The best love she ever had, chapter 11
Mike rushes over and shakes Billie. "Dude, wake up. Billie joe, wake your ass up now! BILLIE! Billie!..... Billie?...... come on Bill..." his voice gets softer with each word.
Mike slowly stands up, sticking his hands out straight and then brings one close to his face. He turns to me, his face looking pale. "There's fucking cocaine on him."
I wake up, looking at a white ceiling. I sit up, seeing Mike on a chair next to me.
I must have fainted, I figure, seeing nothing else wrong with me. I shake him lightly.
"Darlene!" he pulls me into a hug.
"Where's Billie?" The first thing that comes to my mind.
"Here. In the hospital. The doctors said he overdosed, but they pumped his stomach and he'll be fine in no time."
"Fucker," I suddenly feel hate and anger rise out of me.
"I mean how can he do that? Do we really mean that little to him that he feels he has no reason to live so he just tries to off himself? Do I not make him happy? We get into one little argument and he does THIS?"
I stand up and feel Mike pull on my arm. "Take me home," I tell him, pulling my arm away and walking out of the hospital.
"Want me to stay?" he says, stopping at my door.
"No, I just want to sleep," I step out of the car and enter the house.
"Sleep.. fuck sleep." I say out loud, droppng my purse in the doorway and walking to the kitchen. I pull out a large bottle of pure vodka and walk up to my computer, picking up his letter.
I love you. And I will until the day I die.
"WHAT? TOMORROW?!" I yell, throwing the letter down. I take a swig and start to walk up to the bedroom.
I wake up to the sun blinding me. I knew I should have closed those damn shades. Oh well.
I trudge downstairs to find Tre and Mike in my kitchen. "Want anything special?" Mike says, looking at me.
"Just some vodka," I open the fridge and pull out a bottle.
"That's it!" I hear Tre yell and suddenly see him rushing toward's me. He picks me up and throws me on his shoulder and walks upstairs, Mike following.
He throws me on my bed and Mike sits on me. "Okay, you have 2... no 3 choices."
"Does one of them include you naked? 'Cause just so you know I think I'll be choosing that one," I say, laughing.
"Sadly, no. Choice one... you can stay here, drink vodka and lay on your bed... and with this choice I can't guarantee Tre not sexually harassing you. Choice two... you can come with me and Tre to see Billie and just face him already. Or three, you can take a shower, get dressed, and come to my house and help me paint my hallway," Mike gets off me and stands next to the bed. "What'll it be?"
Tre starts to get up and come towards me.
"Errr I'll choose the last one," I say, jumping out of bed to avoid Tre. I grab some clothes and walk into the bathroom door.
We arrive at Mike's and I look around. No ladder, no paint, no tarp or brushes.
"Err so how exactly are we gonna be painting your hallway?"
"We're not. I was just lying to get you here. We're gonna go see Billie," he says, grabbing his jacket. Tre laughs and pushes me out of the door.
We reach the hospital, sign in, and walk to Billie's room. "I've already seen him, and so has Tre, so it's your turn," Mike says, opening the door for me.
I walk into his room to see him sitting up, watching some talk show on the t.v. above.
"Hey!" Billie yells.
"Hi..." I sit down on a chair below the t.v.
"I know your mad... and for what it's worth, I'm sorry."
I cut him off. "Which is nothing."
He begins again. "I fucking thought I lost you okay! I've been so busy lately, and then I see you with Mike... when you didn't call I thought you didn't love me anymore... and I got a little carried away... i've just been under so much stress I... I didn't know what to do."
"I can't do this right now," I walk to the door and open it, finding Mike standing right in the way.
"Sit down and talk to him. If you don't now, you never will," Mike says as he pulls the door back closed.
I look up to Billie. "What do you want out of me Billie Joe?"
"I want you."
Silence.
I didn't know what to say... I couldn't forgive him... but I couldn't stay mad at him either.
He starts to cry, so I look down to the floor. "I want to forgive him... but I can't just let this go!" I yell in my head. "This isnt the time to hold a grudge. He's crying!"
I walk up to him and grab his hand. "Stop crying ok? I know you're sorry... and I want to forgive you I just... I can't go through this again! You told me you would never do this the last time."
"Ok ok. I know. And I will spend every day trying to make it up to you.. just please forgive me... I love you."
I nod and walk out of the door, heading to Mike's car.
***
Tee_cee: Are you and Billie okay? He's been looking sad lately.
Sanfrangirl: Yeah, i guess.
Sanfrangirl: Well not really.. it's like, there's this elephant in the room all the time. Some weird air.. like, were both being nice just to keep the other happy.. when we really don't want to be.
Tee_cee: Your still mad at him eh?
Sanfrangirl: I hold grudges, i can't help it. Your lucky you and i have never gotten in a fight, haha.
Tee_cee: Oh i wouldn't dare fight with almighty Darlene. :)
Sanfrangirl: Yeah yeah.
Tee_cee: Is that it? I mean, why don't you just tell him that your still mad?
Sanfrangirl: Well no its not just that. I mean, why does he make it so hard for me to care for him? Caring should never be hard.
Sanfrangirl: I hate to seem all emo, but you know that song 'Buried Myself Alive' by the Used? I kind of feel like that.
Tee_cee: I remember it vaguely, fuck if i know the words though.. show me.
Sanfrangirl: Ok hold on.
Sanfrangirl: You almost always pick the best times
To drop the worst lines
You almost made me cry again this time
Another false alarm
Red flashing lights
Well this time im not going to watch myself die
I think i made it a game to play your game
And let myself cry
I buried myself alive on the inside
So i could shut you out
And let you go away from a long time
I guess its okay i puked the day away.
I guess its better you trapped yourself in your own way
And if you want me back
You're gonna have to ask
Nicer than that
Tee_cee: Wow Darlene... i'm sorry.
Tee_cee: I suck at saying comforting stuff, so uh, i'll tell Mike to get on, okay? Talk to you later.
*Tee_cee has signed off*
I get up to grab another beer and head back to the living room. I sit down to see a new IM window already popped up.
bassman01: Are you okay?
Sanfrangirl: Yeah im fine, why?
bassman01: Tre said you weren't doing good...
Sanfrangirl: Mmm him and his mixed messages.
bassman01: So what's wrong
Sanfrangirl: Nothing's wrong! We were just talking about Billie.
bassman01: I'm sorry, i just wanted to make sure you were okay.. and what about Billie?
Sanfrangirl: Tre just said he was looking sad lately... as if i don't already have enough guilt in me.
bassman01: Guilt? Why? You didn't do anything.
Sanfrangirl: I feel guilty that i did. I don't know.. i mean isn't it normal.. Someone you love is sad and you automatically feel kind of guilty. Because if you don't make them happy then well.. you obviously make them sad.
bassman01: No. I mean... it might not be you at all. Billie has gone through alot in his life.. you know that... and maybe sometimes all of it just gets him down.
Sanfrangirl: I guess..i just think its my fault.. and i can't shake it so... until i see him not so sad, i'll keep feeling this way.
bassman01: Well if it counts at all,..you make me happy. Really happy.
Sanfrangirl: Heh.. thanks, it does count, alot. :)
bassman01: Good! I'm gonna get going now.. but i'll talk to you soon. bye bye.
Sanfrangirl: Okay, bye.
*bassman01 has signed off*
"I guess it's okay I puked the daaaay awaaaay, I guess it's better you trapped yourself in your own waaaay," I sing, standing up and walking towards the couch.
*billie_san is now online*
I look to my computer, wondering why he was on... he never comes on.
billie_san: Hey baby
"Meh, I really don't want to talk to him right now," I say outloud as I turn the t.v. channel.
billie_san: Darlene?
I look back again and decide to turn my status to 'away'
billie_san: Please baby talk to me.
Sanfrangirl: Sorrrryyy, i was getting some more soda, what's the matter?
billie_san: I saw what you wrote Mike.. and i'm sorry for making you feel guilty.
Sanfrangirl: Oh. Ok.
billie_san: Yup.... Uhm, i... so i'll see you when i get home ok?
Sanfrangirl: well im gonna head out to town in an hour or so, and i might still be gone, but i'll see you later tonight yep. Have fun.
billie_san: Ok i will. I love you so much, bye.
Sanfrangirl: Bye
I sign off and walk upstairs to get dressed.
I really need to get away.
I knock on the door a few times. "Darlene!" Mike yells, pulling me into a hug.
"Hey.. I just thought I'd come visit my favorite Mike."
He smiles and pulls me in his house. "I missed you," I kiss him on the cheek.
"I missed you too!" He grabs some beer and we sit down on his couch, talking for a while.
"I painted my bedroom this weekend, wanna see?" Mike says. I nod and follow him upstairs to his room.
"Ohhh it's like a shiny light blue color," I say, realising its almost the same color as Mike's eyes.
I sit down on Mike's bed while he turns on the radio. 'Live with me' by the Rolling Stones comes on. "Ohhh I love this song!" Mike yells. I laugh and look at his face. He was always so cute.
I remember when I first met the boys, I met Mike first. I was at this club in San Francisco, and I went and sat on the bar next to this man slumping over into his lap. I looked over a few minutes later and saw him looking around. 'Your friends leave you?" I say, turning to him.
He looks at me and shakes his head. He tries to get up but practically falls off the stool, so I grab him and hoist him out of the club. I search his pockets for his cell phone, finding it in the front left.
I pull it out and search through contacts..
'Billie
Brittany
Matt
Susan
Tre'
Wait... Billie and Tre? I look up at him better, realising he's Mike. I call Billie and ask him where Mike's staying. "Uhhh... at the Hilton. Room um, 318 I think."
I drag Mike to my car and drive to his hotel. I carry him up to his room, finding the key card earlier I open the door. Seeing as Billie didn't seem to be in much of a mood to baby-sit Mike, I stay at his hotel while he sleep's.
We kept in touch for a while, he thought I was nice and I thought the same of him. After getting to know each other Mike asks me out, and we had a few dates.
But it didn't really seem to work, he was kind of too shy for me then, so we broke up but alway's stayed friends.
Suddenly I feel lips up against mine and wake out of my daydream. It was Mike, and he was laying down on top of me. I was freaking out for a minute, but it felt so.... natural, I couldn't make him stop.
I didn't want to make him stop.
Mike slowly stands up, sticking his hands out straight and then brings one close to his face. He turns to me, his face looking pale. "There's fucking cocaine on him."
I wake up, looking at a white ceiling. I sit up, seeing Mike on a chair next to me.
I must have fainted, I figure, seeing nothing else wrong with me. I shake him lightly.
"Darlene!" he pulls me into a hug.
"Where's Billie?" The first thing that comes to my mind.
"Here. In the hospital. The doctors said he overdosed, but they pumped his stomach and he'll be fine in no time."
"Fucker," I suddenly feel hate and anger rise out of me.
"I mean how can he do that? Do we really mean that little to him that he feels he has no reason to live so he just tries to off himself? Do I not make him happy? We get into one little argument and he does THIS?"
I stand up and feel Mike pull on my arm. "Take me home," I tell him, pulling my arm away and walking out of the hospital.
"Want me to stay?" he says, stopping at my door.
"No, I just want to sleep," I step out of the car and enter the house.
"Sleep.. fuck sleep." I say out loud, droppng my purse in the doorway and walking to the kitchen. I pull out a large bottle of pure vodka and walk up to my computer, picking up his letter.
I love you. And I will until the day I die.
"WHAT? TOMORROW?!" I yell, throwing the letter down. I take a swig and start to walk up to the bedroom.
I wake up to the sun blinding me. I knew I should have closed those damn shades. Oh well.
I trudge downstairs to find Tre and Mike in my kitchen. "Want anything special?" Mike says, looking at me.
"Just some vodka," I open the fridge and pull out a bottle.
"That's it!" I hear Tre yell and suddenly see him rushing toward's me. He picks me up and throws me on his shoulder and walks upstairs, Mike following.
He throws me on my bed and Mike sits on me. "Okay, you have 2... no 3 choices."
"Does one of them include you naked? 'Cause just so you know I think I'll be choosing that one," I say, laughing.
"Sadly, no. Choice one... you can stay here, drink vodka and lay on your bed... and with this choice I can't guarantee Tre not sexually harassing you. Choice two... you can come with me and Tre to see Billie and just face him already. Or three, you can take a shower, get dressed, and come to my house and help me paint my hallway," Mike gets off me and stands next to the bed. "What'll it be?"
Tre starts to get up and come towards me.
"Errr I'll choose the last one," I say, jumping out of bed to avoid Tre. I grab some clothes and walk into the bathroom door.
We arrive at Mike's and I look around. No ladder, no paint, no tarp or brushes.
"Err so how exactly are we gonna be painting your hallway?"
"We're not. I was just lying to get you here. We're gonna go see Billie," he says, grabbing his jacket. Tre laughs and pushes me out of the door.
We reach the hospital, sign in, and walk to Billie's room. "I've already seen him, and so has Tre, so it's your turn," Mike says, opening the door for me.
I walk into his room to see him sitting up, watching some talk show on the t.v. above.
"Hey!" Billie yells.
"Hi..." I sit down on a chair below the t.v.
"I know your mad... and for what it's worth, I'm sorry."
I cut him off. "Which is nothing."
He begins again. "I fucking thought I lost you okay! I've been so busy lately, and then I see you with Mike... when you didn't call I thought you didn't love me anymore... and I got a little carried away... i've just been under so much stress I... I didn't know what to do."
"I can't do this right now," I walk to the door and open it, finding Mike standing right in the way.
"Sit down and talk to him. If you don't now, you never will," Mike says as he pulls the door back closed.
I look up to Billie. "What do you want out of me Billie Joe?"
"I want you."
Silence.
I didn't know what to say... I couldn't forgive him... but I couldn't stay mad at him either.
He starts to cry, so I look down to the floor. "I want to forgive him... but I can't just let this go!" I yell in my head. "This isnt the time to hold a grudge. He's crying!"
I walk up to him and grab his hand. "Stop crying ok? I know you're sorry... and I want to forgive you I just... I can't go through this again! You told me you would never do this the last time."
"Ok ok. I know. And I will spend every day trying to make it up to you.. just please forgive me... I love you."
I nod and walk out of the door, heading to Mike's car.
***
Tee_cee: Are you and Billie okay? He's been looking sad lately.
Sanfrangirl: Yeah, i guess.
Sanfrangirl: Well not really.. it's like, there's this elephant in the room all the time. Some weird air.. like, were both being nice just to keep the other happy.. when we really don't want to be.
Tee_cee: Your still mad at him eh?
Sanfrangirl: I hold grudges, i can't help it. Your lucky you and i have never gotten in a fight, haha.
Tee_cee: Oh i wouldn't dare fight with almighty Darlene. :)
Sanfrangirl: Yeah yeah.
Tee_cee: Is that it? I mean, why don't you just tell him that your still mad?
Sanfrangirl: Well no its not just that. I mean, why does he make it so hard for me to care for him? Caring should never be hard.
Sanfrangirl: I hate to seem all emo, but you know that song 'Buried Myself Alive' by the Used? I kind of feel like that.
Tee_cee: I remember it vaguely, fuck if i know the words though.. show me.
Sanfrangirl: Ok hold on.
Sanfrangirl: You almost always pick the best times
To drop the worst lines
You almost made me cry again this time
Another false alarm
Red flashing lights
Well this time im not going to watch myself die
I think i made it a game to play your game
And let myself cry
I buried myself alive on the inside
So i could shut you out
And let you go away from a long time
I guess its okay i puked the day away.
I guess its better you trapped yourself in your own way
And if you want me back
You're gonna have to ask
Nicer than that
Tee_cee: Wow Darlene... i'm sorry.
Tee_cee: I suck at saying comforting stuff, so uh, i'll tell Mike to get on, okay? Talk to you later.
*Tee_cee has signed off*
I get up to grab another beer and head back to the living room. I sit down to see a new IM window already popped up.
bassman01: Are you okay?
Sanfrangirl: Yeah im fine, why?
bassman01: Tre said you weren't doing good...
Sanfrangirl: Mmm him and his mixed messages.
bassman01: So what's wrong
Sanfrangirl: Nothing's wrong! We were just talking about Billie.
bassman01: I'm sorry, i just wanted to make sure you were okay.. and what about Billie?
Sanfrangirl: Tre just said he was looking sad lately... as if i don't already have enough guilt in me.
bassman01: Guilt? Why? You didn't do anything.
Sanfrangirl: I feel guilty that i did. I don't know.. i mean isn't it normal.. Someone you love is sad and you automatically feel kind of guilty. Because if you don't make them happy then well.. you obviously make them sad.
bassman01: No. I mean... it might not be you at all. Billie has gone through alot in his life.. you know that... and maybe sometimes all of it just gets him down.
Sanfrangirl: I guess..i just think its my fault.. and i can't shake it so... until i see him not so sad, i'll keep feeling this way.
bassman01: Well if it counts at all,..you make me happy. Really happy.
Sanfrangirl: Heh.. thanks, it does count, alot. :)
bassman01: Good! I'm gonna get going now.. but i'll talk to you soon. bye bye.
Sanfrangirl: Okay, bye.
*bassman01 has signed off*
"I guess it's okay I puked the daaaay awaaaay, I guess it's better you trapped yourself in your own waaaay," I sing, standing up and walking towards the couch.
*billie_san is now online*
I look to my computer, wondering why he was on... he never comes on.
billie_san: Hey baby
"Meh, I really don't want to talk to him right now," I say outloud as I turn the t.v. channel.
billie_san: Darlene?
I look back again and decide to turn my status to 'away'
billie_san: Please baby talk to me.
Sanfrangirl: Sorrrryyy, i was getting some more soda, what's the matter?
billie_san: I saw what you wrote Mike.. and i'm sorry for making you feel guilty.
Sanfrangirl: Oh. Ok.
billie_san: Yup.... Uhm, i... so i'll see you when i get home ok?
Sanfrangirl: well im gonna head out to town in an hour or so, and i might still be gone, but i'll see you later tonight yep. Have fun.
billie_san: Ok i will. I love you so much, bye.
Sanfrangirl: Bye
I sign off and walk upstairs to get dressed.
I really need to get away.
I knock on the door a few times. "Darlene!" Mike yells, pulling me into a hug.
"Hey.. I just thought I'd come visit my favorite Mike."
He smiles and pulls me in his house. "I missed you," I kiss him on the cheek.
"I missed you too!" He grabs some beer and we sit down on his couch, talking for a while.
"I painted my bedroom this weekend, wanna see?" Mike says. I nod and follow him upstairs to his room.
"Ohhh it's like a shiny light blue color," I say, realising its almost the same color as Mike's eyes.
I sit down on Mike's bed while he turns on the radio. 'Live with me' by the Rolling Stones comes on. "Ohhh I love this song!" Mike yells. I laugh and look at his face. He was always so cute.
I remember when I first met the boys, I met Mike first. I was at this club in San Francisco, and I went and sat on the bar next to this man slumping over into his lap. I looked over a few minutes later and saw him looking around. 'Your friends leave you?" I say, turning to him.
He looks at me and shakes his head. He tries to get up but practically falls off the stool, so I grab him and hoist him out of the club. I search his pockets for his cell phone, finding it in the front left.
I pull it out and search through contacts..
'Billie
Brittany
Matt
Susan
Tre'
Wait... Billie and Tre? I look up at him better, realising he's Mike. I call Billie and ask him where Mike's staying. "Uhhh... at the Hilton. Room um, 318 I think."
I drag Mike to my car and drive to his hotel. I carry him up to his room, finding the key card earlier I open the door. Seeing as Billie didn't seem to be in much of a mood to baby-sit Mike, I stay at his hotel while he sleep's.
We kept in touch for a while, he thought I was nice and I thought the same of him. After getting to know each other Mike asks me out, and we had a few dates.
But it didn't really seem to work, he was kind of too shy for me then, so we broke up but alway's stayed friends.
Suddenly I feel lips up against mine and wake out of my daydream. It was Mike, and he was laying down on top of me. I was freaking out for a minute, but it felt so.... natural, I couldn't make him stop.
I didn't want to make him stop.
