Estelle, chapter 5

Ramona and I were in my room. We were both laughing and talking about stuff: school, family, friends, everything. Ramona kept touching me every chance she got, whether it was punching me in the arm or pushing my shoulder. Every time she would do something like that, I would want her to do it again. I started to push and nudge her too, and then I started tickling her. I finally stopped, but I didn't take my arms off of her. She put her arms around me too. We stayed like that, until the door to my room opened and Stella walked in. She looked horrified, and she started crying. She started accusing me of betraying her and breaking her heart. I suddenly felt terrible and wish I had never touched Ramona. Stella ran out the door, and I started chasing after her. Every time I started to catch up with her, she would speed up. I chased her though the streets, calling out her name. She ran into a building. I tried to open the door, but it was locked. I continued to call out Stella's name in agony, until I fell to my knees.

I woke up with a start. The first thing I remember feeling was that terrible feeling of regret that I felt in my dream. I was really hot, so I pulled off the covers of my bed and wiped the sweat off my forehead. I looked at the clock. 8:30. I usually slept in pretty late, but I was so worked up from my dream I knew there was no way I could go back to sleep.

I stretched my arms and rolled out of bed. I was feeling kind of depressed. Sometimes, when I'm feeling depressed like this, I'll climb up onto my roof and just think for a while. There's a good view of the neighborhood up there, and it's just a nice place to go when I want to be alone.

I went out to my balcony. It was one of those rare gloomy summer days, and I couldn't hear the next-door neighbor kids playing or swimming in their backyards like I usually did.

I hoisted myself up onto the balcony. I grabbed hold of the roof and swung my body onto the rooftop. I crawled across the roof until I found a good spot to sit.

I sat there for a while, taking in the view and letting the breeze caress my body. I leaned backwards until my back was lying against the roof. I closed my eyes.

For some reason, Estelle was in the first person that came to my mind. I suddenly remembered something that happened when she and I were little. We had been sitting on this very roof. I guess I was probably around eight years old, and Stella was six. We were pretending that we were locked in the tower of a castle by evil ogres, and that there was no way down. Stella went over to the edge of the roof and pretended that she was letting her hair down so someone on the ground could climb up her hair up and save us. She leaned over just a little too far, though, and she lost her balance. She started to fall. I ran over to her and grabbed her arm just as was going down. She screamed in terror as her legs and other arm flailed helplessly above the ground. I grabbed her other arm and managed to pull her to safety. We were both crying after it happened, and when Mike came to pick her up she ran into his arms sobbing.

I opened my eyes back up as the memory faded away. Ever since that happened, I had always been kind of protective of Stella. I had never really noticed it till now.

I closed my eyes again and more memories of Stella flooded back to me. There were sad memories, just like the one I just mentioned. Like the time when I was about nine years old, and I was made fun of older boys because I couldn't play football very well. I cried about it, and Stella comforted me as best she could. But there were also happy memories, memories of watching Saturday morning cartoons together, of riding our bikes to the local drug store for candy and sodas, or of asking my mom to play "Waiting" yet again in the car on a drive to the park. Of course, we both knew and sang along to every single word to the song.

I realized what a great friendship Stella and I had. She had always been there for me, through thick and thin. I know a bond like ours is meant to last.

But then I thought of something. I knew that I had started to like Estelle as more than a friend. I was thinking of her non-stop before Ramona came to stay for the summer last week. I don't know why, but she there's just something about her that I love. She's grown up a lot, too, in the past year. I even thought about us kissing. I blushed I began to replay the fantasy in my head.

But now, ever since Ramona got here, I started to be attracted to her, too. I mean, she just has so much energy. She makes me feel excited and powerful. I feel like I can take on the world when I'm with her. She's so gorgeous, too. I can barely resist her, especially when she's really close to me. I just want reach out and touch her.

But what would happen if I told Stella I liked her more than a friend? I mean, we've been friends forever. We tell each other everything. We trust each other completely. If we were a couple, how would things change? Would we still act the same way around each other? We would probably hold hands, and maybe kiss. I smiled at the thought. But what if I tell her that I like her and she doesn't like me back? Or what if we were together for a while but then we break up? Would our friendship be ruined forever?

I decided I didn't want to lose our friendship. I thought about that, but something else kept pushing its way back into my thoughts.

What is she does have feelings for me?

But then what if I somehow ended up with Ramona? I mean, I don't think I am going to tell her anything anytime soon because I'm still getting to know her better, but I definitely have feelings for her. I knew it wouldn't make sense for us to be together since she lives so far away, but what if we clicked? Would we find a way to work it out? And then there's Stella. How would she react if she knew I liked Ramona? Would she support me? Would she feel betrayed? Would she be sad because she had really liked me all along?

I hit my one of my fists against the roof in frustration. Why did everything have to be so complicated?

I started to try to remember the words to the song "Waiting" in my head. They gradually came back to me.

I've been waiting a long time
For this moment to come
I'm destined
For anything at all
Downtown lights will be shining
On me like a diamond
Ring out under the midnight hour
No one can touch me now
And I can¹t turn my back
It's too late ready or not at all

I'm so much closer than
I have ever known...
Wake up

Dawning of a new era
Calling, don't let it catch you falling
Ready or not at all
So close enough to taste it
Almost, I can embrace this
Feeling, on the tip of my tongue

I'm so much closer than
I have ever known
Wake up
Better thank your lucks stars

I've been waiting for a long time
For this moment to come
I'm destined for anything at all

Dumbstruck
Color me stupid
Good luck
You're gonna need it
Where I'm going if I get there at all

Wake up
Better thank your lucky stars...

I was just about to go through the chorus again when a sound startled me. My eyes fluttered open. I sat up and saw a head of blonde hair poking just above the roof. I saw Stella peer over at me.

"Joey, are you going to help me up or what?" Stella said, annoyed.

I stumbled over to the edge of the roof where Stella was, and saw her struggling to pull herself up.

"Here," I said, as I grabbed hold of both her arms and started to pull her up. I put my feet against the rain gutter that was attached to the roof and began pulling harder. Finally, I fell back and Stella stumbled onto the roof.

"Thanks," she said as she dusted herself off. She looked down at the balcony she had just climbed up from. "How did we ever get up here when we were kids?" she said.

I was surprised to see that Stella had found me. "How did you know I was here?" I asked Stella dubiously.

Stella sat down next to where I had fallen. "Well, I called your cell phone a few times, and when you didn't answer I decided I would just walk over here. I asked Adie where you where and she said you were probably still asleep. She told me you probably should get up anyway, so she told me I should wake you up. You're bed was empty, so I guessed you had gone on a walk or something. But then I looked around your room for a minute and saw that the door to the balcony was open. I came out here to see if you had climbed up onto the roof," she said. "Guess I was right."

I hadn't realized how long I had been up here. It must have been more than an hour. Stella started looking around. She looked out across the tops of the houses in the neighborhood.

"I forgot how great the view is from here," she said, taking in the sight. "Remember when we used to come up here when we were little kids?"

Little did she know I was just thinking about that. "Yeah," I said. I couldn't think of anything else to say.

She sighed. "Things were so much simpler then, huh?" she said. She looked at me out of the corner of her eye.

"Yeah," I said, nodding. I amazed me the way she could read my emotions. I didn't know what to say, so I was silent. I watched Stella's eyebrows furrow with concentration. I could tell she was really thinking.

Finally, she looked at me. She looked really concerned. "Joey, what's wrong?" she said.

I put my head down. "Nothing," I lied.

Stella's eyebrows furrowed even more. "Joey," she said softly. "It's ok. You can tell me. I'll understand."

I didn't say anything. What was she thinking? She knew I was hiding something. She started to pick away at the shingles on the roof. Her eyes were downcast.

I knew I couldn't tell her. I risked losing a friendship that had been building up for years and years. It might be fun to be together for a while, but would it last? No. Then all those years of memories would go straight down the drain. And that was the undeniable truth. I was so frustrated that it had been placed so blatantly before me.

I finally looked back at Stella. She was looking downward, and she had tears in her eyes. I was confused. Why was she crying?

I began to speak. "Stella?" I said.

After a minute she looked up at me. Her bright blue eyes were round and full with tears.

"Joey," she said in a shaky voice. "I know you're keeping something from me. You're my best friend. You used to tell me everything."

At that, she broke out with another set of sobs. When she had wiped more of her tears, she began speaking again. "You make me feel like our friendship doesn't matter to you anymore," she sputtered. "I cherish our friendship more that anything. Why are you doing this? Why?"

The last "why" she uttered was so pathetic that I felt tears rising up into my eyes as well. I wanted to take her hand and hold it. I wanted to put my arms around her and tell her there was nothing to worry about, and that I loved her and I always would. I started to put my hand out to touch her, but quickly took it back. She had her face covered with her hands and was crying nonstop.

"Stella... " I began. "Our friendship does matter to me," I said, my voice also starting to shake a little. "I just... " I couldn't finish. I wouldn't let myself ruin our friendship, not now, not ever.

"I feel like were drifting apart," Stella sputtered again. "I just want things to be like they used to."

I just want things to be like they used to. I replayed that sentence over and over in my head.

Things can never be like they used to, Stella. I thought. I love you.

Stella finally looked back at me again. "Is it Ramona?" she said accusingly. "Is there something going on with Ramona? Because if there is, I swear I'll understand."

I shook my head. "No," I whispered.

"Then what?" Stella exclaimed. "Why can't you just tell me?"

I started to get frustrated with her. It was hard enough to keep it in as it was without her pestering me. "I just can't!" I yelled at her. "You won't understand!"

Stella looked hurt. "How do you know I won't understand if you won't tell me?!" she yelled back at me, tears streaming down her face.

I crossed my arms and looked back at the view. "Maybe you should go."

Stella was absolutely fuming at that point. She put her face right up to mine and looked me straight in the eyes. "Fine," she spat at me. "If you don't care about our friendship anymore, I don't either. Bye."

I watched helplessly as Stella slid down and off the roof. A few seconds after she got down, I too went to the edge of the roof and got down onto the balcony. I ran back into my room and I tore through the house until I was at the top of the stairs. I could see Stella heading towards the door. I watched as she went out the door, and slammed it on her way out.

I saw my dad walk into the room. He had seen Stella run out and slam the door. He looked around until he saw me at the top of the stairs. His eyebrows furrowed.

"What did you say to her?" he said accusingly.

"Nothing," I said.

"That was definitely NOT nothing," he said. "You better have not broken her heart."

"No," I said. "It's not that."

My dad raised an eyebrow. He looked confused. "Well, what happened, then?"

"I... I don't know," I said. "I mean... It's complicated."

"I swear, if you tried to touch her... ."

"No!" I exclaimed, annoyed. "We just had an argument, that's all," I said.

"Fine," said my dad. "But if she's not smiling the next time I see her, I blaming you," he said, pointing at me.

"Ok, dad, I get it," I said, still fuming from the argumment, as I walked back into my room.

Estelle

I ran from Joey's house with tears streaming down my face. Everything was completely blurry, and I couldn't see where I was going. I decided to go to Serena's house and tell her what happened. I went to the end of the block and turned right. Then I ran down the street until I came to Serena's house. I didn't want her parents to see me crying, so I came in the back door. I ran up to her room and knocked on the door.

"Who is it?" I heard Serena say.

"It's Stella," I said in a shaky voice. I heard Serena come up to the door. She gasped when she opened the door and saw my tear-stained face.

"Stella!" she gasped. "What happened? Did you talk to Joey? Here, come in, come in."

I shuffled into the room. Serena looked out into the hallway to make sure nobody was around before closing the door. I went over to her bed and sat down.

"Yeah, I talked to Joey," I said.

Serena came and sat down next to me.

"And? What did he say?" she asked.

"Well," I said, wiping my eyes. "You know how I told you I felt like he was keeping something from me?"

"Yeah," said Serena. "Even I noticed he's been acting kind of strange around you lately."

"Yeah," I said. "Well, I asked him what was wrong, and he wouldn't tell me, so I told him that we are best friends and we shouldn't keep things from each other. I started crying when he still wouldn't tell me. He yelled at me and said I wouldn't understand." I let out a sob and looked at Serena. "How can I not understand?" I said. "I'm his best friend!"

Serena shook her head. "I don't know, Stella," she said. "It doesn't make any sense to me. What could he possibly be keeping from you that you wouldn't understand?" She paused and thought for a moment. "Maybe you should just give him his space, you know?" she said. "He might just be going through something tough right now and he's not ready to tell you."

I nodded and sighed. "Maybe you're right," I said. "It's just kind of hard not knowing what's going on with him. I guess I just have to wait and see what happens."

"Don't worry," Serena said, smiling in attempt to comfort me. "Things will work out, you'll see."

I nodded and wiped the tears from my eyes. "Thanks, Serena." I said.

"No problem," Serena said, smiling.

"So," I said, shifting my weight on the bed. "What's going on with you and Greg?"

Serena blushed. "You remember me kissing him, don't you?" she said, embarrassed.

"Yeah," I laughed. "I thought you wouldn't remember."

Serena laughed. "I definitely remember," she said. "I can't believe I did that!" she exclaimed.

I laughed. "So, have you guys, like admitted it to each other or anything?" I asked.

"Yeah," Serena said. "He called me, and we just started talking about that night, an then I admitted to kissing him. We just kept talking, until he asked me if I wanted to go get lunch, and I said yes, and then we went to this cute little place and then afterwards we ended up kissing again!" she giggled.

"Oh my god!" I said. I hugged her. "I'm so happy for you guys," I said.

"Thanks," she said, smiling. "Oh, so when am I going to meet... Ramona, right?"

"Yeah," I said. "I don't know, how about tonight?" I said.

"Ok," she said. "Oh, is it ok if I bring Greg along?" she asked.

I giggled. "Yeah, but I would be careful," I said. "Ramona has a reputation for having a dirty mind. She'll probably go on and on about you and Greg."

Serena laughed. "That's ok," she said. "I just want an excuse to be with Greg."