All By Myself, All On My Own, chapter 33
That trip home with them felt like the longest I had ever taken. The dead silence between us was nerve wrecking and I wanted it to end. Mike pulled up in my driveway and I got out closing the door behind me. The guys followed quietly behind. They came with me into the house and I put my things upstairs on my bed. I came back down. They all stood in the hall waiting for the last good-bye. Standing there in front of them was horrible. I flung myself around Tre tears streaming from my eyes. "I'm going to miss you so much." I whined as he rocked side to side squeezing me tight. I loosened my grip to look at his face. He looked so sad, his eyes filled with tears. I let go completely and went to Billie Joe holding him tight. I kissed his cheek and at last wrapped my arms around Mike. "Thanks you guys, for everything. I had so much fun... other than all the rest of that stuff. I love you guys." I cried kissing Mike as well. Mike looked like he was going to cry as well as Billie Joe. I went back to Tre and he pulled me to him pressing his lips to mine. It felt like forever we were locked together. He had to make this good. It might be the last time he we would ever see each other. "I love you so much." I whispered my voice to cracky from choking on tears for me to speak fully. He reached into his pocket and took out a piece of paper. He put it in my hand giving me a kiss on the cheek and heading out the door behind Mike and Billie. I clutched the paper in my palm as I stood in the open door watching them climb back into the car. Tre waved frantically from the back window mouthing out words I couldn't hear. I waved sadly and walked inside as they pulled away. I closed the door behind me and sank to the floor crying my eyes out. They were really gone. I leaned up against the door and unfolded the paper Tre had given me. Written on it were a mailing address and a cell number. OMG. I would still be able to talk to him. Below it though was another number. And Tre's E-mail address. The second phone number was Mike's. I could only tell because scribbled on the side with an arrow it said 'For Key'.
***
Only a half hour later I was up in my room unpacking all my junk. There was so much. I put James's journal in my desk drawer and the locket I hung on a nail that jutted out from the wall just to the right of my bed. Tears still slowly flowed down my cheeks. I missed them all so much already. James, Tre, Billie, Mike, even the housekeepers and the stupid receptionist. I unloaded the last bit of clothes and collapsed on my bed. I can't believe it's all over. Everything. It's over. They were gone and there wasn't a love in my life I had with me. My boyfriend was dead and my new friends gone. Key had a secret to keep and Casey I never really was that fond of. I was alone in a way. My bedroom, my own private sanctuary away from it all. I pulled my hoody out of my bag and put it on keeping my hair tucked into it so I could put my hood up without the uncomfortable itch on my back. I pulled my sleeves down over to hide my hands as I walked downstairs into my plain old kitchen. The counter top curved in the far corner on which sat the microwave, toaster and many other things. The cupboards on the walls went all along over the counter till they reached the fridge, which stood tall on one end next to the doorway leading out into my backyard. The sink was on the opposite end next to the stove and dishwasher. The table was like a tall counter in the center of the room built into the tile floor. The chairs pushed in under the curve of the table standing at about 4 feet tall at the seat. I hopped up onto one kicking my legs under the table as well my elbows rested on the hard countertop staring into the fishbowl in the center filled with pens and pencils as well as small mints and for some reason... a rock about the size of my fist that Jake had brought to me one afternoon about a year ago. I took a small pocket calendar thrown aside under some old mail and took one of the pens in the bowl making first sure it wrote then I crossed out all of the days on my calendar that I had been gone. I then ripped out all the other pages of the months I had passed with my friends. Before James died I was always so happy but now... I felt empty inside. I waded up the pieces of months I tore out and threw them across the room into the trashcan beside the doorway. I put the pen away and set the calendar down on the table on top of an old library book I had never returned. I picked up the book studying the crinkled black cover. 'Panther in The Sky'. Definitely not one of my favorite books. It was overdue about two weeks. I slid off the chair, book still in hand and headed out the front door. I walked through the empty and dull streets. Not a soul was caught sight of in this place. It seemed as if everyone had for some reason evacuated but I knew that everyone was just inside. It was almost 6:30. Most kids would be in with their family eating dinner at this time. I walked down around the corner past Key's house and into the actual town. The buildings were broken down at points. Many of them had shops in them with the upstairs boarded off. The windows were shattered and had planks nailed across them. I passed by the store, which seemed to have the only sign of life. A worker was pushing shopping carts inside from the parking lot for the night. I felt like a ghost in this place. No one noticed me. Not a single person. In my black sweatshirt the hood pulled over my eyes hiding my face I was invisible from the world. I stepped once again around a corner and walked up to the library, the doors were closed and the lights were off. I pulled open the small box on the side of the building and dropped the book into the slot. Then I turned back around walking down the smooth stone steps back onto the sidewalk to head home again. I noticed on my way back a few more people were out. At one house an old women sat in a rocking chair on the front porch. Further down the road closer to where I lived there was a little boy walking down the street no doubt to his friends house. The playground and pretty much anywhere a kid would possibly want to go was in the other direction. I went up my front steps and into my house. This familiar old place was so depressing to see at a time like this. I went into the next room and lay down on the couch closing my eyes. I remembered before the first attack by Mark the guys had stayed here at my house with me. It was great being with them. Having them so close to me at the time and now it's what mattered most to me. I knew that this was the place where we sat that morning. Green Day had been in my home and now I just felt so possessive. I wanted them back. These memories were all I had of these people. I rolled onto my side curled up on the couch my back facing the TV and my head buried forward into the cushioned back. I needed some rest.
***
I woke up the next morning still on the couch. The sight of my own living room scared me as I opened my eyes. I had been gone for so long I was used to seeing the hotel room. I sat up itching the sleep from my eyes. I looked around the room. Everything was still. I guess I just wasn't used to being alone in the morning either. I had always had someone in the room with me whether it was Jake, Key, Tre, Mike or Billie Joe. There was always someone there for me and now I really was realizing how alone I was. I walked through the doorway across the hallway and into the kitchen. I was starving. I hadn't eaten anything since yesterday morning. I fixed myself some breakfast and sat down in front of the couch watching TV. I finished up my food and put my plate in the dishwasher to be cleaned later. It was so boring now with no one to hang with. I had completely forgotten how boring life was before I had gone to that hotel. Since then things had been so exciting and scary and now it was all gone. I know I sound crazy but at the moment I was just begging that someone would break into my house at night just so I could have that familiar and exciting adrenaline rush and get some excitement putting my life on the line to make myself feel better and end it all with the cops coming in right when the robber ran away. Wait whoa what the fuck am I saying?!? I think I've been in such a rush lately with all this happening I have grown addicted to this feeling. Addicted to the way I react in fear. I am abusing this charge like a drug. I can't let this happen but what am I to do. I've been finding out so much about myself that I've never known. Like the fact that I am so impatient and this new obsession of mine. How did Key ever put up with me? How is it that I am the one Tre fell in love with? How is it that he STILL loves me after all this... wait did he? I think he does but is this just my mind playing more tricks on me? Making me think he cares when in reality he doesn't? I had to know the truth. I collapsed back onto the couch. I had scared myself. Wow... I felt it... the feeling of an electrical surge throughout my body. I wanted to get up and run somewhere. This was bad though. I liked this feeling now but I didn't want to. I would do anything to keep myself from getting scared again just so I don't let my addiction turn to paranoia. I stood back up again feeling weak. I put down the hood of my sweatshirt, which I had just noticed had been on since I returned home yesterday. I pulled my long hair out of my shirt and let it swing freely against my back. That felt so much better now. I pulled off my heels that I was still wearing and ran upstairs to put on my sneakers. Now I was ready. I was going to walk to Kilana's house and see if she'll finally tell me her stupid secret that her and Mike had been keeping from me for over a week. I went out my front door not bothering to lock it. Most of the people on my streets I knew and I got along fine with. Mark seemed to be the only criminal that lived in our town and he never robbed any of us he always went to a different town because everyone here knew everyone else. I walked down my front sidewalk. Casey was out sitting under a small tree in her lawn next door. "Hey! You're back!" She smiled at me looking up from the book she had been reading. "Yeah." I said forcing a smile back. It was too early to be really happy. What was she so cheery about? I walked down the road scuffing my sneakers on the pavement. The soles of my shoes were ripping off at the seam and as I walked down the street there was the click and clack of my shoe soles flapping up and down as I walked. I saw little Jake playing in front of a house as I went by. Two little girls and three boys were in the road kicking a ball around while about 5 others sat on the sidewalk waiting for their turn. "Kiki!" Jake shouted standing up and rushing over to me. He wrapped his arms around my legs by my knees tripping me a little by his hug. I crouched down to get a better view giving him a hug back. "Where you goin'?" He asked happily as I stood up and started to walk again, him trailing at my feet. "To see your mom." I said looking back as I walked to see him walking along beside me. "Oh, it's my turn bye!" He laughed running back the other way and into the street where the people sitting were replaced by the people standing and Jake kicked the ball around in the street with the other kids on the block. I turned the corner to see Key's house in front of me. I swung open the gate and walked up the path to her doorstep.
***
When I knocked on the door I didn't get a sudden respond. I knocked again and the door flew open and I was welcomed with open arms. Kilana hugged me tight and stepped out of the way to let me inside. This felt odd for me. I don't think she had ever really hugged me before. I stepped in to see the same old house. So many familiar places that I never want to see again. As I turned to look at Key I saw a tear in her eye. "What's wrong?" I asked a little uncomfortable. "You came to find out haven't you?" She said miserably going into her kitchen and sitting down on the counter. "Yeah... Kilana what is going on?" I asked her a little sad now as well by her reaction. "Come here." She said as I stepped closer. She whispered in my ear and I felt my heart drop into my stomach. Holy Shit! "Are you sure?" I asked scared now. She nodded her head got up and pushed me into the hallway and out the door slamming it behind me. How could this be? After Mark how could she do this? I dragged my feet home. Speechless to say the least. I plopped down on my bed and stared at the ceiling. This couldn't be happening. Why hadn't she told me sooner though? I'm not mad just a little shocked and nervous. Our futures weren't looking good at the moment. I lay there for at least an hour just staring into space. I wasn't thinking just trying to make sure I heard her correctly back at her house. No she couldn't have... could she? In the middle of my mindless thoughts my cell phone rang. Who would be calling me? I had just seen Key, my family never called, Casey lived next door, James was dead, and Mark was in jail. Who? I opened my desk drawer and took out my cell phone. I put it up to my ear. "Hello?" I asked a little nervous still. "I'm guessing Key finally told you." I heard Tre laugh to himself on the other side of the line. "Tre?" I asked in greater shock. "The one and only, I thought I'd call to see how you were doing." He said calmly. "Tre, how did you?... How did you get my number? I never told you... " I said being cut short. "I have my ways." He laughed once again. In the background I could hear loud talking like screaming fans. Of course I recognize this sound. Only a month ago I had been one of them. "Where are you?" I asked giggling to myself as I heard the screams "Marry Me Tre!" in the background by some teenager. "I'm at the arena right now. Autograph signings. How I met you." He laughed again. "These people are insane. If they get any worse we're going to need to call in a chopper to get away from the crowd." He said. I laughed again. "Well... um... I guess I just called to see if the number I picked up worked and was yours and well... I kinda have to go now bye." He said. "Bye." I said about to close up my phone when quickly before hanging up I heard him shout the words "I Love You!" Over the phone as if trying to make everyone hear and lay off of him. I hung up as well setting the phone back in my drawer. Okay wow. He surprises me yet again. How did he get my number? He has bad timing though. He has some really crazed fans as well. I laughed to myself at all the fans chasing him down the street. How did he know Kilana had told me though? Was he spying on me? That little freak. I seemed to say out loud as I thought it. I went out my door once again and down into the kitchen where I headed out into the small backroom down some steps and into my back yard. I was too troubled to stay in one place for more than five minutes at least unless I was deep in thought. Then time just seemed to fly by. I trudged across the grass. Overgrown from not being mowed for nearly seven weeks. I walked over to a bench I had set up under a tree by my fence. I stared across the yard at my small garden now full of weeds. I had nowhere to go and staying inside all day was slowly killing my mind. I lay across the wooden bench now looking up at the sky at passing clouds. It had seemed so long since I had done this alone. As I spotted out pictures in the white clouds overhead I felt my mind disappear and I got drowsy until I finally passed out in the afternoon sun.
***
I woke up to see pitch darkness around me. How long had I slept? It was about 7 when I fell asleep and now it had to be at least 9. It doesn't really get this dark until around 10 unless it's in the winter but it was the middle of summer. I sat up. The night air was cold against my skin. As I stood up to go inside the motion-censored light on my back porch came on. I went upstairs pulling off my clothes as I went leaving a trail leading up the stairs and into my room. I climbed into me bed rolling over to get comfortable and went back to sleep forcibly. The moon shining through my window was the only source of light in my room. It was my little nightlight.
***
"Tre!" I shouted as I slept. I ran across the wide meadow to his limp body. Mike hung from a tree about 10 feet above the wet grass in which I stood. I wrapped my arms around Tre squeezing his dead corpse tightly in my hands. The sky was dark and gloomy the silver mist setting in making it hard to see. The world seemed to disappear in the fog and the grass dried and broke under my feet as I dragged my friend through the cloudy field and onto the side of a dark street in front of an old building. Trees shot up around me in place of the abandoned shops. Ghost like figures walked by down the walkway around me curving into an alleyway and vanishing from sight. What kind of dream is this? I saw the tall slim shape of Mike drop off a windowsill on the other side off the street crossing over to me his pale face reflecting in the dim light through the fog of the street lamp. I let out a small shiver as he came closer and I felt the piercing cold hand of his touch my arm. I held Tre closer to me than ever tears streaming down my face splashing onto the cement forming a puddle next to me. I clasped Tre's hand in mine not wanting to let go. I wasn't going to let Tre die. There had to be something, somewhere that would bring him back and I would go to the ends of the earth to get it. "It's too late, He's with us now." Mike said quietly in an eerie and raspy voice. This wasn't Mike's voice. It was more supernatural and harsh than it ever had been before. "No!" I shouted grabbing Tre around the waist and pulling myself out of Mike's reach dragging Tre with me. "It's too late. You can't save him." Mike said again his eyes blank and pure white. The pupils completely gone. His zombie like stare sent me back against the tree trunk behind me. I held Tre's rag-doll body in one hand and dug my nails into the thick bark with the other. Out of the fog came more people. Billie Joe was one of them taking his place beside Mike that same ghostly stare in his eye. And Key came up. Her eyes glowed the bright hazel they were and she stepped forward towards me as I started to inch my way up ignoring the weight in my right arm. She collapsed in front of me down on her knees staring up at me scared. "Help." She seemed to say in that same creepy way. I let go of the tree now holding onto Tre with all my might. I took off running dragging Tre's feet on the ground slowing me down. They weren't going to take him from me. Not like they had done to James. I ran out of the fog onto a high bridge where I lay Tre's motionless carcass on the edge as cars passed by. Where was I and why wasn't I waking up from this nightmare? I wiped the tears from my eyes that had stained my face a deep red. Blood red. I felt faint at the sight but I wasn't going to let myself pass out. I pressed my lips gently to Tre's for one last kiss before I met a sharp pain in the back of my head and collapsed onto him Mike standing behind me now a bloody bat in his hands.
***
I sprung awake instantly looking around my room in shock. Thank god it was a dream. My heart felt as if it were about to jump out of my chest from the rapid beating against my ribs. I felt blind in the sunlight that had come over me so suddenly and I put my hand to the back of my head in pain as I winced. I pulled it back to see a thin line of blood on my fingertip. "No" I said quietly to myself. I ran into the bathroom and turned against the mirror. I parted my hair where my head was in such pain to see a small gash across my scalp. What had happened? It couldn't possibly have been real. That dream. It couldn't happen. Or was this a dream as well? No it couldn't be I could feel the pain. What was going on? Was I delusional? I stepped back from the mirror in horror as I bumped into the back wall. This couldn't be happening. I held my hand to the back of my head once more and the pain slowly went away until I pulled it away again. Once again a small line of blood trailed up the length of my index finger. It was just a dream. Mike hadn't really killed me. He hadn't really hit me with that bat. He was miles away from here. He couldn't have. Tre was fine. And these people were my friends and would never do anything to me like that. Would they? This was all just one big nightmare. All of it. The secrets, the pain, Green Day, James's death, Mark. All of it was just one big nightmare that I would eventually awake from and be home in my bed, James would be downstairs eating breakfast and Key would be happy. But I knew that wasn't going to happen.
***
I was getting paranoid. I walked down the street to Key's house about three hours after I had woke up. I sat on her couch in the living room holding a cup of warm coffee in my hands. "I'm sure you're just imagining it all. I mean I would never let that happen. And you can trust Mike and Billie Joe. They would never try to um... kill you. And Tre is fine. How could he possibly die like that? Besides you said you were in a field then in a city with trees all around you. Sorry to say this but this is all just your imagination so just calm down Kiki." Kilana said sitting across from me in a recliner. "It just felt so real though and the cut on the back of my head. How did it get there?" I asked a little nervous still. "What cut?" She asked confused. I had just brought it up. "When I woke up I had a cut on the back of my head and it was bleeding." I said feeling that small pain on my scull that I had felt earlier. The pain was going though and I no longer felt it only when I thought about how it had hurt. I was imagining the pain now. "Let me see." Key sighed coming over and taking a seat next to me. "There isn't anything there." She said worried about me when I had parted my hair once again to show her. "What? Nothing?" I said freaking out again. I got up and ran around the corner into her bathroom looking at myself in the mirror. She was right. It was gone. Had I really just imagined it? I had to get out of here. Something was definitely wrong with me. I ran out the door Kilana chasing after me confused as to why I had took off so soon. To tell the truth I was as confused as she was. I know what I saw earlier and I was going to make sure I wasn't just imagining it. I would prove it somehow. I went into my room once again panting for air but still determined to see in my own home. I stood in front of the mirror. There it was! The scar on my head, red and deep, blood slowly dripping from it. I wiped it with my hand but the blood didn't show up on my skin. What was going on? I took a hand mirror from the drawer by me and held it up to see again. It was gone. The cut was only showing up in the big mirror on my bathroom wall. The pain was only really felt when I saw it. I had to destroy the mirror. I pulled it off the wall leaving it bare. I took the mirror over to my bedroom window and opened it up. I slid the glass out the window and over into the grass below where it shattered into millions of small pieces. The pain I felt was gone once again. I felt the back of my head. I felt no cut and no blood. It was the mirror. Whatever it did. I had destroyed the mirror and now I could wake up from this dream. I swayed on my feet and fell to the floor passing out.
***
I opened my eyes to a noon sun. I sat up on the soft carpet. I grabbed hold of the dresser side and pulled myself to my feet. No pain this time and no memory of my dream this morning. All I knew was that I had gone insane and thrown my mirror out the bedroom window due to a small cut in my skin that only I could see in one mirror. I looked around the room. The window was still open from my last sullen riot. My stomach ached from hunger. All I had had this morning to eat was a half-cup of coffee. I walked out my door and down the stairs to the kitchen. I opened my fridge and pulled out some milk and a bowl of leftover chicken wings from last night. I forgot to say I had eaten before going out into the garden and fell asleep on the bench. I put some of the wings in the microwave to heat them up and rolled them around in the sauce that had all drizzled off of the wings. I took a seat at my table eating my lunch in quiet. Life was moving slow again for me and felt like a day lasted forever and tomorrow would never come. As I finished eating I threw the foam container from the chicken wings into the trash and gulped down the last bit of milk in my glass. I had to go to work today. Only for a few hours though. I went upstairs and put on some clean clothes as well as my work shirt on over it. I went back downstairs grabbing my keys from the hook on the wall shoving them in my pocket and heading out the door. I picked up a pair of roller blades from my garage and pulled off my shoes to put them on. McDonalds was a ways away and without a car it takes longer so I needed wheels of some sort. Along with a bag of chips to snack on and a bottle of water I put my shoes in a grocery bag that I slung over my shoulder and I went off down the road trying to avoid any rocks that had gotten thrown out into the street that I could trip on. I pulled a nametag out of my shirt pocket and pinned it on. The word KIKI was in bold letters. They would put on my full name but it was too long. I mean Kikiranali is pretty long for that tiny hunk of plastic and metal. I rolled around the corner onto the street in which James's house once was. Now his stuff had been cleared and it was for sale. I felt tears in my eyes as I passed by the tall home of my ex-boyfriend. I wiped the tears away and continued around the next corner and down the street to my workplace. I went around to the back of the building and put on my shoes setting my blades in the grass by the tree that loomed over the drive-thru. I went in the back door putting up my hair and ready to work again. "Hey! You're finally back!" I heard Sara say as she approached me. "So sorry. It was on the news and everything." She said to me looking sad but then going to her annoying constant happiness and walking back into the kitchen to check up on everything. I could hear that annoying giggle of hers from a mile away. I went to the back to look at the chart of jobs for the day. "Table Cleaner." I said to myself reading the card that had been placed under my name. "Oh Come on I've done this at least 40 more times than everyone else here." I said going into the closet and grabbing some washcloths and a bucket of water. I went out and set it in the corner of the room waiting for people to come in and actually give me something to clean. This was so boring. When no one in town even comes here all we do is sit around and wait. Around 1:30 a tall man came in. Dressed in office clothes he stood out really well against the colorful McDonalds background. "I'll take... " I heard him start to say to Chuck at the register. "... to go." He finished. Come on can't you just stay so I have something to do and I can get paid for today? I thought to myself sitting in one of the booths my head in my hands half asleep waiting. I hate this job. I wish I worked back at my old restaurant that Casey is at now. I looked around the room bored out of my mind. "Hey Kiki! Why don't you wash the tables! No one has done it today!" Jim laughed a little throwing the washcloth I had got out at me. I snatched it from the air and stood up to go get the bucket. I dipped the cloth into the soapy water and started to scrub down the tabletops. I had cleaned them at least three times before I finally gave up. They were spotless and there was no point in washing them over and over. I dumped out the bucket out in the back onto the pavement spraying it out with a hose and then putting it back in the closet. I grabbed my bag from under the trees by my roller blades and took out my water and chips. I sat on the bench in the front of the building watching the passing cars and munching on my chips. "Hi, good to see you back." Chuck said taking a seat next to me and grabbing a few chips from the bag in my hands. "I wish I could say the same." I sighed kicking a rock on the cement. "Sorry for what happened but you stayed a while you must have enjoyed yourself a little at least." He said trying to cheer me up. "Yeah I guess I mean I did meet some new friends but how could you possibly say I had a little fun when my boyfriend was murdered." I said a little rudely. Chuck was probably enjoying the fact that James was dead. Chuck always had a thing for me but each time he tried to talk to me I'd just put him down because he should be smart enough not to approach me when I had a boyfriend already but now he didn't know about Tre or any of the guys of Green Day really so he saw no problem in his plan. "So you... wanna... " He started. "Chuck will you just stop it I have a boyfriend." I said stubbornly standing up to go inside where I would get some peace. "Who?" He asked confused. "If I told you, you wouldn't believe me." I said going inside to go back and sit in the kitchen with the other workers who were bored out of their minds. As I walked by I noticed Kayla eating a hamburger that she had made while waiting for someone to come. "You know if Sara saw you eating that she would get your ass fired." I said sitting down next to her. "What do I care, I hate this place and no one is coming so why not eat the food? No point in letting it all go to waste when we are having worse business than that closed down Ames store across town." She laughed to herself through a bite of her burger. "What is Jim doing?" I laughed noticed Jim crouched over a small table on the other side of the kitchen holding what looked like the Happy Meal toys. "Don't know but knowing Jim it's nothing we should bother with. It's just him enjoying himself. I stood up setting my food down and getting just close enough to see him playing with three of those plastic Barbies and some Hot Wheels cars that he had taken from their bin under the register counter and he was making the Barbie girls race on the small cars around in circles on the small tray he had on his lap. I ignored this. Jim always was a little loose in the head. I went once again back to my seat next to Kayla and took a big drink from my water bottle. "I can't wait till our shift ends and we get to go home." Kayla said finishing her lunch and throwing away her empty pop cup that she had also taken from her workplace without paying. Sure we worked here but we weren't allowed to eat any of the food we cooked.
***
Around 4 the bell rang and it was time to go back home. We had a total of three customers in the past 4 hours and all of them were to go so I had no job to do really. I had cleaned the tables though and I helped mop up a pop spill Sara had when trying to get a glass of Pepsi from the machine. I went out back once again putting my empty water bottle in my bag and then pulling on my skates to go home. As I went down my street little Jake chased after me trying to race but I got to my house long before he could. I was putting my blades back in the garage when he came huffing down my sidewalk collapsing in the grass by the steps. I picked him up and carried him inside sitting him down on the couch. I gave the little boy a glass of water that he sucked down in seconds and I took a seat next to him to listen to my music. "My mom... she... she boughted me another music CD." He said excitedly regaining his energy. "Yeah, which one?" I said putting in Kerplunk. She gots me International Superhits." He said digging through my CD stack until he found mine. "This one!" He smiled holding up the CD. "You like it?" I said watching him as I pressed play on my player. I turned up the volume so it was loud enough to hear and Jake went crazy as he listened to his favorite band. "Yeah I likes it." He said happily jumping back up on the couch next to me and sitting on his knees facing me. "I miss uncle Mike and Billie Joe and Tre though." He said looking at the pictures on the booklet to the Dookie CD. "He looks funny." Jake laughed pointing at the pictures. Of course they looked funny. Jake wasn't used to seeing them when they were teenagers. Well... they weren't exactly teens they were like 21 when the CD came out but still they were pretty young and now Jake was used to seeing them how they are now. "Where's your mom?" I laughed a little picking him up and pulling the little boy onto my lap making him giggle. "She's at home." He said simply looking through the pages again and setting the booklet down on the couch and going to find some more pictures he could look at. Why did this have to happen? Key shouldn't have let this happen. Jake didn't know. He didn't care. At least not yet.
***
After Jake had gone home later had I resorted to my bedroom once again with some lined loose-leaf paper and a pen. I sat on my bed writing out all that had happened. I wrote all I had remembered that had happened while I was with the guys. Tre hadn't told me his secret at all and so maybe I could figure it out on my own. I recorded all the weird things the guys had done while I was with them and all the things they lied to me about. I read over and over my notes but all the signs had lead to a dead end. Mike and Billie Joe always going down to the lobby and not to be seen again and they had gone out on the town. Them disappearing on that hike we had. Tre's constant surprises and all those papers he wouldn't let me see. Him running away while out on the street to come back to the hotel and possible do other things and he lied about it even though Billie Joe had good proof he hadn't gotten lost. Billie had thrown a rock at him and he still kept running. Tre's trust me speech, his excuses, stealing that paper while in the closet helping me pack. Taking my keys to my room in order to get in. His reaction to James's journal, his reaction to James's ring that he was once to ask me the big question. How he had always stuck up for me, running away all the time, there was something I was missing here. What did his weird behaviors mean? All those secrets he wouldn't tell me. This was so confusing. I would never have imagined Tre being able to keep secrets for this long and covering it all up so easily. I gave up. Maybe I would try again later if I remembered anything else that had happened that might help me figure this out. I sat on my bed staring at my poster-covered walls. Sure I had destroyed a good amount of them and had given them away but I still had plenty of pictures covering my walls I had just taken down some of my favorites and most of my actual posters. Now I had small parts of my walls covered in magazine clippings of the guys and other drawings I had done. I looked over all the various pictures remembering the good times I had spent with them. Maybe I would see them some day again. I could only hope now. I took the slip of paper Tre had given me and looked over the numbers. And the E-mail address. Why did he give me an E-mail address? He knew that I didn't any longer have a computer and Key doesn't. Had he forgotten? I still would keep this with me though. It was a sign that he wouldn't forget me. I didn't think it best to call him though and when he's on the other side of the country it's kinda pointless to try to call him. He'll be out of reach for calling and even if I could call him when he's that far away it'd be like $5 a minute. Too expensive to talk to him. And besides I wouldn't want to call him at a bad time. What if he were at a concert... or a photo shoot... or making a video... or pretty much anything... I didn't want to bug him at all... so I would just wait for him to call me again... somehow he had gotten my number. I had to be curious though as to what he was up to and I lifted my cell phone from my drawer and flipped it open ready to punch in the numbers scribbled on the paper but my senses got the best of my and I set it back into the drawer. What was I to do with myself for... the rest of my life?
***
Only a half hour later I was up in my room unpacking all my junk. There was so much. I put James's journal in my desk drawer and the locket I hung on a nail that jutted out from the wall just to the right of my bed. Tears still slowly flowed down my cheeks. I missed them all so much already. James, Tre, Billie, Mike, even the housekeepers and the stupid receptionist. I unloaded the last bit of clothes and collapsed on my bed. I can't believe it's all over. Everything. It's over. They were gone and there wasn't a love in my life I had with me. My boyfriend was dead and my new friends gone. Key had a secret to keep and Casey I never really was that fond of. I was alone in a way. My bedroom, my own private sanctuary away from it all. I pulled my hoody out of my bag and put it on keeping my hair tucked into it so I could put my hood up without the uncomfortable itch on my back. I pulled my sleeves down over to hide my hands as I walked downstairs into my plain old kitchen. The counter top curved in the far corner on which sat the microwave, toaster and many other things. The cupboards on the walls went all along over the counter till they reached the fridge, which stood tall on one end next to the doorway leading out into my backyard. The sink was on the opposite end next to the stove and dishwasher. The table was like a tall counter in the center of the room built into the tile floor. The chairs pushed in under the curve of the table standing at about 4 feet tall at the seat. I hopped up onto one kicking my legs under the table as well my elbows rested on the hard countertop staring into the fishbowl in the center filled with pens and pencils as well as small mints and for some reason... a rock about the size of my fist that Jake had brought to me one afternoon about a year ago. I took a small pocket calendar thrown aside under some old mail and took one of the pens in the bowl making first sure it wrote then I crossed out all of the days on my calendar that I had been gone. I then ripped out all the other pages of the months I had passed with my friends. Before James died I was always so happy but now... I felt empty inside. I waded up the pieces of months I tore out and threw them across the room into the trashcan beside the doorway. I put the pen away and set the calendar down on the table on top of an old library book I had never returned. I picked up the book studying the crinkled black cover. 'Panther in The Sky'. Definitely not one of my favorite books. It was overdue about two weeks. I slid off the chair, book still in hand and headed out the front door. I walked through the empty and dull streets. Not a soul was caught sight of in this place. It seemed as if everyone had for some reason evacuated but I knew that everyone was just inside. It was almost 6:30. Most kids would be in with their family eating dinner at this time. I walked down around the corner past Key's house and into the actual town. The buildings were broken down at points. Many of them had shops in them with the upstairs boarded off. The windows were shattered and had planks nailed across them. I passed by the store, which seemed to have the only sign of life. A worker was pushing shopping carts inside from the parking lot for the night. I felt like a ghost in this place. No one noticed me. Not a single person. In my black sweatshirt the hood pulled over my eyes hiding my face I was invisible from the world. I stepped once again around a corner and walked up to the library, the doors were closed and the lights were off. I pulled open the small box on the side of the building and dropped the book into the slot. Then I turned back around walking down the smooth stone steps back onto the sidewalk to head home again. I noticed on my way back a few more people were out. At one house an old women sat in a rocking chair on the front porch. Further down the road closer to where I lived there was a little boy walking down the street no doubt to his friends house. The playground and pretty much anywhere a kid would possibly want to go was in the other direction. I went up my front steps and into my house. This familiar old place was so depressing to see at a time like this. I went into the next room and lay down on the couch closing my eyes. I remembered before the first attack by Mark the guys had stayed here at my house with me. It was great being with them. Having them so close to me at the time and now it's what mattered most to me. I knew that this was the place where we sat that morning. Green Day had been in my home and now I just felt so possessive. I wanted them back. These memories were all I had of these people. I rolled onto my side curled up on the couch my back facing the TV and my head buried forward into the cushioned back. I needed some rest.
***
I woke up the next morning still on the couch. The sight of my own living room scared me as I opened my eyes. I had been gone for so long I was used to seeing the hotel room. I sat up itching the sleep from my eyes. I looked around the room. Everything was still. I guess I just wasn't used to being alone in the morning either. I had always had someone in the room with me whether it was Jake, Key, Tre, Mike or Billie Joe. There was always someone there for me and now I really was realizing how alone I was. I walked through the doorway across the hallway and into the kitchen. I was starving. I hadn't eaten anything since yesterday morning. I fixed myself some breakfast and sat down in front of the couch watching TV. I finished up my food and put my plate in the dishwasher to be cleaned later. It was so boring now with no one to hang with. I had completely forgotten how boring life was before I had gone to that hotel. Since then things had been so exciting and scary and now it was all gone. I know I sound crazy but at the moment I was just begging that someone would break into my house at night just so I could have that familiar and exciting adrenaline rush and get some excitement putting my life on the line to make myself feel better and end it all with the cops coming in right when the robber ran away. Wait whoa what the fuck am I saying?!? I think I've been in such a rush lately with all this happening I have grown addicted to this feeling. Addicted to the way I react in fear. I am abusing this charge like a drug. I can't let this happen but what am I to do. I've been finding out so much about myself that I've never known. Like the fact that I am so impatient and this new obsession of mine. How did Key ever put up with me? How is it that I am the one Tre fell in love with? How is it that he STILL loves me after all this... wait did he? I think he does but is this just my mind playing more tricks on me? Making me think he cares when in reality he doesn't? I had to know the truth. I collapsed back onto the couch. I had scared myself. Wow... I felt it... the feeling of an electrical surge throughout my body. I wanted to get up and run somewhere. This was bad though. I liked this feeling now but I didn't want to. I would do anything to keep myself from getting scared again just so I don't let my addiction turn to paranoia. I stood back up again feeling weak. I put down the hood of my sweatshirt, which I had just noticed had been on since I returned home yesterday. I pulled my long hair out of my shirt and let it swing freely against my back. That felt so much better now. I pulled off my heels that I was still wearing and ran upstairs to put on my sneakers. Now I was ready. I was going to walk to Kilana's house and see if she'll finally tell me her stupid secret that her and Mike had been keeping from me for over a week. I went out my front door not bothering to lock it. Most of the people on my streets I knew and I got along fine with. Mark seemed to be the only criminal that lived in our town and he never robbed any of us he always went to a different town because everyone here knew everyone else. I walked down my front sidewalk. Casey was out sitting under a small tree in her lawn next door. "Hey! You're back!" She smiled at me looking up from the book she had been reading. "Yeah." I said forcing a smile back. It was too early to be really happy. What was she so cheery about? I walked down the road scuffing my sneakers on the pavement. The soles of my shoes were ripping off at the seam and as I walked down the street there was the click and clack of my shoe soles flapping up and down as I walked. I saw little Jake playing in front of a house as I went by. Two little girls and three boys were in the road kicking a ball around while about 5 others sat on the sidewalk waiting for their turn. "Kiki!" Jake shouted standing up and rushing over to me. He wrapped his arms around my legs by my knees tripping me a little by his hug. I crouched down to get a better view giving him a hug back. "Where you goin'?" He asked happily as I stood up and started to walk again, him trailing at my feet. "To see your mom." I said looking back as I walked to see him walking along beside me. "Oh, it's my turn bye!" He laughed running back the other way and into the street where the people sitting were replaced by the people standing and Jake kicked the ball around in the street with the other kids on the block. I turned the corner to see Key's house in front of me. I swung open the gate and walked up the path to her doorstep.
***
When I knocked on the door I didn't get a sudden respond. I knocked again and the door flew open and I was welcomed with open arms. Kilana hugged me tight and stepped out of the way to let me inside. This felt odd for me. I don't think she had ever really hugged me before. I stepped in to see the same old house. So many familiar places that I never want to see again. As I turned to look at Key I saw a tear in her eye. "What's wrong?" I asked a little uncomfortable. "You came to find out haven't you?" She said miserably going into her kitchen and sitting down on the counter. "Yeah... Kilana what is going on?" I asked her a little sad now as well by her reaction. "Come here." She said as I stepped closer. She whispered in my ear and I felt my heart drop into my stomach. Holy Shit! "Are you sure?" I asked scared now. She nodded her head got up and pushed me into the hallway and out the door slamming it behind me. How could this be? After Mark how could she do this? I dragged my feet home. Speechless to say the least. I plopped down on my bed and stared at the ceiling. This couldn't be happening. Why hadn't she told me sooner though? I'm not mad just a little shocked and nervous. Our futures weren't looking good at the moment. I lay there for at least an hour just staring into space. I wasn't thinking just trying to make sure I heard her correctly back at her house. No she couldn't have... could she? In the middle of my mindless thoughts my cell phone rang. Who would be calling me? I had just seen Key, my family never called, Casey lived next door, James was dead, and Mark was in jail. Who? I opened my desk drawer and took out my cell phone. I put it up to my ear. "Hello?" I asked a little nervous still. "I'm guessing Key finally told you." I heard Tre laugh to himself on the other side of the line. "Tre?" I asked in greater shock. "The one and only, I thought I'd call to see how you were doing." He said calmly. "Tre, how did you?... How did you get my number? I never told you... " I said being cut short. "I have my ways." He laughed once again. In the background I could hear loud talking like screaming fans. Of course I recognize this sound. Only a month ago I had been one of them. "Where are you?" I asked giggling to myself as I heard the screams "Marry Me Tre!" in the background by some teenager. "I'm at the arena right now. Autograph signings. How I met you." He laughed again. "These people are insane. If they get any worse we're going to need to call in a chopper to get away from the crowd." He said. I laughed again. "Well... um... I guess I just called to see if the number I picked up worked and was yours and well... I kinda have to go now bye." He said. "Bye." I said about to close up my phone when quickly before hanging up I heard him shout the words "I Love You!" Over the phone as if trying to make everyone hear and lay off of him. I hung up as well setting the phone back in my drawer. Okay wow. He surprises me yet again. How did he get my number? He has bad timing though. He has some really crazed fans as well. I laughed to myself at all the fans chasing him down the street. How did he know Kilana had told me though? Was he spying on me? That little freak. I seemed to say out loud as I thought it. I went out my door once again and down into the kitchen where I headed out into the small backroom down some steps and into my back yard. I was too troubled to stay in one place for more than five minutes at least unless I was deep in thought. Then time just seemed to fly by. I trudged across the grass. Overgrown from not being mowed for nearly seven weeks. I walked over to a bench I had set up under a tree by my fence. I stared across the yard at my small garden now full of weeds. I had nowhere to go and staying inside all day was slowly killing my mind. I lay across the wooden bench now looking up at the sky at passing clouds. It had seemed so long since I had done this alone. As I spotted out pictures in the white clouds overhead I felt my mind disappear and I got drowsy until I finally passed out in the afternoon sun.
***
I woke up to see pitch darkness around me. How long had I slept? It was about 7 when I fell asleep and now it had to be at least 9. It doesn't really get this dark until around 10 unless it's in the winter but it was the middle of summer. I sat up. The night air was cold against my skin. As I stood up to go inside the motion-censored light on my back porch came on. I went upstairs pulling off my clothes as I went leaving a trail leading up the stairs and into my room. I climbed into me bed rolling over to get comfortable and went back to sleep forcibly. The moon shining through my window was the only source of light in my room. It was my little nightlight.
***
"Tre!" I shouted as I slept. I ran across the wide meadow to his limp body. Mike hung from a tree about 10 feet above the wet grass in which I stood. I wrapped my arms around Tre squeezing his dead corpse tightly in my hands. The sky was dark and gloomy the silver mist setting in making it hard to see. The world seemed to disappear in the fog and the grass dried and broke under my feet as I dragged my friend through the cloudy field and onto the side of a dark street in front of an old building. Trees shot up around me in place of the abandoned shops. Ghost like figures walked by down the walkway around me curving into an alleyway and vanishing from sight. What kind of dream is this? I saw the tall slim shape of Mike drop off a windowsill on the other side off the street crossing over to me his pale face reflecting in the dim light through the fog of the street lamp. I let out a small shiver as he came closer and I felt the piercing cold hand of his touch my arm. I held Tre closer to me than ever tears streaming down my face splashing onto the cement forming a puddle next to me. I clasped Tre's hand in mine not wanting to let go. I wasn't going to let Tre die. There had to be something, somewhere that would bring him back and I would go to the ends of the earth to get it. "It's too late, He's with us now." Mike said quietly in an eerie and raspy voice. This wasn't Mike's voice. It was more supernatural and harsh than it ever had been before. "No!" I shouted grabbing Tre around the waist and pulling myself out of Mike's reach dragging Tre with me. "It's too late. You can't save him." Mike said again his eyes blank and pure white. The pupils completely gone. His zombie like stare sent me back against the tree trunk behind me. I held Tre's rag-doll body in one hand and dug my nails into the thick bark with the other. Out of the fog came more people. Billie Joe was one of them taking his place beside Mike that same ghostly stare in his eye. And Key came up. Her eyes glowed the bright hazel they were and she stepped forward towards me as I started to inch my way up ignoring the weight in my right arm. She collapsed in front of me down on her knees staring up at me scared. "Help." She seemed to say in that same creepy way. I let go of the tree now holding onto Tre with all my might. I took off running dragging Tre's feet on the ground slowing me down. They weren't going to take him from me. Not like they had done to James. I ran out of the fog onto a high bridge where I lay Tre's motionless carcass on the edge as cars passed by. Where was I and why wasn't I waking up from this nightmare? I wiped the tears from my eyes that had stained my face a deep red. Blood red. I felt faint at the sight but I wasn't going to let myself pass out. I pressed my lips gently to Tre's for one last kiss before I met a sharp pain in the back of my head and collapsed onto him Mike standing behind me now a bloody bat in his hands.
***
I sprung awake instantly looking around my room in shock. Thank god it was a dream. My heart felt as if it were about to jump out of my chest from the rapid beating against my ribs. I felt blind in the sunlight that had come over me so suddenly and I put my hand to the back of my head in pain as I winced. I pulled it back to see a thin line of blood on my fingertip. "No" I said quietly to myself. I ran into the bathroom and turned against the mirror. I parted my hair where my head was in such pain to see a small gash across my scalp. What had happened? It couldn't possibly have been real. That dream. It couldn't happen. Or was this a dream as well? No it couldn't be I could feel the pain. What was going on? Was I delusional? I stepped back from the mirror in horror as I bumped into the back wall. This couldn't be happening. I held my hand to the back of my head once more and the pain slowly went away until I pulled it away again. Once again a small line of blood trailed up the length of my index finger. It was just a dream. Mike hadn't really killed me. He hadn't really hit me with that bat. He was miles away from here. He couldn't have. Tre was fine. And these people were my friends and would never do anything to me like that. Would they? This was all just one big nightmare. All of it. The secrets, the pain, Green Day, James's death, Mark. All of it was just one big nightmare that I would eventually awake from and be home in my bed, James would be downstairs eating breakfast and Key would be happy. But I knew that wasn't going to happen.
***
I was getting paranoid. I walked down the street to Key's house about three hours after I had woke up. I sat on her couch in the living room holding a cup of warm coffee in my hands. "I'm sure you're just imagining it all. I mean I would never let that happen. And you can trust Mike and Billie Joe. They would never try to um... kill you. And Tre is fine. How could he possibly die like that? Besides you said you were in a field then in a city with trees all around you. Sorry to say this but this is all just your imagination so just calm down Kiki." Kilana said sitting across from me in a recliner. "It just felt so real though and the cut on the back of my head. How did it get there?" I asked a little nervous still. "What cut?" She asked confused. I had just brought it up. "When I woke up I had a cut on the back of my head and it was bleeding." I said feeling that small pain on my scull that I had felt earlier. The pain was going though and I no longer felt it only when I thought about how it had hurt. I was imagining the pain now. "Let me see." Key sighed coming over and taking a seat next to me. "There isn't anything there." She said worried about me when I had parted my hair once again to show her. "What? Nothing?" I said freaking out again. I got up and ran around the corner into her bathroom looking at myself in the mirror. She was right. It was gone. Had I really just imagined it? I had to get out of here. Something was definitely wrong with me. I ran out the door Kilana chasing after me confused as to why I had took off so soon. To tell the truth I was as confused as she was. I know what I saw earlier and I was going to make sure I wasn't just imagining it. I would prove it somehow. I went into my room once again panting for air but still determined to see in my own home. I stood in front of the mirror. There it was! The scar on my head, red and deep, blood slowly dripping from it. I wiped it with my hand but the blood didn't show up on my skin. What was going on? I took a hand mirror from the drawer by me and held it up to see again. It was gone. The cut was only showing up in the big mirror on my bathroom wall. The pain was only really felt when I saw it. I had to destroy the mirror. I pulled it off the wall leaving it bare. I took the mirror over to my bedroom window and opened it up. I slid the glass out the window and over into the grass below where it shattered into millions of small pieces. The pain I felt was gone once again. I felt the back of my head. I felt no cut and no blood. It was the mirror. Whatever it did. I had destroyed the mirror and now I could wake up from this dream. I swayed on my feet and fell to the floor passing out.
***
I opened my eyes to a noon sun. I sat up on the soft carpet. I grabbed hold of the dresser side and pulled myself to my feet. No pain this time and no memory of my dream this morning. All I knew was that I had gone insane and thrown my mirror out the bedroom window due to a small cut in my skin that only I could see in one mirror. I looked around the room. The window was still open from my last sullen riot. My stomach ached from hunger. All I had had this morning to eat was a half-cup of coffee. I walked out my door and down the stairs to the kitchen. I opened my fridge and pulled out some milk and a bowl of leftover chicken wings from last night. I forgot to say I had eaten before going out into the garden and fell asleep on the bench. I put some of the wings in the microwave to heat them up and rolled them around in the sauce that had all drizzled off of the wings. I took a seat at my table eating my lunch in quiet. Life was moving slow again for me and felt like a day lasted forever and tomorrow would never come. As I finished eating I threw the foam container from the chicken wings into the trash and gulped down the last bit of milk in my glass. I had to go to work today. Only for a few hours though. I went upstairs and put on some clean clothes as well as my work shirt on over it. I went back downstairs grabbing my keys from the hook on the wall shoving them in my pocket and heading out the door. I picked up a pair of roller blades from my garage and pulled off my shoes to put them on. McDonalds was a ways away and without a car it takes longer so I needed wheels of some sort. Along with a bag of chips to snack on and a bottle of water I put my shoes in a grocery bag that I slung over my shoulder and I went off down the road trying to avoid any rocks that had gotten thrown out into the street that I could trip on. I pulled a nametag out of my shirt pocket and pinned it on. The word KIKI was in bold letters. They would put on my full name but it was too long. I mean Kikiranali is pretty long for that tiny hunk of plastic and metal. I rolled around the corner onto the street in which James's house once was. Now his stuff had been cleared and it was for sale. I felt tears in my eyes as I passed by the tall home of my ex-boyfriend. I wiped the tears away and continued around the next corner and down the street to my workplace. I went around to the back of the building and put on my shoes setting my blades in the grass by the tree that loomed over the drive-thru. I went in the back door putting up my hair and ready to work again. "Hey! You're finally back!" I heard Sara say as she approached me. "So sorry. It was on the news and everything." She said to me looking sad but then going to her annoying constant happiness and walking back into the kitchen to check up on everything. I could hear that annoying giggle of hers from a mile away. I went to the back to look at the chart of jobs for the day. "Table Cleaner." I said to myself reading the card that had been placed under my name. "Oh Come on I've done this at least 40 more times than everyone else here." I said going into the closet and grabbing some washcloths and a bucket of water. I went out and set it in the corner of the room waiting for people to come in and actually give me something to clean. This was so boring. When no one in town even comes here all we do is sit around and wait. Around 1:30 a tall man came in. Dressed in office clothes he stood out really well against the colorful McDonalds background. "I'll take... " I heard him start to say to Chuck at the register. "... to go." He finished. Come on can't you just stay so I have something to do and I can get paid for today? I thought to myself sitting in one of the booths my head in my hands half asleep waiting. I hate this job. I wish I worked back at my old restaurant that Casey is at now. I looked around the room bored out of my mind. "Hey Kiki! Why don't you wash the tables! No one has done it today!" Jim laughed a little throwing the washcloth I had got out at me. I snatched it from the air and stood up to go get the bucket. I dipped the cloth into the soapy water and started to scrub down the tabletops. I had cleaned them at least three times before I finally gave up. They were spotless and there was no point in washing them over and over. I dumped out the bucket out in the back onto the pavement spraying it out with a hose and then putting it back in the closet. I grabbed my bag from under the trees by my roller blades and took out my water and chips. I sat on the bench in the front of the building watching the passing cars and munching on my chips. "Hi, good to see you back." Chuck said taking a seat next to me and grabbing a few chips from the bag in my hands. "I wish I could say the same." I sighed kicking a rock on the cement. "Sorry for what happened but you stayed a while you must have enjoyed yourself a little at least." He said trying to cheer me up. "Yeah I guess I mean I did meet some new friends but how could you possibly say I had a little fun when my boyfriend was murdered." I said a little rudely. Chuck was probably enjoying the fact that James was dead. Chuck always had a thing for me but each time he tried to talk to me I'd just put him down because he should be smart enough not to approach me when I had a boyfriend already but now he didn't know about Tre or any of the guys of Green Day really so he saw no problem in his plan. "So you... wanna... " He started. "Chuck will you just stop it I have a boyfriend." I said stubbornly standing up to go inside where I would get some peace. "Who?" He asked confused. "If I told you, you wouldn't believe me." I said going inside to go back and sit in the kitchen with the other workers who were bored out of their minds. As I walked by I noticed Kayla eating a hamburger that she had made while waiting for someone to come. "You know if Sara saw you eating that she would get your ass fired." I said sitting down next to her. "What do I care, I hate this place and no one is coming so why not eat the food? No point in letting it all go to waste when we are having worse business than that closed down Ames store across town." She laughed to herself through a bite of her burger. "What is Jim doing?" I laughed noticed Jim crouched over a small table on the other side of the kitchen holding what looked like the Happy Meal toys. "Don't know but knowing Jim it's nothing we should bother with. It's just him enjoying himself. I stood up setting my food down and getting just close enough to see him playing with three of those plastic Barbies and some Hot Wheels cars that he had taken from their bin under the register counter and he was making the Barbie girls race on the small cars around in circles on the small tray he had on his lap. I ignored this. Jim always was a little loose in the head. I went once again back to my seat next to Kayla and took a big drink from my water bottle. "I can't wait till our shift ends and we get to go home." Kayla said finishing her lunch and throwing away her empty pop cup that she had also taken from her workplace without paying. Sure we worked here but we weren't allowed to eat any of the food we cooked.
***
Around 4 the bell rang and it was time to go back home. We had a total of three customers in the past 4 hours and all of them were to go so I had no job to do really. I had cleaned the tables though and I helped mop up a pop spill Sara had when trying to get a glass of Pepsi from the machine. I went out back once again putting my empty water bottle in my bag and then pulling on my skates to go home. As I went down my street little Jake chased after me trying to race but I got to my house long before he could. I was putting my blades back in the garage when he came huffing down my sidewalk collapsing in the grass by the steps. I picked him up and carried him inside sitting him down on the couch. I gave the little boy a glass of water that he sucked down in seconds and I took a seat next to him to listen to my music. "My mom... she... she boughted me another music CD." He said excitedly regaining his energy. "Yeah, which one?" I said putting in Kerplunk. She gots me International Superhits." He said digging through my CD stack until he found mine. "This one!" He smiled holding up the CD. "You like it?" I said watching him as I pressed play on my player. I turned up the volume so it was loud enough to hear and Jake went crazy as he listened to his favorite band. "Yeah I likes it." He said happily jumping back up on the couch next to me and sitting on his knees facing me. "I miss uncle Mike and Billie Joe and Tre though." He said looking at the pictures on the booklet to the Dookie CD. "He looks funny." Jake laughed pointing at the pictures. Of course they looked funny. Jake wasn't used to seeing them when they were teenagers. Well... they weren't exactly teens they were like 21 when the CD came out but still they were pretty young and now Jake was used to seeing them how they are now. "Where's your mom?" I laughed a little picking him up and pulling the little boy onto my lap making him giggle. "She's at home." He said simply looking through the pages again and setting the booklet down on the couch and going to find some more pictures he could look at. Why did this have to happen? Key shouldn't have let this happen. Jake didn't know. He didn't care. At least not yet.
***
After Jake had gone home later had I resorted to my bedroom once again with some lined loose-leaf paper and a pen. I sat on my bed writing out all that had happened. I wrote all I had remembered that had happened while I was with the guys. Tre hadn't told me his secret at all and so maybe I could figure it out on my own. I recorded all the weird things the guys had done while I was with them and all the things they lied to me about. I read over and over my notes but all the signs had lead to a dead end. Mike and Billie Joe always going down to the lobby and not to be seen again and they had gone out on the town. Them disappearing on that hike we had. Tre's constant surprises and all those papers he wouldn't let me see. Him running away while out on the street to come back to the hotel and possible do other things and he lied about it even though Billie Joe had good proof he hadn't gotten lost. Billie had thrown a rock at him and he still kept running. Tre's trust me speech, his excuses, stealing that paper while in the closet helping me pack. Taking my keys to my room in order to get in. His reaction to James's journal, his reaction to James's ring that he was once to ask me the big question. How he had always stuck up for me, running away all the time, there was something I was missing here. What did his weird behaviors mean? All those secrets he wouldn't tell me. This was so confusing. I would never have imagined Tre being able to keep secrets for this long and covering it all up so easily. I gave up. Maybe I would try again later if I remembered anything else that had happened that might help me figure this out. I sat on my bed staring at my poster-covered walls. Sure I had destroyed a good amount of them and had given them away but I still had plenty of pictures covering my walls I had just taken down some of my favorites and most of my actual posters. Now I had small parts of my walls covered in magazine clippings of the guys and other drawings I had done. I looked over all the various pictures remembering the good times I had spent with them. Maybe I would see them some day again. I could only hope now. I took the slip of paper Tre had given me and looked over the numbers. And the E-mail address. Why did he give me an E-mail address? He knew that I didn't any longer have a computer and Key doesn't. Had he forgotten? I still would keep this with me though. It was a sign that he wouldn't forget me. I didn't think it best to call him though and when he's on the other side of the country it's kinda pointless to try to call him. He'll be out of reach for calling and even if I could call him when he's that far away it'd be like $5 a minute. Too expensive to talk to him. And besides I wouldn't want to call him at a bad time. What if he were at a concert... or a photo shoot... or making a video... or pretty much anything... I didn't want to bug him at all... so I would just wait for him to call me again... somehow he had gotten my number. I had to be curious though as to what he was up to and I lifted my cell phone from my drawer and flipped it open ready to punch in the numbers scribbled on the paper but my senses got the best of my and I set it back into the drawer. What was I to do with myself for... the rest of my life?
