My Biography I guess, chapter 1
Hello readers, this is not another one of my comical stories about being swept away by one of the members of Green Day. This is my story with no goddamn happy ending. All the names used in this recap of the past year have been changed. So I guess it all starts March 2005.
This is when I first started to be depressed, but unlike other people I didn't have a known reason for being depressed. It all started small like I'd be watching T.V. then I'd all of a sudden feel really down then it escalated to where I'd feel sincerely about scissors. I managed to keep my depression a secret from my family and friends and eventually the depression went away.
*November 2005*
I started to feel depressed again it didn't seem to be going away this time. This time was more severe. I'd spend hours in my room crying my eyes out and thinking about suicide. I became detached from my family but at school I still managed to keep up my appearances of being okay, even though I did start wearing more black.
At the beginning of December I got increasingly worse. I started to hate the way I looked and that started my infatuation with a guy I'll call Brad. Brad had no interest in me, I mean why should he. That's about the same time I started listening to Green Day. Green Day was my escape. I'd come home and listen to American Idiot for hours at a time and I stopped crying. My body image problem still remained though. I looked in the mirror and picked out every fault every single fault with my body. My whole life I've been naturally underweight, but when I looked in the mirror I still saw fat and ugly. I stopped eating normally. I'd eat a small breakfast (if I ate breakfast at all), a measly sandwich at lunch (which I rarely ate all of), and I'd pick at my dinner. The second aspect of my body image problem was my arm hair. It wasn't manly or anything and even I knew it wasn't bad, but no matter how much I knew that the amount of hair on my arms were normal I still shaved it off. Every time I passed the blade over my arm I felt like cutting myself, but I restrained. By the end of December my infatuation with Brad had ended, yet my depression and issues with my body image lingered.
At that time I was participating in my school's senior play. One of the other cast members was a guy named Zack. Zack was fun to talk to, he was amusing, funny and perverted. My time spent with him were all fun, games and pranks. Since I was one of the few people in the same grade as him so we were always together. So much so that people thought we were going out. Green Day music still remained my escape but Zack made the body image problems melt away. It just so happened that I'd crave the personal attention he gave me and my depression would rise if we didn't have enough rehearsals in a week. During this time my depression would sporadically appear, it would hit like a ton of bricks. I'd be crying, rocking back and forth, having breathing problems and the ever popular suicidal thoughts. Zack had no idea about my depression, he'd just be my secret sure.
I'm ever thankful for Zack, I first realized he was my cure when we had finished a major rehearsal and the director told everyone to sit down for feed back. I sat next to Zack (of course) and I was really tired so I lay my head on his arm and he didn't prank me or anything, he just let me rest. He was a true friend. He never judged me, I could hate everything he loved and he'd still be my friend. Of course we always teased each other, it would seem like judgmental taunts but we both knew they weren't. I love Zack. I love him as a friend. We're platonic and we both agreed to keep it that way. We each have our separate love lives (well mine is practically non-existent) and we just talk as if gender is not even an issue, we talk as equals on every level.
I'm still depressed and it's still insanely out of hand. I still shave my arms and go through weeks where I stop eating normal quantities. Basically nothing's changed and that's driving me nuts. I have the constant urge to run away, but unlike these GSB stories I won't be swept away by my punk in shining armor. I've stopped relying on Zack so much and I've started a band. My band is great, it distracts me.
This is when I first started to be depressed, but unlike other people I didn't have a known reason for being depressed. It all started small like I'd be watching T.V. then I'd all of a sudden feel really down then it escalated to where I'd feel sincerely about scissors. I managed to keep my depression a secret from my family and friends and eventually the depression went away.
*November 2005*
I started to feel depressed again it didn't seem to be going away this time. This time was more severe. I'd spend hours in my room crying my eyes out and thinking about suicide. I became detached from my family but at school I still managed to keep up my appearances of being okay, even though I did start wearing more black.
At the beginning of December I got increasingly worse. I started to hate the way I looked and that started my infatuation with a guy I'll call Brad. Brad had no interest in me, I mean why should he. That's about the same time I started listening to Green Day. Green Day was my escape. I'd come home and listen to American Idiot for hours at a time and I stopped crying. My body image problem still remained though. I looked in the mirror and picked out every fault every single fault with my body. My whole life I've been naturally underweight, but when I looked in the mirror I still saw fat and ugly. I stopped eating normally. I'd eat a small breakfast (if I ate breakfast at all), a measly sandwich at lunch (which I rarely ate all of), and I'd pick at my dinner. The second aspect of my body image problem was my arm hair. It wasn't manly or anything and even I knew it wasn't bad, but no matter how much I knew that the amount of hair on my arms were normal I still shaved it off. Every time I passed the blade over my arm I felt like cutting myself, but I restrained. By the end of December my infatuation with Brad had ended, yet my depression and issues with my body image lingered.
At that time I was participating in my school's senior play. One of the other cast members was a guy named Zack. Zack was fun to talk to, he was amusing, funny and perverted. My time spent with him were all fun, games and pranks. Since I was one of the few people in the same grade as him so we were always together. So much so that people thought we were going out. Green Day music still remained my escape but Zack made the body image problems melt away. It just so happened that I'd crave the personal attention he gave me and my depression would rise if we didn't have enough rehearsals in a week. During this time my depression would sporadically appear, it would hit like a ton of bricks. I'd be crying, rocking back and forth, having breathing problems and the ever popular suicidal thoughts. Zack had no idea about my depression, he'd just be my secret sure.
I'm ever thankful for Zack, I first realized he was my cure when we had finished a major rehearsal and the director told everyone to sit down for feed back. I sat next to Zack (of course) and I was really tired so I lay my head on his arm and he didn't prank me or anything, he just let me rest. He was a true friend. He never judged me, I could hate everything he loved and he'd still be my friend. Of course we always teased each other, it would seem like judgmental taunts but we both knew they weren't. I love Zack. I love him as a friend. We're platonic and we both agreed to keep it that way. We each have our separate love lives (well mine is practically non-existent) and we just talk as if gender is not even an issue, we talk as equals on every level.
I'm still depressed and it's still insanely out of hand. I still shave my arms and go through weeks where I stop eating normal quantities. Basically nothing's changed and that's driving me nuts. I have the constant urge to run away, but unlike these GSB stories I won't be swept away by my punk in shining armor. I've stopped relying on Zack so much and I've started a band. My band is great, it distracts me.
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