I Still Think About You, chapter 3

As tired as I was, surprisingly I woke up at 5 in the morning not being able to sleep anymore. Lately my head was just filled with things to worry about and things I needed to do, making it just that much harder for me to fall asleep and stay asleep.

I lay there for about 30 minutes, that's as long as I can lay in a bed awake. Otherwise I feel like I need to be doing something constructive. So I looked over across the room to where Billie was sleeping... his arm was draped over the side of the couch and he was snoring slightly... most likely he would be asleep 'til 12 in the afternoon. I quietly stood up and made my way over to the door and pulled it open. Then I proceeded down the stairs and quietly into the family room where Mike was... and still asleep. I hate being the only one up! Just then I heard footsteps coming down the hallway upstairs and then they slowly descended down the stairs. Then I couldn't hear them anymore...

I started to turn around so I could walk back upstairs to try and go back to sleep, but then Billie popped out of nowhere scaring the living day lights out of me!

"I thought I heard you come down here... " He said quietly.

"I thought you were sleeping... sure sounded like it." I giggled.

"Well despite how peaceful I look when I sleep and how much I may snore... I can be a very light sleeper sometimes. Especially when I have a lot on my mind... like today for instance." Billie replied.

"What's on your mind? Let it all out... " I laughed at myself because of how much I sounded like Oprah. Billie started laughing too.

He took my hand and led me into the kitchen... where we could talk and we wouldn't wake anyone up. Mostly Mike. Even though I personally don't think that Mike would wake up... he could sleep through a train wreck. When we got into the kitchen I took a seat on one of the stools at the counter and Billie sat next to me.

"So? Tell me... what's wrong?" I asked.

He sat there for a minute or two thinking about what he wanted to say... then he started shaking his head slightly. "Jen... " he sighed. "I just can't help but think that there's something going on in your life that you're not telling anyone."

"Billie... "

"No... I don't mean to be pushy and I don't wanna pry... but you seem so... I don't know if there's even a word for it. But, it just seems like there's something that happened and your not telling anyone and you should be." He said... and he sounded worried.

I sat there thinking about everything that has happened to me and everything that has been happening to me... and he was right. But it's too embarrassing to tell anyone. Its not like I could just come out and say it... it takes time, even though this has been going on since I was 10. I looked over at Billie and he was resting his head in his hands... deep in thought. I felt bad because I haven't told him yet and he is my boyfriend and my best friend, but it's just not that easy.

"Billie, I'm so sorry... " I could feel tears starting to sting my eyes, soon enough they would be trickling down my face.

He looked over at me with question in his eyes, and hurt. "So there is something you're keeping from me, and Mike? There is something you've been hiding?" He asked.

"I don't know how to say this... I just... " I couldn't think of words to describe what was happening. I just shook my head. "I'm sorry... but it's personal, and embarrassing, and"

"Jen, you do know that Mike and I... we are here for you. Maybe if you tell someone it would make it better... and I'm not saying you should tell me or Mike... but someone, just tell someone!... The past year or so especially you have seen so distant and always in thought. You always seem like you're hurt or you can't talk to anyone about your problems Jen! I want the old you back! So just do us all a favor and tell someone about your fucking problem!" Billie slid off of the stool and started walking out of the kitchen door... I heard him go upstairs and into his room.

I lay my head down on the counter top and just cried. I cried for everything that ever happened to me in my life... I cried for all of my problems... I just cried. Billie was right I had to tell someone. It's just never as simple as it sounds. I know it's unhealthy to keep everything locked up inside you and not ever tell anyone what's going on... but if I told Billie I would have to tell Mike. Then Mike would get all pissed off and wonder why I never told anyone before... Why everything has to be so complicated, I will never know.

"Good morning hun."

I lifted my head off of the counter and tried to wipe all of my tears off of my face before Ollie saw that I was crying.

"Morning Ollie." I replied, trying not to sound all croaky.

She came around to the front of the counter. "Have you been crying Jen?" She asked in such a sweet voice, I could only ever dream of having a mom like her.

I just started crying again... for no reason at all. I think it was probably because she brought up the fact that I was crying, which only reminded me of why I was crying, making me want to cry even harder. (I think that made sense, after all isn't that how it always works?...anywho back to the story.) I started telling her about the problem I was having... then she came around the counter and just sat next to me and tried to calm me down.

"Awww hun... It'll be ok. I know that not everything is always perfect, and we all have our problems but if we just tell someone... "

"That's just it! I can't tell anyone about this particular problem! Cause its just too personal... " I said, trying not to yell because she was just trying to help.

"I understand where you're coming from Jen, but sometimes we just have to forget about what kind of problem it is, personal or not and just tell someone about it. Cause in the end telling someone will pay off. I promise."

"Thanks Ollie."

"Anytime Jen... will you tell Billie I left for work when he comes down? I have to go or I'll be late."

"Sure thing... " I said, then she left.

I sat there thinking about what she had said and everything... so I decided to go tell Billie I was sorry, and maybe if everything goes alright I would tell him what I have been keeping from everyone since I was 10. This wasn't going to be the easiest thing in the world... but if I don't tell someone soon... I think I am going to explode from all of the pressure, and I would probably regret it. Now I know why people say it's good to tell others about your problems...

When I got to Billie Joe's door I stood out there for a minute or two before I knocked trying to plan out what I was going to say, also trying to stop crying and wipe away all of the tears. Then I knocked... I could hear him stumbling around trying to make his way to the door. Then he finally opened it.

"You've been crying." he sounded sorta guilty.
"Well... you can come in now if you want." He said and moved aside.

"Thanks... " I walked in, and then turned around to face him so we could talk.

"I'm sorry I haven't been myself lately... You were right about everything you said down there earlier. It's just not as easy as everyone says... "

"Trust me I know... " Billie said while looking at the floor.

"What?"

"N-nothing... " he stuttered.

I just stood there sorta puzzled at what he had said, did he know about what I was about to tell him?

"Billie I... my dad he... he does more than just abusing me, physically... but, he abuses me"

"Sexually." he finished my sentence for me before I even got a chance.

"How did you know?"

"I was the same as you when I was 14, kept everything inside of me until it just hurt to even think about it. I know its not easy telling someone, and I regret not telling anyone about the problems I had when I was littler, which is why I was so hard on you to tell someone your problem... Also... the bruises you get. They aren't regular bruises like you would get when you are hit or when you fall... they're bruises that are bigger, more black than anything else... and the way you act Jen... I could tell. You're exactly like me." He was having trouble putting together his words.

"Billie... you were abused? Physically and... " I couldn't finish, that would bring back to many memories...

"Yup." he looked down at the floor and then back up to me.

"My step dad is the same as your dad... now that I'm older he doesn't touch me much anymore... but when I was 12, all the way to 15 he would abuse me, just like your dad abuses you now Jen."

"So up until a year ago Billie, you were treated this way?"

"Yea, and now it's too late to do anything about it. But Jen, it's not for you. If you tell someone then your dad could go to jail for much longer than he is in for it now... "

"Billie, no matter how much he may hurt me he's still going to be my dad. And somewhere inside of me I do still love him. It's hard." I started to feel tears run down my cheeks.

Billie walked over to me and embraced me in the tightest, heart felt, loving hug I think I have ever had in my entire life. "You don't have to do anything you don't wanna do Jen. You know that right?" He whispered in my ear.

"Yea, I know."