So Go Ahead and Kill Yourself! It All Amuses Me, chapter 9

Recap

Shaking my head slowly I start dialling my dad's home number. Tre placed his hands on my shoulders in a comforting gesture. Taking a large breath I raise the phone to my ear and listen to the ringing on the other end.

The phone was picked up and a voice spoke out.

"Hello?"

End Recap

"Hello?" The voice asked again slightly inpatient this time. It took a second for me to realise whose voice I was hearing.

"Hello?" the person on the other end asked again. Clearing my throat quickly, my breathing seemed laboured, even to myself.

"Hi Adrienne," I spoke lightly into the phone. Tre pulled out one of the stools and sat down heavily on it.
"Tasha? Is it really you?" She asked brightly.
"Yes. It's me" I replied feeling more confident by the second. A grin reached my face as she squealed excitedly.

"Oh! It's so good to hear from you. It's been such a long time. How are you?" Adie asked kindly. I love this woman she's such a great person, and Oh My God we have a laugh when we get together.

"I'm doing great. All my exams are over and done with so it's all about fun at the moment. How's it going with you, Warden?" she giggled lightly at my given name for her.

"Well I feel like a prison warden with keeping an eye on my boys. Billie Joe's no help. I might as well have four kids" she joked.
"You only have two kids. My dad surely can't be as bad as two children"

"I was talking about you sweetie. You might as well be my daughter, I certainly think of you in that way." she spoke slowly. I didn't say anything for a while trying to absorb what she was telling me, my ears picked up the sound of her fiddling about with her clothes, which signified to me that she was worried about my response.

My eyes started to water and I rubbed at them frantically to avoid tears falling. "Tasha?" she asked with worry lacing her voice.
"I'm still here Adie. I... hold on a second..." I stopped and motioned for Tre to step out of the room.

He nodded solemnly and lifted himself off the chair slowly and made his way out of the room tripping on a rug on his way out. When he was out of sight and hearing range I turned back to the phone.

"Adie I... Thank you so much. You have no idea how fucking amazing that is or how much it means to me."

"I think I do, but anyway how's your mom doing?" she said, "She's good. She's really busy with all her clients and Leo and Mikey are doing great before you ask. How are Jake, Joey and my Dad?" I questioned, desperate to know how people were doing in Oakland.

As soon as the question left my mouth, Adie launched into a detailed report about how Jakob was going to be the lead in the school play 'Peter Pan' and how Joey had made it into the school soccer team.

"And your dad's been alternating between writing some new songs and spending time with Jake and Joey. Would you listen to me I've been giving you a play by play of life over here when I should be asking you about England. So go on tell me what's been happening"

I laughed nervously wondering whether I should tell her "Well. My bands been offered a record deal with Interscope... and we took it." Silence was heard on the other end of the line.

"Adie?" I asked and there was no response. "Adie?" I was starting to worry about her when a thrilled scream echoed down the phone line. "Oh My God Tasha. That's fabulous. I'm so proud of you. Interscope huh? Wow! I... I have to tell your dad"

"Wait! Adie!" I cried out.

Too late. Adie had placed the phone down. I could hear her footsteps running through the living room and I heard the kitchen door open quickly. I heard Adie start talking but wasn't able to make out what she was saying. Everything went silent.

Biting my lip, I waited. There was the sound of distant murmuring and footsteps came sounding back.

The phone was picked up and I called out able to wait for the other person to speak first "Hello?"

"N-Natasha?" My Dad's voice sounded down the phone line. "Hi Dad."
"Adie just told me about Interscope. Is it true? Your band really got a record deal?" he asked gently.

A loud sigh left my mouth "Yeah we did, we're really excited. Is that so unbelievable?" I asked slightly insulted that he didn't think it could be possible.

"No, that's not unbelievable, I know what a great musician you are." he replied seemingly expecting what I had said.
"Sorry I snapped. It's just I haven't talked to you in ages and the first thing you said to me didn't seem very happy and supportive." I felt ashamed with myself for messing our conversation up before It had even started.

"Well then. Let's start again shall we. Oh my god sweetie, that's great! I'm so proud of you" he spoke with great enthusiasm and joy. The leather of the kitchen stool started to stick to my ass so I shuffled around trying to get unstuck without dropping the phone.

"I hear shuffling! Is Tre groping my daughter's ass again? Cause If he is, I'll kick him in his ball." he joked. I thought I should get some information out of him while I can, "No Tre's not groping. But Mike is." I laughed trying to disguise the seriousness in which I said this.

"He best not be." he laughed it off. "You don't have to worry about Mike, dad. He would never do anything he felt was wrong," I said.

"I know. He's my bestestist buddy." I giggled and brought the tone of my voice down to let him know that I wanted to talk serious. "Dad, why didn't you come down with Mike and Tre? Didn't you want to see me?"

He sighed long and drawn out. He did not speak for several minutes and I just waited, not caring how long it took. I was going to get an answer. "Sweetie... you need to understand."

"I understand!" I loudly broke off his sentence, not wanting to hear that I was a kid who didn't understand 'grown-up problems.
"I don't think you do understand. I have two kids out here and a wife. I can't just drop everything to come and see you all the time." he sounded stressed, but I was in my 'fuck everyone mood' now because of him.

"But you never come out here! You say you do but you don't." I howled.
"Look. I love you but I'm very busy and besides Jake and Joey..." I interrupted his sentence again trying to make him understand how I was feeling.

"Mike and Tre have kids and they came out here!" I cried out. He just brushed off what I had said and continued his speech.
"Jake and Joey begged me to stay and help them learn lines and practise soccer." he was starting to get worked up as well.

"So If I begged you to come out here, would you?" I asked hostilely. I was frantically waving my one free arm that wasn't holding the phone. Right now I wished that I hadn't sent Tre out of the room. I wish Mike were next to me offering me his comfort.

"Let's not fight and get stressed out now. Not over the phone when we can't comfort each other."
"Fine, if we can't talk about our relationship problems over the phone when can we talk about them?" I asked feeling put out and alone in the cold room with no one in the room just someone on the phone.

"Tasha. We don't have..." he started.

"You know what. Don't answer that. I only want to spend my time with you, but you can't do that can you?" I was ranting I knew that but I couldn't stop.

"Natasha... . Please... . don't get upset" he pleaded. "It's too late for that now! Put Adrienne back on the phone please"

"Tasha" he said. "Put Adrienne back on." I repeated forcefully.

"Baby girl..." he tried hesitantly. "I'm not a little girl anymore. You missed your chance. I want to talk to Adrienne" It was spiteful but I couldn't help it. A piece of my heart was missing and it hurt me emotionally. A part of me wanted to make him hurt as much as I was.

"Tasha?" he repeated again, nothing was showing through his voice. It was monotone. "Put Adie on the phone. I want Adie! I want Adie!"

There was movement on the other end of the phone, but I was concentrating on the door leading out of the kitchen, looking for a sign of anyone being there.

"Tasha? It's me Adie. You wanted to talk to me," she asked carefully as if sensing my distress. "Yeah I did. I love you like my mother. Can you keep a secret?" I asked almost silently.

"Of course I can keep a secret. What is it?" she spoke softly. "It's about my band. Well, you see because Interscope is more firmly rooted out there in America, we're... moving out to California."
"Really?" She seemed excited. "Yeah we're actually doing it, I'm so excited about finally going back home"

"I'm so glad about that, But why is it a secret?" she enquired.
I stuttered at first "W-Well. I-I just don't want my dad to know just yet. I don't really know why but I don't think it's the right time, to tell him."

"Where are you going to stay? What part of California are you moving to? You should move in with us, it would be so great."
"Wait wait wait Adie slow down. We haven't decided much yet. But when we do I'll be sure to call and let you know... " I attempted to reassure her. "... And as for moving in with you. well... All 4 of us? I don't think that would work."

"Oh. I understand Tasha." she began sounding rather down trodden.
"Hold on Adie, I didn't mean it like that. I'm honoured that you asked me and I would've loved to stay, but I'm kind of trying to cement my own roots somewhere and be my own person for once, you know what I mean?"

"Yeah I get it... live for yourself and make your own success. I completely understand, I have my own question... "

Adie lowered her voice to a lesser pitch. "... Do Mike and Tre know?"
"Yeah, they know. I kind of told them. Listen Adie, I'm really tired right now and I think I'm gonna go. I'll get in touch sooner this time and you can call me you know"

"Oh I will things have just been hectic. I should've realized you would be tired. Wait Tasha! Your Dad wants to talk to you before you hang up. Will you speak with him?" I nodded, but then realised she wasn't in the room. "Okay." The exchange of the phone was the quickest it had ever been.

"Tasha?" He called out to me frantically "Yeah?" I asked warily. "When Mike and Tre get back here. I'm coming out there to see you because you want me too." This news should've made me happy, but instead of that it hurt like a knife slicing through wrists... not that I know how that feels.

"I don't want you coming out here because you feel that you need too. I want you to want to see me. Is that so hard for you?"
"No. It's not hard. I always want to see you. I love you, you're my little girl and I never want to be without you. I suppose I just need a little push out the door sometimes." I could hear his sincerity coming out in waves as he spoke to me.

"A little push?" I asked incredulously. "More like a huge hot air balloon sized push." I joked trying to reduce some of the emotions he built up in me with those few words. There was silence on the other end of the phone and I grew worried.

"I'm sorry." I burst out. He laughed and that really ruffled my feathers. "That's not funny! I was being sincere and you just blew it off, thanks a lot!"

"No sweetie, I just found it ironic how you were apologising to me when it should be the other way round. I love you and I'm sorry that we've been drifting apart. I really am. We're gonna really make up for it next week. I promise." he sighed after his long ramble.

"Thanks Dad, but you're not all to blame, I deserve some of it." I earnestly replied. But he continued to accept the blame.
"No you don't. It's my fault and that's the way it is."

"But..." I started

"No Buts missy. Now you're going to go to bed get some sleep and I'll see you soon." he said fake commandingly.

"I suppose I should..." I murmured while trying to hide a yawn "Ah ha, I heard a yawn. It may be the afternoon for me, but it's late for you. Bed."

"Yes Sir! Just so you know I'm saluting you right now. Good Day dad. I love you, but you already know that."
"Good night sweetie. May your dreams be filled with Green Day." He hung up with that final thought.

I replaced the phone and stood alone in the dark kitchen, wishing that my dad was still on the line. Tip toeing to the kitchen window, I gazed out into the garden. The moon was full and high in the dark clouded sky. It flooded the garden with an eerie glow, lighting up the pathway in a blaze of gold, yellow, white and green. The flowerbeds were outlined with a shining of silver giving the garden a dreamlike quality.

Feeling a sudden Urge to go outside into the night, sit on the ground and admire the atmosphere, I make my way to the door leading to the back garden. The handle of the door was cold on my hands but I pushed the door open ignoring the chill.

The warmth of the air hit me in waves. I took a few steps on the cold ground which was a stark contrast to the warmth of the air. The smell of the jasmine that my mum and I had planted when we first moved here assaulted my senses, making me feel 6 years old again.

I made my way over to the rustic looking bench in the corner of the garden that overlooked the entire sight of the garden and took a seat. I closed my eyes and just listened to the pure silence of the darkness, when my eyelids fluttered open I swear that I could almost see my dad and I teasing each other on the swing set that I got for my 7th birthday.

A smile eased its way onto my lips whenever I remembered that particular day. As I just sit thinking. I can almost feel my heart grow heavy, like there's an increasing weight on my chest, pulling me down into the depths of pain.

It grows heavy with the weight of the guilt I feel. Guilt for the hurt I caused my father.

It's my entire fault. It shouldn't be this way. It hurts so much on the inside. That's the worst type of pain; it's the pain that no one sees. I'm drowning on the inside, but you can't see it. The ache is always there, inside, the physical pain heals and stops hurting. "But not the inside..." I murmur into the air almost silently.

"Tasha? Natasha? Where'd you go?" The voice shouted sounding from inside the house, calling out to me. I stayed silent hoping to remain unnoticed so I could enjoy the peace and pain by myself.

"Guys she's not in the kitchen! I can't find her!" the voice called out again but more frantic this time. I smiled when the shouts became clearer and I recognised Mike's voice.

"Maybe she went to bed." another voice sounded "No can't have done she wouldn't have been able to get past Tre without him seeing her." one more voice chipped in. I heard more arguing to which I zoned out.

I can vaguely hear the voices of my friends start calling my name getting further away and louder once again.
"Maybe she's in the garden." I heard Tanisha suggest.

"Yeah, let's go check out in the dark garden." Andy said sarcastically "I'm sure she's go out there... Not!" I glanced towards the kitchen window to see if they would be able to spot me. When I looked to the window my eyes fixed with a pair of blue eyes and the face of Tre Cool.

"Looks like you were wrong Andy... cause there she is." They all crowded to the window and then to the door. In a matter of seconds they all flocked around me Mike to my left, then in a semi circle it was Tanisha, Tom, Andy and on my right was Tre Cool.

Then came a flow of questions from different people "What are you doing out here?", "What happened with Billie Joe?", "Why didn't you answer when we called?", "Are you okay?"

I put my head in my hands trying to shake off my confusion. "Erm... I needed some space... We talked and he's coming out next week... Because I needed to be alone for a little while... I'm fine! Are you done with all the questions?"

"Billie Joe's coming out here next week? That's great news." Tre started and continued talking but I was busy thinking. They were all smiley and happy, it was making me sick.
I stood from out of their little semicircle and walked straight off with out an explanation... well I would have if Tre didn't ask "Where are you going?"

Without turning round I said "I'm going to bed. I just want to be alone for a while... please... just leave me alone for the night." I didn't bother to hear their responses.

Not looking at anything I raced through the house until I hit my bedroom. Not bothering to change into my pyjamas I kicked my shoes off and flopped onto my bed, holding in tears that I would not shed. Now that I was laying here I felt as if loneliness was a overwhelming pressure on my body like the crushing black of Davy Jones locker.

My body is numb and feels nothing, but my heart stings with a white hot pain. It feels strange - a complete oxymoron. I can't see the clock so I count the seconds hoping that I could fall into my dreams. A knock sounds at the door but I have no idea how long I've been laying here.

The door handle starts to jiggle; I lay deafly quiet and cock my head to the side so I'm able to look to the door. It swings open and the silhouette of a tall and slightly lanky man standing there. Mike.

He stands in the doorway slightly nervous about stepping inside "Tasha? Are you still awake, baby?" I crack one of my eyes open. He sees I'm awake and starts to explain "Everyone's gone to bed and there's nowhere else. But I can stay on the couch." he begins to turn around, but I moaned low "No. Don't go"

He turns back round and walks into the room carefully. I slide out of the bed slowly and take small steps until I can smell his minty fresh breath. He grinned slyly and began speaking "I thought you wanted to be alone. I think I'll just go" his movements contradicted what his words were saying as his left hand slid to the small of my back and his right threaded itself in my hair.

"No. I want you to stay with me." I moulded my body against his more firmly and wrapped my leg around his waist. "Please stay. I need you." I need to feel something. I need to feel your love I added silently.

"Well I think you've persuaded me." he answers breathily as his lips lowered to my collarbone and began sucking gently. I moaned low in my throat as he teasingly began a slow trail down. Fed up of waiting we fumble trying to find something solid to hold our weight.

He took control and I felt my back against the cold surface of my bathroom door. Content I wrapped my other leg around his waist as well, leaning completely into him. His lips crashed against mine as he fumbled with the buttons of our clothes.

I was so absorbed in how much he made me feel and how there wasn't any pain when he was with me - in that way. I rocked my hips to meet with his. My limbs went slack as our love session came to an end.

We slid down the wall in exhaustion. I curled up to his side content for now with the warm feelings inside me. "We missed the bed again." I attempted to make a funny, but Mike saw through me, I'm sure sex makes him psychic.

"How are you really?" I hesitated at this line of questioning. I grin lazily and stretch out. "I'm just having an off day. Don't worry Mikey. I'm okay." He seemed hesitant to drop what he wanted to say.

"Is this just sex for you? This thing we have." I giggled lightly be it faded away when I saw the seriousness in his eyes. "I thought the girls were the ones supposed to be worrying about the relationship." Humour - a great defence mechanism.

"I'm serious Tasha. Answer the question." I crawled up so his face was exactly level with mine. I raised my hand gently and traced a path down his soft cheek tenderly. He closed his eyes and leaned into my hand nuzzling it lightly.

I opened my mouth and spoke to him gently "I love you. I do, so much. That's the reason I'm with you, because you're such a sweet person. You're kind, caring, an amazing bassist, a brilliant friend, a loving father and a fantastic love.r" he blushed brightly but I continued.

"And sure the sex is great. Mind-blowing even, but that doesn't count, as far as I'm concerned that's just a bonus. To me you are perfect and I wouldn't change the man I love for any amount of money in the world."

He raised his hand to my face "You are... " I placed my finger to his lips softly, stopping any speech. "Shhhh. You don't have to say anything, let's just go to bed... to sleep."

Mike gently lifted us both from the floor and he laid me down onto the mattress and pulled the covers up to my chin. He slid his body in-between the sheets and wrapped his arms around my middle. I snuggled into his warm body and closed my eyes letting his heartbeat lull me into sleep.