and as soon as he left, the class turned into fricken monkeys. I was entranced watching them... I like monkeys, they're interesting.

"Billie Joe... BILLIE JOE! Listen to me!"

"Holy shit what?"

"Language! And please respond to me when I'm talking to you!"

Hah! What a fuck head. Why would I listen to a teacher when monkeys are so much more interesting to watch?

"Why are you sitting out here? Have you even been to class today? ANSWER ME!"

"Why do you keep going? Do you think I care? Look!" I pointed to the window where his classroom was.

"Oh my gosh!" he screamed and ran back inside.

He just kept yelling at the class, I could hear it, even from where I was sitting. This is shit why am I even still here? I got up and grabbed my bags and walked out of the school. I walked down to the local shops, not that it mattered cause I had no money or anything but you know, if I can't sit on my bench there's always the lift. I walked straight to the main lift made my way to the back corner. For a shithole of a town the shops were fucking huge. Does it matter that they were also falling apart? Anyway... I leant against the back wall and slid down it to the floor. I had always liked lifts, you know, seeing all the people come and go, even though I hated most. Not that it mattered cause I rarely saw any of them a second time.

I started to get bored so I started scribbling random words down on a piece of paper I found in the middle of the floor. It turned into this random song and I was quite happy with it so I shoved it in my bag and went home to write some music to go with it.

My mum started screaming at me - she apparently got a call that I skipped school again - not that I care; I just kept walking straight to my room while she's shouting "You're grounded! For a week! Oh, what's that? Don't give me that tone, a month now! Hah! How do you like that?"

She's like that so I just ignore her most of the time. I shuffled into my bedroom and locked the door - my mum hates the fact that there's a lock on the door so whenever I'm gone she tries to take it off but I always find it again. I dropped onto my bed, which is really just a mattress on the floor, and I started to write some of the lyrics from the song I was writing earlier onto the wall. That's how my room is. There's not much in it. Just a mattress a CD player, a few CDs and red walls covered in lyrics that either I love from certain songs or just lyrics I've written. Oh and there's my precious guitar, Blue. It's my most prized possession and if anything happened to it I'd die. My father gave it to me before he died and if you touch it - you're dead.

I picked up Blue and started strumming away, writing music for my new song, when there was a knock at my door. My mum goes, "Oh there's someone on the phone for you Billie... " She sounded really confused. And why not? I was too. I sat there for a bit like what the fuck? I have never had anyone call me in like... my whole life. And who the fuck has my number?

"Are you sure?" I called. It was probably a prank I thought.

"Mmmhm... " I managed to hear her mumble through the door.

Wait, school's out already?? But... maybe they're wagging too. The thought of this cheered my up a bit, so I carefully set Blue back on the stand and opened my door just enough for my mom to pass the phone through then I shut it again, half-nodding my head in half-appreciation. I answered the phone hesitantly, it was probably a prank. I really didn't need any shit right now.

"Um... Hello?" I said. Silence. This is great I really don't want this come on, whoever you are, say something.

"Hey... " Finally a reply.

"Who is this? And how do you know my number... and why are you calling??"

"Um... well I just wanted to tell you that... um... "

"Mmm... Spit it out."

"Well... I like you. I mean I really like you... "

What? This isn't normal. I have never even... yep, definitely a prank. I mean... I'm a freak right?

"Ok. This is stupid this is a prank call I know. I get it. Ha ha. You can go now." I laughed sarcastically.

"No! I'm not... oh never mind..."

"Yeah see? I knew..." But I didn't get a chance to finish cause I could already hear the dial tone.

It's just that no one has ever even told me that they liked me even as a joke. It's just too far apparently. Fuck it, I chucked the phone against the door and started playing guitar again. But I didn't feel like singing about my earlier song, so I started to write a new song about confusion and everything that I was feeling at the time. It was much better... so much better that the whole fricken song was on my wall. Up until then I didn't want anything out of life cause I didn't really care. But then I realized. I want to be in a band.

**

I don't now why, but somehow I found myself once again sitting on the graffiti covered bench the next morning half asleep. I had stayed up all night thinking, writing, thinking a bit more, sneaking a beer from the bar, and then thinking again. I couldn't sleep at the thought of the random caller and the excitement of what being in a band would be like.

"Hey! You wagging again man?"

"Huh? What?" I had dozed off. I sat up and rubbed my eyes trying to figure out who was standing in front of me. My eyes still hadn't adjusted to the light cause it appears I had my head stuffed in the side of my bag.

"Ooooh Mike... Whadidyasay?" I said clumsily. Mike was pretty much the only person I could actually talk to.

"I said are you wagging again... man... to be exact."

"Well I wasn't... what, do you wanna wag with me?" I joked.

"Yeah, sure man lets go somewhere else." He said.

"Hah! Yeah whatever I was just kid... " But I don't think he was listening cause he yanked my arm and pulled me up.

"You know I can get expelled for this. Two days in a row... "

"And you really care don't you." He said sarcastically and I started to laugh.

"Well I guess not seeing as I'm probably gonna drop out of school anyway. It's all a load of crap anyway." I laughed.

We were about to walk out when I heard this guy yelling.

"Why? You can't! Are you too good for me now? I can't believe you would!"

Ooh interesting. I turned around to see this guy standing there with this... dare I say it... pretty chick. Ok, so she was fucking beautiful... to me anyway. She had a nice shape like not fat but not anorexic skinny like a lot of the chicks at school, and her hair was dark, dark brown - almost black, with red streaks, and it reached about her shoulders and she had one of those fringes which I so desperately love, you know, the ones that are so long they cover one or sometimes even both of your eyes. And she was just wearing plain jeans, a band t-shirt and sneakers. Why had I not seen her before? He was yelling at her and everything. I guess they were going out or something, except I don't know how cause he was one of those I'm-so-much-better-than-you type people and she was so... simple.

"It's just not working... I mean it's not that I don't like you... I do... just there's someone else... " She trailed off.

"Oh that's great Samantha, you mean you're going out with someone else... while you're still going out with ME?" He shouted.

"No! I wouldn't... I would never! I just like someone else... more than you. You scare me sometimes..." Samantha whimpered.

"Fuck. How could you Sam? I've always been there for you... I swear... I'll kill you Sam."

"Don't say that." She started to back away. I could see the fear in her beautiful hazel eyes.

"I will. I mean it Sam. I will do it if I have to." He spat. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. I turned to see what Mike thought but he must have gotten bored of waiting for me and left. Samantha was squealing. I turned back just as the guy started to clench his fists and before I knew it, I was on top of him.

I didn't know I had it in me. I mean, I've been in plenty of fistfights but I've never been the one to start them... or win them for that matter. I really don't know what made me do it. I just had this sudden urge to beat the guy and I did. He did manage to get a few punches in, not as many as I did, but he sure punches hard. I felt like shit but also great at the same time. I kind of knocked him out. I was like, Oh shit I did not. The girl just stared at me. "Billie Joe!" She called just as I started to run to catch up with Mike. Wait... How did she know my name? Oh well, it didn't matter.

I finally caught up with Mike and he just goes "HOLY SHIT! What did you do?? It's like you're dying man! You look like crap!"

"Thanks" I managed to squeeze out. My lip was hurting really bad. I put my finger on it and winced. It was cut and bleeding.

"Shit seriously Billie, what happened?" He asked looking interested.

"I got in another punch up... " Shit my lip hurts...

"Crap man, who started it this time... " He said sounded bored. He was used to me getting into punch-ups and it was like the thing he always had to ask. Only this time it was different.

"Well... um... actually I did."

"SHIT MAN! You're not serious! You've never started the fight in you're whole life! Why? Whom did you beat up?" Noooooow he looked interested.

"I don't know... "

"Oh my god! Hah! You don't even know who you beat up??"

"It was just that guy that was arguing with that chick before you left. It was nothing really... "

"Yeah whatever. That guy was huge though. Did you win?" He laughed.

"Mmm, I knocked him unconscious."

Mike just stared. He didn't say anything to me for ages. He knew I never won, it just added to his amazement at how I started it too. Finally he laughed.

"Cool. Let's go now then." He said and we walked off.

**

I was grounded for 2 months this time. My mum went on like she always does, trying to lecture me about getting suspended... which I was. But not cause I wagged again, cause I got in a punch up. But they all thought he started it so I had the right to walk away so technically I wasn't wagging. I locked myself in my room not planning on coming out for the rest of the week. I was glad it wasn't an in school suspension, they're shit, I wag them too.

All I could think about for the rest of the night was that girl... Samantha. I wondered about what she thought of me seeing as I knocked out her boyfriend and all. Well I guess he wasn't really her boyfriend due to the whole break-up thing and I'm going to kill you now, which made me beat him up in the first place. Crap. Is that why I did it? Cause he was going to hurt her and I didn't want to see her getting hurt? But I don't normally care; it normally just amuses me seeing the random break-ups that happen at school. But she was different... but why? Did I like her? I don't even know her...

"PHONE FOR YOU BILLIE!" mum screamed up the stairs.

Oh my god not again. I grabbed the phone. "Hello?" I said.

"Hello Billie... " It was the same girl as yesterday. I can't believe she called again. "I just wanted to talk to you about today... " What was today? I don't even know her... then I realized. It was the chick at school. The same one that broke up with that guy... that I bashed... But why was she calling?

"Is this Samantha?" I just wanted to make sure.

"Yes... " So it was her! I couldn't believe she was calling... again! "Well, I just wanted to say thank you and I'm sorry about yesterday on the phone. I know you're not used to it."

"Well... um... " Oh my god... should I ask? "Did you mean what you said yesterday?"

"Yes Billie." HOLY SHIT! I couldn't believe it she said she liked me!

"But wait... didn't you say you liked someone else today when you were arguing with... uh... that guy?"

"YES! That someone is you Billie!" I couldn't believe it... literally. It couldn't be true.

"Ok... well I have to go... so uh, Bye." STUPID. Why why why...

"Oh... well good bye... " She sniffed.

Shit how could I be so stupid? Well I guess I wouldn't see her at school crap. Suspension.

**

Thank god for Mike. He talked to that chick for me on account of the fact that I couldn't cause I didn't get her number. He forced me to call her while he was at my house after school. I wondered what Mike had said to her that day cause all he did was giggle like a little girl while the phone was ringing and when Sam picked up she was also laughing.

"Heehee hello Billie."

"Oh my god Mike what did you say!" I yelled at him and dropped the phone leaving Sam hanging. Mike was just sitting there like...

"Oh nothing just a few little things you wanted me to say... "

"I DIDN'T ASK YOU TO SAY ANYTHING!! I just wanted her number so I could talk to her and... "

I could hear Sam through the phone on the ground. "Billie? I can hear you shouting. Heehee."

"Why don't you just come over and find out why then?" I said back into the phone again.

"Maybe I will." She said and hung up.

I was joking... but hopefully Mike didn't give her my address as well... Then I remembered.

"A BAND!!" I shouted and caught Mike completely off guard.

He seemed confused at first but I explained it all to him and what we could do and he seemed to like the idea. He said that he knew some guy called John that plays drums and everything so we could try it out. Immediately I showed him all the songs I'd written over time and he was amazed.

"I mean, I knew you played guitar but I didn't know you could write so well!" Mike said, stunned. I just smiled.

**

A couple more days went by and it was time to go back to school again. I hadn't seen anyone since that night cause my mum actually kept up with the whole "grounded" thing and she said she only let me see Mike cause he was "bringing my homework". I walked into school and I went to sit on my bench but there was already somebody on it.

"Samantha!" I gasped and ran up to hug her. I have absolutely no idea why but for some reason it was like she was my wife that I hadn't seen for ages or something. She just stood there like... what??

"Um... yeah, I don't know what that was I'm sorry." I seriously can't believe I just hugged her though! I hate it when people are like that!

"No, you don't have to be sorry. I liked it." She said innocently and smiled.

Oh my god. I new she liked me... and I really, really liked her too...

"Sam... Will you go out with me?" SHIT! It just came out and I really didn't want it to.

"Of course I will!"

OH MY GOD! First I ask (what the fuck?) then she says yes! I couldn't believe it! I've only asked out a couple of people but they never say yes. Like this chick I saw when I was at the library and I thought I could get her to go out with me cause she was ugly (I'm not desperate! It was just funny) and she like already had a boyfriend or something. Hah. It was so stupid. But this time I got a yes! I didn't know what to say to her so I just smiled.

**

About a month later we went out to a little café, just Sam and me and we had dinner. It wasn't anything special but I just loved being with her. Just before we left it started to rain like crazy. I was going to just sit it they're longer but Sam said not to worry about it. I couldn't help it, she was just so perfect. We paid and quickly ran outside to stand in the middle of the parking lot in the pouring rain.

It was beautiful, everything about that moment. I couldn't stand it, she was making me crazy.

"Sam... ?"

"Yes?" She said jumping around in the rain.

"I love you." I said and pulled her into a passionate kiss. I wanted to stay there forever, it was just so perfect. I couldn't believe I told her I loved her though... but I really did.

The rain stopped and it changed the feeling so much that I pulled away. Sam just stood there.

"Billie... I love you to." Ok screw the fact that there was no rain. I wanted her right then and there.

I probably could have had her too if Mike hadn't just randomly shown up. Talk about killing a moment.

"Billie! We got a gig in the biggest club in town!"

Could the day get any better?

**

We practiced in any spare time we had, and not cause we had to but cause we wanted to. We played a bunch of shows around the place whenever we could and we recorded our first album then John decided he was going to go to college so he kind of wasn't gonna be there enough so we found a new drummer, Tre. He was awesome. Our band was even more popular and Sam was so supportive and came to all our shows.

Except for one night which I really don't like thinking about. Anyway, this one time that she didn't come (she said she was too tired or something...) our show was cancelled anyway. They told everything and us when we got there, you know, not before we were all set up... At first I was like, great now Sam doesn't have to feel bad for missing it but Mike just goes "Hey! I got another gig at a different club!" Ok so maybe she does. We were up on stage and we were doing great as usual, and about half way through the gig just after we finished a song, I looked up and I saw Samantha walk in.

I was so happy that she made it. As we were walking off stage (we had a break cause it was half way) I started talking to Mike.

"Hey Mike I just saw Sam walk in a second ago. I'm gonna go see her ok?"

"Thought she wasn't coming... "

"Yeah I guess she decided to in the end. Hey where's Tre?"

"Uh... I think he said he was meeting this chick here tonight."

"Ok. Well I'm going to go see Sam. See ya!"

I was walking away when I think I heard Mike say something like "But we didn't tell her the gig was changed... "

I was walking through the crowds to find Sam when I saw Tre pashing this chick. I couldn't help but say something to him, it was amusing.

"Oh Tre... get a room."

He turned around looking completely shocked which kind of confused me at first. Then I saw whom he was with.

"Sam!"

**

I can't really remember what happened after that. I was in shock. I went to see Mike the next morning and Tre was at his house and he was all beaten up. He just stared at me then ran away. I walked over and sat down on the couch next to Mike to talk to him.

"Umm... Mike what happened last night... " I started.

He just sat there looking at me with an are-you-serious face. I just shrugged my shoulders and waited for an answer. He didn't say anything. He just got up and walked off into the kitchen. I was so confused I had no idea what was happening. So I called out to him.

"Mike, I'm serious what happened? What's going on?" I was getting desperate. He came back over and just shook his head.

"Look, I didn't want to have to tell you this but there's no one else is there? Anyway... well... we don't want you in the band anymore... " He mumbled.

I couldn't believe it. Seriously. I laughed at first thinking he was just joking and he just stared. I had to ask him what he said just to make sure I heard him right. And apparently I did and he wasn't joking. After all I put into the band... I mean, who was going to write songs or play guitar? Oh well, I guess that's their problem now. I didn't want to talk to him. I got up and walked out and it started raining again.

I just kept walking wherever my feet took me. All of a sudden I stopped to look up and I couldn't help but cry. I crumpled to the ground and let all the tears flow out of me. Why did I have to come here? And while it was raining... just like that night...

**

I stayed there for a week, eating in the café only when I had to, I didn't have much money seeing as I wasn't planning on staying there. But I did, and no one came looking for me. At least no one found me. I wouldn't have a clue if they were looking for me and I don't know why they would. Mike and Tre must hate me enough and I don't know why, and Sam obviously doesn't care at all considering what she did to me...

All I could do to pass the time was write. I didn't care that I wasn't in a band; it was my greatest joy, and my only. I've never lived on the streets before and I don't know why I stayed where I did. But I could imagine the guys, having so much more fun now that I was gone and Sam could be with Tre without worrying about me. But it killed me to think about it. Even after what she did, I still found some way to love her. When I said it, I meant it but she obviously didn't...

"Billie... man, you look like shit... everyone's been looking for you."

Aha now I'm dreaming that someone's finding me. Now I've gone completely crazy.

"Get off you ass Billie you got to come back. We all know you didn't mean what you did. Please just come back."

Or not dreaming, whatever. I looked up and Mike was standing over me.

"Why the fuck are you here? Do you really think I wanna see you or talk to you?" I spat.

"Look Billie I'm sorry. But we need you."

"Yeah what for?" I said sarcastically.

"The band... we need you back Billie. We're really sorry."

"Well you know I'm fine how I am right now so if you don't mind leaving... "

"Look, you don't need to stay here. We know you didn't mean to say those things to Tre about him being a shit drummer and everything... and then beating him up. I guess you were just going crazy... I know you haven't known him long but give him time... "

"WHAT?" I screamed. "What did I say to him? You are so full of shit Mike. I might have hit him but not for those reasons. Did you happen to see what he was doing? You know, before I jumped on him? He was pashing SAM. You know, who was my GIRLFRIEND." But you know, I was going crazy. And I couldn't stand being there. I swear if I were there any longer I would have bashed him. So I got up and walked off.

And Mike just goes "Oh." Yeah, I know, nice.

**

I didn't come out of the house for a while after that. Mike came but when I got told he was there I refused to see him. And I didn't take any phone calls. I just sat in my room with my guitar. I needed my music to get me through everything.

Finally Mike got through to me the only way possible. And that was apparently my window. I didn't even know that you could get to it but obviously you can. He knocked on the window so I kind of had to let him in. He came in and sat down and started talking to me about being in the band again... more like begging me, and how sorry everyone was, especially Tre. But you know what? I didn't care. I'd rather hear it from the actually person. So I told Mike to go.

About an hour later there was a knock at my bedroom door. Great, I thought, guessing it would be Mike again.

"I don't want to talk to you." I called.

"... Billie?" It wasn't Mike. It was Sam. I can't believe she had the guts to come here. I hated her but I still loved her at the same time. It was screwed up. She walked in. Apparently the lock was gone again. I couldn't help it and I just started crying again.

"Billie please don't. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry for what happened and I'm sorry I didn't talk to you sooner... "

"But... I love you... " I squeaked through sobs.

"I know... " She walked over and sat beside me on the bed and wrapped her arms around me. How much I wanted to feel her arms around me...

"I love you too Billie, I mean it, and I always have."

She took my face in her hands and turned me towards her. For a moment I stared into her beautiful hazel eyes and then we were together in a passionate kiss. And for a moment everything was ok.