All By Myself, All On My Own, chapter 11
I woke up in the morning first. Around 6:00. I opened my eyes which were still red from crying all through the night. Who knew losing a loved one could take such a toll on you. My hair was matted to my face and pulling it off made my hair and my cheek sticky and wet. I grabbed a tissue off the table by my artwork and dried my eyes and blew my nose. I got up and threw it away then went into the bathroom to take a shower. I seemed to drown my feelings in the shower and letting me think of other things like what to do today and how to tell the guys about last night and what to do about James's room. We would have to pay for it still even if he wasn't there and I didn't dare go in there until I had gotten over at least a little of the other night. I came out fully dressed now and feeling a little better. Jake had woken up to the noise of the water running and immediately rushed into the bathroom and shut the door. I looked at my sleeping friend. Kilana also had reddish eyes but her hair was tied back and there were no signs of any real recent crying. I went into the kitchen and pulled out some Fruit Loops and ate them straight from the box. Jake came out and joined me eating listening to music on the radio. "Where did James go aunt Kiki?" he asked just as curious as I was last night before I had found out the truth. "He is gone and may never come back." I said calmly holding back all emotions so Jake didn't have to see me sad. "Oh I gonna miss him." He said sounding disappointed but not sad. Kilana got up and joined us on the couch her hair was frizzed and her tie was coming out. "Morning." I said trying to sound as cheerful as possible. She picked Jake up and sat down in his place then sat him down on her lap. This was weird for him but he didn't mind. He could reach the box in my hand better now. I pushed back my wet hair and put it into a tight bun so it wouldn't get all messed up right after I brushed it and washed it. I looked at my black and green nails. The tips of my nails were visible again already. The paint had chipped over night. I listened to the words of the song. I loved this song well it wasn't my favorite but I liked it. The song Helena by My Chemical Romance. I mouthed the words to the song. Jake looked confused. He had only seen me do this to Green Day songs and he never saw me mouth the words I always sung them but I wasn't in the mood for singing right now.
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At 10:00 that morning I pulled on my hoody and walked down the hall and knocked on the door. Tre was the one to answer it. At the sight of me he looked somewhat surprised and a little glad to see how I was doing. "You okay now or as soon as I let you in you gonna start crying again?" He joked but in a kind way. "I'm okay for now." I said looking down at my feet. "Come on in." He said taking my hand and more of pulling me into the room where Billie Joe and Mike sat on the couch talking Billie's guitar on his lap. "Hey Kiki." Billie Joe welcomed me. "You doing okay. Tre told us what happened." Oh come on did Tre have to give everything away? I smiled weakly and took a seat next to him Tre sat on my other side. I looked around the room. It was exactly like mine but it just seemed so different because of who was staying here even if everything was the same here as mine. I didn't know what to say especially now that Tre had already told them what I had come to tell them. Billie Joe started to play a soft tune on his guitar that I recognized but I couldn't remember what song it was from. I knew it though. Why was I having so much trouble remembering this stuff lately? This was getting so annoying that I couldn't remember anything but I managed to hum out the tune anyway as he played on and then the song ended. I sat back in the couch and kept my hands on my knees just looking around thinking of what to say. "So I expect you don't have any plans for today since well... so you wanna stay here a while?" Mike asked just trying to help. "Okay." I whispered. I felt the same hand on my shoulder as last night. I looked into Tre's eyes. "Are you sure you are all right?" He asked starting to worried again. "Fine I just need to... calm... " I said my voice cracked like I was about to cry again and water built up on my eye lids by no tears came down. I held them back not wanting them to see me upset. I just didn't like crying in front of my friends especially guys and over a guy just made it worse. I let my mind slip and I started thinking about impossible ideas and ideas or plans for my future. It helped get rid of my feelings. Tre shook my shoulder. "Hey you still awake?" He asked. "Yeah huh oh yeah I'm awake." I said snapping back into reality. "Just started to think." I said again and looking at him. He let go of my shoulder and sat back into the cushion. "I didn't get much sleep last night so sorry if I start to doze off again." I said watching Mike get up and head for the kitchen coming back with a beer in his hand. "What?" He asked sitting down feeling uncomfortable under my gaze. "Sorry just well tired mind wandered again." I whispered for no reason. Billie Joe set his guitar on the coffee table and leaned back closing his eyes. I felt myself for the third time drift off to sleep.
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"Kiki wake up." Billie Joe was gently shaking me. I opened my eyes. I was out all night. "How long was I sleeping here?" I asked rubbing my eyes. The sun was up and I lied on the couch a blanket thrown over me a pillow under me still on the couch. "Well over night." He said sitting on the edge of the cushion by my stomach. "Why didn't you wake me up last night?" "Night you came at ten in the afternoon. You needed the sleep." He said. I sat up and looked at the clock. It was 5:30. Wow the sun was up early. He was up early. Tre and Mike were still in bed on the other side of the room. I got up and stretched my sweater was no longer on and my shirt lifted showing my belly. Billie Joe noticed something written across my bare stomach. "What's that say?" He asked curiously. "What?" I asked, "Where is my sweater?" I finished my questions. "It's on the chair but what's your tattoo say?" Oh I forgot all about that. I was gonna show the guys as in Key James and Jake before the concert but I didn't. I lifted my shirt to reveal the signature of Billie Joe. "That stayed on that long?" He asked surprised his signature was still there from the signings about four days ago. "I got it tattooed on." I said pulling down the neck of my shirt revealing Tre's sig. on my chest over my heart and lifting up my short sleeves a little higher on my left arm was Mike's. "You got them tattooed on?" "Yeah getting it written on your skin with a marker doesn't last forever and a tattoo is the most permanent you can get." I said lifting my pant leg to reveal the words Green Day written in green and black around my right ankle and Jake and Kilana's names around the other. "I got all these the day after the signings right after I met you guys. My first ones ever." I said putting my pant leg back down and sitting back down on the couch next to Billie Joe. "I never got a chance to show him." I whispered to myself hiding my sadness again. He put one arm around my back pulling me into him. "It's okay it's pretty cool you got your first tattoo you should show them now even if James isn't here anymore." He said letting go. "Yeah." I said looking into his green eyes the ones I could stare endlessly into on my poster in my hotel room. I wonder if they ever noticed that.
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Tre and Mike looked pretty happy when I showed them later Kilana as well. She came over. She wouldn't stop saying how worried she was for me when I didn't come back yesterday morning. I told her I fell asleep for nearly 24 hours but she didn't believe me. Until now I didn't know it was possible to stay asleep that long. I probably woke up in the middle of the night but didn't remember. Jake loved the tattoo of his name on my ankle all the rest of that day he kept saying; "show me! Show me!" That man wasn't there yet again for the second day in a row. I was beginning to think that James leaving was the cause of him to stop coming like James was the cause though the way Kilana acted told me it wasn't the cause. Something else made him stop coming and James wasn't whom he wanted gone.
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That night we went out to eat at some drive through. I think it was McDonalds but I don't remember at the moment either way it was fast food and it had to be the closest thing to home I had eaten since I got here because living alone back in town away from this city I didn't bother cook I just ordered out all the time. Well not all the time. We sat at a picnic table eating hamburgers well except Billie Joe who had the veggie burger. I had one of those before. I used to be a vegetarian but that habit broke and I was back to eating meat I didn't really like those veggie burgers you'd think they would try and make it good at least instead of just throwing some chopped veggies on a bun. After that we came back to the hotel and I finally got a good nights sleep in my own bed.
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At 10:00 that morning I pulled on my hoody and walked down the hall and knocked on the door. Tre was the one to answer it. At the sight of me he looked somewhat surprised and a little glad to see how I was doing. "You okay now or as soon as I let you in you gonna start crying again?" He joked but in a kind way. "I'm okay for now." I said looking down at my feet. "Come on in." He said taking my hand and more of pulling me into the room where Billie Joe and Mike sat on the couch talking Billie's guitar on his lap. "Hey Kiki." Billie Joe welcomed me. "You doing okay. Tre told us what happened." Oh come on did Tre have to give everything away? I smiled weakly and took a seat next to him Tre sat on my other side. I looked around the room. It was exactly like mine but it just seemed so different because of who was staying here even if everything was the same here as mine. I didn't know what to say especially now that Tre had already told them what I had come to tell them. Billie Joe started to play a soft tune on his guitar that I recognized but I couldn't remember what song it was from. I knew it though. Why was I having so much trouble remembering this stuff lately? This was getting so annoying that I couldn't remember anything but I managed to hum out the tune anyway as he played on and then the song ended. I sat back in the couch and kept my hands on my knees just looking around thinking of what to say. "So I expect you don't have any plans for today since well... so you wanna stay here a while?" Mike asked just trying to help. "Okay." I whispered. I felt the same hand on my shoulder as last night. I looked into Tre's eyes. "Are you sure you are all right?" He asked starting to worried again. "Fine I just need to... calm... " I said my voice cracked like I was about to cry again and water built up on my eye lids by no tears came down. I held them back not wanting them to see me upset. I just didn't like crying in front of my friends especially guys and over a guy just made it worse. I let my mind slip and I started thinking about impossible ideas and ideas or plans for my future. It helped get rid of my feelings. Tre shook my shoulder. "Hey you still awake?" He asked. "Yeah huh oh yeah I'm awake." I said snapping back into reality. "Just started to think." I said again and looking at him. He let go of my shoulder and sat back into the cushion. "I didn't get much sleep last night so sorry if I start to doze off again." I said watching Mike get up and head for the kitchen coming back with a beer in his hand. "What?" He asked sitting down feeling uncomfortable under my gaze. "Sorry just well tired mind wandered again." I whispered for no reason. Billie Joe set his guitar on the coffee table and leaned back closing his eyes. I felt myself for the third time drift off to sleep.
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"Kiki wake up." Billie Joe was gently shaking me. I opened my eyes. I was out all night. "How long was I sleeping here?" I asked rubbing my eyes. The sun was up and I lied on the couch a blanket thrown over me a pillow under me still on the couch. "Well over night." He said sitting on the edge of the cushion by my stomach. "Why didn't you wake me up last night?" "Night you came at ten in the afternoon. You needed the sleep." He said. I sat up and looked at the clock. It was 5:30. Wow the sun was up early. He was up early. Tre and Mike were still in bed on the other side of the room. I got up and stretched my sweater was no longer on and my shirt lifted showing my belly. Billie Joe noticed something written across my bare stomach. "What's that say?" He asked curiously. "What?" I asked, "Where is my sweater?" I finished my questions. "It's on the chair but what's your tattoo say?" Oh I forgot all about that. I was gonna show the guys as in Key James and Jake before the concert but I didn't. I lifted my shirt to reveal the signature of Billie Joe. "That stayed on that long?" He asked surprised his signature was still there from the signings about four days ago. "I got it tattooed on." I said pulling down the neck of my shirt revealing Tre's sig. on my chest over my heart and lifting up my short sleeves a little higher on my left arm was Mike's. "You got them tattooed on?" "Yeah getting it written on your skin with a marker doesn't last forever and a tattoo is the most permanent you can get." I said lifting my pant leg to reveal the words Green Day written in green and black around my right ankle and Jake and Kilana's names around the other. "I got all these the day after the signings right after I met you guys. My first ones ever." I said putting my pant leg back down and sitting back down on the couch next to Billie Joe. "I never got a chance to show him." I whispered to myself hiding my sadness again. He put one arm around my back pulling me into him. "It's okay it's pretty cool you got your first tattoo you should show them now even if James isn't here anymore." He said letting go. "Yeah." I said looking into his green eyes the ones I could stare endlessly into on my poster in my hotel room. I wonder if they ever noticed that.
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Tre and Mike looked pretty happy when I showed them later Kilana as well. She came over. She wouldn't stop saying how worried she was for me when I didn't come back yesterday morning. I told her I fell asleep for nearly 24 hours but she didn't believe me. Until now I didn't know it was possible to stay asleep that long. I probably woke up in the middle of the night but didn't remember. Jake loved the tattoo of his name on my ankle all the rest of that day he kept saying; "show me! Show me!" That man wasn't there yet again for the second day in a row. I was beginning to think that James leaving was the cause of him to stop coming like James was the cause though the way Kilana acted told me it wasn't the cause. Something else made him stop coming and James wasn't whom he wanted gone.
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That night we went out to eat at some drive through. I think it was McDonalds but I don't remember at the moment either way it was fast food and it had to be the closest thing to home I had eaten since I got here because living alone back in town away from this city I didn't bother cook I just ordered out all the time. Well not all the time. We sat at a picnic table eating hamburgers well except Billie Joe who had the veggie burger. I had one of those before. I used to be a vegetarian but that habit broke and I was back to eating meat I didn't really like those veggie burgers you'd think they would try and make it good at least instead of just throwing some chopped veggies on a bun. After that we came back to the hotel and I finally got a good nights sleep in my own bed.
