Photographs And Still Frames In Your Mind, chapter 5
And that was how it was. Staci acted like Kate's friend, whenever she could, but talked behind her back, spreading gossip, and making everyone too scared to even answer Kate's questions. Kate had started to spend as much time as she could with him and Mike, sitting with them by the gates before school, and had discovered how hard it was to turn up to registration on time. All this made Staci even angrier, and when they were together it was a safe bet that Staci would be close by.
Looking back now he knew that it had all gone wrong right from the start. He took a deep breath and looked out into the empty night, thinking for a moment. Still the same. He always asked himself, if he could go back and live that week again, would he do it differently. And he always came to the same conclusion. No. he would do it the same, but maybe with one small change. He would savor every second. However that didn't make it any easier to bear.
And though he'd put it off. Now the end was looming. It hung right there in front of his eyes against the dark night sky. Frozen. Waiting. Waiting for him to accept that he had to see it again. Waiting for him to come to that inevitable conclusion that if he went over it again he would find the small trigger that would explain everything, but knowing, deep down, that he wouldn't.
And so he let himself submerge, once again, into his memories. This time back to that Friday. Why had it had to end that way? It had been such a warm sunny day, however he had not been able to enjoy it. His mind, like so often that week, was on other things.
He could think of nothing but Kate and had become uncharacteristically quiet. He knew that Mike was becoming worried. Mike knew there was something bothering him, and in last lesson, that day, he had even tried to cheer him up by flicking paper balls at their teacher every time he turned around to write on the board. This was something Billie would have normally done, so it was he who got the blame, and the detention. He wasn't mad at Mike, but his mum wouldn't be happy when he got in late that day.
That was how he had missed what had happened when school finished.
He was walking out of the main doors, an hour latter, when he heard sobbing. Who could that be? Everyone had lest for home. The school was virtually deserted.
He followed the sound round the side of the school and rounded a corner to find Kate sitting on the floor with her back against the wall. Her face was red and she looked like she'd been crying for a long time. It struck him how he'd never seen her without a smile on her face. How could it have all vanished? Her knees were slightly drawn up and she was scribbling in a book which she was resting on her lap. He didn't know how long he just stood there watching her, but finally he walked towards her and said, "Would you like some company?"
She looked up, surprised to see anyone, but didn't reply. She just tried to wipe some of the tears away with a crumpled tissue. He sat down next to her.
"I take it you're having a bad day too," he said. They sat in silence for what seemed like hours, but it was enough to know that he was there for her. Finally Billie asked, "What's that?" and nodded towards the book in Kate's lap.
"My note book. When things happen I write or draw something in it. Poems, songs, whatever I feel like."
"Can I see?" asked Billie.
Kate was silent for a while then said, "If you really want to, I guess I don't mind you seeing it. Just promise me one thing.
"Anything," replied Billie solemnly.
"Don't laugh."
"Why would I?"
"Other people have," said Kate with a sob.
"I promise," he said. She closed it and handed it to him. It ha once been a regular notebook, plain and boring, but Kate had doodled and stuck stickers all over the cover. It was bashed at the edges and he got the impression that it was quite old.
He held it carefully. Not only because he feared that it would fall apart, but also because he could tell that it was something which she treasured. He began to turn the pages and saw page after page of notes, scribbled pen drawings, poems and songs. Some pages were very neat and showed pictures of smiling people, he guessed they where her friends. Others were covered in masses of black pen and were hardly legible, many of which were wrinkled with tear stains.
Over the short time he had known Kate it had never ceased to amaze him, how she was always smiling, regardless of what people were saying. Now he had found her outlet. Pages in a crumpled book filled with sorrow, misery, and now her loneliness. Drawings of broken hearts, tears and storm clouds surrounded poems and songs filled with anger and misery.
He turned to the page she had been writing on. At the top of the page, in bold letters, was written "What you call 'normal'". It was a poem. He read it, for the first time, sitting there on the cold floor, by the school, next to Kate.
What You Call "Normal"
People in jeans and labels
Those who act like all the rest
Ones who read the popular mags
Are they who pass your test?
Girls hitching up their skirts
Boys acting tough for their mates
Choosing friends for their coolness
All sharing common hates
Hates for those who are not "normal"
And have no desire to be
Ones whop with to be individual
Who enjoy to standout, like me
Is it 'cos we don't wear your fashion
Or may be the mad things we do?
Is it what be watch and read?
Is it 'cos we're not like you?
So you shout at us across the corridor
Try turning our thoughts to turmoil
Constantly putting us down
Because we're not what you call "normal"
When he reached the end he closed the book carefully and handed it back. "So you just had it with you?" he said. He didn't know what else to say. Kate had just shown him how she really felt. He didn't know what to do. He wanted to hold her and tell her that he would never let her be sad again, but he knew that it was something that he could never promise, no matter how muck he wanted to.
"I carry it everywhere with me. I guess I see it as a kind of good luck charm," she said in a voice which showed she wished that she could find a better way to describe it.
"I like you for being yourself," said Billie. "What does normal mean anyway?"
Now he did put his arm around her shoulders. "Do you want to tell me what happened?" he asked, expecting her to say no or say she would be OK.
But instead she said "You didn't hear?" sounding surprised.
"No, should I have?" he asked.
"I thought everyone saw, or knew someone who saw."
"Well Mike got me a detention."
"Remind me to thank him," she said with the faintest shadow of a smile. "It was Staci," she started. Well it would be wouldn't it? Billie could feel the guilt growing inside him. "Just as we were walking to the gates she came up to me and invited me over to her house." Now the smile had vanished again and she was on the verge of tears. "Well, of course I didn't want to go so I said that I'd promised to help my mom out. But she insisted that it would only be for half an hour. Well I didn't know how to get out of it without her hating me even more, so I said OK. Then she... " Kate sobbed. "She kissed me." Billie was a bit taken aback by this, but let Kate continue. "She threw her arms around me like she was hugging a good friend and then she kissed me, but immediately pushed me away from her as hard as she could. 'She kissed me!' she screamed at the top of her voice and ran to her gang. 'The freak kissed me!' I had no idea what had happened but everyone was laughing at me and shouting abuse at me."
She was crying again now. He pulled her closer. She rested her head on his shoulder and he rested his head on top of hers.
"So I ran around here," she finished. He could feel the guilt gnawing inside him.
"It's all my fault," he muttered in confession.
"How is it?" sobbed Kate. "She hates me."
"Because of me," said Billie.
Kate pulled away and stared at him. "Why because of you?"
"She told me to stay away from you. Haven't you seen her hanging around everywhere?"
"Because she hates me," insisted Kate.
"Because I'd rather be with you than with her," he explained. "She ambushed me on Monday and told me so herself."
"Don't blame yourself," she said.
"Look, may be it would be better for both of us if we don't hang out together anymore. Staci will stop bugging you and you can make some more friends." He wished he didn't have to say it, but he knew it was what he had to do.
"But you're my friend," she said, her eyes welling up with tears again. He just had to look at her to know that he couldn't just walk away and say good buy.
"Well, may be we could meat up after school, where Staci is no where near." He thought for a moment. "Look, we're playing at Gilman Street tonight. Do you wanna come?"
Now she did smile. "I'd love to," she said.
"You know I should really be getting home. Mike will be wondering where I am." He said.
"He's always round your house," commented Kate.
"Well he would be," replied Billie. "Since he lives there." Kate gave him a surprised look.
"It's a long story," explained Billie. "Someone will be looking for you too. Come on," he said helping her to her feet. I'll walk you home."
They walked to the gates in silence, holding hands. When they reached them Billie stopped.
"So... " said Billie. "Where do you live again?"
Kate smiled. "This way," she said, and they set of towards her house. By the time they reached her house she had cheered up a lot.
He walked her up to the door and was going to leave when she said his name. They were standing so close. He didn't reply. He didn't need to. They kissed, and in that moment he forgot everything that had been bothering him. He wished that it never had to end, but, like all good things, it did.
"Thank you for caring," she said.
"You're welcome," he replied. "See you tonight."
"Yeah, see you," she said. And as he turned and walked away, despite everything that had happened that week, he was smiling.
Looking back now he knew that it had all gone wrong right from the start. He took a deep breath and looked out into the empty night, thinking for a moment. Still the same. He always asked himself, if he could go back and live that week again, would he do it differently. And he always came to the same conclusion. No. he would do it the same, but maybe with one small change. He would savor every second. However that didn't make it any easier to bear.
And though he'd put it off. Now the end was looming. It hung right there in front of his eyes against the dark night sky. Frozen. Waiting. Waiting for him to accept that he had to see it again. Waiting for him to come to that inevitable conclusion that if he went over it again he would find the small trigger that would explain everything, but knowing, deep down, that he wouldn't.
And so he let himself submerge, once again, into his memories. This time back to that Friday. Why had it had to end that way? It had been such a warm sunny day, however he had not been able to enjoy it. His mind, like so often that week, was on other things.
He could think of nothing but Kate and had become uncharacteristically quiet. He knew that Mike was becoming worried. Mike knew there was something bothering him, and in last lesson, that day, he had even tried to cheer him up by flicking paper balls at their teacher every time he turned around to write on the board. This was something Billie would have normally done, so it was he who got the blame, and the detention. He wasn't mad at Mike, but his mum wouldn't be happy when he got in late that day.
That was how he had missed what had happened when school finished.
He was walking out of the main doors, an hour latter, when he heard sobbing. Who could that be? Everyone had lest for home. The school was virtually deserted.
He followed the sound round the side of the school and rounded a corner to find Kate sitting on the floor with her back against the wall. Her face was red and she looked like she'd been crying for a long time. It struck him how he'd never seen her without a smile on her face. How could it have all vanished? Her knees were slightly drawn up and she was scribbling in a book which she was resting on her lap. He didn't know how long he just stood there watching her, but finally he walked towards her and said, "Would you like some company?"
She looked up, surprised to see anyone, but didn't reply. She just tried to wipe some of the tears away with a crumpled tissue. He sat down next to her.
"I take it you're having a bad day too," he said. They sat in silence for what seemed like hours, but it was enough to know that he was there for her. Finally Billie asked, "What's that?" and nodded towards the book in Kate's lap.
"My note book. When things happen I write or draw something in it. Poems, songs, whatever I feel like."
"Can I see?" asked Billie.
Kate was silent for a while then said, "If you really want to, I guess I don't mind you seeing it. Just promise me one thing.
"Anything," replied Billie solemnly.
"Don't laugh."
"Why would I?"
"Other people have," said Kate with a sob.
"I promise," he said. She closed it and handed it to him. It ha once been a regular notebook, plain and boring, but Kate had doodled and stuck stickers all over the cover. It was bashed at the edges and he got the impression that it was quite old.
He held it carefully. Not only because he feared that it would fall apart, but also because he could tell that it was something which she treasured. He began to turn the pages and saw page after page of notes, scribbled pen drawings, poems and songs. Some pages were very neat and showed pictures of smiling people, he guessed they where her friends. Others were covered in masses of black pen and were hardly legible, many of which were wrinkled with tear stains.
Over the short time he had known Kate it had never ceased to amaze him, how she was always smiling, regardless of what people were saying. Now he had found her outlet. Pages in a crumpled book filled with sorrow, misery, and now her loneliness. Drawings of broken hearts, tears and storm clouds surrounded poems and songs filled with anger and misery.
He turned to the page she had been writing on. At the top of the page, in bold letters, was written "What you call 'normal'". It was a poem. He read it, for the first time, sitting there on the cold floor, by the school, next to Kate.
What You Call "Normal"
People in jeans and labels
Those who act like all the rest
Ones who read the popular mags
Are they who pass your test?
Girls hitching up their skirts
Boys acting tough for their mates
Choosing friends for their coolness
All sharing common hates
Hates for those who are not "normal"
And have no desire to be
Ones whop with to be individual
Who enjoy to standout, like me
Is it 'cos we don't wear your fashion
Or may be the mad things we do?
Is it what be watch and read?
Is it 'cos we're not like you?
So you shout at us across the corridor
Try turning our thoughts to turmoil
Constantly putting us down
Because we're not what you call "normal"
When he reached the end he closed the book carefully and handed it back. "So you just had it with you?" he said. He didn't know what else to say. Kate had just shown him how she really felt. He didn't know what to do. He wanted to hold her and tell her that he would never let her be sad again, but he knew that it was something that he could never promise, no matter how muck he wanted to.
"I carry it everywhere with me. I guess I see it as a kind of good luck charm," she said in a voice which showed she wished that she could find a better way to describe it.
"I like you for being yourself," said Billie. "What does normal mean anyway?"
Now he did put his arm around her shoulders. "Do you want to tell me what happened?" he asked, expecting her to say no or say she would be OK.
But instead she said "You didn't hear?" sounding surprised.
"No, should I have?" he asked.
"I thought everyone saw, or knew someone who saw."
"Well Mike got me a detention."
"Remind me to thank him," she said with the faintest shadow of a smile. "It was Staci," she started. Well it would be wouldn't it? Billie could feel the guilt growing inside him. "Just as we were walking to the gates she came up to me and invited me over to her house." Now the smile had vanished again and she was on the verge of tears. "Well, of course I didn't want to go so I said that I'd promised to help my mom out. But she insisted that it would only be for half an hour. Well I didn't know how to get out of it without her hating me even more, so I said OK. Then she... " Kate sobbed. "She kissed me." Billie was a bit taken aback by this, but let Kate continue. "She threw her arms around me like she was hugging a good friend and then she kissed me, but immediately pushed me away from her as hard as she could. 'She kissed me!' she screamed at the top of her voice and ran to her gang. 'The freak kissed me!' I had no idea what had happened but everyone was laughing at me and shouting abuse at me."
She was crying again now. He pulled her closer. She rested her head on his shoulder and he rested his head on top of hers.
"So I ran around here," she finished. He could feel the guilt gnawing inside him.
"It's all my fault," he muttered in confession.
"How is it?" sobbed Kate. "She hates me."
"Because of me," said Billie.
Kate pulled away and stared at him. "Why because of you?"
"She told me to stay away from you. Haven't you seen her hanging around everywhere?"
"Because she hates me," insisted Kate.
"Because I'd rather be with you than with her," he explained. "She ambushed me on Monday and told me so herself."
"Don't blame yourself," she said.
"Look, may be it would be better for both of us if we don't hang out together anymore. Staci will stop bugging you and you can make some more friends." He wished he didn't have to say it, but he knew it was what he had to do.
"But you're my friend," she said, her eyes welling up with tears again. He just had to look at her to know that he couldn't just walk away and say good buy.
"Well, may be we could meat up after school, where Staci is no where near." He thought for a moment. "Look, we're playing at Gilman Street tonight. Do you wanna come?"
Now she did smile. "I'd love to," she said.
"You know I should really be getting home. Mike will be wondering where I am." He said.
"He's always round your house," commented Kate.
"Well he would be," replied Billie. "Since he lives there." Kate gave him a surprised look.
"It's a long story," explained Billie. "Someone will be looking for you too. Come on," he said helping her to her feet. I'll walk you home."
They walked to the gates in silence, holding hands. When they reached them Billie stopped.
"So... " said Billie. "Where do you live again?"
Kate smiled. "This way," she said, and they set of towards her house. By the time they reached her house she had cheered up a lot.
He walked her up to the door and was going to leave when she said his name. They were standing so close. He didn't reply. He didn't need to. They kissed, and in that moment he forgot everything that had been bothering him. He wished that it never had to end, but, like all good things, it did.
"Thank you for caring," she said.
"You're welcome," he replied. "See you tonight."
"Yeah, see you," she said. And as he turned and walked away, despite everything that had happened that week, he was smiling.
