The best love she ever had, chapter 14
I woke up to an empty bed. I sat up, feeling a huge hangover coming on.
I sat for a few minutes, silently hoping a truck would come through my house and kill me. I jumped up, remembering what was in Billie's dresser drawer.
"Much better." I walked downstairs and looked at the clock.
'5:49pm'
Fucking shit I slept long.
I grabbed a bottle of tequila and sat down on the couch, flipping through the t.v.
With each drink of liquor, my mind started to wander, instantly hitting a chord with the one thing I could never keep out of my thoughts - Billie. I thought back to the all the fun times we had, our first kiss, the day he proposed.
Then the not so pleasant memories came back.
The suicide note covered in blood flashed in my brain, mocking me. Finding Billie Joe on the floor of the studio, overdosed on coke. Not to mention all of the nights he came home sooped up on speed or heroin since then.
I suddenly felt better, remembering one of the first conversations we had together as a couple.
"I love you so much...please never die." Billie sits closer to me, a sad expression etched on his face.
"We all have to die sometime Billie."
"Well die after me... I mean I don't know what I would do.. I might get all cheesey and pull a romeo and juliet stunt."
"Heh, okay okay. Well both live until were nice and old and wrinkley, trust me."
"You jump, I jump," Billie says.
"What? I'm not Jack Dawson."
"No no...you jump, I jump. You do something to harm yourself, and I'll do it back. That way, if one of us die's the other will too."
That's right, I'll do it back. I tried as long as I could not too, taking care of Billie night after night when he came home fucked up. But not anymore, he can see what he's like. He can be scared about me now, I don't give a fuck. I grab the bag of heroin out of my pocket and grab the needle off of the table.
I take another swig of tequila, laying down, feeling the warmth of the drug.
You jump, I jump.
You jump, I jump.
"Darlene!" I hear someone yell, slightly opening my eyes to see Mike's face close to mine.
"What the fuck are you doing?" I get up as Mike stands there next to Billie, holding the needle.
They both look at me in anger, like I was the bad one.
"Fucking...hey look, the one day Billie's home and capable of taking care of himself. Woooooo."
I continue. "I'm off to enjoy my day, I bid you audeu."
I grab the bottle of tequila Mike put back in the fridge and start to walk upstairs.
Billie grabs me and turns me toward him.
"Don't you dare fucking do this."
"You jump, I jump." I say, smiling and proceeding to the bedroom, where I lay down and instantly fall back asleep.
I open my eyes and look over my shoulder, seeing billie asleep next to me. I slowly get up and sit on the edge of the bed, looking at Billie. I see a wet spot on his pillow right below his eye. He must have been crying. I felt so guilty...but I washed it away quickly chugging half a beer that was on the dresser.
It tasted like Billie. I always loved the way he tasted. Like no matter what he ate or if he drank fucking coffee right before I kissed him, he always tasted the same.
I get up, pull on some clothes and walk downstairs to soak my guilt in a nice warm cup of coffee. I sat at the kitchen table for a while trying to wake up when Billie Joe comes through the doorway. He grabs a cup of coffee and sits down across from me. Silence engulfs both of us for a few mintues before I decide to stand up and go watch t.v.
Half an hour later I sit in an empty house, all these bad memories popping up.
To get them out of my mind I decide to hop on the computer.. seeing if my friend Jen ever wrote me back.
'2 new emails'
Hey Darlene, it's ok really, i know youre having a hard time with Billie. I'll be at the coconut club tonight, you should stop by. We can have lots of old fashioned fun.
Take care.
Love ya like a sis,
Jen Jen
Yes Jen, because the first thing I want to do when i'm sad is get hit on by a bunch of assholes...no thanks. I press the back button, seeing a new email from Billie.
I hover my finger over the mouse for a minute.. thinking whether I should open it or not.
Finally curiousity strikes and I click on the link.
I...uh, wrote some things..
Oh tell me, love, and tell me truly
Do you believe this is forever?
Well I tell you, love, that I believe you
Oh, when you tell me that you will leave me never
Oh tell me, love, that all my words are a waste
Oh tell me, love, are my lips to your taste?
'Cause I want to please you, I want to please you
And tell me, love, do you know you amaze me?
You keep changing for the better with every passing day
Well, I'll tell you, love, sometimes it kinda scares me
I've got to keep on getting to you, so you don't get away.
And yeah...
I wonder just how long it would be, me without you, you without me.
We had a fight the other night about something or other
But it can't be too important if we love one another.
True love always seems to take a little bit longer
But Darlene, everytime we break up we make up a bit stronger so...oh, I'm gonna shut up now.
Oh and by the way.. I'm off the drugs, just thought I'd tell you. I'm off them because...of...um, you.
Well thats about it, I don't see reason to stay and talk about nothing, So..,I'm just gonna get back to working.
later.
Billie
I still love you..
I grabbed my purse and ran out the door as fast as I possibly could.
I ring Tre's phone. "Tre, come to the studio hall ok." I hang up.
A few moments later Tre comes walking down.
"What's this about?"
"Do me a favor, tell Billie you need to talk to him in the 2nd studio, like push him in the door and walk back, okay?"
"Um why?"
""I need to talk to him... but I need to do it privately."
"Oh right, and he's Mr. 'excuse' okay be right there."
I tiptoe into the 2nd studio as Tre walks away.
Trying to figure out what I should say...coming up with nothing.
I hear the door open so I hide in the darkness. I see billie get pushed in and Tre closing the door. Now's my que. I walk close to him and grab his face, kissing him.
He was tense at first but relaxed noticing it was just me.
"I'm so sorry," I say between each kiss.
I break away and look him in the eyes.
"I just love you so fucking much... I didn't know what to do.. you wouldn't listen."
"I know.. it's my fault. That's why I stopped...no drug is worth losing you."
*2 weeks later*
We finally arrive at Mike's party location, some huge mansion in the hill's.
"Appearantly were late," I say, seeing hundreds of people inside the house.
"I'm gonna find Mike," Bille says, walking away.
I decide to walk the opposite way toward's the beverages, finding Mike standing right on the other side of the table.
"Mikey!! Happy birthday!"
I say, giving him a hug over the table and kissing him on the cheek.
"Thanks Darlene," Mike says, smiling.
"I'm gonna go find BJ, he was looking for you."
I grab a beer and head to look for Billie. After a few minutes of looking all around the living room and kitchen I decide to look upstairs, figuring maybe he went to the bathroom.
I proceed to open each door, hoping to not find someone's ass up in the air.
I reach the third door and open it slowly seeing a dark outline of a person sitting with their back towards me. I click on the light. Billie quickly turns around, I guess wondering who it was. I saw the needle in his arm and his shocked face. I guess he wasn't expecting me. I ran out of the door and out of the house. I jumped into the car and drove home.
Once I got home I realised I was working really hard just to breathe. It was a familiar feeling. I felt it both times I thought Billie was dead. But this time I wasn't thinking he was dead, I was thinking I was. My heart felt crushed. I felt like, when someone gets shot right by their heart, and they know it's gonna take a few minutes to die. I layed down, trying to feel the way they would.
They lay there on the ground, thinking of how their entire world just came crumbling around them. Breathing in and out, wondering which one would be their last.
I got up, realising I wasn't going to die within a few minutes. I just felt like I was. I got up and headed to the kitchen, grabbing a bottle of vodka walking upstairs to the bathroom. I looked in the mirror a second before opening the medicine cabinet. I grabbed a bottle of painkillers and sat down on the floor, swallowing one after the other. I put the pills back and walked into the bedroom, searching all of Bill's clothes.
"He has to have something!" I say outloud, rummaging through his pants on the floor.
After a few minutes of searching I pull my hand out of one of his many pants and see a few pills. Speed.
'Here's to feeling better' I think to myself, popping them in my mouth. I lay down on the bed awhile, before I hear the front door open. I stand up, trying to keep my balance and walk slowly down to the stairs. I can barely keep my eyes open, but I do long enough to see Billie at the foot of the stairs.
"Are you okay?" I faintly heard Billie ask. I tried to respond but nothing would come up but a cough. Alot of coughing. I couldn't stop, so I attempted to sit down on the floor, which ended up to be more like falling. I could hear billie saying my name, each time it got quieter and quieter before I could no longer hear it.
I couldn't hear anything.
Or see anything.
Or feel anything.
I just layed there on the ground, getting dizzier and dizzier every second.
I sat for a few minutes, silently hoping a truck would come through my house and kill me. I jumped up, remembering what was in Billie's dresser drawer.
"Much better." I walked downstairs and looked at the clock.
'5:49pm'
Fucking shit I slept long.
I grabbed a bottle of tequila and sat down on the couch, flipping through the t.v.
With each drink of liquor, my mind started to wander, instantly hitting a chord with the one thing I could never keep out of my thoughts - Billie. I thought back to the all the fun times we had, our first kiss, the day he proposed.
Then the not so pleasant memories came back.
The suicide note covered in blood flashed in my brain, mocking me. Finding Billie Joe on the floor of the studio, overdosed on coke. Not to mention all of the nights he came home sooped up on speed or heroin since then.
I suddenly felt better, remembering one of the first conversations we had together as a couple.
"I love you so much...please never die." Billie sits closer to me, a sad expression etched on his face.
"We all have to die sometime Billie."
"Well die after me... I mean I don't know what I would do.. I might get all cheesey and pull a romeo and juliet stunt."
"Heh, okay okay. Well both live until were nice and old and wrinkley, trust me."
"You jump, I jump," Billie says.
"What? I'm not Jack Dawson."
"No no...you jump, I jump. You do something to harm yourself, and I'll do it back. That way, if one of us die's the other will too."
That's right, I'll do it back. I tried as long as I could not too, taking care of Billie night after night when he came home fucked up. But not anymore, he can see what he's like. He can be scared about me now, I don't give a fuck. I grab the bag of heroin out of my pocket and grab the needle off of the table.
I take another swig of tequila, laying down, feeling the warmth of the drug.
You jump, I jump.
You jump, I jump.
"Darlene!" I hear someone yell, slightly opening my eyes to see Mike's face close to mine.
"What the fuck are you doing?" I get up as Mike stands there next to Billie, holding the needle.
They both look at me in anger, like I was the bad one.
"Fucking...hey look, the one day Billie's home and capable of taking care of himself. Woooooo."
I continue. "I'm off to enjoy my day, I bid you audeu."
I grab the bottle of tequila Mike put back in the fridge and start to walk upstairs.
Billie grabs me and turns me toward him.
"Don't you dare fucking do this."
"You jump, I jump." I say, smiling and proceeding to the bedroom, where I lay down and instantly fall back asleep.
I open my eyes and look over my shoulder, seeing billie asleep next to me. I slowly get up and sit on the edge of the bed, looking at Billie. I see a wet spot on his pillow right below his eye. He must have been crying. I felt so guilty...but I washed it away quickly chugging half a beer that was on the dresser.
It tasted like Billie. I always loved the way he tasted. Like no matter what he ate or if he drank fucking coffee right before I kissed him, he always tasted the same.
I get up, pull on some clothes and walk downstairs to soak my guilt in a nice warm cup of coffee. I sat at the kitchen table for a while trying to wake up when Billie Joe comes through the doorway. He grabs a cup of coffee and sits down across from me. Silence engulfs both of us for a few mintues before I decide to stand up and go watch t.v.
Half an hour later I sit in an empty house, all these bad memories popping up.
To get them out of my mind I decide to hop on the computer.. seeing if my friend Jen ever wrote me back.
'2 new emails'
Hey Darlene, it's ok really, i know youre having a hard time with Billie. I'll be at the coconut club tonight, you should stop by. We can have lots of old fashioned fun.
Take care.
Love ya like a sis,
Jen Jen
Yes Jen, because the first thing I want to do when i'm sad is get hit on by a bunch of assholes...no thanks. I press the back button, seeing a new email from Billie.
I hover my finger over the mouse for a minute.. thinking whether I should open it or not.
Finally curiousity strikes and I click on the link.
I...uh, wrote some things..
Oh tell me, love, and tell me truly
Do you believe this is forever?
Well I tell you, love, that I believe you
Oh, when you tell me that you will leave me never
Oh tell me, love, that all my words are a waste
Oh tell me, love, are my lips to your taste?
'Cause I want to please you, I want to please you
And tell me, love, do you know you amaze me?
You keep changing for the better with every passing day
Well, I'll tell you, love, sometimes it kinda scares me
I've got to keep on getting to you, so you don't get away.
And yeah...
I wonder just how long it would be, me without you, you without me.
We had a fight the other night about something or other
But it can't be too important if we love one another.
True love always seems to take a little bit longer
But Darlene, everytime we break up we make up a bit stronger so...oh, I'm gonna shut up now.
Oh and by the way.. I'm off the drugs, just thought I'd tell you. I'm off them because...of...um, you.
Well thats about it, I don't see reason to stay and talk about nothing, So..,I'm just gonna get back to working.
later.
Billie
I still love you..
I grabbed my purse and ran out the door as fast as I possibly could.
I ring Tre's phone. "Tre, come to the studio hall ok." I hang up.
A few moments later Tre comes walking down.
"What's this about?"
"Do me a favor, tell Billie you need to talk to him in the 2nd studio, like push him in the door and walk back, okay?"
"Um why?"
""I need to talk to him... but I need to do it privately."
"Oh right, and he's Mr. 'excuse' okay be right there."
I tiptoe into the 2nd studio as Tre walks away.
Trying to figure out what I should say...coming up with nothing.
I hear the door open so I hide in the darkness. I see billie get pushed in and Tre closing the door. Now's my que. I walk close to him and grab his face, kissing him.
He was tense at first but relaxed noticing it was just me.
"I'm so sorry," I say between each kiss.
I break away and look him in the eyes.
"I just love you so fucking much... I didn't know what to do.. you wouldn't listen."
"I know.. it's my fault. That's why I stopped...no drug is worth losing you."
*2 weeks later*
We finally arrive at Mike's party location, some huge mansion in the hill's.
"Appearantly were late," I say, seeing hundreds of people inside the house.
"I'm gonna find Mike," Bille says, walking away.
I decide to walk the opposite way toward's the beverages, finding Mike standing right on the other side of the table.
"Mikey!! Happy birthday!"
I say, giving him a hug over the table and kissing him on the cheek.
"Thanks Darlene," Mike says, smiling.
"I'm gonna go find BJ, he was looking for you."
I grab a beer and head to look for Billie. After a few minutes of looking all around the living room and kitchen I decide to look upstairs, figuring maybe he went to the bathroom.
I proceed to open each door, hoping to not find someone's ass up in the air.
I reach the third door and open it slowly seeing a dark outline of a person sitting with their back towards me. I click on the light. Billie quickly turns around, I guess wondering who it was. I saw the needle in his arm and his shocked face. I guess he wasn't expecting me. I ran out of the door and out of the house. I jumped into the car and drove home.
Once I got home I realised I was working really hard just to breathe. It was a familiar feeling. I felt it both times I thought Billie was dead. But this time I wasn't thinking he was dead, I was thinking I was. My heart felt crushed. I felt like, when someone gets shot right by their heart, and they know it's gonna take a few minutes to die. I layed down, trying to feel the way they would.
They lay there on the ground, thinking of how their entire world just came crumbling around them. Breathing in and out, wondering which one would be their last.
I got up, realising I wasn't going to die within a few minutes. I just felt like I was. I got up and headed to the kitchen, grabbing a bottle of vodka walking upstairs to the bathroom. I looked in the mirror a second before opening the medicine cabinet. I grabbed a bottle of painkillers and sat down on the floor, swallowing one after the other. I put the pills back and walked into the bedroom, searching all of Bill's clothes.
"He has to have something!" I say outloud, rummaging through his pants on the floor.
After a few minutes of searching I pull my hand out of one of his many pants and see a few pills. Speed.
'Here's to feeling better' I think to myself, popping them in my mouth. I lay down on the bed awhile, before I hear the front door open. I stand up, trying to keep my balance and walk slowly down to the stairs. I can barely keep my eyes open, but I do long enough to see Billie at the foot of the stairs.
"Are you okay?" I faintly heard Billie ask. I tried to respond but nothing would come up but a cough. Alot of coughing. I couldn't stop, so I attempted to sit down on the floor, which ended up to be more like falling. I could hear billie saying my name, each time it got quieter and quieter before I could no longer hear it.
I couldn't hear anything.
Or see anything.
Or feel anything.
I just layed there on the ground, getting dizzier and dizzier every second.
