Past Memories, chapter 3
"Ah," I groaned. The soft blanket I had previously wrapped around me was quickly torn from my hands. The bitter cold air traveled like a freight train towards me. With my eyes still closed I felt around for the blanket. My hand touched the corner of the blanket and quickly grabbed it. As I was in the process of re-wrapping myself in its' warmth it was quickly pulled from me again.
"What the hell? Why I am I so cold?" I thought.
I slowly opened my eyes and was met with a pair of opened French doors that was swallowed by darkness. Oh that's why. Stupid me.
As my senses slowly awakened I realized I was not in my room. Where the hell am I?
Then it struck me in a flash. Oh shit. Now I was fully awake. I threw the comforter over my side. I sat up quickly but was met with a rush of nausea. Oh why the fuck, was I so stupid to drink that freaking much last night? I placed a hand on my head as if the room would stop spinning if I did so. No such luck.
"Ok," I told myself calmly, "just be quiet and find your clothes." My toes hit the warm rug, I was up and standing, so far so good. I quickly tip-toed around the room in search of my clothes. Once again I was met with bad fortune. "Grr, what the hell, they must be here somewhere." Then I remembered I threw them in the tub last night. I opened the bathroom door slowly but it made some noise. I glanced over at the sleeping lump in the bed for a few seconds. Ok, good, he didn't wake.
I spotted my clothes carelessly thrown in the tub. Figures, I am slob. My life is a mess. I walked over to the tub quickly as I could, because of the cold tiles.
I gently picked up my clothes. Great, still drenched in coffee. Perfect. Thank you, Billie. I rushed over and shut the door and threw my clothes on. Sticky clothes first thing in the morning, is not a good feeling.
I shut off the light and this time quickly opened the door so it wouldn't make sound.
I looked over at him. Why the hell was I so stupid? I walked over to him. He was shaking with cold. I drew the blanket over him.
I started at him for a few minutes. Just watching him sleep. I was tempted to place a hand on his cheek but decided against it. I couldn't. I would just hurt myself more. Screw it, too bad. I hesitantly placed my hand on his cheek. His face was so warm, his black hair tousled. He was gorgeous. I moved my hand over his cheek, gently caressing it.
He stirred slowly. Oh shit, now look what you have done. Before I could move my hand, his eyes fluttered open. He blinked a couple times before speaking. I was horrified I had awakened him.
"Anne?" he questioned. He blinked a few more times before he spoke again. "Why," I could tell he was having trouble finding the words and speaking because it was early for him. "What are you doing?" His tired face questioned me. Without another word, I quickly turned and headed for the door.
"Wa- wait!" he screamed after me. Now, he was fully awake. I slammed my hand down on the handle but it wouldn't open. Panic started rise in my chest. No... I could not be confronted. No. Not after I just did something like that. I couldn't let him get to me.
I heard a loud thud and spun around. Billie lay in a heap on the floor tangled in the sheets.
Good, he had bought me sometime to figure out why the door wasn't opening. In my head I tried not to think of all the things that would happen if Billie had reached me without him getting all tangled. I could see it in my head. But, No I don't want to think about that.
Be reasonable, I keep telling myself, think! Why isn't the door opening?
I turned around to find Billie starting to find his way out of his little mess. He was screaming my name behind me.
"Anne! What the hell? What the hell did I do? Anne don't leave! Freaking sheets, damn hangover. Anne!" he kept yelling behind me.
I couldn't take it, I knew he was getting close to coming out of his mess and he knew it too. He wanted to buy some time, thinking I would listen to him. Everyone would listen to him. He knows what kind of control he could have over people. Over the thousands of people at Milton Keynes, he thought I would stop and come back to him. He knew I was too strong for that. He knew I would not fall to weakness. He knew it and was pleading desperately.
At this point I was kicking the door. I looked down at the handle and realized it was locked. I quickly turned it, tears streaming out of my eyes because I could not deal with all of this.
The tears were blurring my vision. "Damn lock!" After hearing this Billie was getting frantic. He knew I was going to escape and he didn't want that to happen. Then all of a sudden something clicked in my head. I snapped. I was brought back to a place and I never wanted to go, back there.
"Anne get the hell back in here!" he snarled at me. I was only sixteen at the time. I was shaking and crying. Green Day was my escape. It was just a little before Warning came out. I would listen to them whenever I was sad or upset or just wanted to hide from the world.
"Anne! Get in here!" I was trying to open the locked door, but didn't realize it was locked.
"Someone! Anyone! Help me! Please!" I pleaded. I pounded on the door with my fists. It was my birthday. All the guests had left or so I thought. I had gotten Warning as a birthday present. My uncle had connections and got me the CD before it came out. I was so happy. I went up to my room and placed it in my CD player and started to listen to it.
It was on track two, when there was a knock on my door. What a coincidence it was named Blood, Sex and Booze. I guess my sister had sent up her boyfriend to check on me. I was fine but I just wanted to have sometime to myself, like any teenager. He knocked on the door and asked if I was alright. I didn't like him to begin with so I said yes with the door closed. He pleaded with me to let him in. I said no but he kept on bugging me about it. I finally gave in which was a big mistake.
When I opened the door I could tell he was drunk, he had had too much booze earlier. Hence the booze, the sex or rape would come and so the blood would too. I was listening to a song that told my future. What a coincident huh?
He shoved me against the wall. And I guess you can guess what came next. I'm not going to go in detail, because I'm sure you guys can figure it out. I tried to escape from him. But the door was locked.
"Anne! Are you ok? Anne? Can you hear me?" Billie was shaking me trying to get my out of my trance. I started to cry all over again but this time I was in Billie's arms. He knew, I told him last night, he understood. He knew he was my escape, and he was pretty damn cocky about it too. He was happy I turned to something powerful, his music, and it made him the proudest man in the world.
I sobbed into his shirt while he was trying to calm me down. Then I realized I had done what I didn't do. I escaped from his arms and ran out the door. He was so shocked, he stood there for a couple minutes trying to make sense of it all. I ran down the hallway my vision blurred from the tears. I accidental ran into some early risers. I had gotten into the elevator and pushed the lobby button. As the elevators were closing I could see Billie, trying to get dressed with the door open. He didn't care. Half the world has probably seen him naked anyways. The doors closed. As the elevator went down it made a noise each time.
I tapped my foot, impatient wanting to get out of Billie's life forever. To my relief to the doors finally opened. I threw myself into the lobby surprising people. They looked startled. I ran quickly to the doors of the hotel. The glass doors were heavy to push open, for me especially.
As I opened the doors I saw a few streetlamps swallowed in darkness. I walked down the steps of the hotel, my mind racing with a million thoughts and questions.
A cold wind blew, I wanted to go back to my own hotel to get a sweater, when I realized I left it in Billie's room. "Great what an idiot I am," I thought aloud.
After a few minutes of wandering aimlessly I could have sworn I heard my name being called. I stopped and listened, but nothing so I continued forward.
I had no idea where I was going but I didn't give a shit. I just wanted to be anywhere but here. I stopped to tie my shoe, after I had tripped over myself for the umpteenth time. As I bent down and took the laces in my hand, I heard my name again. Something inside of me told me to turn around. I did.
I saw Billie clothed in boxers and the same shirt I had been previously wearing last night. Fuck, why did he have to chase me? I should have known he would do something like that.
I stood up and started to run when I fell flat on my face as a result of not tying my shoe. Luckily, my face didn't hit the sidewalk first. I tried to stand up but hurt was I was doing so. I looked and the blood on my palms and wiped it on my pants.
I was about to start running again when he grabbed me. Shit, I had been caught. I was about to be confronted.
He spun me around by the shoulders, so that I was facing him. I stared at my shoes. His hands rubbed up and down my shoulders, trying to warm me up because I was crying and shivering.
"Anne," he slowly started, "why did you do that? Huh? Why?" I could tell he was trying not to cry. He was trying to be the strong one, for both of us.
He took his finger and placed it under my chin. He lifted up my face to meet his. His green eyes slowly started to fill with water. He ran his thumb down my cheek wiping the tears away.
"Why did you run away? Did last night mean nothing to you?" he choked out. I looked at him. I could tell he wanted the truth.
"Billie, it didn't mean anything to me. You were drunk, I was, and it was nothing." He looked angry and hurt. "It didn't mean a fucking thing to you?" He was starting to scream at me. It just made me cry harder. I didn't want to hurt him, but I had already hurt myself more than I could bear.
"No, Billie, it didn't. Please, just leave me alone." I tried to wiggle free, but he was too strong.
"No, Anne, no! I KNOW it meant something to you, I could see it in your eyes then and now, Dammit!" The man before me was pouring his heart and soul out to me, and he knew was right. It did mean the world to me, but I was too hurt to admit it.
"Billie, it did, ok? You happy? Huh?" By now we were both full of emotion and our emotions running rapidly through our words.
"Then why the hell did you run away?" I could not believe him. I just could not.
The anger was rising in my chest. Had this man not have a heart? "Billie for crying out loud you have a wife and two beautiful children who love you to death!" He cringed when I had said this.
"I love you," he whispered silently.
My heart dropped, I couldn't tell if he was just saying that or telling the truth. "Billie, what about Adrienne, YOUR LOVING WIFE! For god sakes Billie you are MARRIED!"
"So, that doesn't change my feelings for you!" he was getting angry at this point. I was getting angry he wasn't seeing my point.
"Billie Joe your wife loves you. You love her! What happened to 'Adrienne is the only woman I will ever love'?" You love her, you don't love me."
He look stricken with pain, I think I broke his heart. "But," he started to cry. I couldn't stand seeing him cry. I wish I could make all his pain go away, but I couldn't. "I love you. Don't tell me I don't because I do."
I shook my head. "Dammit it Billie, we can't be together, no matter how bad you want to or I. You love Adie with all your heart. You don't love me."
"I love her, and you. I wish this wasn't so hard, I wish I could have both of you and everyone would be happy." Now it was my turn to cry.
"Billie, please. You love her but not me. You don't you think you do, just because we had something special, one night Bill, just one. It means nothing. I wish I never met you."
"Anne," he put his hand on my face, "you don't mean that. Say you don't mean that!"
"I mean it Billie. I love you but I can't be with you so it was nothing." I started to walk away. He followed me.
"Anne, don't leave me. Please. I love you, stay!" He was running after me crying, we both were. I turned around to look at him.
"Billie," what I was about to say was the hardest thing I ever had to do in my life, "I don't want to see you ever again. I cause you and your family pain. Tell Adie I'm sorry and the boys. Tell her I didn't mean to be with you, tell her everything, she'll understand. Good bye, Billie Joe. I always love you even though I can't be with you." And with that I left him standing alone on the dark Paris street.
Thought I ran onto you down on the street
Then it turned out only to be a dream
I made a point to burn all of the photographs
She went away and took a different path
I can remember the face
But I can't recall the name
Now I wonder how Whatsername has been
Seems that she disappeared with out a trace
Did she ever marry old what's his face
I made a point to burn all of the photographs
She went away and then I took a different path
I remember the face
But I can't recall the name
Now I wonder how Whatsername has been
Remember, whatever
It seems like forever ago
Remember, whatever
It seems like forever ago
The regrets are useless
In my mind
She's in my head
I must confess
The regrets are useless
She's in my head
From so long ago
And in the darkest night
If my memory serves me right
I'll never turn back time
Forgetting you but not the time
That night I had become a person I hated the most.
"What the hell? Why I am I so cold?" I thought.
I slowly opened my eyes and was met with a pair of opened French doors that was swallowed by darkness. Oh that's why. Stupid me.
As my senses slowly awakened I realized I was not in my room. Where the hell am I?
Then it struck me in a flash. Oh shit. Now I was fully awake. I threw the comforter over my side. I sat up quickly but was met with a rush of nausea. Oh why the fuck, was I so stupid to drink that freaking much last night? I placed a hand on my head as if the room would stop spinning if I did so. No such luck.
"Ok," I told myself calmly, "just be quiet and find your clothes." My toes hit the warm rug, I was up and standing, so far so good. I quickly tip-toed around the room in search of my clothes. Once again I was met with bad fortune. "Grr, what the hell, they must be here somewhere." Then I remembered I threw them in the tub last night. I opened the bathroom door slowly but it made some noise. I glanced over at the sleeping lump in the bed for a few seconds. Ok, good, he didn't wake.
I spotted my clothes carelessly thrown in the tub. Figures, I am slob. My life is a mess. I walked over to the tub quickly as I could, because of the cold tiles.
I gently picked up my clothes. Great, still drenched in coffee. Perfect. Thank you, Billie. I rushed over and shut the door and threw my clothes on. Sticky clothes first thing in the morning, is not a good feeling.
I shut off the light and this time quickly opened the door so it wouldn't make sound.
I looked over at him. Why the hell was I so stupid? I walked over to him. He was shaking with cold. I drew the blanket over him.
I started at him for a few minutes. Just watching him sleep. I was tempted to place a hand on his cheek but decided against it. I couldn't. I would just hurt myself more. Screw it, too bad. I hesitantly placed my hand on his cheek. His face was so warm, his black hair tousled. He was gorgeous. I moved my hand over his cheek, gently caressing it.
He stirred slowly. Oh shit, now look what you have done. Before I could move my hand, his eyes fluttered open. He blinked a couple times before speaking. I was horrified I had awakened him.
"Anne?" he questioned. He blinked a few more times before he spoke again. "Why," I could tell he was having trouble finding the words and speaking because it was early for him. "What are you doing?" His tired face questioned me. Without another word, I quickly turned and headed for the door.
"Wa- wait!" he screamed after me. Now, he was fully awake. I slammed my hand down on the handle but it wouldn't open. Panic started rise in my chest. No... I could not be confronted. No. Not after I just did something like that. I couldn't let him get to me.
I heard a loud thud and spun around. Billie lay in a heap on the floor tangled in the sheets.
Good, he had bought me sometime to figure out why the door wasn't opening. In my head I tried not to think of all the things that would happen if Billie had reached me without him getting all tangled. I could see it in my head. But, No I don't want to think about that.
Be reasonable, I keep telling myself, think! Why isn't the door opening?
I turned around to find Billie starting to find his way out of his little mess. He was screaming my name behind me.
"Anne! What the hell? What the hell did I do? Anne don't leave! Freaking sheets, damn hangover. Anne!" he kept yelling behind me.
I couldn't take it, I knew he was getting close to coming out of his mess and he knew it too. He wanted to buy some time, thinking I would listen to him. Everyone would listen to him. He knows what kind of control he could have over people. Over the thousands of people at Milton Keynes, he thought I would stop and come back to him. He knew I was too strong for that. He knew I would not fall to weakness. He knew it and was pleading desperately.
At this point I was kicking the door. I looked down at the handle and realized it was locked. I quickly turned it, tears streaming out of my eyes because I could not deal with all of this.
The tears were blurring my vision. "Damn lock!" After hearing this Billie was getting frantic. He knew I was going to escape and he didn't want that to happen. Then all of a sudden something clicked in my head. I snapped. I was brought back to a place and I never wanted to go, back there.
"Anne get the hell back in here!" he snarled at me. I was only sixteen at the time. I was shaking and crying. Green Day was my escape. It was just a little before Warning came out. I would listen to them whenever I was sad or upset or just wanted to hide from the world.
"Anne! Get in here!" I was trying to open the locked door, but didn't realize it was locked.
"Someone! Anyone! Help me! Please!" I pleaded. I pounded on the door with my fists. It was my birthday. All the guests had left or so I thought. I had gotten Warning as a birthday present. My uncle had connections and got me the CD before it came out. I was so happy. I went up to my room and placed it in my CD player and started to listen to it.
It was on track two, when there was a knock on my door. What a coincidence it was named Blood, Sex and Booze. I guess my sister had sent up her boyfriend to check on me. I was fine but I just wanted to have sometime to myself, like any teenager. He knocked on the door and asked if I was alright. I didn't like him to begin with so I said yes with the door closed. He pleaded with me to let him in. I said no but he kept on bugging me about it. I finally gave in which was a big mistake.
When I opened the door I could tell he was drunk, he had had too much booze earlier. Hence the booze, the sex or rape would come and so the blood would too. I was listening to a song that told my future. What a coincident huh?
He shoved me against the wall. And I guess you can guess what came next. I'm not going to go in detail, because I'm sure you guys can figure it out. I tried to escape from him. But the door was locked.
"Anne! Are you ok? Anne? Can you hear me?" Billie was shaking me trying to get my out of my trance. I started to cry all over again but this time I was in Billie's arms. He knew, I told him last night, he understood. He knew he was my escape, and he was pretty damn cocky about it too. He was happy I turned to something powerful, his music, and it made him the proudest man in the world.
I sobbed into his shirt while he was trying to calm me down. Then I realized I had done what I didn't do. I escaped from his arms and ran out the door. He was so shocked, he stood there for a couple minutes trying to make sense of it all. I ran down the hallway my vision blurred from the tears. I accidental ran into some early risers. I had gotten into the elevator and pushed the lobby button. As the elevators were closing I could see Billie, trying to get dressed with the door open. He didn't care. Half the world has probably seen him naked anyways. The doors closed. As the elevator went down it made a noise each time.
I tapped my foot, impatient wanting to get out of Billie's life forever. To my relief to the doors finally opened. I threw myself into the lobby surprising people. They looked startled. I ran quickly to the doors of the hotel. The glass doors were heavy to push open, for me especially.
As I opened the doors I saw a few streetlamps swallowed in darkness. I walked down the steps of the hotel, my mind racing with a million thoughts and questions.
A cold wind blew, I wanted to go back to my own hotel to get a sweater, when I realized I left it in Billie's room. "Great what an idiot I am," I thought aloud.
After a few minutes of wandering aimlessly I could have sworn I heard my name being called. I stopped and listened, but nothing so I continued forward.
I had no idea where I was going but I didn't give a shit. I just wanted to be anywhere but here. I stopped to tie my shoe, after I had tripped over myself for the umpteenth time. As I bent down and took the laces in my hand, I heard my name again. Something inside of me told me to turn around. I did.
I saw Billie clothed in boxers and the same shirt I had been previously wearing last night. Fuck, why did he have to chase me? I should have known he would do something like that.
I stood up and started to run when I fell flat on my face as a result of not tying my shoe. Luckily, my face didn't hit the sidewalk first. I tried to stand up but hurt was I was doing so. I looked and the blood on my palms and wiped it on my pants.
I was about to start running again when he grabbed me. Shit, I had been caught. I was about to be confronted.
He spun me around by the shoulders, so that I was facing him. I stared at my shoes. His hands rubbed up and down my shoulders, trying to warm me up because I was crying and shivering.
"Anne," he slowly started, "why did you do that? Huh? Why?" I could tell he was trying not to cry. He was trying to be the strong one, for both of us.
He took his finger and placed it under my chin. He lifted up my face to meet his. His green eyes slowly started to fill with water. He ran his thumb down my cheek wiping the tears away.
"Why did you run away? Did last night mean nothing to you?" he choked out. I looked at him. I could tell he wanted the truth.
"Billie, it didn't mean anything to me. You were drunk, I was, and it was nothing." He looked angry and hurt. "It didn't mean a fucking thing to you?" He was starting to scream at me. It just made me cry harder. I didn't want to hurt him, but I had already hurt myself more than I could bear.
"No, Billie, it didn't. Please, just leave me alone." I tried to wiggle free, but he was too strong.
"No, Anne, no! I KNOW it meant something to you, I could see it in your eyes then and now, Dammit!" The man before me was pouring his heart and soul out to me, and he knew was right. It did mean the world to me, but I was too hurt to admit it.
"Billie, it did, ok? You happy? Huh?" By now we were both full of emotion and our emotions running rapidly through our words.
"Then why the hell did you run away?" I could not believe him. I just could not.
The anger was rising in my chest. Had this man not have a heart? "Billie for crying out loud you have a wife and two beautiful children who love you to death!" He cringed when I had said this.
"I love you," he whispered silently.
My heart dropped, I couldn't tell if he was just saying that or telling the truth. "Billie, what about Adrienne, YOUR LOVING WIFE! For god sakes Billie you are MARRIED!"
"So, that doesn't change my feelings for you!" he was getting angry at this point. I was getting angry he wasn't seeing my point.
"Billie Joe your wife loves you. You love her! What happened to 'Adrienne is the only woman I will ever love'?" You love her, you don't love me."
He look stricken with pain, I think I broke his heart. "But," he started to cry. I couldn't stand seeing him cry. I wish I could make all his pain go away, but I couldn't. "I love you. Don't tell me I don't because I do."
I shook my head. "Dammit it Billie, we can't be together, no matter how bad you want to or I. You love Adie with all your heart. You don't love me."
"I love her, and you. I wish this wasn't so hard, I wish I could have both of you and everyone would be happy." Now it was my turn to cry.
"Billie, please. You love her but not me. You don't you think you do, just because we had something special, one night Bill, just one. It means nothing. I wish I never met you."
"Anne," he put his hand on my face, "you don't mean that. Say you don't mean that!"
"I mean it Billie. I love you but I can't be with you so it was nothing." I started to walk away. He followed me.
"Anne, don't leave me. Please. I love you, stay!" He was running after me crying, we both were. I turned around to look at him.
"Billie," what I was about to say was the hardest thing I ever had to do in my life, "I don't want to see you ever again. I cause you and your family pain. Tell Adie I'm sorry and the boys. Tell her I didn't mean to be with you, tell her everything, she'll understand. Good bye, Billie Joe. I always love you even though I can't be with you." And with that I left him standing alone on the dark Paris street.
Thought I ran onto you down on the street
Then it turned out only to be a dream
I made a point to burn all of the photographs
She went away and took a different path
I can remember the face
But I can't recall the name
Now I wonder how Whatsername has been
Seems that she disappeared with out a trace
Did she ever marry old what's his face
I made a point to burn all of the photographs
She went away and then I took a different path
I remember the face
But I can't recall the name
Now I wonder how Whatsername has been
Remember, whatever
It seems like forever ago
Remember, whatever
It seems like forever ago
The regrets are useless
In my mind
She's in my head
I must confess
The regrets are useless
She's in my head
From so long ago
And in the darkest night
If my memory serves me right
I'll never turn back time
Forgetting you but not the time
That night I had become a person I hated the most.
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