Bleeding Hearts, chapter 2
I woke up in my bed. I stood up and walked over to my wardrobe. I opened it and screamed as I saw Billie Joe, Mike and Tre staring back at me.
It was only a poster. My heart slowed back down and I got out some clothes. That poster freaked the living shit out of me every single day. It had been up there for the past 9 years, ever since I came here but I never got used to it.
I shoved on some black jeans and black converse. I pulled on an Iron Maiden T-shirt and some checked red and black wristbands to cover my *cough * scars *cough *. Ok. I admit it. I am a self-harmer. My mum said she would always look over me and guide me through the sorrow and misery but sometimes I felt as if she wasn't there. And that was when I cut. I didn't want to but it was addictive. And I see my mum in my dreams and she tells me that she still loves me even though I am doing it.
I tied my hair up into a ponytail and layered on as much eyeliner and mascara as I could. I painted some black nail varnish onto my fingernails and was ready. I left my room and walked down the corridor of the children's home. Just as I walked through the door into the main hall I was attacked from behind. I screamed and fell onto the floor. I looked up and saw a boy called Jack leaning over me.
"HEY JAN!" He yelled into my ear.
I stood up. A look of anger on my face. I started to walk off but turned around and yelled. "ORANGE MOCHA FRAPPUCINO!" Right in his face.
He rolled his eyes. "Stop pretending to be Tre cool." He growled. I always quoted Tre and it drove Jack mad. He didn't hate Green Day but I played it so much and he got a bit tired of them after awhile.
"I'm sorry jack. But I just can't do that. ROLL ROLL ROLL THE JOINT
TWIST IT AT THE ENDS.
LIGHT IT UP
AND TAKE A PUFF
AND PASS IT TO YOUR FRIENDS!" I yelled this as I wandered out of the room and into the kitchen with Jack following me.
"Jesus." He whispered. He rolled his eyes again and looked at me. I had got a doughnut out of the fridge and was inspecting its sprinkles. He knew what I was about to say and covered his ears. "La la la la la. I'M NOT LISTENING!"
I smiled and walked over to him. I pulled his hands off his ears. "I snort... Doughnut... Sprinkles."
His body tensed. We were friends but I knew exactly how to piss him of. "Oh... And don't get me wrong." I walked over to the fringe again and took out a lettuce. "Not all liberals smoke lettuce."
He jumped up into the air and started hitting me on the head. I laughed loudly and threw the lettuce at him.
He pinned me to the floor and held me there. He had such gorgeous eyes. They weren't like anyone else's eyes. They where so many different colors it as hard to describe. It was as if some one had splattered them with paint. Both eyes where different as well. One of them was mostly brown and the other was a sort of yellowy colour but had other colors layered on top. He looked into my eyes and smiled. He was the same age as me and we had arrived at the home around the same time so we had known each other for years. He leaned in and was only a couple of inches away from my face. We closed our eyes and tilted our head to the side. Our lips were about to touch when he said this. "Happy birthday."
My mind felt as if it had exploded. It was my thirteenth birthday today. "FUCK!" I pushed him off and ran out of the room. One of the care workers was standing there.
"JANET MAY! Don't run and don't swear." She shook her head at me. I hated it when people used my full name. And I hated my last name to.
I kept on running. "This is fucking important." I charged through the door and almost ran into a girl called Daisy but narrowly missed her. I came to the door labeled 'JAN' and pushed it open. I stepped over to my desk and opened it. I shoved all of my songs, diaries and all the other junk I had out of the way and there was the letter from my mum, buried beneath it all. I picked it up and went over to the door. I locked it and went to sit on my bed. I held the letter up to my face; it still smelt faintly of my mum. I carefully unstuck the paper and took out what was inside. It was a photo. There was a picture of her and me when she had just had me. She was sitting in the hospital bed and was looking down at me adoringly. For about half a minuet I stayed looking at her together and me. It bought back such good memories. But then I noticed someone else. She (my mum) was holding me with both her hands showing on top of me. Her beautiful black nails stroking my skin slightly. But there was another hand in the picture. My head was resting on this hand but the photo cut off the face of this person. The hand looked like a mans, but I had no idea who's. I flipped over the photo and on the back there was a message.
'Jan,
I have been watching you like I said I would. I have watched you grow up into a young lady. You may have doubted I was really there all this time, but I was. Trust me I was. The hand in the photo is of someone you do not know in person but have heard of and talked about many times. It is the hand of you father. He was there on you birth but could not stay with us. He has his own life and his career is thriving and he does not have time for you. But you are old enough now to know. He wanted to look after you but it was ME who told him not to. I didn't want you growing up in those conditions. But now you are old enough to make your own decisions in life I think you can go live with him. If you do not want to you do not have to. That is why I am not telling you who he is in this letter. I do not want to sway your decision by the fact of who he is. Make your own mind up and if you think you do then go to Rudy's can't fail tonight. He will be there to greet you.
All I want you to know is that I will be with you for the rest of your life. No matter what happens.
Mum. '
I sat there with my mouth open. I didn't know what to think. It was my dad. I could meet him. There where only a few things that confused me in the letter. The first one was that she said I talk about him a lot. But I don't. I never mention my dad. The next one was that she said she didn't want me growing up in 'those conditions'. What in the hell did that mean? And the last thing that really confused me was that she didn't want to 'sway my decision' by telling me who it was. That didn't make sense. Why would it 'sway my decision'? I sat there and thought. I did want to go to the café and meet him. It would be nice to be able to get out of this place and start my own life. I would go. I flipped over to the photo and stared at it. I looked at the arm. It had a tattoo on it but I couldn't see what of. I heard a knock at the door. "Come on Jan. School time. Oh so fun." Came Jacks sarcastic voice.
I placed the photo in my pocket and walked out of the door.
It was only a poster. My heart slowed back down and I got out some clothes. That poster freaked the living shit out of me every single day. It had been up there for the past 9 years, ever since I came here but I never got used to it.
I shoved on some black jeans and black converse. I pulled on an Iron Maiden T-shirt and some checked red and black wristbands to cover my *cough * scars *cough *. Ok. I admit it. I am a self-harmer. My mum said she would always look over me and guide me through the sorrow and misery but sometimes I felt as if she wasn't there. And that was when I cut. I didn't want to but it was addictive. And I see my mum in my dreams and she tells me that she still loves me even though I am doing it.
I tied my hair up into a ponytail and layered on as much eyeliner and mascara as I could. I painted some black nail varnish onto my fingernails and was ready. I left my room and walked down the corridor of the children's home. Just as I walked through the door into the main hall I was attacked from behind. I screamed and fell onto the floor. I looked up and saw a boy called Jack leaning over me.
"HEY JAN!" He yelled into my ear.
I stood up. A look of anger on my face. I started to walk off but turned around and yelled. "ORANGE MOCHA FRAPPUCINO!" Right in his face.
He rolled his eyes. "Stop pretending to be Tre cool." He growled. I always quoted Tre and it drove Jack mad. He didn't hate Green Day but I played it so much and he got a bit tired of them after awhile.
"I'm sorry jack. But I just can't do that. ROLL ROLL ROLL THE JOINT
TWIST IT AT THE ENDS.
LIGHT IT UP
AND TAKE A PUFF
AND PASS IT TO YOUR FRIENDS!" I yelled this as I wandered out of the room and into the kitchen with Jack following me.
"Jesus." He whispered. He rolled his eyes again and looked at me. I had got a doughnut out of the fridge and was inspecting its sprinkles. He knew what I was about to say and covered his ears. "La la la la la. I'M NOT LISTENING!"
I smiled and walked over to him. I pulled his hands off his ears. "I snort... Doughnut... Sprinkles."
His body tensed. We were friends but I knew exactly how to piss him of. "Oh... And don't get me wrong." I walked over to the fringe again and took out a lettuce. "Not all liberals smoke lettuce."
He jumped up into the air and started hitting me on the head. I laughed loudly and threw the lettuce at him.
He pinned me to the floor and held me there. He had such gorgeous eyes. They weren't like anyone else's eyes. They where so many different colors it as hard to describe. It was as if some one had splattered them with paint. Both eyes where different as well. One of them was mostly brown and the other was a sort of yellowy colour but had other colors layered on top. He looked into my eyes and smiled. He was the same age as me and we had arrived at the home around the same time so we had known each other for years. He leaned in and was only a couple of inches away from my face. We closed our eyes and tilted our head to the side. Our lips were about to touch when he said this. "Happy birthday."
My mind felt as if it had exploded. It was my thirteenth birthday today. "FUCK!" I pushed him off and ran out of the room. One of the care workers was standing there.
"JANET MAY! Don't run and don't swear." She shook her head at me. I hated it when people used my full name. And I hated my last name to.
I kept on running. "This is fucking important." I charged through the door and almost ran into a girl called Daisy but narrowly missed her. I came to the door labeled 'JAN' and pushed it open. I stepped over to my desk and opened it. I shoved all of my songs, diaries and all the other junk I had out of the way and there was the letter from my mum, buried beneath it all. I picked it up and went over to the door. I locked it and went to sit on my bed. I held the letter up to my face; it still smelt faintly of my mum. I carefully unstuck the paper and took out what was inside. It was a photo. There was a picture of her and me when she had just had me. She was sitting in the hospital bed and was looking down at me adoringly. For about half a minuet I stayed looking at her together and me. It bought back such good memories. But then I noticed someone else. She (my mum) was holding me with both her hands showing on top of me. Her beautiful black nails stroking my skin slightly. But there was another hand in the picture. My head was resting on this hand but the photo cut off the face of this person. The hand looked like a mans, but I had no idea who's. I flipped over the photo and on the back there was a message.
'Jan,
I have been watching you like I said I would. I have watched you grow up into a young lady. You may have doubted I was really there all this time, but I was. Trust me I was. The hand in the photo is of someone you do not know in person but have heard of and talked about many times. It is the hand of you father. He was there on you birth but could not stay with us. He has his own life and his career is thriving and he does not have time for you. But you are old enough now to know. He wanted to look after you but it was ME who told him not to. I didn't want you growing up in those conditions. But now you are old enough to make your own decisions in life I think you can go live with him. If you do not want to you do not have to. That is why I am not telling you who he is in this letter. I do not want to sway your decision by the fact of who he is. Make your own mind up and if you think you do then go to Rudy's can't fail tonight. He will be there to greet you.
All I want you to know is that I will be with you for the rest of your life. No matter what happens.
Mum. '
I sat there with my mouth open. I didn't know what to think. It was my dad. I could meet him. There where only a few things that confused me in the letter. The first one was that she said I talk about him a lot. But I don't. I never mention my dad. The next one was that she said she didn't want me growing up in 'those conditions'. What in the hell did that mean? And the last thing that really confused me was that she didn't want to 'sway my decision' by telling me who it was. That didn't make sense. Why would it 'sway my decision'? I sat there and thought. I did want to go to the café and meet him. It would be nice to be able to get out of this place and start my own life. I would go. I flipped over to the photo and stared at it. I looked at the arm. It had a tattoo on it but I couldn't see what of. I heard a knock at the door. "Come on Jan. School time. Oh so fun." Came Jacks sarcastic voice.
I placed the photo in my pocket and walked out of the door.
