Another Brother, chapter 6
The rain fell heavily down from the dark grey night sky. I was soaked from head to toe. My clothes had socked through to my pale white skin. My stomach was so empty and shrunken to the size of nothing; I had nothing left to go on. I was so skinny my frail ribs stuck out. All that covered my bones was a thin layer of white skin, I thought I was skinny before but now my waist was no bigger than my neck.
The thunder pounded like drums in the sky, and the lighting was amazing. I sat on the curb underneath the light of a lamppost. I held my knees no my chest with my arms to keep as warm as I could. I was shaking uncontrollably.
Drops of rain feel from my fringe and down my noise. I couldn't take it much longer. Joey's smirk of an evil grin when I was being taken away was stuck in my head. I couldn't understand why he would do that; I had only met him twice. He didn't even know me, all he knew was my name and age and a few things about me.
Lighting stuck, a second of light in the air, then suddenly the streetlight went out. I was left in darkness. I pulled my hood up over my head to make an attempt to stay slightly warmer. This is how is going to be, a kid faded away in the shadows of the street. No one cares enough to wonder if, or when I eat. No one gives a dam whether or not I roll over and die. No one cares.
I buried my head in my knees, trying to hold back the tears. But no matter how much I tried tears poured down my face. I had never cried like that before. I cried. Sat and cried. Tears poured out my eyes like a leaking tap.
Hundreds of people ushered by down the busy street. None of them even stoped to take a second look at me, little loan ask what was wrong. I've never felt so alone, So un-loved and I came from an orphanage. I was going to die out here. Stave to death, if not that I would certainly freeze. It was minus one degree.
A car drove by splashing me as it speed past. "Fuck you" I whispered. I pulled my sleeves down over my hands and slowly stood up. I turned into the crowd of people that rushed about making there way home after work. Rushing home to their families, wife, husband or children.
I made my way slowly down the street, to the less busy end of town. "Where to now?" I asked my self. Just two weeks ago I would never have imagined I would be here. Alone, hungry, cold and wet.
I wiped a tear from my face as I passed a restaurant. The smell of the rich expensive foods filled my lungs. It only made my stomach growl louder. I stood by the window, and watched for a bit. Watching the families eating away in side, in the warmth.
I leaned against the brick wall of the restaurant as I stared down the arcade. There was about five restaurants up there. The smells of the foods made my stomach grumble and ache, I don't think I had even been that hungry in my life. I was wasting away.
I sat down in a bench in the middle of the arcade outside the restaurant.
I thought for a bit. What was I going to do? Now that Mike had kicked me out on the street, and I had lost my base, how was I going to get food? How was I going to survive the freezing winters? Was I going to survive and if I did, why what would I be surviving for?
As I sat and asked myself over and over again, Billie, his wife Adie, Jakob and JOEY emerged from the restaurant that I was sitting out side.
I didn't notice him at first, and then I herd his voice. If it wasn't for him, I would in side, dry, and with a full stomach and a family.
Instantly I filled with rage. I forgot completely about my starving stomach pains, and my freezing bones. The rage built up inside me like a boiling balloon, ready to bust at the slightest touch.
"You." I snarled as he walked casually past. He jumped in shock when he saw me. I glared at him. He backed away; he was terrified of me I could tell by the look in his eyes. Maybe it was the look on my face, or the fact that he knew I was going to kill him.
"You, little prick." I was going my best not to right there and then, pounce on him and bash his fucked up face in. For what he did to me, he had it coming. I hadn't done anything to him, and he got me arrested. TWICE. And rewind my chances of ever having a family.
"Oh, dad, could we give some change to the hobo?" he asked innocently. Billie hadn't noticed it was me and handed some change to Joey. With out a second thought.
Joey bent down to give it to me, "you deserve what you get you scum bag orphan." He whispered evilly into my ear.
"Fuck you" I whispered back. It was getting incredibly hard not to knock his front teeth out there and then.
"Oh, and you kiss your mother with that mouth? Oh right you don't have one." He snapped back.
I snapped. The rage blew up in his face.
I punched him as hard as I could right in his face. Once wasn't enough. I hit him again and again. He hit attempted me back. I was to mad, angry and upset to even reacted to his punches. Although I was small, I was angry, and nothing beats anger. I hit him even harder, his noise began to bleed and a bruise instantly appeared on his face.
Billie jumped in and grabbed me into the air off his Joey. Still unaware it was me. It was too dark.
I kicked and struggled trying to get free. "What the fuck do you think you're doing to my son!" he yelled.
"He had it coming!" I screeched back still struggling to get free. Joey whimpered on the ground like the little girl he was. As Adie came to his side, she hugged him and kissed him on the cheek, to see a little brat like him get everything: a family, a big house, money, food, an education. It made me sick with hate.
"That's it I'm calling the police." Billie said as he held me in a headlock and pulled out his phone with his free hand. "No one hits my boy and gets away with it." He said as he dialled in 911.
The whole time I hadn't stopped struggling. But I was far too weak to get free. I was skin and bone, I had no mussel and very little energy (especially after I took it out on Joey).
"If I have my way, you'll be going to juvenile hall!" he exclaimed angrily.
Juvenile hall. Those words played my ears. 'As if things aren't bad enough' I thought angrily.
Billie let his guard down for a split second and I managed to make a break for it. I bolted for the other end of the arcade, I ran out into the pouring rain, and disappeared into the darkness of the freezing night.
I ran with out looking back until my skinny frail legs couldn't hold my weak body up. I stumbled and collapsed in a puddle on the side walk. I didn't get up. I tried to pull myself up, but my arms where to weak. I couldn't go on like this. I just couldn't.
Tears streamed from my eyes once again. From the pain, the pain of being so weak, and having my hopes and dreams torn up.
I didn't try to hide my tears. I didn't care any more. I laid in the puddle of muddy water shaking. My teeth stuttering, for the first time in my life I didn't care what happened to me. I wanted to die. I watched as millions of rain drops feel from the black night sky.
Eventually I crawled up against a fence near by where I had been laying. I pulled the photo out of my pocket. I stared at the picture of mike. My brother. Tears rolled down my face.
He was willing to let me into his house, to become apart of his family and all because of Joey, that wasn't going to happen.
As I sat and though I began to understand Joey, in a way that I saw straight through before. Joey didn't do it because of hatred, but because of love, love for his friend Estella.
I got in the way of that; I got in the way of everything. I had made a mess of everything.
Then suddenly it hit me. Like a ton of bricks it nearly made me pass out. I was being so selfish. "How could I be so selfish?" I aid to myself. I had completely forgotten about Estella, who was laying in intensive care, because of me. I didn't know if she was okay. I had to find out. In my eyes, it was my fault, no matter what any one else said. I know I didn't push her, but I didn't save her either. I had to know if she was okay, if she would live a normal life. Or live at all.
I dug deeper into my soaked pocket and pulled out a skewed up piece of paper and a pen. I straitened out the paper as best I could and began to write.
Dear, Mike, Estella and every one else.
I have a few things that have to be said. To all of you.
Mike, I'm sorry, is all I can say now. But I am sorry. I mean it with the deepest regrets in all my hart. I'm sorry I popped up in your life and in such a short time coursed such a big mess. I have nothing I could give you to make things right, this letter is all I can do. If there is anything else I could do, believe me I would do it at the drop of a hat. But for now an apology is all I can give you. Please forgive me, we are brothers as the saying goes blood is thicker than water but I can under stand perfectly why you chose your creation (Estella) over me.
Estella, I may not of pushed you, but I didn't save you either. For that I feel the greatest sorrow. I send my apologies to you I hope you get better real soon. I'm sorry, if moving you after your fall affected anything, but I can't count, and I couldn't call an ambulance for you. I will try to learn to count in the future, (as you can tell by this letter I have worked out the whole reading thing).
Until then all the very best for the future.
And to every one, I'm not going to point the finger, at anyone. But you know who you are and I'm not mad at you. You did what you did to protect your friend I guess.
In my defence though I would like to say this to all of you,
I'm not a bad kid; I admit I do bad things but I'm not a bad kid. I would of enjoyed getting to know you all, but we don't always get what we want.
But now I can't go on, so don't be expecting any more grief from me. I'll be out of your hair for good; this is the noblest thing I can do. So on this piece of paper I say my goodbyes and so long to every thing.
Good-bye, Ryan.
I signed the letter and sighed. I folded the piece of paper and tucked it in my pocket so it wouldn't get any more wet, and the ink wouldn't smudge.
This was the only way. I had said good-bye to my only family and now it was time to end it completely.
I pulled my self up using the fence, and hobbled down the dark street. In the direction of Mikes house, to deliver the letter.
When I arrived out front of his massive ' palace'. I stood there for a while and just looked. The rain continued to fall, as did the thunder pounded and lighting strikes.
I dug my hand into my pocket and fished around, then pulled out the folded letter.
I un folded it and read through it once again. A single tear feel from my eye and landed on the piece of paper. I folded it back up again, and shoved into Mike's letter box.
I crossed my arms and shivered. I rubbed my arms to get slightly warmer. I pulled up my hood and began to walk of into the darkness.
As I was passing the next-door neighbours house (Billie's), Mike ran out from his house. He had been watching me from his kitchen window. He ran out, instantly getting soaked from the rain.
What I had left to say to him was written on that letter. That was it. He grabbed the letter out of the letterbox and speed though it. I didn't hang around, nor did I run. I just continued walking.
Then Mike called out to me. "Ryan! Wait Ryan!" he yelled at the top of his voice. He had to yell that loud to be herd over the thunder.
"Ryan it doesn't have to end this way! Estella told me everything! She's awake she's okay!" he yelled in a desperate attempt to stop me. "She said you didn't push her! I Know that!"
That's what I wanted to hear, 'Estella okay'. It brought a slight smile to my face. But wasn't going to stop me, my mind was made up. I fucked up; now its time I paid the price.
"Ryan! Stop!" Mike called in a final attempted.
Mike stood by his letter box, dripping with water. He held the letter scrunched up in his hand. As he watched me disappear.
I just kept walking. Walking away from my only brother, my only chance of a family.
I walked with out stopping, or stoping to look back. I disappeared from Mike's vision into the darkness of that night. I vanished into the shadows. I walked alone, not even my own shadow walked beside me. This was the end... for me.
Mike called out for me one last time he called into the darkness. Only to get no reply. I was gone, vanished into the night.
The thunder pounded like drums in the sky, and the lighting was amazing. I sat on the curb underneath the light of a lamppost. I held my knees no my chest with my arms to keep as warm as I could. I was shaking uncontrollably.
Drops of rain feel from my fringe and down my noise. I couldn't take it much longer. Joey's smirk of an evil grin when I was being taken away was stuck in my head. I couldn't understand why he would do that; I had only met him twice. He didn't even know me, all he knew was my name and age and a few things about me.
Lighting stuck, a second of light in the air, then suddenly the streetlight went out. I was left in darkness. I pulled my hood up over my head to make an attempt to stay slightly warmer. This is how is going to be, a kid faded away in the shadows of the street. No one cares enough to wonder if, or when I eat. No one gives a dam whether or not I roll over and die. No one cares.
I buried my head in my knees, trying to hold back the tears. But no matter how much I tried tears poured down my face. I had never cried like that before. I cried. Sat and cried. Tears poured out my eyes like a leaking tap.
Hundreds of people ushered by down the busy street. None of them even stoped to take a second look at me, little loan ask what was wrong. I've never felt so alone, So un-loved and I came from an orphanage. I was going to die out here. Stave to death, if not that I would certainly freeze. It was minus one degree.
A car drove by splashing me as it speed past. "Fuck you" I whispered. I pulled my sleeves down over my hands and slowly stood up. I turned into the crowd of people that rushed about making there way home after work. Rushing home to their families, wife, husband or children.
I made my way slowly down the street, to the less busy end of town. "Where to now?" I asked my self. Just two weeks ago I would never have imagined I would be here. Alone, hungry, cold and wet.
I wiped a tear from my face as I passed a restaurant. The smell of the rich expensive foods filled my lungs. It only made my stomach growl louder. I stood by the window, and watched for a bit. Watching the families eating away in side, in the warmth.
I leaned against the brick wall of the restaurant as I stared down the arcade. There was about five restaurants up there. The smells of the foods made my stomach grumble and ache, I don't think I had even been that hungry in my life. I was wasting away.
I sat down in a bench in the middle of the arcade outside the restaurant.
I thought for a bit. What was I going to do? Now that Mike had kicked me out on the street, and I had lost my base, how was I going to get food? How was I going to survive the freezing winters? Was I going to survive and if I did, why what would I be surviving for?
As I sat and asked myself over and over again, Billie, his wife Adie, Jakob and JOEY emerged from the restaurant that I was sitting out side.
I didn't notice him at first, and then I herd his voice. If it wasn't for him, I would in side, dry, and with a full stomach and a family.
Instantly I filled with rage. I forgot completely about my starving stomach pains, and my freezing bones. The rage built up inside me like a boiling balloon, ready to bust at the slightest touch.
"You." I snarled as he walked casually past. He jumped in shock when he saw me. I glared at him. He backed away; he was terrified of me I could tell by the look in his eyes. Maybe it was the look on my face, or the fact that he knew I was going to kill him.
"You, little prick." I was going my best not to right there and then, pounce on him and bash his fucked up face in. For what he did to me, he had it coming. I hadn't done anything to him, and he got me arrested. TWICE. And rewind my chances of ever having a family.
"Oh, dad, could we give some change to the hobo?" he asked innocently. Billie hadn't noticed it was me and handed some change to Joey. With out a second thought.
Joey bent down to give it to me, "you deserve what you get you scum bag orphan." He whispered evilly into my ear.
"Fuck you" I whispered back. It was getting incredibly hard not to knock his front teeth out there and then.
"Oh, and you kiss your mother with that mouth? Oh right you don't have one." He snapped back.
I snapped. The rage blew up in his face.
I punched him as hard as I could right in his face. Once wasn't enough. I hit him again and again. He hit attempted me back. I was to mad, angry and upset to even reacted to his punches. Although I was small, I was angry, and nothing beats anger. I hit him even harder, his noise began to bleed and a bruise instantly appeared on his face.
Billie jumped in and grabbed me into the air off his Joey. Still unaware it was me. It was too dark.
I kicked and struggled trying to get free. "What the fuck do you think you're doing to my son!" he yelled.
"He had it coming!" I screeched back still struggling to get free. Joey whimpered on the ground like the little girl he was. As Adie came to his side, she hugged him and kissed him on the cheek, to see a little brat like him get everything: a family, a big house, money, food, an education. It made me sick with hate.
"That's it I'm calling the police." Billie said as he held me in a headlock and pulled out his phone with his free hand. "No one hits my boy and gets away with it." He said as he dialled in 911.
The whole time I hadn't stopped struggling. But I was far too weak to get free. I was skin and bone, I had no mussel and very little energy (especially after I took it out on Joey).
"If I have my way, you'll be going to juvenile hall!" he exclaimed angrily.
Juvenile hall. Those words played my ears. 'As if things aren't bad enough' I thought angrily.
Billie let his guard down for a split second and I managed to make a break for it. I bolted for the other end of the arcade, I ran out into the pouring rain, and disappeared into the darkness of the freezing night.
I ran with out looking back until my skinny frail legs couldn't hold my weak body up. I stumbled and collapsed in a puddle on the side walk. I didn't get up. I tried to pull myself up, but my arms where to weak. I couldn't go on like this. I just couldn't.
Tears streamed from my eyes once again. From the pain, the pain of being so weak, and having my hopes and dreams torn up.
I didn't try to hide my tears. I didn't care any more. I laid in the puddle of muddy water shaking. My teeth stuttering, for the first time in my life I didn't care what happened to me. I wanted to die. I watched as millions of rain drops feel from the black night sky.
Eventually I crawled up against a fence near by where I had been laying. I pulled the photo out of my pocket. I stared at the picture of mike. My brother. Tears rolled down my face.
He was willing to let me into his house, to become apart of his family and all because of Joey, that wasn't going to happen.
As I sat and though I began to understand Joey, in a way that I saw straight through before. Joey didn't do it because of hatred, but because of love, love for his friend Estella.
I got in the way of that; I got in the way of everything. I had made a mess of everything.
Then suddenly it hit me. Like a ton of bricks it nearly made me pass out. I was being so selfish. "How could I be so selfish?" I aid to myself. I had completely forgotten about Estella, who was laying in intensive care, because of me. I didn't know if she was okay. I had to find out. In my eyes, it was my fault, no matter what any one else said. I know I didn't push her, but I didn't save her either. I had to know if she was okay, if she would live a normal life. Or live at all.
I dug deeper into my soaked pocket and pulled out a skewed up piece of paper and a pen. I straitened out the paper as best I could and began to write.
Dear, Mike, Estella and every one else.
I have a few things that have to be said. To all of you.
Mike, I'm sorry, is all I can say now. But I am sorry. I mean it with the deepest regrets in all my hart. I'm sorry I popped up in your life and in such a short time coursed such a big mess. I have nothing I could give you to make things right, this letter is all I can do. If there is anything else I could do, believe me I would do it at the drop of a hat. But for now an apology is all I can give you. Please forgive me, we are brothers as the saying goes blood is thicker than water but I can under stand perfectly why you chose your creation (Estella) over me.
Estella, I may not of pushed you, but I didn't save you either. For that I feel the greatest sorrow. I send my apologies to you I hope you get better real soon. I'm sorry, if moving you after your fall affected anything, but I can't count, and I couldn't call an ambulance for you. I will try to learn to count in the future, (as you can tell by this letter I have worked out the whole reading thing).
Until then all the very best for the future.
And to every one, I'm not going to point the finger, at anyone. But you know who you are and I'm not mad at you. You did what you did to protect your friend I guess.
In my defence though I would like to say this to all of you,
I'm not a bad kid; I admit I do bad things but I'm not a bad kid. I would of enjoyed getting to know you all, but we don't always get what we want.
But now I can't go on, so don't be expecting any more grief from me. I'll be out of your hair for good; this is the noblest thing I can do. So on this piece of paper I say my goodbyes and so long to every thing.
Good-bye, Ryan.
I signed the letter and sighed. I folded the piece of paper and tucked it in my pocket so it wouldn't get any more wet, and the ink wouldn't smudge.
This was the only way. I had said good-bye to my only family and now it was time to end it completely.
I pulled my self up using the fence, and hobbled down the dark street. In the direction of Mikes house, to deliver the letter.
When I arrived out front of his massive ' palace'. I stood there for a while and just looked. The rain continued to fall, as did the thunder pounded and lighting strikes.
I dug my hand into my pocket and fished around, then pulled out the folded letter.
I un folded it and read through it once again. A single tear feel from my eye and landed on the piece of paper. I folded it back up again, and shoved into Mike's letter box.
I crossed my arms and shivered. I rubbed my arms to get slightly warmer. I pulled up my hood and began to walk of into the darkness.
As I was passing the next-door neighbours house (Billie's), Mike ran out from his house. He had been watching me from his kitchen window. He ran out, instantly getting soaked from the rain.
What I had left to say to him was written on that letter. That was it. He grabbed the letter out of the letterbox and speed though it. I didn't hang around, nor did I run. I just continued walking.
Then Mike called out to me. "Ryan! Wait Ryan!" he yelled at the top of his voice. He had to yell that loud to be herd over the thunder.
"Ryan it doesn't have to end this way! Estella told me everything! She's awake she's okay!" he yelled in a desperate attempt to stop me. "She said you didn't push her! I Know that!"
That's what I wanted to hear, 'Estella okay'. It brought a slight smile to my face. But wasn't going to stop me, my mind was made up. I fucked up; now its time I paid the price.
"Ryan! Stop!" Mike called in a final attempted.
Mike stood by his letter box, dripping with water. He held the letter scrunched up in his hand. As he watched me disappear.
I just kept walking. Walking away from my only brother, my only chance of a family.
I walked with out stopping, or stoping to look back. I disappeared from Mike's vision into the darkness of that night. I vanished into the shadows. I walked alone, not even my own shadow walked beside me. This was the end... for me.
Mike called out for me one last time he called into the darkness. Only to get no reply. I was gone, vanished into the night.
