Mistakes Worth Making, chapter 6
When I get back to the apartment, all the lights are off and I am alone. Since it is still pretty early in California, I decide to take a shower before I return Billie's call. I stand motionless under the hot water and try to let go of some of the tension that had built up earlier in the night.
I hate arguing with Chad and normally I try to avoid it at all costs...he just drags you down to his level so you feel just as shitty as he does. But this time he had stepped over the line and I couldn't just turn my head the other way and pretend that he hadn't said what he did.
After about twenty minutes in the shower, I come back to reality and realize that I have accomplished absolutely nothing and need to get out. I put on clothes to sleep in and then proceed to comb the tangles out of my hair before settling down on the couch to call Billie.
I dial his number and let it ring four times before the voicemail comes on, but I don't leave a message. I drop the phone beside me and stare mindlessly up at the ceiling...I am interrupted five minutes later by my phone call being returned.
"Hey," he says when I answer the phone.
"What's that noise?" I ask. "I can barely hear you."
"It's the shower," he tells me. "Adrienne is in the next room."
"Oh ok," I say. "So what did you need to talk to me about?"
"Listen," he sighs.
I've heard this 'listen' before and I already know that this conversation is headed down a disappointing path. In a relationship, hearing this word leave the other's mouth means that they have changed their mind or have in some way fucked up...one way or another, it basically signifies that the end is just around the corner.
"Adrienne said a little more than I told you the other night," he admits.
Well I could always be wrong...maybe he just feels guilty because he lied to me and now he wants to apologize. Yeah, right.
"I thought she would drop it when I agreed to do what she wanted, but she didn't..." he says. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you the truth when I had the chance to."
"Well, what exactly did she want you to do?" I ask hesitantly.
"After I told her that I just forgot to put it on she said she didn't know what I was up to, but she knew it couldn't be anything good," he says. "She told me she didn't care what was going on...not so much that she doesn't care what I do," he pauses. "It was more like she just didn't want to hear that I was doing something that would fuck things up...does that make sense?"
"Yeah," I say indifferently.
"Anyway...she said she didn't care what it was, but that I needed to stop or else," he tells me.
"So what does that mean for us?" I ask even though I am pretty sure I know the answer to that question.
"We need to lay off things for awhile," he sighs.
It's not quite the answer I had anticipated, but it all means the same thing. Whether we weren't going to be together ever again or just temporarily, it doesn't matter because I'm still going to be hurt either way.
I suspected that eventually this would happen so I don't know why I feel an overwhelming sense of frustration...I didn't realize that it would already be over when it just started. But I had seen Taryn be in this same situation and get her heart broken many times before, so honestly I had no one to blame but myself.
"How long are we talking about here?" I ask impatiently.
"I don't know...until Adrienne isn't suspicious anymore I guess," he says.
"So you'll just use me when it's suitable for you?" I ask with a harsh tone. "Or is this just your way of letting me down easy?"
"Sam," he starts to say.
"Fuck that, Billie..." I say cutting him off. "I don't want to hear your bullshit."
I hung up on him before he had an opportunity to say anything else. I knew that moment was inevitable, but I am taken aback that he ended things over the phone.
--
I sluggishly walk down the hall on the third floor to see the only person I know who's first words to me won't be 'I told you so'. I linger outside Taryn's door for a few minutes trying to compose myself before knocking.
I feel guilty about bothering her so late, mainly since she has to work tomorrow. I finally knock on her door, but I don't hear anything from the other side. I worry that she has already gone to bed until I hear feet shuffling across the carpet before the door opens.
"I'm so glad to see you because I met the sweetest guy tonig..." she stops talking when she notices my tear-stained face. "Honey, what happened?" she asks sympathetically.
I didn't say anything, but she knew.
"I'm so sorry," she says before putting her arm around me and walking us into the living room.
"I feel so used," I sob into her shoulder. "I'm such an idiot...and I just bought into every lie that he told me."
"You're not an idiot...don't say that," she says trying to calm me down. "You just made a mistake...a mistake that you're smart enough to not make again, unlike me," she laughs. "What were his reasons?"
"And over the fucking phone...what an asshole," I say to no one in particular. "I didn't give him a chance to explain...he lied to me before so I didn't want to hear it."
We stay awake talking until two the following morning when Taryn decides she needs to get some sleep before working all day. She says I can crash on her couch tonight so I don't have to walk all the way back home.
Unfortunately, I have too much weighing on my mind to even think about sleeping. Instead I just lay here listening to the sounds of the bustling city as the early morning wears on...it really is the city that never sleeps.
I've never lost sleep over a guy in my entire life and I don't know why I am now...he seemed like he actually cared, but I found out the hard way that looks can be misleading. I am still wide awake at seven when I hear Taryn shuffling around in her room as she gets ready for work.
She comes out of her bedroom fully dressed and ready to go half an hour later. She leans over me to see if I am awake before asking me if I want to get some coffee before she has to be at work.
"Sure," I say lethargically as I maneuver myself off of her insanely comfortable couch.
I feel like crap and all I want to do is get some much-needed rest, but I have a feeling that my mind won't be at ease with what happened with Billie for awhile. I just wish I could have seen it coming...but hey, at least I can check 'one-night-stand' off of my list of wild things to try since that's essentially what it turned out to be.
"Are you coming or are you just gonna stand in the elevator all day and space out?" Taryn says causing me to snap out of my reverie.
"Sorry I'm just all fucked up right now..." I sigh as we head towards Starbucks.
"Well at least you're not crying anymore," she points out trying to cheer me up.
"That's because I have no more tears to cry..." I say wretchedly. "Fuck...just when someone sweet and interesting comes along, their true personality comes up and screws up everything."
"Aww...you're bringing me down," she says playfully. "C'mon...let's get some coffee and then I'll walk you home."
We get our coffee and go back to my apartment. When we get there, I sit down in the chair by my window that overlooks the city while Taryn rummages through the cabinets for some pop tarts.
I am startled by the phone ringing...it is a foreign sound to me because normally people call on my cell phone.
"California is on the line," Taryn says after leaning over the phone to check the caller ID.
"Don't fucking answer it..." I say suddenly. "Sorry...I just don't want to talk to him."
It rings four times before my answering machine picks up. I don't expect him to leave a message, but once again he has proved me wrong.
"Samantha, please answer the phone...I know you're there...just please give me a chance to explain...I didn't mean to hurt you and if you would just answer I can explain why I had to do what I did...I'm so sorry...you have to believe me...please call me back when you get this...I'm begging you, Sam...bye," he says before hanging up.
"That's it," Taryn says after seeing my reaction to his message. "I'm calling in sick and staying here with you."
"No...I'm fine," I lie. "You need to go to work because you have to pay your bills."
"Screw paying the bills," she says adamantly. "You're way more important than money...and you obviously need someone here right now for you."
"Whatever," I sigh. "Do what you want because I definitely don't have the energy to argue with you."
After a short time of sitting together in stillness, the echo of the phone ringing fills the room again. Like the time before, we let it ring until the answering machine comes on.
"Sam, I don't know what to do so that you'll forgive me...I can't make you listen to what I have to say...and honestly I don't blame you for not even giving me a second thought...if you would just call me back and let me prove to you that what I did, you'll see it isn't near as bad as what your probably assuming...I don't want you to think I'm an insane stalker-person so this is the last time I will call you tonight and bother you...I'll take the hint if you don't get back to me soon...please, Sam...just hear me out...you don't have to believe me or forgive me...bye," he says sounding desperate to talk to me.
"Maybe you should just call him back and hear him out," she says frantically trying to get me to take her advice. "He sounds genuinely sorry."
"Don't even take his side..." I say disdainfully. "He lied to me without missing a beat...who says he's not acting like he sorry just so I'll be here when he feels the need to use me again?"
"Yeah, well..." she stops to think of something to say to convince me to call him. "Who says he's not telling you the truth...you're never going to know if you don't pick up the phone and listen to his reasons."
"He doesn't owe me anything because it's my own damn fault I got involved with him and that he broke my heart...I knew better than to mess with anyone that is already taken," I say with an irritated tone.
"So are you going to call him or not?" she asks anxiously before setting the phone down beside me.
I hate arguing with Chad and normally I try to avoid it at all costs...he just drags you down to his level so you feel just as shitty as he does. But this time he had stepped over the line and I couldn't just turn my head the other way and pretend that he hadn't said what he did.
After about twenty minutes in the shower, I come back to reality and realize that I have accomplished absolutely nothing and need to get out. I put on clothes to sleep in and then proceed to comb the tangles out of my hair before settling down on the couch to call Billie.
I dial his number and let it ring four times before the voicemail comes on, but I don't leave a message. I drop the phone beside me and stare mindlessly up at the ceiling...I am interrupted five minutes later by my phone call being returned.
"Hey," he says when I answer the phone.
"What's that noise?" I ask. "I can barely hear you."
"It's the shower," he tells me. "Adrienne is in the next room."
"Oh ok," I say. "So what did you need to talk to me about?"
"Listen," he sighs.
I've heard this 'listen' before and I already know that this conversation is headed down a disappointing path. In a relationship, hearing this word leave the other's mouth means that they have changed their mind or have in some way fucked up...one way or another, it basically signifies that the end is just around the corner.
"Adrienne said a little more than I told you the other night," he admits.
Well I could always be wrong...maybe he just feels guilty because he lied to me and now he wants to apologize. Yeah, right.
"I thought she would drop it when I agreed to do what she wanted, but she didn't..." he says. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you the truth when I had the chance to."
"Well, what exactly did she want you to do?" I ask hesitantly.
"After I told her that I just forgot to put it on she said she didn't know what I was up to, but she knew it couldn't be anything good," he says. "She told me she didn't care what was going on...not so much that she doesn't care what I do," he pauses. "It was more like she just didn't want to hear that I was doing something that would fuck things up...does that make sense?"
"Yeah," I say indifferently.
"Anyway...she said she didn't care what it was, but that I needed to stop or else," he tells me.
"So what does that mean for us?" I ask even though I am pretty sure I know the answer to that question.
"We need to lay off things for awhile," he sighs.
It's not quite the answer I had anticipated, but it all means the same thing. Whether we weren't going to be together ever again or just temporarily, it doesn't matter because I'm still going to be hurt either way.
I suspected that eventually this would happen so I don't know why I feel an overwhelming sense of frustration...I didn't realize that it would already be over when it just started. But I had seen Taryn be in this same situation and get her heart broken many times before, so honestly I had no one to blame but myself.
"How long are we talking about here?" I ask impatiently.
"I don't know...until Adrienne isn't suspicious anymore I guess," he says.
"So you'll just use me when it's suitable for you?" I ask with a harsh tone. "Or is this just your way of letting me down easy?"
"Sam," he starts to say.
"Fuck that, Billie..." I say cutting him off. "I don't want to hear your bullshit."
I hung up on him before he had an opportunity to say anything else. I knew that moment was inevitable, but I am taken aback that he ended things over the phone.
--
I sluggishly walk down the hall on the third floor to see the only person I know who's first words to me won't be 'I told you so'. I linger outside Taryn's door for a few minutes trying to compose myself before knocking.
I feel guilty about bothering her so late, mainly since she has to work tomorrow. I finally knock on her door, but I don't hear anything from the other side. I worry that she has already gone to bed until I hear feet shuffling across the carpet before the door opens.
"I'm so glad to see you because I met the sweetest guy tonig..." she stops talking when she notices my tear-stained face. "Honey, what happened?" she asks sympathetically.
I didn't say anything, but she knew.
"I'm so sorry," she says before putting her arm around me and walking us into the living room.
"I feel so used," I sob into her shoulder. "I'm such an idiot...and I just bought into every lie that he told me."
"You're not an idiot...don't say that," she says trying to calm me down. "You just made a mistake...a mistake that you're smart enough to not make again, unlike me," she laughs. "What were his reasons?"
"And over the fucking phone...what an asshole," I say to no one in particular. "I didn't give him a chance to explain...he lied to me before so I didn't want to hear it."
We stay awake talking until two the following morning when Taryn decides she needs to get some sleep before working all day. She says I can crash on her couch tonight so I don't have to walk all the way back home.
Unfortunately, I have too much weighing on my mind to even think about sleeping. Instead I just lay here listening to the sounds of the bustling city as the early morning wears on...it really is the city that never sleeps.
I've never lost sleep over a guy in my entire life and I don't know why I am now...he seemed like he actually cared, but I found out the hard way that looks can be misleading. I am still wide awake at seven when I hear Taryn shuffling around in her room as she gets ready for work.
She comes out of her bedroom fully dressed and ready to go half an hour later. She leans over me to see if I am awake before asking me if I want to get some coffee before she has to be at work.
"Sure," I say lethargically as I maneuver myself off of her insanely comfortable couch.
I feel like crap and all I want to do is get some much-needed rest, but I have a feeling that my mind won't be at ease with what happened with Billie for awhile. I just wish I could have seen it coming...but hey, at least I can check 'one-night-stand' off of my list of wild things to try since that's essentially what it turned out to be.
"Are you coming or are you just gonna stand in the elevator all day and space out?" Taryn says causing me to snap out of my reverie.
"Sorry I'm just all fucked up right now..." I sigh as we head towards Starbucks.
"Well at least you're not crying anymore," she points out trying to cheer me up.
"That's because I have no more tears to cry..." I say wretchedly. "Fuck...just when someone sweet and interesting comes along, their true personality comes up and screws up everything."
"Aww...you're bringing me down," she says playfully. "C'mon...let's get some coffee and then I'll walk you home."
We get our coffee and go back to my apartment. When we get there, I sit down in the chair by my window that overlooks the city while Taryn rummages through the cabinets for some pop tarts.
I am startled by the phone ringing...it is a foreign sound to me because normally people call on my cell phone.
"California is on the line," Taryn says after leaning over the phone to check the caller ID.
"Don't fucking answer it..." I say suddenly. "Sorry...I just don't want to talk to him."
It rings four times before my answering machine picks up. I don't expect him to leave a message, but once again he has proved me wrong.
"Samantha, please answer the phone...I know you're there...just please give me a chance to explain...I didn't mean to hurt you and if you would just answer I can explain why I had to do what I did...I'm so sorry...you have to believe me...please call me back when you get this...I'm begging you, Sam...bye," he says before hanging up.
"That's it," Taryn says after seeing my reaction to his message. "I'm calling in sick and staying here with you."
"No...I'm fine," I lie. "You need to go to work because you have to pay your bills."
"Screw paying the bills," she says adamantly. "You're way more important than money...and you obviously need someone here right now for you."
"Whatever," I sigh. "Do what you want because I definitely don't have the energy to argue with you."
After a short time of sitting together in stillness, the echo of the phone ringing fills the room again. Like the time before, we let it ring until the answering machine comes on.
"Sam, I don't know what to do so that you'll forgive me...I can't make you listen to what I have to say...and honestly I don't blame you for not even giving me a second thought...if you would just call me back and let me prove to you that what I did, you'll see it isn't near as bad as what your probably assuming...I don't want you to think I'm an insane stalker-person so this is the last time I will call you tonight and bother you...I'll take the hint if you don't get back to me soon...please, Sam...just hear me out...you don't have to believe me or forgive me...bye," he says sounding desperate to talk to me.
"Maybe you should just call him back and hear him out," she says frantically trying to get me to take her advice. "He sounds genuinely sorry."
"Don't even take his side..." I say disdainfully. "He lied to me without missing a beat...who says he's not acting like he sorry just so I'll be here when he feels the need to use me again?"
"Yeah, well..." she stops to think of something to say to convince me to call him. "Who says he's not telling you the truth...you're never going to know if you don't pick up the phone and listen to his reasons."
"He doesn't owe me anything because it's my own damn fault I got involved with him and that he broke my heart...I knew better than to mess with anyone that is already taken," I say with an irritated tone.
"So are you going to call him or not?" she asks anxiously before setting the phone down beside me.
