All By Myself, All On My Own, chapter 36

All by myself all on my own part thirty-six


I opened my eyes the next morning a little unaware of how I had gotten in my bed and what had happened last night. I rolled over onto my other side to see a bright glare of sun in my eyes reflecting off the picture hanging on the wall above my TV. I squinted into the sun and rested my head back in the pillow to let the gentle face of the beloved drummer laying next to me cast a shadow on me and blocking out the early morning sunrise.

I wasn't ready to get up! I rolled once again back over so my back was to Tre who's heavy breathing was just under a level that could be called a 'snore' was right in my face. I pulled the sheets up over my shoulders to block out the chill of my room. My vision was blurred from just waking up and I wasn't able to quite read the digital alarm clock on my bedside but it was either an 8:00 or a 9:00. I must have not gotten enough sleep last night... either that or too much because ten minutes later I opened my eyes again sleepily to the movement of Tre sitting up in bed. I rolled over my eyes hardly open to see him sitting up looking at me with a tired smile on his face. His soft eyes dazed and warm as they looked through me. I pulled the blankets once again back up to my shoulders to block out the coldness left upon me from the last few minutes of sleep and Tre moving them off of me.

"Morning." He yawned getting out of bed and getting down on the floor to open his suitcase and pull out some clothes to wear. He set them on the bed on his side and pulled yesterday's shirt of the floor to wear until he was ready to get changed. I sat up shivering as the sheets I had pulled up fell from my shoulders onto my lap again.

"What's the big hurry to get up?" I whispered yawning too and falling onto my back once again exhausted. "No hurry." He responded jumping onto the bed next to me making me jump about a foot in the air. I laughed as I caught my balance grabbing hold of the side table before I fell off the edge. I pushed myself back up laughing hysterically. Tre crawled closer to me making me lose my balance again as I tipped back and sideways off the bed again. He pressed his lips to mine gently at first then pushing in a little harder before pulling away completely. I sat up one last time as he once again got up and this time sneaked out the door quietly before I had time to even question what he was doing. I climbed out of my bed and pulled and pulled the blanket off with me, wrapping it around my frozen body. I dragged it out into the hall and down the stairway to find Tre sitting on the kitchen table.

"What was that about?" I asked sitting down in the chair next to him.

"What?" he said back looking up as if he hadn't understood but that glint in his eye told me he had heard me perfectly.

"Why'd you be so quick to leave?" I asked laughing a little to myself.

"Oh... um... don't you think you should start packing? We leave tomorrow.

"Fine, but stop trying to change the subject." I said picking myself off the chair and untangling the sheet from me so I could move. Then I went back around the corner and up the stairs. Okay... what's with him this morning? Come on, is he doing that whole secret person shit again?!? I went up the steps and once again down the hall and took a turn second room to the right back into my bedroom. I threw down the blanket back onto the bad bracing myself in the coldness of the room. Oh, how I longed to crawl back into my cozy warm covers and go back to sleep. Instead though I pulled out a long-sleeve shirt and some jeans. I know I would die of the heat as soon as I stepped outside but I was cold now so I didn't care. I pulled out my suitcase, which I hadn't used since that faithful trip to a Green Day concert. This would be a long trip though... a permanent trip. What about all my stuff? The stuff in my house that I can't take with me? What about the things I grew up with that Tre will have no room for? How would I get rid of them before tomorrow?

Moving wasn't easy. I was going to miss this old house of mine that I grew to know and in a way... love. I erased this thought from my head before it took the better of me. If I persuaded myself not to go I would always regret the chance I had to live with the drummer of a famous band and my love. Though there was that huge part of me that so desperately wanted to be with him there was another side that wanted to just stay home and ignore this all to go live on with my sad life alone. I pulled out some clothes from my closet and shoved as much as possible into the bag I had laid out open on my bed. I clamped it shut and then dug through the black hole under my bed to find another case to use. I know this was a bit of a burden to only be able to bring so much... I can only have so much luggage on a plane and it wasn't enough luggage to bother with calling a moving van.

I flung open my desk drawers and pulled out all the things I had kept in there for so long and I took the piles of paper from my desk and neatly stacked them into a series of ten colored folders to put into my second suitcase with some more clothes and the diary I had kept for so many months... the one that had belonged to my first love. The one that he had owned... the one I would never leave behind and would never forget. I know it was so long since that dreadful night in the warehouse cornered by Mark... all our lives on the line, James taking the fall for me. The only death I had ever really witnessed and in my mind the worst there ever was. It was pure terror and just the memory I tried my best to always keep in the back of my mind and out of my thoughts still terrorized my dreams and still haunted my days. I would always put him first before Tre.

Sure, I loved Tre more than any thing else in the world but James was the one I had first, the one I loved first, the one I grew up with and the one who died for me. He would always be before Tre no matter what happened. I felt tears well in my eyes at these thoughts. I had broken my promise and had let these memories bubble to the surface and before I had time to calm down I had grabbed hold of my Green Day shirt I had made just before I had packed it and was curled up at the head of the bed with tears streaming from my eyes. I whimpered in my sorrow for him to come back, for James, anyone really, just someone to help me, someone to be there for me.

I knew that was Tre, but I couldn't let him see this. I couldn't let him see me crying over James. Tre had replaced James in my life. I had betrayed James's love by being with Tre and he couldn't fix me, and he couldn't put me back on the right path. No one could. I'm not even sure I could. I let my sadness overwhelm me but yet shoved the pillow to my face to soak up the tears yet leaving black stains on the cloth from my running eyeliner. I stifled my sobs. Tre couldn't know. He couldn't see me like this, and he couldn't know I was crying. I stood up shakily my legs weak yet I kept myself up and still holding the pillow over my face I made my way to the door and down the hall and into the bathroom, slamming the door behind me just as I heard the soft footsteps of Tre coming up the stairway. I went to the corner and sat on the toilet rapidly ripping tissues from the box on the sink counter. I pressed them to my eyes until they were soaked then dropped the soggy and blackened pieces into the trash can next to me. I wiped my eyes dry at last and then stood up breathing through my stuffy nose unable to breath through my mouth since I was still trying to catch my breath from all this. I looked in the mirror to see how red my eyes and cheeks were. I couldn't go out there now... there is no way he won't notice me looking like this. Where was Tre now anyway?

When I had come in at least five minutes ago he was coming up the stairs... did he go back downstairs?
I didn't hear his footsteps at all after I closed the door. Perhaps he was in my bedroom waiting or looking for me. Or maybe he's even standing outside the door at this moment listening. Maybe he knew I was crying. Maybe he was just wondering why I was taking so long. I couldn't take the chance of walking out there now. He'd know something was up even if he didn't figure it out by now. I know he doesn't seem to use it much but he did have a brain and he could be smart if he wanted to. I pulled open the drawer to my right and pulled out some stuff. I reapplied my eyeliner and smudged a little baby powder I had on my face to make my face paler instead or the teary redness it was.

I wasn't white now of course but I was lighter and looked almost human. I wiped my eyes one last time and reached for the doorknob still holding my pillow and my shirt in my other hand. I opened the door slowly and crept out hoping that Tre wasn't in my room. I let out a sigh of relief, as I didn't see Tre anywhere. I went in and tossed the pillow back on the bed, luckily it had landed to the stained side down so incase Tre did see me he wouldn't notice how badly I had been really crying but... once again it was too late. I felt a warm arms curl around my front and his chin rested on my left shoulder as he breathed in deeply.

"You okay?" He asked concerned.

"Yeah."

"You sure? I mean... you were gone a while and... have you been crying?" He asked noticing the bright gleam in my eyes from the tears that refused to leave and the redness around my eyes not covered up by the powder or makeup.

"No, I'm fine." I said my voice a little cracky from both sadness and nervousness.

"Stop lying to me, you've been crying... " He said sniffing at me.

"You smell like powder and you're shaking... oh... and that diary is still on the bed from when you ran out of the bedroom to the bathroom." He laughed a little bit kissing my cheek gently then wiping the powder from his lips laughing a little more. He picked up the journal I had been holding nearly ten minutes ago and he put it on top of my suitcase then took the shirt still in my hands adding it to the case then snapping it shut for me to add it with the other.

"Come on, we leave in a day. We gotta finish your packing." He said calmly to me taking my hand in his and leading me to the bed where I sat down trying to regain myself.
***
I had finished packing as much as I could that night around 8. I had five suitcases completely full as far as they could without exploding when you picked them up. I lay exhausted on my bed while Tre dug through what was left of me stuff... quite a bit... we had decided I would gradually move in... every now and then when I would come back down to Florida I would bring a little more with me of my stuff to take back. The house would still belong to me yet mainly Casey and one of my neighborhood friends would take care of it for me as long as I was away from Florida.

I was going to miss this place either way though. Now my walls were as bare as they could be. The blank room scared me in a way and put me back to the hotel so far away. Lying on my bed I believed I could see my ceiling for the first time in four years. I could see bits of tape still stuck here and there though, which showed something once was hanging there. I closed my eyes letting the quiet... well almost quiet... take me in. Tre tossed things from the closet in search of anything he thought I might need in California. Mostly I think he was just looking for something to do or something he might find interesting or bad. You know what I mean by bad... you people have dirty minds... USE 'EM. I rolled onto my side and pulled the sheets over me.

I know it was like 70 degrees outside but I was still chilly inside and even with long sleeves, it didn't help much. I wanted to go outside but Tre insisted I stay in today and pack for our trip tomorrow. I wanted to at least say good-bye to my town first though. He finished digging as soon as he realized he wouldn't find anything of interest and then came up and lay down on the bed next to me. It wasn't long before he got tired though and drifted off to sleep.

How can a guy just fall asleep at the weirdest times?

Like... as soon as their head touches a pillow their brain shuts down. I don't know... either way after he fell asleep I took the blanket off of me and put it over him and slipped out of the room. Yes, I could get a moment alone finally. I tiptoed down the stairway and out the front door then made a run for it down the path and around the corner out onto the street. I slowed down in the heat. Holy hell, I should have changed my shirt first, its frickin' hot! I rolled up my sleeves and continued at a steady pace down the block until I reached the corner. I walked up to the old McDonalds and went in. Most people's shifts were over that I normally work with so I wouldn't be able to say good bye but I still had to quit my job... man... this is going to be hard.

***

Okay... that was all done... my job was lost and I had said good-bye to most of my friends... oh god I wanna cry!

I pressed the bottom of my palm hard on my eye until I could see red and it stung then I pulled away to be blinded by the setting sun. No tears though... perfect, I didn't want to cry any more. I wonder when Tre would wake up? I dunno... . I ran back around to Key's house and ran up the front steps and knocked on the door. Of course Jake was to open it. He jumped on me shouting out my name happily. He was just big enough to be able to fling himself around my waist and stand on his tiptoes to hold on the best he could. I laughed a little at the sudden surprise and fell back a little. He let go on his own and ran off into the other room no doubt to tell Mike or Key I was here. Key heard him already from the doorway though and walked out sleepily from the living room, a book in her hand.

"Must have dozed off." She smiled a little setting her book down on a small table by the door where I stood on the mat. I smiled back and then eagerly burst out.

"You ready for tomorrow?" I said.

"Yeah." She said as excited, as anyone would be about good news when they are half asleep.

"You DID say yes then, right?" She said. Had I told her I was going to live with Tre yet? Guess not.

"Yeah, I did, but what do you think Cali will be like I mean, we've never been there ourselves and I mean, we will be living with other people, I mean, at least I will. Their town is so much bigger than ours though. You think we'll fit in? I mean we aren't exactly what you call city girls." I laughed a little again thinking about Jake complaining about not being able to run around I the streets because there was too much traffic.

"I just wonder how Jake will take it. He's never been away from Florida before, and he's never been on a plane. He won't be as free to roam around town in Berkley as he is here." That would be another thing I would have to get used to, neither Key nor I could drive and there wasn't a way to walk from Oakland, where I'd be with Tre, all the way to Berkley, with Mike. It'd be about a five-ten minute drive at least. Oh well. I'm sure everything would be okay.

"Where's Mike?" I asked noticing for the first time since the guys had come here that he was not following Key. Sure he had been around without Key, but when there was company he did not know?

"He's upstairs trying to get Jake to calm down a little. Obviously it isn't working too well though." She said letting there be a long silence where you could just here giggles and the pounding footsteps from upstairs.

"Sure Mike is a pretty calm guy, but I think he's not the type of person you should get to calm down a rowdy little boy. She put her hand to her head for a second cupping her right eye for a moment and sighed, then walked away towards the area in which, she had come. I followed her into the living room and sat down next to her on the small couch.

"Did you pack yet?" Kilana asked me.

"Yeah, Tre locked me in the house for hours making me pack. What about you?"

"I have, took me forever, and Jake put up a huge fight as to why I was putting all of his stuff in bags. Of course, it'll take a while to move all our stuff in, I mean, we can't bring everything on the plane, and we aren't going to get a moving van for the stuff that's left cause it's a waste of money, it'd only be carrying like, five boxes total. We wouldn't need to bring furniture with us, there'd be no room." She finished pulling her legs up next to her and tucking her feet into the crack between the cushions and back.

"I just can't wait until tomorrow. How many boxes or bags do you have?" She asked one last question. "I have about five suit cases full and one box tightly wrapped up." I said counting on my fingers.

"Okay then, me and Jake have nine all together. Do you think they'll let us bring 15 bags of stuff with us?" She questioned once again.

"I suppose. I mean, it's not like they'll be all carry-on bags. Only one is needed for the trip there, if any at all." I said standing up.

"Well, that's mostly all I came for is to see you one last time before we meet tomorrow to go to the airport." I smiled walking out back into the hallway. I reached for the door and before heading out in a high voice and giggled and scrunched up saying

"I can't wait!" Kilana laughed a bit and responded in the same voice.
"Me neither!" and then I found myself walking back down the main path a moment later heading to the road and back to my own home. I turned around before I got to the actual sidewalk and took a long look at her home. I may never see this home again for years, or... ever. Now it was time to finally say good-bye to the last thing dear to me. My own home. The things that would be left behind that Casey would take care of for me, as she said, until I came back again for any reason. I hung my head low as I walked through the streets. I still had my sleeves pulled up past my elbows in the heat, well at least one was. My other sleeve was starting to roll down and was now nearly to my wrist just covering up one of my three hair ties still and always sitting on my arm. My two black and one green together making a sort of bracelet.

From a farther distance you never would realize they were hair ties, but instead one big band around my wrist there, and that is what some people, like my co-workers... well... ex-co-workers thought. I pulled my fallen sleeve once again back up and walked quietly down through the abandoned streets. If I didn't know this area well and that Mark wasn't in jail, this is the type of scene that would make you want to run down the street and get home, afraid someone may be following you, but in this place, you knew everyone and everyone knew you, and that the empty streets were always there. I kicked at pebbles on the road and kept on after them until I noticed I had actually passed my own home by three buildings. I turned around and jogged back up to my front lawn and just stood there looking over and taking in every detail of my old home. You know, as long as you have something, there are always certain things that you just NEVER seem to notice about it until it's time to leave it. I can remember my parents, back when I was about thirteen living in New York still, my parents had a green car and the day before they sold it I went up to my mom and asked when the red stripe got down the side of it. She just sighed and said,

"It's been there since we got it three years ago." She laughed at me and walked away. That was only one of the times this has happened to me, and I'm sure it's happened to everyone at one point in time. I snapped out of my thoughts and back into reality and lifelessly I was already walking up the front stairs and in the door. I crept up the stairs to see Tre sitting on the bed curled up on the end.

"There you are!" He said as if seeing me after looking for long hours on end and getting nothing.

"I went to see Key." I said. Hey, it wasn't all a lie, I just didn't tell him everything.

"Why did you leave when I was sleeping though? You worried me. You could have at least told me or left a note."

"No I couldn't, you wouldn't allow me to leave."

"Sure I would."

"No you wouldn't." and that was the end of that. I sat down on the bed next to him then collapsed over onto my back and we both stayed there in silence for quite some time.
***
"Come on wake up!" Tre whispered a little harshly in my ear early the next morning.

"Kiki! You wanna miss the flight? Wake up!" He repeated for the fifth time shaking my shoulder a little harder. I rolled over yawning deeply.

"Do I gotta?" I whined like Jake had done so many times when Key had had to wake him up on our trip a ways back. I still remembered that hotel oh so clearly, I mean, that was the biggest thing that has ever happened to me. How could I possibly forget it so easily? Especially with all the excitement and tragedy it had brought down upon me and still weighed me down to this day.

"Come on Kiki, you gotta get up and get dressed. You DO wanna come with me and Mike do you not?" He said taunting me a little.

"Fine." I mumbled sitting up. My hair was frizzy and folded over in my face from sleeping sideways. Tre threw a wad of clothes at me that he had pulled out of my suitcase and then left the room.

"Okay, okay... " I complained getting out of bed and getting dressed. He burst in a moment later with a piece of toast in his hand that he shoved into mine and took three more bags with him out the door and not a second after I heard him bounding down the stairs.

"What time again was that flight scheduled for?" I said to myself sleepily walking into the bathroom and brushing my hair.

I quickly finished and brought my brush with me as I slid down the railing to the bottom floor to see Tre just coming in the front door empty handed.

"Hey what's-"

" Mike's waiting in the car with Kilana." Tre said as he came around my bedroom corner carrying the last of my stuff and I quickly followed him out the door.

"It's going to be a tight squeeze!" Key yelled happily to me from the window. Tre shoved the last of the stuff into the trunk and got in the passengers seat leaving me to find a place to sit in the back behind him. I got in to find it very crowded. It was good I wasn't claustrophobic. Mike was slightly though and so he had his window rolled down. Kilana was really crushed since she was after all, what? Three months pregnant now? Jake was half asleep in Mike's lap up front who was handed off to Tre so Mike could drive. I yawned half asleep and rested my head against the window. Tre turned around to see but it didn't do much help with all the stuff crowding us.

"Hey, Kiki you awake still?" He said. I could sense laughter in his voice but since I couldn't see him clearly I wasn't positive.

"Yeah why?" I mumbled back.

"Just wondering." He said turning back around in his seat. There had been no real time to check the time but something told me it was before 9, and there for, to early to stay awake. I closed my eyes to rest more but at the first corner we turned onto Main Street and one of the boxes on the pile between me and Key came tumbling down on top of me and I could hear Tre's muffled laughter up front and Key's giggle's to my side. I opened my eyes with a start and shoved the box back onto the pile then continued to rest my head but at the next turn I heard it start to slide off again and I reached my hand up and held it on the pile so I could keep it from falling without having to leave my now comfy space against the door.

Mike was extremely quiet most of the drive to the airport, even compared to lil' Jake who was asleep in the front seat on Tre's lap made small noises and yawns now and then. Nothing seemed to break Mike's focus on what was ahead of him and nothing seemed to make him show any sign of emotion. As I lay against my window I felt it move out from under me and I quickly pulled away as the heavy breeze blew in.

"Tre!" I said annoyed.

"Ha ha, just had to do that to see if you were asleep or not. Sorry." He laughed. Jake lifted his head sleepily as to why his bed was moving but fell quickly back down and drifted away from the world. I rubbed my tired eyes.

"I'm awake now!" I complained and he rolled my window back up. I rested my head against the back of the seat and stared up at the ceiling of the car. I put my foot under the seat ahead of me and kicked up making him bounce ahead of me. I heard little Jake mumble and Tre turned around again.

"Hey! Fine, we're even happy now?" He smiled once again going back around and looking out the window as we passed a bar. Jake was starting to get annoyed at all the moving around and sat up.

"Are we there yet?" He asked Jake sleepily.

"No hun." Key said calmly.

"Go on back to sleep." Jake collapsed again onto Tre's chest and rested. I could just see in the mirror Tre's beaming face towards the little boy. He laughed a little and calmed down and then just seemed uncomfortable about Jake laying on him but he didn't complain. I pulled my legs up onto the seat with me and sat curled up looking out the window as the afternoon sun came in around me. It was a bit uncomfortable not being able to see anyone. The seat being ahead of me and the large pile to my side and nothing behind me but my seat and to my other side the door. It was boring, now and then during the ride someone will point out something that you couldn't see or say something that you didn't understand because you couldn't see what they were talking about or even the expression on their face to show their mood towards something.

When things like this happened, it was mostly Key, she loved to go to new places and as for this she hasn't been anywhere around the airport since the day we moved here. I let my eyes shut again and without knowing it I must have fallen asleep again 'cause about 15 minutes later, which felt like only seconds I felt a warm hand on my shoulder shaking me calmly. I opened my eyes to see Mike squatting down in the doorway of the car by my side.

"Hey come on, Tre has Jake and him and Key are waiting for you, let's go." He smiled pulling me out and to my feet. I opened my eyes fully for the first time to see we had arrived at the airport and it looked so much bigger than I had always remembered it.

The length of the building went far down and then the track took up much of the field down to the other end of the street that ran along side it. Not only was it long but the place was really tall and the windows shined and gleaming against the sun. I put my hand over shading my eyes to block out the glare as I came closer to the front entrance with Mike by my side. Finally the figured shadows of Tre, Jake and Key came into focus and we entered through the large double doors into the cold entrance room where there were lines of people all waiting to go through scanners. I sleep walked mainly through the metal detector coming out clear. The only one to set it off was little Jake because he had for some random reason a magnet and a paperclip in his pocket, which was taken away from him but he didn't seem to care. After all, he was only about as awake as I was right now. After we were through that step Key picked Jake up in her arms and carried her tired son with her to the ticket counter.