Dancing On Thorns, chapter 5

"Tina!" This time, Nikki really looked happy and surprised to see me.

"Hey Nik," I beamed and went to give her a hug.

She still looked ill and exhausted, but a glimpse of brightness and hope had lit up her eyes.

"How's it going?" I asked.

Nikki moaned, and the ill part of her showed up again. "Not very well... you know..." she mumbled.

Her face was unhealthily pale, which made her eyes look incredibly big and clear.

"I'm not sure I'll make it," she added, shrugging her shoulders.

"Nik," I sighed and placed my bag on a stool. "Don't be afraid of anything. Of course you'll make it!"

"The thing is... I'm not scared," she replied slowly and pensively.

My look met her in a confused expression. But her eyes were steady and honest. "I want to die, Tina. I want to."

I gasped and sat, or fell, back down on a chair. I gazed at the wall infront of me, and its awful color.

"No... that's just something you say. When we're out of here, you'll be full of will to live and hope, and we'll..." I lowered my voice to a whisper. Tears had started to fall out of Nikki's eyes.

"Look, this is really the truth. I really don't want to live anymore," She stated it as the most certain thing in the world. I was surprised of her voice being so steady.

"If you die," I mumbled into my fist. "I would kill myself. Commit suicide. If you die, I die."

First, Nikki was all calm, staring at me with those ocean blue eyes. Then, she gave me a little grin.

"Now, that is just something you say. Don't do it."

I turned my head away from her. I wanted to cry, but not to show her my fears.
Should I or shouldn't I?

"It's easy to say... but it's just words, Tina," she said behind my back.

I clenched my teeth. If she only knew how much that hurt me.

"I promised," I mumbled and turned around to give her a meaning glance.

"Why would you promise me such things?" Nikki snorted. "Do you really think I would like you to die?"

She's got a point there, I thought. I shook my head to answer her question.

"Hey, sit down here." Nikki's pale hand made a gesture to the end of the bed.
Slowly, I made my way there, as requested. It was a really uncomfortable bed.
"If I die..." she began and checked if I had registered the information. "...You're not going to kill yourself."

I grabbed her hand and poked the plastic hospital bracelet around her wrist. I felt how cold she was. She was sick. She had cancer. And she was dying.

"You can't die!" I heard myself yell loudly. "You can't!"

Nikki sighed and shrugged again. "We can't decide." She wiped away a tear. "I don't mind about it. All I'm going to miss is you. If you want the best for me... please just let me go."

"Don't say so!"

Nikki stared at me. Her glance penetrated me with cool runnings. "Do you love me, Tina?" She raised her thin eyebrows.

"Yes, yes I do", I nodded assuring and eagerly.

"Then you have to understand. If I survive, okay, alright. I guess I'm fine with it. But you, Tina, you have life up ahead. You're not going to die." She dropped her voice to a whisper. "My last wish, would be that you get a fantastic life. You'll see the world. You can... see the sun rise in the morning, feel the smell of summer, you can get married, have beautiful children and..."

"Nikki." I held up a hand to silent her. "You have all these abilities too. You're still young."

"But I have cancer. I can't see the sun rise, no matter how I hard I try."

Something I never thought would happen happened. All of a sudden.
I put my hand on her sholder and saw her surprised eyes three centimetres from mine. So beautiful eyes. They were so deep and thoughtful, and wise. Her skin was white as milk, with the eyebrows fading away. Surprising myself, I kissed her softly.

With my pulse speeding, dizzy mind and shocked eyes, I tottered backwards.

"S-s...sorry!" was all that my throat would cough up.

Nikki gazed at me. She wasn't mad, she rather looked happy.

"Nik, I'm so sorry, I don't know what... what I'm... doing..."

She shook her head. "Don't you apologize," she smiled.

"Well mabe... maybe I should go..." I grabbed my bag. "See you tomorrow Nik. Bye."

Quickly, I shut the door with a big boom and rushed away from problems. I had kissed Nikki and she didn't mind.

I couldn't get my hearbeat down. I tried to analyze my feelings.
Why did I do that?

I hopped on my bike, speeded homewards way too fast.
Holy hell... I'm not like... like what I used to be... I felt pathetic, with all those feelings mixing up inside of me.

The wheel spattered up a mass of mud on the back of my head. Dad was right. I should have used those mudguards.

Rain had started dripping from the grey sky and covered everyone outside with a depressed expression.

I skidded into our garden and ditched the bike in the wet gress. Right now I didn't care about it at all. And the red varnish was close to worn out anyway.

"Hey Moose," I shouted, kicking off my old, torn trainers, and got an absent "hmm"-ish sound from the living room.

Video game nerds, I thought and smiled.

"I'm in my room if anyone would be interested."

I had to be alone now, try to keep myself alive and don't collapse.

Goddamn world. Goddamn love. Goddamn, fucking world.