All That I've Got (sequel to 'Everyone's Heart Doesn't Beat the Same'), chapter 1
I woke up, not remembering what was going on or what had happened the last night until I felt those arms being wrapped around me. I turned to find Billie Joe sleeping soundly under a tree with me. I never wanted to leave his arms. I felt like this was the only place I felt like I belonged. I couldn’t help but look at his face to memorize every detail, every angle. He was… perfect. I felt somewhat peaceful, as if nothing could harm me. I smiled to myself. How this felt right!
My eyes traveled down to his arms where his hands lay scooping me up within them. It was then that I noticed and remembered something that I really wish I hadn’t: he was married. I really felt dirty. I looked off at my finger where my ring was and felt like crying. I hated knowing that something, some event or someone could possibly ruin a relationship. There was Lucas, and Tre’, and Billie Joe. I really wished things could possibly just be alright, but I knew in my heart that there could never be. I was just foolish. I really didn’t want to ruin the moment, so I tried thinking of better things and better memories, such as the one I am making now.
I watched as the sun rays danced through the trees and how each little beam fell and sparkled, especially one that shone on Billie Joe’s raven hair. I wanted to kiss him. I sighed and closed my eyes, trying to get the most out of this moment as possible. I didn’t want to take things for granted anymore and just let every day pass me by. I wanted to make something of my life, rather than just waste it.
I opened my eyes to come face to face with the emerald ones. I smiled as I saw them glisten. I never truly did see them glisten this brilliantly before. He smiled back at me and ran his hands through my hair. God, did that feel good. I never wanted him to stop. I just wanted time to stop. His lips brushed against mine in an intense kiss. I could feel heat rushing through me begging for him to do more, so both our bodies would collide together in this endless passion… but this was just another fantasy never coming true because in all truth, I felt that there wasn’t going to be a way in which he was mine and I was his forever. I guess there was no easy way, huh? I felt sick.
“Hi.� He whispered to me.
“Hey.�
He slowly traced my cheek with his thumb and left trails of soft kisses along my collarbone. I moaned softly. I couldn’t resist anymore. I needed him…
His cell phone suddenly began to ring. What now? The tune was familiar… why?
I'll be just fine
Pretending I'm not
I'm far from lonely
And it's all that I've got
I'll be just fine
Pretending I'm not
I'm far from lonely
And it's all that I've got
I’ve heard that song so many times before. I mean, I hang out with Bert McCracken for gosh sakes! He answered. “Hello?� “No.� “What?� “OK, I’ll be right there.� His voice sounded a bit urgent.
“Laurie, I have to… go… you see, I-“
“Your wife, Adrienne isn’t it, needs you, huh?� My eyes glistened with a few stray tears. I pleaded that they wouldn’t fall. Not yet…
He nodded sheepishly and grinned sadly. I wish he’d wipe that damn smile off his face. It was making me feel even worse. Hell, after one night I could’ve figured it was going to end somewhat like this. I mean, I knew he was married. I knew there were things in the past I should let go. Then, why do I keep holding onto him? Shouldn’t I let go? I don’t understand anything. Everything’s confusing. Everything’s a blur. Wasn’t he going to… you know, divorce her? I can’t think that. It’s foolish to think of such things. Did you ever know that the one person you truly love can make you life be both in Heaven and in the dark flaming abyss of hell? My tears were soon gone, replaced by sudden frustration and anger. I knew it was going to end this way. I just thought… that I’d be the one to leave yet again… but those plans, every one of them, backfire on me. I end up hurting myself. I should just stop trying, huh? I really should. Is it even worth it?
“Go.�
“Laurie, I-“
“Just go, OK?� I tried not to let my words sound too harsh or emotional but it’s hard when you love someone that much. It seems like your whole world is just falling apart. For me, my whole world already fell apart a long time ago. It was about fourteen years ago. Right when I think it’s rebuilding itself, a stupid earthquake comes and knocks the whole thing down again. And so far, some parts of the puzzle of my world are missing.
I turned my back and looked away, far away singing a song quietly to forget about him. It actually made me remember him more.
If you carry on this way
Things are better if I stay
So long and goodnight
So long and goodnight
I wish he’d stay… forever. I know that’s impossible. He’ll leave, just like everyone else. Everyone left when I needed them most. Lucas died when I needed him most. My parents died when I needed them most. My friends from high school betrayed me when I needed them most. But I never thought Billie Joe would ever betray me, but he did with his feelings and his smile and his love.
He went closer to me and tried wrapping his arms around me as if saying a final goodbye. I hated goodbyes.
“Don’t touch me.� I said harshly, venom dripping from every solitary word I spoke.
“Laurie, please-“
“Just go. I’ll ask Frank, Gerard, Bert, Aryana, even Mike or Tre’ to pick me up. You can go. I don’t need you.� God was I lying.
“…Alright.� I could hear his footsteps fading into the sunlight. When I made sure he was completely out of sight (which he was) I fell to my knees and cried. I didn’t want this, any of this.
So what’s the worst thing I can say?
Things are better if I stay
So long and goodnight
So long and goodnight
My cell phone rang in its new ring tone. I picked up, trying my best not to sound like I was crying. Aryana believed that crying was for the weak.
“Hello?� I asked. Too late. My voice sounded really shaky.
“Holy, shit. Laurie, are you alright?� it was Frank.
“Yeah, I’m just peachy, Frank.� I was really sarcastic.
“Where are you? Do you want me to come get you?�
“Yes, p-please; I r-really need help. I’m at… the nearest park to where the guys w-were playing last night.� I sobbed into the phone.
“Hold on, Laurie. I’m coming to get you. Everything will be alright.�
“No it won’t. No… it… won’t. Not ever!� I lost hope in myself and in everything. Frank didn’t hear me. He already hung up.
Just please let this all be a dream… Please… I asked God. I closed my eyes and opened them, I pinched myself and got a rose and with its thorns I cut myself in order to prove I was dreaming. All I knew was that there was blood. Small streams of blood trickled down my skin. Was it all worth it?
I fell to the floor in tears and agony when someone gently lifted me up. I knew it wasn’t Billie Joe. It couldn’t be. I knew exactly who it was.
“Come on, Laurie. It’s OK.� I collapsed and cried right onto his chest. He tried soothing me by playing with strands of my hair. He held me close and let me cry. I stayed there crying endless tears until I could cry no more.
“Is everything just a little better?� he asked me softly.
“No, not really, but thanks for helping me.� I managed. He smiled softly at me. I couldn’t bear to look at him for his eyes reminded me of those emerald eyes of Billie Joe. Why couldn’t I just forget him? Why can’t I erase the past? Why?
“It’ll all be OK, Laurie.�
“No it won’t. It never will be because there’s no easy way, Frank.� I said.
“We’re going to the concert hall again today, alright/ Everyone was looking for you to see if you were OK.�
“I was… until Adrienne-“
“Ah, the wife.� Frank mentioned.
“Yeah… you figure these things out really easily don’t you? Well, yes. I don’t know how much more I can take, Frankie.� He hated it when someone called him Frankie or Little Frankie, but this time he didn’t seem to mind.
“It’s a gift. Don’t worry. Things will work out, trust me.�
“You know how many times I trusted someone but then they let me down?�
“Have I ever let you down?� he asked softly.
“No…�
“Then you can trust me.�
“It’s not that easy, Frank. I’m sorry.� I let my head droop, but he put his hand under my chin and lifted it up to face me. it was so eerily similar to the time when Billie Joe did that to me when I was feeling depressed. I shivered.
“Hey, it’s alright, Laurie. I understand.� He smiled as best he could. I couldn’t smile back no matter how much I tried.
We just walked in silence to the hall. We entered our room to see the white faces of Regina, Bert, Gerard, Aryana, Mike, and Tre’.
“Found her!� Frank yelled. Aryana screamed and threw her arms around me. I could’ve sworn I saw a tear fall from both Gerard’s and Bert’s eyes.
“Are you guys crying?� I asked disbelievingly.
“No!� Gerard and Bert replied in unison. “We were… yawning. Yeah, that’s it!�
“Right…� I almost smiled from that.
“Wow… so what happened?� Regina asked.
“It was a long story.�
“Well, maybe we can cheer you up a bit, Laurie.� Tre’ said. He looked to Mike who looked to Bert who looked to Gerard who looked to Frank who looked to Aryana who looked back to Tre’.
“What’s going on?� I asked.
“Well, we wanted you to come with us-“Mike began.
“And we’re not taking no for an answer.� Bert added.
“Yeah, well, as I was saying,� Mike started again. “We’re all going on tour together! It’s going to be Green Day with The Used with My Chemical Romance!� They all cheered. I tried smiling and actually managed a weak smile.
“Yeah, great… Um, I need to go to the bathroom for one second, excuse me.� I tried not to sound so glum.
“OK.� Everyone said amidst their cheers.
Wow, a tour… I couldn’t help it but I feel so… depressed right now. I didn’t know exactly how to describe it, but I sensed a strange premonition that going on tour with them wasn’t such a good idea.
My eyes traveled down to his arms where his hands lay scooping me up within them. It was then that I noticed and remembered something that I really wish I hadn’t: he was married. I really felt dirty. I looked off at my finger where my ring was and felt like crying. I hated knowing that something, some event or someone could possibly ruin a relationship. There was Lucas, and Tre’, and Billie Joe. I really wished things could possibly just be alright, but I knew in my heart that there could never be. I was just foolish. I really didn’t want to ruin the moment, so I tried thinking of better things and better memories, such as the one I am making now.
I watched as the sun rays danced through the trees and how each little beam fell and sparkled, especially one that shone on Billie Joe’s raven hair. I wanted to kiss him. I sighed and closed my eyes, trying to get the most out of this moment as possible. I didn’t want to take things for granted anymore and just let every day pass me by. I wanted to make something of my life, rather than just waste it.
I opened my eyes to come face to face with the emerald ones. I smiled as I saw them glisten. I never truly did see them glisten this brilliantly before. He smiled back at me and ran his hands through my hair. God, did that feel good. I never wanted him to stop. I just wanted time to stop. His lips brushed against mine in an intense kiss. I could feel heat rushing through me begging for him to do more, so both our bodies would collide together in this endless passion… but this was just another fantasy never coming true because in all truth, I felt that there wasn’t going to be a way in which he was mine and I was his forever. I guess there was no easy way, huh? I felt sick.
“Hi.� He whispered to me.
“Hey.�
He slowly traced my cheek with his thumb and left trails of soft kisses along my collarbone. I moaned softly. I couldn’t resist anymore. I needed him…
His cell phone suddenly began to ring. What now? The tune was familiar… why?
I'll be just fine
Pretending I'm not
I'm far from lonely
And it's all that I've got
I'll be just fine
Pretending I'm not
I'm far from lonely
And it's all that I've got
I’ve heard that song so many times before. I mean, I hang out with Bert McCracken for gosh sakes! He answered. “Hello?� “No.� “What?� “OK, I’ll be right there.� His voice sounded a bit urgent.
“Laurie, I have to… go… you see, I-“
“Your wife, Adrienne isn’t it, needs you, huh?� My eyes glistened with a few stray tears. I pleaded that they wouldn’t fall. Not yet…
He nodded sheepishly and grinned sadly. I wish he’d wipe that damn smile off his face. It was making me feel even worse. Hell, after one night I could’ve figured it was going to end somewhat like this. I mean, I knew he was married. I knew there were things in the past I should let go. Then, why do I keep holding onto him? Shouldn’t I let go? I don’t understand anything. Everything’s confusing. Everything’s a blur. Wasn’t he going to… you know, divorce her? I can’t think that. It’s foolish to think of such things. Did you ever know that the one person you truly love can make you life be both in Heaven and in the dark flaming abyss of hell? My tears were soon gone, replaced by sudden frustration and anger. I knew it was going to end this way. I just thought… that I’d be the one to leave yet again… but those plans, every one of them, backfire on me. I end up hurting myself. I should just stop trying, huh? I really should. Is it even worth it?
“Go.�
“Laurie, I-“
“Just go, OK?� I tried not to let my words sound too harsh or emotional but it’s hard when you love someone that much. It seems like your whole world is just falling apart. For me, my whole world already fell apart a long time ago. It was about fourteen years ago. Right when I think it’s rebuilding itself, a stupid earthquake comes and knocks the whole thing down again. And so far, some parts of the puzzle of my world are missing.
I turned my back and looked away, far away singing a song quietly to forget about him. It actually made me remember him more.
If you carry on this way
Things are better if I stay
So long and goodnight
So long and goodnight
I wish he’d stay… forever. I know that’s impossible. He’ll leave, just like everyone else. Everyone left when I needed them most. Lucas died when I needed him most. My parents died when I needed them most. My friends from high school betrayed me when I needed them most. But I never thought Billie Joe would ever betray me, but he did with his feelings and his smile and his love.
He went closer to me and tried wrapping his arms around me as if saying a final goodbye. I hated goodbyes.
“Don’t touch me.� I said harshly, venom dripping from every solitary word I spoke.
“Laurie, please-“
“Just go. I’ll ask Frank, Gerard, Bert, Aryana, even Mike or Tre’ to pick me up. You can go. I don’t need you.� God was I lying.
“…Alright.� I could hear his footsteps fading into the sunlight. When I made sure he was completely out of sight (which he was) I fell to my knees and cried. I didn’t want this, any of this.
So what’s the worst thing I can say?
Things are better if I stay
So long and goodnight
So long and goodnight
My cell phone rang in its new ring tone. I picked up, trying my best not to sound like I was crying. Aryana believed that crying was for the weak.
“Hello?� I asked. Too late. My voice sounded really shaky.
“Holy, shit. Laurie, are you alright?� it was Frank.
“Yeah, I’m just peachy, Frank.� I was really sarcastic.
“Where are you? Do you want me to come get you?�
“Yes, p-please; I r-really need help. I’m at… the nearest park to where the guys w-were playing last night.� I sobbed into the phone.
“Hold on, Laurie. I’m coming to get you. Everything will be alright.�
“No it won’t. No… it… won’t. Not ever!� I lost hope in myself and in everything. Frank didn’t hear me. He already hung up.
Just please let this all be a dream… Please… I asked God. I closed my eyes and opened them, I pinched myself and got a rose and with its thorns I cut myself in order to prove I was dreaming. All I knew was that there was blood. Small streams of blood trickled down my skin. Was it all worth it?
I fell to the floor in tears and agony when someone gently lifted me up. I knew it wasn’t Billie Joe. It couldn’t be. I knew exactly who it was.
“Come on, Laurie. It’s OK.� I collapsed and cried right onto his chest. He tried soothing me by playing with strands of my hair. He held me close and let me cry. I stayed there crying endless tears until I could cry no more.
“Is everything just a little better?� he asked me softly.
“No, not really, but thanks for helping me.� I managed. He smiled softly at me. I couldn’t bear to look at him for his eyes reminded me of those emerald eyes of Billie Joe. Why couldn’t I just forget him? Why can’t I erase the past? Why?
“It’ll all be OK, Laurie.�
“No it won’t. It never will be because there’s no easy way, Frank.� I said.
“We’re going to the concert hall again today, alright/ Everyone was looking for you to see if you were OK.�
“I was… until Adrienne-“
“Ah, the wife.� Frank mentioned.
“Yeah… you figure these things out really easily don’t you? Well, yes. I don’t know how much more I can take, Frankie.� He hated it when someone called him Frankie or Little Frankie, but this time he didn’t seem to mind.
“It’s a gift. Don’t worry. Things will work out, trust me.�
“You know how many times I trusted someone but then they let me down?�
“Have I ever let you down?� he asked softly.
“No…�
“Then you can trust me.�
“It’s not that easy, Frank. I’m sorry.� I let my head droop, but he put his hand under my chin and lifted it up to face me. it was so eerily similar to the time when Billie Joe did that to me when I was feeling depressed. I shivered.
“Hey, it’s alright, Laurie. I understand.� He smiled as best he could. I couldn’t smile back no matter how much I tried.
We just walked in silence to the hall. We entered our room to see the white faces of Regina, Bert, Gerard, Aryana, Mike, and Tre’.
“Found her!� Frank yelled. Aryana screamed and threw her arms around me. I could’ve sworn I saw a tear fall from both Gerard’s and Bert’s eyes.
“Are you guys crying?� I asked disbelievingly.
“No!� Gerard and Bert replied in unison. “We were… yawning. Yeah, that’s it!�
“Right…� I almost smiled from that.
“Wow… so what happened?� Regina asked.
“It was a long story.�
“Well, maybe we can cheer you up a bit, Laurie.� Tre’ said. He looked to Mike who looked to Bert who looked to Gerard who looked to Frank who looked to Aryana who looked back to Tre’.
“What’s going on?� I asked.
“Well, we wanted you to come with us-“Mike began.
“And we’re not taking no for an answer.� Bert added.
“Yeah, well, as I was saying,� Mike started again. “We’re all going on tour together! It’s going to be Green Day with The Used with My Chemical Romance!� They all cheered. I tried smiling and actually managed a weak smile.
“Yeah, great… Um, I need to go to the bathroom for one second, excuse me.� I tried not to sound so glum.
“OK.� Everyone said amidst their cheers.
Wow, a tour… I couldn’t help it but I feel so… depressed right now. I didn’t know exactly how to describe it, but I sensed a strange premonition that going on tour with them wasn’t such a good idea.
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