So Go Ahead and Kill Yourself! It All Amuses Me, chapter 20

Days passed end on end, blurring into each other. You can't tell what the time is or even the day of the week. You just lay there, ignoring even the air against your skin. Things pass before your eyes but you're not watching... you're staring.

People came and people went. Staying only a while to say they're sorry and then they move on - move on and leave you there to replay every moment through your mind. Every action, every word, every possible outcome ran through her head, as she waited. Waited to go home and curl up in her own bed, hide under her covers and cry for the one she lost and will never know.

The Welcome to the Black Parade jingle rang and rang constantly, every single minute of every day, now that people knew she was conscious. It was always Mike, Tre, Adie or one of the beautiful kids. But she never answered. Billie Joe always picked up and spoke briefly - She wouldn't talk to anyone but Tanisha.

Life had no meaning. It wasn't fair and as far as Tasha was concerned - It could fuck itself. I would have made a good mother, she thinks to herself every moment when she wakes.

When the light turns into darkness, she will lie awake, stroking her stomach - thinking of what she could have had... what she could have been and she weeps. Tears trickle from her eyes - burning her skin with their tracks.

"She has been losing sleep," they whisper outside the room and down the corridors. She knew that bit by bit, she was slowly killing her mind - but she couldn't care less. Her mind needed to mend... It needed to tie all the loose ends. It takes time but people don't understand that... they never understand.

She's leaving the hospital today, almost as fit as a fiddle except for some sore ribs. It wasn't the physical that was the worry on people's minds - It was the mental. Despite all the constant comments, Tanisha stuck by her friend and was adamant that Tasha was completely sane. After all Tanisha knew her better than anyone.

Pages upon pages had been scribbled on during Tasha's stay. Messy handwriting filled every line with lyrics, thoughts and feelings. Every slip of paper was kept under watchful eyes, never leaving Tasha's sight.

As of now, she's sitting on the edge of the bed in her own clothes, legs hanging over the edge, barely touching the floor. Her gaze was focused on the clock, watching the seconds of the plastic object hand tick round and round.

She was waiting again - waiting like she had been for weeks. Halfway across the room, Billie Joe sat in his seat. His eyes watched Tasha's legs swinging back and forth. Dark stubble covered his chin making him seem rough and manly.

He scratched his cheek glancing at the clock for himself. His teeth dug into his bottom lip in annoyance as the dull thud of shoe hitting metal throbbed though his head. The slow tick-tick of the hospital clock added to his frustration and the indifference on his daughter's face grated at his troubled mind.

Tasha took a deep breath, holding it for 5 seconds before letting it escape leisurely. She watched all her efforts pay off as Billie Joe growled and began tapping his foot rhythmically. Tension in the room kept building. It weighed down on them like a giant weight pressing on their shoulders.

"Sooo...You glad to be getting home soon?" Billie asked, scraping the barrel frantically for a small thread of conversation. His efforts would be fruitless he realised as he watched Tasha's back tense underneath her My Chemical Romance shirt.

He made a note to himself and began listening to the clock fill the room. He hesitantly opened his mouth to try again. "So... are you?"

Tasha's head twisted round to look straight at him. Dark hair draped over half of her haunted face keeping it from all view, leaving a dull emerald gem staring at him brokenly. For a second she opened her mouth slightly, the beginning of a sentence forming in her throat.

A wave of emotion rushed thought the room and pain radiated from Tasha's still form and in a split second her pale lips closed on her moment of weakness. Her bottom lip quivered quietly and her head snapped back round whipping strand of hair across her face. There was a feeble knocking sound coming from the door and Maddy's head peeked round the side.

"Everything's ready for you. You're finally free to leave," she smiled widely. Her attitude was lively and bouncy. Her feet practically couldn't stop leaving the floor.

The second the words left Maddy's mouth Tasha had hopped from the bed with more grace than her body could express. Billie Joe peeled himself from the chair as he watch Tasha saunter over to Maddy and wrap her arms around the older woman's frame tightly.

"You are entirely welcome Natasha, it's been lovely tending to you," she whispered as Tasha pulled away with a subtle turn of the lips. Billie stumbled to where they stood. Maddy smiled her special smile at him. Her smile made you seem like you really matter, you're not just a patient... you're a friend.

"It's been a pleasure talking to you Mr. Armstrong and thank you so much for the autograph for my son. He really does admire you," she said as she shook his hand firmly.

"Anything for my fans, and call me Billie Joe like I asked you to," he told her as she went to thank him again. They stood awkwardly for a moment before Maddy took charge and began leading them down corridors, chatting friendly to Billie Joe. Tasha was watching her feet walk slowly, drowning out the world around her again.

So it came as a surprise to her when they stopped at the glass door of the hospital entrance/exit. She was breathing harder than before, unused to the physical workout of walking for extended periods. "Your taxi's waiting outside, just like you asked for."

"Thanks. Being American I find it hard to drive on the left side," Billie joked as Maddy turned to walk back inside.

"I do. It was a pleasure meeting you Billie Joe. Take care of yourself Tasha."

With those few final words she swept back down the corridor they came from and went back to her duty, leaving father and daughter alone. Letting out a deep breath, Billie stuffed his hands in the back pocket s of his jeans and leaned backwards, looking anywhere but at the young woman slouching beside him.

He glanced uneasily back into the hospital hoping for someone to help him in the unfamiliar territory of his emotional, teenage daughter. With no help in sight he fell into an uncomfortable and edgy silence.

"Err, it's just a suggestion but would you like to go somewhere now, 'cause the meters running!" shouted the elderly taxi driver from inside an SUV. He sat in the driver's seat patiently tapping his fingers to the radio.

As if finally realising the taxi was waiting, Billie Joe done a quick double take and flew into action. He opened the car door for Tasha and quickly ushered her hesitantly inside.

He exchanged a quick word with the driver and climbed into the opposite door, dodging side to side in an insane attempt to move out of the way of car's driving past. As the cold door slammed shut after he hoped in, he stared straight at his daughter. He watched her sitting completely still like a statue.

"So, where are you heading to?" the driver asked from the front as he started the car and pulled out into the streets slowly. The elder rocker looked to his daughter for the road number he knew she knew that he knew. Nothing came - She remained unmovable, her eyes fixed on a spot on her clean jeans.

"13 Caulfield Close, dude," Billie breathed out, finally conceding to his daughter's wish of silence and in his fight to make her talk to him again - at least for now.

Once again, like a plague of mist and fog, silence filled the atmosphere in the car chocking all inside. It was broken only by the driver as he hummed to a particularly lively tune on the radio.

Tasha shifted her gaze to watch Billie Joe out of the corner of her eye. Like a fish out of water, she opened and closed her mouth, almost on the verge of speech. But the pain, guilt and utter misery pulled at her heart again.

Suddenly the house came into view over the horizon. She could see the clean and neat flowerbeds lining the green and lush lawn perfectly. The immaculate white walls of the house shone out from all the others in the street. The wrought iron gate stood proud like a soldier, guarding the driveway.

As they drew closer, Tasha could begin to hear the gentle hum of Mrs. Fornly's lawnmower. She could smell the trimmings of recently cut grass and the aroma of freshly baked cookies. The sound of a Child's laugher sung in her ears, the root of tears pooling at the edge of her eyes.

As the car pulled up outside the gate and the driver began spouting off a fee, the kids from down the street came running past, playing with their toys, laughing and smiling together.

As Tasha's first interaction with children since the incident, it stung deeply; the grief of loss was still too near. She sprung from the car to watch them more closely. Her eyes concentrated on her 5 year old friend called Jake. His blond hair bounced as he ran to try and catch up with his older friends, but his toy car slipped through his fingers - crashing to the floor.

He stopped running and bent down to pick it up. Tasha couldn't stop herself from watching him as he stood back up. As he glanced up their eyes connected. He grinned toothily showing gaps in his teeth making her lips twitch into a small but delicate smile.

He waved frantically at her just like he always did and ran off after his friends, but not before giving one last smile. Feeling moisture, she quickly brushed away a tear that had fallen.

Looking to the side of her she saw her father watching her with guarded eyes. "We should go inside," he whispered to her as the taxi drove off down the street. Touching her elbow gently, he guided her to the front door of the house. He pushed it open and stood aside... allowing her to walk in first.

She stumbled into the quiet hallway, dragging her feet along the ground. She hissed as her body stiffened while she moved - The pain in her ribs was back with vengeance. The quiet was really deafening her now. Almost ready with her ear drums to burst she glances back at the front door. There was no sight of Billie Joe... but the door was closed.

Shrugging off this, she made a move for the stairs towards her bedroom. As her feet touched the first step on the stairs, an explosion of sound and colour surrounded her. Her heart pounded in her chest as white hot emotion violated her.

She spun around wildly, ignoring the throbbing pain in her sore ribs. Her family and friends were gathered in front of her with party hats and smiles. A sudden feeling of hurt coursed through her veins.

'How can you smile when I feel so much sorrow?'

Coldness struck her hands and crawled up her arms, chilling even the bone. Her face remained still and unemotional as she watched her family smiling at her. They were holding a banner between them.

Her mum was the first to rush over to her and drag her from the stairs into the crowd of people. She grabbed Tasha in a tight hug. "Sweetheart I'm so glad you're back," she whispered into Tasha's delicate ear.

Everyone took a turn to greet her, hug her and talk to her. But that's just what they did - they talked and she pretended to listen to their words. As Tasha at long last reached Tanisha, she watched her friend stand there awkwardly as if awaiting a beating. Finally Tanisha lifted her eyes and attempted to look at her friend.

Their eyes connected and in a split second Tasha had swung herself into her best friend's arms, burying her face away from the world. "I'm sorry," she whispered.

"I tired to tell them a party wasn't a good idea," Tanisha whispered back to her friend. "No one will blame you if you want to go upstairs and sleep."

"Yes they will," Tasha cried.

Tanisha gently stroked her friend's hair offering a small bit of comfort in the crowded room. "No they won't," she replied forcefully. "Go up the stairs and lay down. I'll tell them."

Tasha's small hands wrapped tightly onto Tanisha's arms, as she clung to her friend. "Tell them I'm sorry. But it hurts too much. Please." Feeling Tasha's grip tighten, Tanisha started to pry her arm from the strong grip.

"Don't worry, they'll understand. Go upstairs and sleep."

Carefully as if afraid, Tasha gently tip toed her way out of the room, walking past people confused at her abrupt departure. As she stepped through the doorway into the hall, there was a sudden surge of conversation.

Cries of "where is she going?" and "Why is she leaving?" were heard from her distant family who did not know Tasha all that well. As she slowly climbed the staircase, she heard Tanisha shouting at people for slagging off her manners.

A knowing surge of pride rose in Tasha's heart at the courage and love of her friend. She grabbed onto the banister as a sudden wave of dizziness assaulted her senses and she swayed on the spot.

A mad rush of adrenalin shot through her system and she fled from the voices of criticism. As she sped into her room the last words she heard were from Mikey's grandma.

"If your daughter wasn't such a slut Issy, then she wouldn't be in the position she is now... Loosing a baby at the age of 16. What is this world coming to?"