Whatsername- A One Shot Song Fic, chapter 1
Thought I ran into you down on the street,
But it turned out to only be a dream
"I'm really sorry!" I said to the woman as she wiped the remains of my latte off her grey Ramones t-shirt. She looked up at me through her thick black fringe. Her eyes were so warm, so familiar. Placing her coffee soaked tissues into a nearby bin, she pushed her hair out of her face. She then looked up at me, with a face so familiar I almost gasped. She smiled, and then returned to mopping her shirt. "Sam?" I questioned, lowering my sunglasses from my eyes.
She looked at me again. "Excuse me?" she asked, her face wrinkling up in confusion. That was when I saw the differences. The differences that could only matter to me.
I didn't see the freckle that usually resided on your nose. I didn't see the scar that highlighted your forehead. I realised it wasn't you. I apologized to the girl, reaching for my wallet. I withdrew a twenty dollar note for the dry-cleaning. Giving it to her, re-adjusted my glasses and hurried away, still reeling in shock from what I thought I'd seen.
I made a point to burn all the photographs
She went away and I took a different path
My nose was filled with the scent of smoke and burning paper. Dancing in front my eyes were the visions of our captured memories disintegrating as the flames licked at their edges. I could feel parts of me disappearing as each photo turned to ash in front of me.
I felt a hand creep onto my shoulder as Billie Joe approached me, taking in the sight before him. "You sure you're doing the right thing?" he asked me, the reflection of the flames glinting in his dark eyes.
I sighed. My head was telling me to continue with this, to push you out of my life. My heart was telling me to call you, to let you know you're the only one for me, the one I wanted to laugh with, the one I wanted to wake up to every morning.
"No," I said, shaking my head slightly. "Not at all."
[u]Flashback- 6 Months Ago[/u]
I placed the phone back on the cradle, staring at it intently, willing it to ring again, willing it to be you, saying it was a mistake. But I knew it wouldn't happen. I knew you had made up your mind. You were saying no, you were leaving.
"Dude... ?" I heard Tre call my name. His voice was oddly distant, as though it was coming from through a mist. I closed my eyes, hoping it would prevent what I knew was going to come.
"She's gone." I said, hearing my voice crack as I felt warm tears spring to my eyes. "She's really gone." He came over and placed a comforting arm around my shoulders. I shrugged it off. "I can't believe I was so stupid!" I whispered. "Why did I throw the last two years of my life away Tre? Why did I lose the best thing that's ever happened to me? All for the fucking drugs!" I shoved the back of the chair, slamming it into the table. Sitting down, I sighed through my nose, my head collapsing into my hands.
"What do you mean?" he asked me, sitting on a chair, his chest resting on the back of it.
"I promised her I wouldn't do them anymore, but I gave into them, and she found the stash in my bathroom. I gave up a two year relationship for a nine hour pill."
[u]End Flashback[/u]
I gazed at the flames, watching them destroy all the evidence of the past two years and of our time together.
"Billie," I said, not looking at him. "I'm going to take you up on that offer. Bring on the record deal."
Seems she disappeared without a trace.
Did she marry old whatshisface?
I leaned against the wall listening to the dial tone of the phone. I had hoped that you would answer, that you hadn't changed your number. I straightened up as I heard a voice answer. My heart sank as I realised it wasn't you.
I called the operator, trying to access your number. "I'm sorry." Were the words she said. "We have no record for that name in our system." I felt my hopes subside. My chances of finding you were slimmer than finding a horse who couldn't gallop.
I browsed through the phonebooks, trying to get a clue as to where you were. I spent an hour checking and double checking the lists, but I never saw your name. It was like you had never existed.
I remember Adie mentioning that you had started to see someone else. You had remained friends with her, though she only had limited details. The news of this is what drove me to stronger reliance on the bottle. I needed it to get through the day. I needed it to help me forget, to help me numb the pain.
I wonder if you kept seeing him, I wonder if he made you happy. I wonder if you loved him. I wonder if you married him.
I remember the face, but I can't recall the name.
I wonder how whatsername has been.
I still see your face at night, when I'm alone. Now it is one of the little things I allow myself to remember about you. I've forced myself to forget your name, because that is what brings back the most pain. I'm fine with the images. I'm fine with the memories. I'm not O.K with the names, because the names are what really mean something. The face is what I'll never forget. The face is imprinted in my mind forever.
I wonder what your life turned out to be like. I wonder if you reached your dreams, or if you still hate peas. I wonder if you still work at the diner. I wonder if you're OK.
Remember, whatever
It seems like forever ago
The regrets are useless in my mind
She's in my head
I stare intently at my bass, plucking the chords to 'Longview' as Billie began to sing. The song makes me envision your face, the way you would always laugh at the way I would always make the same mistake over and over again. It used to make me ache for you, but now I just cling to the memory, like a child to a stuffed animal. Now the memory seems like it took place in a previous lifetime.
I cling to the memories, but there is no need. You're always there. I used to reminisce over the times, I still do on occasion. I reflect on the happier times of our era together, instead of the thoughts of what could have been.
Regretting it wont help. It only fuels self pity and self loathing. I don't need it. I need to be happy again.
From so long ago and in the darkest night,
If mu memory serves me right,
I'll never turn back time
[u]Flashback- 18 Months Ago[/u]
"Mike," I heard you whisper. I rolled onto my back and stared at you. You looked so beautiful, do perfect, though it was 3a.m.
"Yeah?" I whispered back, my thumb gently tracing the outline of your mouth.
Then you said three words that still haunt me. "I love you." Were the uttered words.
I had no doubt when I answered. "I love you too."
[u]End Flashback[/u]
Now that memory seems ancient, and almost like a piece of imagined fantasy. I have a feeling it never happened, yet I know it did.
Let me return to the time when we were happy together. It was so long ago, yet so recent in my mind. It is something that will be treasured forever, like a precious artefact in a museum.
Forgetting you, but not the time
"... She will be remembered by all, missed by all and will go on forever in our hearts."
I stared at the ground numbly as I saw the coffin being lowered into the ground. I couldn't believe you were gone. I couldn't believe there was no chance of ever seeing you again.
I felt a warm hand wrap around mine. It was Adie's. She and Billie had come to be with me, to try and give me solstice in my grief. Adie was the one who told me you had given up. The one who told me you had given in to the depression and let it win.
She told me you had given up. The one who told me you were... dead.
She was the one who had told me what your suicide note had said.
"... And finally, I want someone to find Mike. Invite him to the funeral. Tell him I always loved him and forever regretted my decision to end things with him. He was the best thing that ever happened to me and I never forgot him."
That was the note that set me back, the note that sent me into a spiral of renewed depression. I couldn't move on after that note. I needed to say goodbye before I could let my life return to a somewhat normal routine.
"Promise me Mike. Promise you'll never change." The words from the memory fluttered in my mind. I could hear them being spoken. "I promise." I murmured into your hair. "I promise you I'll never change."
"Goodbye Sam." I whispered. I turned and walked away. From your grave and from everything that had happened. It was time to start a new chapter in my life.
I can finally move on. This chapter in my life has been finished. The pen has been laid down. You will be forgotten in my mind, but our times together will forever live on in my heart.
Goodbye...
But it turned out to only be a dream
"I'm really sorry!" I said to the woman as she wiped the remains of my latte off her grey Ramones t-shirt. She looked up at me through her thick black fringe. Her eyes were so warm, so familiar. Placing her coffee soaked tissues into a nearby bin, she pushed her hair out of her face. She then looked up at me, with a face so familiar I almost gasped. She smiled, and then returned to mopping her shirt. "Sam?" I questioned, lowering my sunglasses from my eyes.
She looked at me again. "Excuse me?" she asked, her face wrinkling up in confusion. That was when I saw the differences. The differences that could only matter to me.
I didn't see the freckle that usually resided on your nose. I didn't see the scar that highlighted your forehead. I realised it wasn't you. I apologized to the girl, reaching for my wallet. I withdrew a twenty dollar note for the dry-cleaning. Giving it to her, re-adjusted my glasses and hurried away, still reeling in shock from what I thought I'd seen.
I made a point to burn all the photographs
She went away and I took a different path
My nose was filled with the scent of smoke and burning paper. Dancing in front my eyes were the visions of our captured memories disintegrating as the flames licked at their edges. I could feel parts of me disappearing as each photo turned to ash in front of me.
I felt a hand creep onto my shoulder as Billie Joe approached me, taking in the sight before him. "You sure you're doing the right thing?" he asked me, the reflection of the flames glinting in his dark eyes.
I sighed. My head was telling me to continue with this, to push you out of my life. My heart was telling me to call you, to let you know you're the only one for me, the one I wanted to laugh with, the one I wanted to wake up to every morning.
"No," I said, shaking my head slightly. "Not at all."
[u]Flashback- 6 Months Ago[/u]
I placed the phone back on the cradle, staring at it intently, willing it to ring again, willing it to be you, saying it was a mistake. But I knew it wouldn't happen. I knew you had made up your mind. You were saying no, you were leaving.
"Dude... ?" I heard Tre call my name. His voice was oddly distant, as though it was coming from through a mist. I closed my eyes, hoping it would prevent what I knew was going to come.
"She's gone." I said, hearing my voice crack as I felt warm tears spring to my eyes. "She's really gone." He came over and placed a comforting arm around my shoulders. I shrugged it off. "I can't believe I was so stupid!" I whispered. "Why did I throw the last two years of my life away Tre? Why did I lose the best thing that's ever happened to me? All for the fucking drugs!" I shoved the back of the chair, slamming it into the table. Sitting down, I sighed through my nose, my head collapsing into my hands.
"What do you mean?" he asked me, sitting on a chair, his chest resting on the back of it.
"I promised her I wouldn't do them anymore, but I gave into them, and she found the stash in my bathroom. I gave up a two year relationship for a nine hour pill."
[u]End Flashback[/u]
I gazed at the flames, watching them destroy all the evidence of the past two years and of our time together.
"Billie," I said, not looking at him. "I'm going to take you up on that offer. Bring on the record deal."
Seems she disappeared without a trace.
Did she marry old whatshisface?
I leaned against the wall listening to the dial tone of the phone. I had hoped that you would answer, that you hadn't changed your number. I straightened up as I heard a voice answer. My heart sank as I realised it wasn't you.
I called the operator, trying to access your number. "I'm sorry." Were the words she said. "We have no record for that name in our system." I felt my hopes subside. My chances of finding you were slimmer than finding a horse who couldn't gallop.
I browsed through the phonebooks, trying to get a clue as to where you were. I spent an hour checking and double checking the lists, but I never saw your name. It was like you had never existed.
I remember Adie mentioning that you had started to see someone else. You had remained friends with her, though she only had limited details. The news of this is what drove me to stronger reliance on the bottle. I needed it to get through the day. I needed it to help me forget, to help me numb the pain.
I wonder if you kept seeing him, I wonder if he made you happy. I wonder if you loved him. I wonder if you married him.
I remember the face, but I can't recall the name.
I wonder how whatsername has been.
I still see your face at night, when I'm alone. Now it is one of the little things I allow myself to remember about you. I've forced myself to forget your name, because that is what brings back the most pain. I'm fine with the images. I'm fine with the memories. I'm not O.K with the names, because the names are what really mean something. The face is what I'll never forget. The face is imprinted in my mind forever.
I wonder what your life turned out to be like. I wonder if you reached your dreams, or if you still hate peas. I wonder if you still work at the diner. I wonder if you're OK.
Remember, whatever
It seems like forever ago
The regrets are useless in my mind
She's in my head
I stare intently at my bass, plucking the chords to 'Longview' as Billie began to sing. The song makes me envision your face, the way you would always laugh at the way I would always make the same mistake over and over again. It used to make me ache for you, but now I just cling to the memory, like a child to a stuffed animal. Now the memory seems like it took place in a previous lifetime.
I cling to the memories, but there is no need. You're always there. I used to reminisce over the times, I still do on occasion. I reflect on the happier times of our era together, instead of the thoughts of what could have been.
Regretting it wont help. It only fuels self pity and self loathing. I don't need it. I need to be happy again.
From so long ago and in the darkest night,
If mu memory serves me right,
I'll never turn back time
[u]Flashback- 18 Months Ago[/u]
"Mike," I heard you whisper. I rolled onto my back and stared at you. You looked so beautiful, do perfect, though it was 3a.m.
"Yeah?" I whispered back, my thumb gently tracing the outline of your mouth.
Then you said three words that still haunt me. "I love you." Were the uttered words.
I had no doubt when I answered. "I love you too."
[u]End Flashback[/u]
Now that memory seems ancient, and almost like a piece of imagined fantasy. I have a feeling it never happened, yet I know it did.
Let me return to the time when we were happy together. It was so long ago, yet so recent in my mind. It is something that will be treasured forever, like a precious artefact in a museum.
Forgetting you, but not the time
"... She will be remembered by all, missed by all and will go on forever in our hearts."
I stared at the ground numbly as I saw the coffin being lowered into the ground. I couldn't believe you were gone. I couldn't believe there was no chance of ever seeing you again.
I felt a warm hand wrap around mine. It was Adie's. She and Billie had come to be with me, to try and give me solstice in my grief. Adie was the one who told me you had given up. The one who told me you had given in to the depression and let it win.
She told me you had given up. The one who told me you were... dead.
She was the one who had told me what your suicide note had said.
"... And finally, I want someone to find Mike. Invite him to the funeral. Tell him I always loved him and forever regretted my decision to end things with him. He was the best thing that ever happened to me and I never forgot him."
That was the note that set me back, the note that sent me into a spiral of renewed depression. I couldn't move on after that note. I needed to say goodbye before I could let my life return to a somewhat normal routine.
"Promise me Mike. Promise you'll never change." The words from the memory fluttered in my mind. I could hear them being spoken. "I promise." I murmured into your hair. "I promise you I'll never change."
"Goodbye Sam." I whispered. I turned and walked away. From your grave and from everything that had happened. It was time to start a new chapter in my life.
I can finally move on. This chapter in my life has been finished. The pen has been laid down. You will be forgotten in my mind, but our times together will forever live on in my heart.
Goodbye...
