Why Not?, chapter 1
Billie's P. O. V.
Fucking hell... Fucking, fucking hell. I woke up and there he was. Beautiful as ever. Not hiding anymore. I have been waiting for this second since I was 12 years old.
No. No, not waiting. Hoping. I couldn't wait. Waiting makes the day longer, and it's too long as it is. No, I wasn't waiting. I was hoping. Hoping that he felt the same. Trying to read every look, every smile, every word. Did that Good Morning mean something else? Is he smiling at me because he likes me?
No, no none of it's true. That good morning was good morning. He's smiling because he's my friend. He's not bi, I am. He doesn't like me that way. I need to get over him.
So why, now that I'm 34, does he finally kiss me? Why? I managed to push away that silly childhood crush years ago. Or did I? Even when I was getting married, I wasn't thinking of the beautiful woman to the left of me. I was thinking of the equally beautiful man to my right. I did love her, I do love her. But I love him too. You can love two people at once. It's hard, but you can.
But I decided that this one, my life with Adrienne, was possible. A life loving Mike just wasn't. So I chose Adie. Love is sweeter when it's returned, right? Wrong. Dammit Mike, I had given up on you! I had come to terms with us never being together, but now you've ruined it. Out of the blue you kiss me, and tell me you love me, that you've always loved me, and you expect me to be happy? How can I be happy? You let me believe all these years that you were just my friend, and now you want me to choose you over my wife. Over my children. Did you think about them, Mike? Joseph and Jakob, my two beautiful boys. Can you imagine what it would do to them?
Why, Mike, why didn't he tell me sooner? Years sooner, before Joey, before Adie, even. I would never have married her if I'd thought there was the slightest chance of us being together. I have to say no. I have to tell him I have a life that I can't abandon. I would love for Mike to be a part of my life, a bigger part, bigger than anyone, but he can't be. He'll understand. At least, I hope he will. I guess it turns out I don't know Mike as well as I thought I did.
Mike's P. O. V.
Now just why the hell would I do something like that? Why, why? He has a wife, children, a life. Why would I think that if I told him how I felt he'd just drop everything? He can't, he has too much. Why couldn't I just leave it? I've told myself every day for the last 20 years 'He doesn't like you that way. Don't ruin your friendship' But now I have. I've ruined a 24-year friendship for the sake of a kiss.
Maybe I should say I was drunk. Just pretend nothing happened at all. If he says something just say I was drunk and can't remember. He'll be relieved, he won't want any of this complicated stuff. It obviously didn't mean anything to him. But then... Why did he kiss me back? Maybe it did mean something. No. Michael, you're getting your hopes up. You'll set yourself up for pain again, and you've had enough. But all the same... He did kiss me back; I know I wasn't imagining that. So all that remains to be answered is... Why?
Billie's P. O. V.
I kissed him too. My god, I kissed him back! I kissed him back, and then I sat there like a stunned fish when he said he loved me. Why didn't I say something? Why didn't I tell him I felt the same way? Aaah! Maybe it's not too late to go and say something to him. Yeah, that's what I'll do. I'll go to his room right now, and tell him how I feel. The hell with it, we're rational adults, we can discuss it as such. Yeah, that's what I'll do... It'll be fine.
Mike's P. O. V.
Maybe he just kissed me because it seemed like the thing to do? He did just sit there dumbstruck when I told him I loved him. Then again, I did leave fairly quickly after I said it. Maybe he didn't have time to say anything. Well, it's been a good few hours since I left. Maybe he'll have thought of something to say by now. I think I should go to his room, and try to discuss this with him. Seems like a better idea than leaving it uncomfortably sitting there. Wait a second... There's someone coming in.
It - It's Billie Joe!
End P. O. V.
Billie Joe pushed in the door to Mike's room quietly. He didn't want to wake him, if he was already asleep. But he needn't have worried. Mike was sitting on his bed, still in his clothes. "Hi" he whispered. Mike looked over at him. "Hey" he whispered back. "Mind if I join you?" Billie asked. "Not at all. In fact, I have a better idea. Let's go downstairs, get some coffee" "Excellent. I have a feeling we'll need it." Billie turned and walked down the stairs. When he got to the kitchen he started to make a pot of coffee. Mike appeared at the door. "I see you're already on it. I'll just sit down then" "Yeah," said Billie, distractedly "I'll join you in a sec, I'll just start this boiling first." Billie clattered around in the corner for a while. 'Stupid machine, WORK! Damn you... ' he thought. He gave it one last bang and with a triumphant 'There! ' the hot brown liquid started to flow into the pot. "Billie, sshh! You'll wake Tré, and what kind of mess will we be in then?" Billie grinned at the thought of trying to solve anything with Tré around. "I'm finished now anyway. But that'll be a good 10 minutes. So... Let's talk." The air went from light-hearted to tense in the time it took Billie to say that last word. "Yeah," Mike said, "Talk. Well, what do you want to know?" Billie thought for a second. It was a good question. But, now that he thought of it, there was one thing... "Why? Why did you kiss me, Mike?" Mike stared at the table, and wished the coffee was ready. Then he could stare at that. He took a big breath, sighed and said, "I told you Billie, I love you." He looked up at Billie Joe, who was staring at him. "I've always loved you. I kind of hoped that if I did something - it's stupid - I hoped you'd maybe feel the same. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have." He looked back at the table and once again wished for the coffee, if only for something to do with his hands. Suddenly Billie spoke. "But Mike," he said, with a weird tone in his voice, "I do feel the same. I've loved you since we were twelve. But I never said anything because I didn't think you felt that way. My god Mike, we've been so blind. And look at the mess we're in now." Billie put his head in his hands. He was so frustrated! Why couldn't this have happened 13 years ago? "Do you mean to tell me, Billie Joe, that we've loved each other for over 20 years?" Billie nodded, his head still in his hands. Mike laughed, a strange ironic laugh. Then he said something odd. "Billie, I don't know if it's the lack of sleep or if I've genuinely gone mad, but you know what I'm thinking?" Billie raised his head a little, then shook it. "Well Billie, I'm thinking there's nothing to stop us now." Billie's stomach jumped in excitement, but he soon calmed it. He was surprised at himself. He had a family! For their sake he couldn't give in to this lust. But was that what it was? Maybe he really did love Mike; maybe he loved him more than Adrienne... Regardless! "Sorry to burst your bubble, Mike, but there are four reasons. Their names are Estelle, Adrienne, Joey and Jakob. It would hurt them too much." Mike had a strange look in his eyes as he stood up. He sat back down again, in the seat next to Billie Joe. He leaned over and kissed him for the second time that night. Billie did not fight it. He wanted it too much. When Mike pulled away he whispered "Tell me Billie Joe, who are you thinking of now?" He grinned knowingly, and Billie leaned in again. "Shut up Mike, and do that again." They kissed again, this time more urgently. Both could taste the passion and want in the others mouth, and both wanted more. Suddenly there was a loud bang, and they broke apart, alarmed. Billie Joe realized what it was first. "Goddamn coffee maker... " he muttered, breathing heavily.
Fucking hell... Fucking, fucking hell. I woke up and there he was. Beautiful as ever. Not hiding anymore. I have been waiting for this second since I was 12 years old.
No. No, not waiting. Hoping. I couldn't wait. Waiting makes the day longer, and it's too long as it is. No, I wasn't waiting. I was hoping. Hoping that he felt the same. Trying to read every look, every smile, every word. Did that Good Morning mean something else? Is he smiling at me because he likes me?
No, no none of it's true. That good morning was good morning. He's smiling because he's my friend. He's not bi, I am. He doesn't like me that way. I need to get over him.
So why, now that I'm 34, does he finally kiss me? Why? I managed to push away that silly childhood crush years ago. Or did I? Even when I was getting married, I wasn't thinking of the beautiful woman to the left of me. I was thinking of the equally beautiful man to my right. I did love her, I do love her. But I love him too. You can love two people at once. It's hard, but you can.
But I decided that this one, my life with Adrienne, was possible. A life loving Mike just wasn't. So I chose Adie. Love is sweeter when it's returned, right? Wrong. Dammit Mike, I had given up on you! I had come to terms with us never being together, but now you've ruined it. Out of the blue you kiss me, and tell me you love me, that you've always loved me, and you expect me to be happy? How can I be happy? You let me believe all these years that you were just my friend, and now you want me to choose you over my wife. Over my children. Did you think about them, Mike? Joseph and Jakob, my two beautiful boys. Can you imagine what it would do to them?
Why, Mike, why didn't he tell me sooner? Years sooner, before Joey, before Adie, even. I would never have married her if I'd thought there was the slightest chance of us being together. I have to say no. I have to tell him I have a life that I can't abandon. I would love for Mike to be a part of my life, a bigger part, bigger than anyone, but he can't be. He'll understand. At least, I hope he will. I guess it turns out I don't know Mike as well as I thought I did.
Mike's P. O. V.
Now just why the hell would I do something like that? Why, why? He has a wife, children, a life. Why would I think that if I told him how I felt he'd just drop everything? He can't, he has too much. Why couldn't I just leave it? I've told myself every day for the last 20 years 'He doesn't like you that way. Don't ruin your friendship' But now I have. I've ruined a 24-year friendship for the sake of a kiss.
Maybe I should say I was drunk. Just pretend nothing happened at all. If he says something just say I was drunk and can't remember. He'll be relieved, he won't want any of this complicated stuff. It obviously didn't mean anything to him. But then... Why did he kiss me back? Maybe it did mean something. No. Michael, you're getting your hopes up. You'll set yourself up for pain again, and you've had enough. But all the same... He did kiss me back; I know I wasn't imagining that. So all that remains to be answered is... Why?
Billie's P. O. V.
I kissed him too. My god, I kissed him back! I kissed him back, and then I sat there like a stunned fish when he said he loved me. Why didn't I say something? Why didn't I tell him I felt the same way? Aaah! Maybe it's not too late to go and say something to him. Yeah, that's what I'll do. I'll go to his room right now, and tell him how I feel. The hell with it, we're rational adults, we can discuss it as such. Yeah, that's what I'll do... It'll be fine.
Mike's P. O. V.
Maybe he just kissed me because it seemed like the thing to do? He did just sit there dumbstruck when I told him I loved him. Then again, I did leave fairly quickly after I said it. Maybe he didn't have time to say anything. Well, it's been a good few hours since I left. Maybe he'll have thought of something to say by now. I think I should go to his room, and try to discuss this with him. Seems like a better idea than leaving it uncomfortably sitting there. Wait a second... There's someone coming in.
It - It's Billie Joe!
End P. O. V.
Billie Joe pushed in the door to Mike's room quietly. He didn't want to wake him, if he was already asleep. But he needn't have worried. Mike was sitting on his bed, still in his clothes. "Hi" he whispered. Mike looked over at him. "Hey" he whispered back. "Mind if I join you?" Billie asked. "Not at all. In fact, I have a better idea. Let's go downstairs, get some coffee" "Excellent. I have a feeling we'll need it." Billie turned and walked down the stairs. When he got to the kitchen he started to make a pot of coffee. Mike appeared at the door. "I see you're already on it. I'll just sit down then" "Yeah," said Billie, distractedly "I'll join you in a sec, I'll just start this boiling first." Billie clattered around in the corner for a while. 'Stupid machine, WORK! Damn you... ' he thought. He gave it one last bang and with a triumphant 'There! ' the hot brown liquid started to flow into the pot. "Billie, sshh! You'll wake Tré, and what kind of mess will we be in then?" Billie grinned at the thought of trying to solve anything with Tré around. "I'm finished now anyway. But that'll be a good 10 minutes. So... Let's talk." The air went from light-hearted to tense in the time it took Billie to say that last word. "Yeah," Mike said, "Talk. Well, what do you want to know?" Billie thought for a second. It was a good question. But, now that he thought of it, there was one thing... "Why? Why did you kiss me, Mike?" Mike stared at the table, and wished the coffee was ready. Then he could stare at that. He took a big breath, sighed and said, "I told you Billie, I love you." He looked up at Billie Joe, who was staring at him. "I've always loved you. I kind of hoped that if I did something - it's stupid - I hoped you'd maybe feel the same. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have." He looked back at the table and once again wished for the coffee, if only for something to do with his hands. Suddenly Billie spoke. "But Mike," he said, with a weird tone in his voice, "I do feel the same. I've loved you since we were twelve. But I never said anything because I didn't think you felt that way. My god Mike, we've been so blind. And look at the mess we're in now." Billie put his head in his hands. He was so frustrated! Why couldn't this have happened 13 years ago? "Do you mean to tell me, Billie Joe, that we've loved each other for over 20 years?" Billie nodded, his head still in his hands. Mike laughed, a strange ironic laugh. Then he said something odd. "Billie, I don't know if it's the lack of sleep or if I've genuinely gone mad, but you know what I'm thinking?" Billie raised his head a little, then shook it. "Well Billie, I'm thinking there's nothing to stop us now." Billie's stomach jumped in excitement, but he soon calmed it. He was surprised at himself. He had a family! For their sake he couldn't give in to this lust. But was that what it was? Maybe he really did love Mike; maybe he loved him more than Adrienne... Regardless! "Sorry to burst your bubble, Mike, but there are four reasons. Their names are Estelle, Adrienne, Joey and Jakob. It would hurt them too much." Mike had a strange look in his eyes as he stood up. He sat back down again, in the seat next to Billie Joe. He leaned over and kissed him for the second time that night. Billie did not fight it. He wanted it too much. When Mike pulled away he whispered "Tell me Billie Joe, who are you thinking of now?" He grinned knowingly, and Billie leaned in again. "Shut up Mike, and do that again." They kissed again, this time more urgently. Both could taste the passion and want in the others mouth, and both wanted more. Suddenly there was a loud bang, and they broke apart, alarmed. Billie Joe realized what it was first. "Goddamn coffee maker... " he muttered, breathing heavily.
