Bleeding Hearts, chapter 5
"What are you doing?" He asked me.
Oh my god. What should I tell him? It didn't seem right to lie to him. But it didn't seem rite to tell him what I was actually doing either.
"Um..." I couldn't think of more to say.
A girl appeared at his shoulder. She looked around 11. "My dear god," She said as she saw my scars. "Our sister is a self harmer. Jesus. You people are so stupid. I really wish we could of met for the first time under different circumstances. But it seems that that is not possible anymore." The girl spoke quite clearly and with very little emotion. It was actually quite scary. But then she lightened up a bit. She held her hand out for me to shake. "I'm Ramona by the way. And this is Frankie." She patted the boy on the back of the head gently.
I smiled. "Hey. I'm Jan."
Ramona nodded. "I know. Dad told us. He also told us about what happened to your mum. I'm sorry about that. I really am."
I smiled very slightly but my face was mainly filled with sorrow. "Thanks. So... Who is your dad? Well...OUR dad?"
Ramona shook her head. "We can't say. He wants to tell you it all himself."
I rolled my eyes. I looked down to notice I still had the knife in my hand. I quickly put it down and sat at the table. I started singing to my self. "Roll roll roll the joint.
Twist it at the end, Light it up, Take a puff, And pass it to your friends."
I searched my mind for another song I liked.
"I Want To Be Your Dominated Love Slave
I Want To Be The One Who Takes The Pain
You Can Spank Me When I Do Not Behave
Mack Me In The Forehead With A Chain
'Cause I Love Feelin' Dirty
And I Love Feelin' Cheap
And I Love It When You Hurt Me
So Drive Them Staples Deep"
I looked over at Ramona and Frankie. Ramona had a look of disgust on her face.
"Do you like that song?" She asked.
I nodded "Yeah. One of the best songs ever. Tre is so gorgeous and funny. I love him so much. Do you like Green Day?"
Ramona smiled slightly. "Well I kinda have to." She said.
I looked puzzled. "Why do you have to?"
She tapped the bridge of her nose. "You'll see." She looked down at the knife that was sitting on the table next to me. "Are you going to put that away?"
I shook my head. "Nope. I'm going to keep it under my pillow."
She gave me a funny look but sat down opposite me with Frankie on her lap.
For the next hour or two we talked. She was quite cool. I tried my best to get information about my dad off of her but she wouldn't give me any. She said that her and Frankie were actually half brother and sister and that both of there mums had split up with there dad but Frankie's mum still lived with them but she was over at one of her friends houses and Ramona was baby sitting Frankie. She usually lived in New York but she had come up for a few days.
After a while they all heard a car pull up out side. The front door clicked open. Ramona and Frankie ran out of the room. I stood up to go to but Ramona pushed me back onto the chair. "No. Stay here. I'll tell him where you are."
I nodded and Ramona left me alone. I could here screaming and laughing out side. I saw Ramona run pat the door with a blurry figure close behind her with a chair above his head.
"No please." Ramona yelled but that was all she could say because she was completely over come with laughter. I could hear all this going on and I wanted to go out there to see what was going on but my legs wouldn't let me.
There was silence for a while. "Fuck." I heard a mans voice say loudly. "What should I say?"
I heard Ramona mutter something.
"Ok," The man said.
Out side he was breathing deeply and he had one hand around the door. "Jesus." I heard him mutter. "Here we go."
He flung himself around the corner. I couldn't look at who it was. I hid my face in my hands. I wasn't ready. I felt a hand on my shoulder. "Jan?" He asked.
I nodded stiffly.
"It's me."
I nodded again.
"Can I talk to you?"
I shrugged.
"You're not giving me much help here."
One again I shrugged.
"Can you say something? I want to hear you voice."
I opened my mouth but quickly shut it. I had nothing to say. Instead I shook my head.
"Please."
He got exactly the same response.
He touched my cheek and it felt as if it was burning. I wanted to go back to the children's home. I felt safe there. I didn't feel safe here. I quickly pushed his hand off of my cheek and rushed out of the room.
"How did it go?" Ramona asked me as I walked past but I brushed away her question with a flick of my hand. I wiped a tear off of my cheek and threw my self into the covers of my bed. I snuggled up inside of them and bit my lip. I felt my dad's hand on my shoulder. I shrugged him off and covered up all of my body with the sheets. The bed sunk slightly and I guessed he had sat down next to me. "Jan. Please. I love you. I wanted to be in your life. Don't be angry."
"I'm not angry." My words seemed to take him by surprise because I felt him jump. "But you weren't in my life. And I'm not sure I'm ready.
For the next minute or so there was silence. But then I heard a song that was so familiar and bought back memories that hurt so much. He had picked up Slash and was playing Longview.
"Please don't," I whispered and he slowly stopped.
He sighed "Ok," I heard the opening to Wake Me Up When September Ends and I instantly started to cry. That song made me so emotional.
"Stop it. Play something happy."
He laughed slightly and started to play Dominated love slave.
"I Want To Be Your Dominated Love Slave
I Want To Be The One Who Takes The Pain
You Can Spank Me When I Do Not Behave
Mack Me In The Forehead With A Chain
'Cause I Love Feelin' Dirty
And I Love Feelin' Cheap
And I Love It When You Hurt Me
So Drive Them Staples Deep"
I sang along to it. When he sang it, it sounded so much like the real thing. His voice was really like Tres. It actually gave me the creeps.
He sang the rest of the song to me. All this time I kept my face burrowed into the pillow. Eventually he stopped.
"Are you a Green Day fan?" I asked.
There was a pause. "I dunno really. I suppose I'm not. But some people may disagree. I mean. I really like the songs. They mean so much to me. They are literally my life. But I don't think you could call me a fan."
I was confused. "Why not?"
"Why don't you have a look for yourself?"
I was silent for a while. The truth was that I didn't want to be let down. I didn't want my high expectations to be washed away with one look. I tried to. God knows I did. But it was as if my head actually physically wouldn't turn to look at him. "I can't." I whispered eventually.
I could hear him sighing. "Why not?"
I shrugged. "I honestly do not know." And that was the truth. My head was stuck in the pillow. As if it wouldn't let me go.
The tune of Longview started coming from slash and burning my ears once more. This time I didn't tell him to stop it. I rolled over and looked at his hands. I could do that. But not his face. He had nice hands. They looked vaguely familiar then I told myself it was from the photo.
He started singing the words and tears rolled down my cheeks. I could tell he was looking at my face but I didn't look at his. I didn't let myself.
He sung all the way through the song and by the end I was basically in hysterics. I clutched onto his hand and he pulled me into a hug. Carefully I sat up with out looking at him. I rested my chin on his shoulder and looked behind him. He had bright green hair. It was really cool from what I could see. He stroked my back caringly.
"Are you ok?" He asked.
I shook my head. I wasn't going to lie to him and tell him I was.
"Good to know you're honest." He said. "Now then. What was that knife in the kitchen for?"
My body tensed as he said that. I hadn't expected that. "Um...I...er...well...um... you...since...Ahh... ."
I started panicking and held onto him tightly.
"Please. Just look at me." I shook my head. "Please."
My mind wanted to. But I couldn't. It really was impossible for me to. "I can't." I admitted.
"Why?" He asked calmly.
I sighed. "Because...Well...I have had these images floating around in my mind all my life of what you look like... And I have sometimes thought...'It would be really cool if he was famous' or 'he is probably really good to be able to get my mum'. And I don't want to look at you in case I am let down."
His tears were running freely now and he stroked my hair from out of my face with his hand that wasn't rubbing my back.
I opened my eyes and looked at the back of him in the big mirror on the wall. I could have sworn I had seen him before. Oh well. It is probably vague memories of when I saw him when I was a baby. Yes. That would be it.
"Please look at me. I want to see your eyes."
I shook my head. "I can't. I want to but I can't"
My dad held me tightly. "Keep your eyes closed if you really feel that way. I just want to see your face."
I screwed up my eye as he held me in front of him.
"Jan. You are so gorgeous. You are my daughter. You share my blood. I want you to see me."
"What is your name? I asked. I lay back down on the bed and turned my back to him but had my eyes wide open.
"Frank." He replied. "Frank Edwin Write III. But no on calls me that."
My heart basically stopped when he said this. "Um... What do they call you?" I asked nervously.
He laughed. "Tre Cool. Mostly they call me Tre though."
"Fuck." I whispered under my breath. I didn't believe him. He couldn't be him. "Stop joking."
He sighed. "Just look at me. Please. I'm begging you."
My heart felt as if it stopped as he pulled me off him shoulder and held me in front of him but I shut my eyes tight as not to see him. "Jan." He whispered calmly. "This is what your mum wanted. For you to come here. She have me that guitar the day she found out she was dying. For you. She wanted you to do this. She came over here and designed this room for you and bought the clothes. She bought the cds and made me buy more as more good ones came out. She wanted you to grow up here. She is looking over you She knows what you are doing,"
I refused to open my eyes and he let me cling onto his arm again. I looked over his shoulder and stared into the mirror once more. For 10 minuets we sat like this. It was peaceful and quiet. I found my self-drifting off to sleep and the next thing I knew I was waking up in the room. Light was flooding through the windows and onto my face. I was under the sheets so my dad had obviously put me under them.
Oh my god. What should I tell him? It didn't seem right to lie to him. But it didn't seem rite to tell him what I was actually doing either.
"Um..." I couldn't think of more to say.
A girl appeared at his shoulder. She looked around 11. "My dear god," She said as she saw my scars. "Our sister is a self harmer. Jesus. You people are so stupid. I really wish we could of met for the first time under different circumstances. But it seems that that is not possible anymore." The girl spoke quite clearly and with very little emotion. It was actually quite scary. But then she lightened up a bit. She held her hand out for me to shake. "I'm Ramona by the way. And this is Frankie." She patted the boy on the back of the head gently.
I smiled. "Hey. I'm Jan."
Ramona nodded. "I know. Dad told us. He also told us about what happened to your mum. I'm sorry about that. I really am."
I smiled very slightly but my face was mainly filled with sorrow. "Thanks. So... Who is your dad? Well...OUR dad?"
Ramona shook her head. "We can't say. He wants to tell you it all himself."
I rolled my eyes. I looked down to notice I still had the knife in my hand. I quickly put it down and sat at the table. I started singing to my self. "Roll roll roll the joint.
Twist it at the end, Light it up, Take a puff, And pass it to your friends."
I searched my mind for another song I liked.
"I Want To Be Your Dominated Love Slave
I Want To Be The One Who Takes The Pain
You Can Spank Me When I Do Not Behave
Mack Me In The Forehead With A Chain
'Cause I Love Feelin' Dirty
And I Love Feelin' Cheap
And I Love It When You Hurt Me
So Drive Them Staples Deep"
I looked over at Ramona and Frankie. Ramona had a look of disgust on her face.
"Do you like that song?" She asked.
I nodded "Yeah. One of the best songs ever. Tre is so gorgeous and funny. I love him so much. Do you like Green Day?"
Ramona smiled slightly. "Well I kinda have to." She said.
I looked puzzled. "Why do you have to?"
She tapped the bridge of her nose. "You'll see." She looked down at the knife that was sitting on the table next to me. "Are you going to put that away?"
I shook my head. "Nope. I'm going to keep it under my pillow."
She gave me a funny look but sat down opposite me with Frankie on her lap.
For the next hour or two we talked. She was quite cool. I tried my best to get information about my dad off of her but she wouldn't give me any. She said that her and Frankie were actually half brother and sister and that both of there mums had split up with there dad but Frankie's mum still lived with them but she was over at one of her friends houses and Ramona was baby sitting Frankie. She usually lived in New York but she had come up for a few days.
After a while they all heard a car pull up out side. The front door clicked open. Ramona and Frankie ran out of the room. I stood up to go to but Ramona pushed me back onto the chair. "No. Stay here. I'll tell him where you are."
I nodded and Ramona left me alone. I could here screaming and laughing out side. I saw Ramona run pat the door with a blurry figure close behind her with a chair above his head.
"No please." Ramona yelled but that was all she could say because she was completely over come with laughter. I could hear all this going on and I wanted to go out there to see what was going on but my legs wouldn't let me.
There was silence for a while. "Fuck." I heard a mans voice say loudly. "What should I say?"
I heard Ramona mutter something.
"Ok," The man said.
Out side he was breathing deeply and he had one hand around the door. "Jesus." I heard him mutter. "Here we go."
He flung himself around the corner. I couldn't look at who it was. I hid my face in my hands. I wasn't ready. I felt a hand on my shoulder. "Jan?" He asked.
I nodded stiffly.
"It's me."
I nodded again.
"Can I talk to you?"
I shrugged.
"You're not giving me much help here."
One again I shrugged.
"Can you say something? I want to hear you voice."
I opened my mouth but quickly shut it. I had nothing to say. Instead I shook my head.
"Please."
He got exactly the same response.
He touched my cheek and it felt as if it was burning. I wanted to go back to the children's home. I felt safe there. I didn't feel safe here. I quickly pushed his hand off of my cheek and rushed out of the room.
"How did it go?" Ramona asked me as I walked past but I brushed away her question with a flick of my hand. I wiped a tear off of my cheek and threw my self into the covers of my bed. I snuggled up inside of them and bit my lip. I felt my dad's hand on my shoulder. I shrugged him off and covered up all of my body with the sheets. The bed sunk slightly and I guessed he had sat down next to me. "Jan. Please. I love you. I wanted to be in your life. Don't be angry."
"I'm not angry." My words seemed to take him by surprise because I felt him jump. "But you weren't in my life. And I'm not sure I'm ready.
For the next minute or so there was silence. But then I heard a song that was so familiar and bought back memories that hurt so much. He had picked up Slash and was playing Longview.
"Please don't," I whispered and he slowly stopped.
He sighed "Ok," I heard the opening to Wake Me Up When September Ends and I instantly started to cry. That song made me so emotional.
"Stop it. Play something happy."
He laughed slightly and started to play Dominated love slave.
"I Want To Be Your Dominated Love Slave
I Want To Be The One Who Takes The Pain
You Can Spank Me When I Do Not Behave
Mack Me In The Forehead With A Chain
'Cause I Love Feelin' Dirty
And I Love Feelin' Cheap
And I Love It When You Hurt Me
So Drive Them Staples Deep"
I sang along to it. When he sang it, it sounded so much like the real thing. His voice was really like Tres. It actually gave me the creeps.
He sang the rest of the song to me. All this time I kept my face burrowed into the pillow. Eventually he stopped.
"Are you a Green Day fan?" I asked.
There was a pause. "I dunno really. I suppose I'm not. But some people may disagree. I mean. I really like the songs. They mean so much to me. They are literally my life. But I don't think you could call me a fan."
I was confused. "Why not?"
"Why don't you have a look for yourself?"
I was silent for a while. The truth was that I didn't want to be let down. I didn't want my high expectations to be washed away with one look. I tried to. God knows I did. But it was as if my head actually physically wouldn't turn to look at him. "I can't." I whispered eventually.
I could hear him sighing. "Why not?"
I shrugged. "I honestly do not know." And that was the truth. My head was stuck in the pillow. As if it wouldn't let me go.
The tune of Longview started coming from slash and burning my ears once more. This time I didn't tell him to stop it. I rolled over and looked at his hands. I could do that. But not his face. He had nice hands. They looked vaguely familiar then I told myself it was from the photo.
He started singing the words and tears rolled down my cheeks. I could tell he was looking at my face but I didn't look at his. I didn't let myself.
He sung all the way through the song and by the end I was basically in hysterics. I clutched onto his hand and he pulled me into a hug. Carefully I sat up with out looking at him. I rested my chin on his shoulder and looked behind him. He had bright green hair. It was really cool from what I could see. He stroked my back caringly.
"Are you ok?" He asked.
I shook my head. I wasn't going to lie to him and tell him I was.
"Good to know you're honest." He said. "Now then. What was that knife in the kitchen for?"
My body tensed as he said that. I hadn't expected that. "Um...I...er...well...um... you...since...Ahh... ."
I started panicking and held onto him tightly.
"Please. Just look at me." I shook my head. "Please."
My mind wanted to. But I couldn't. It really was impossible for me to. "I can't." I admitted.
"Why?" He asked calmly.
I sighed. "Because...Well...I have had these images floating around in my mind all my life of what you look like... And I have sometimes thought...'It would be really cool if he was famous' or 'he is probably really good to be able to get my mum'. And I don't want to look at you in case I am let down."
His tears were running freely now and he stroked my hair from out of my face with his hand that wasn't rubbing my back.
I opened my eyes and looked at the back of him in the big mirror on the wall. I could have sworn I had seen him before. Oh well. It is probably vague memories of when I saw him when I was a baby. Yes. That would be it.
"Please look at me. I want to see your eyes."
I shook my head. "I can't. I want to but I can't"
My dad held me tightly. "Keep your eyes closed if you really feel that way. I just want to see your face."
I screwed up my eye as he held me in front of him.
"Jan. You are so gorgeous. You are my daughter. You share my blood. I want you to see me."
"What is your name? I asked. I lay back down on the bed and turned my back to him but had my eyes wide open.
"Frank." He replied. "Frank Edwin Write III. But no on calls me that."
My heart basically stopped when he said this. "Um... What do they call you?" I asked nervously.
He laughed. "Tre Cool. Mostly they call me Tre though."
"Fuck." I whispered under my breath. I didn't believe him. He couldn't be him. "Stop joking."
He sighed. "Just look at me. Please. I'm begging you."
My heart felt as if it stopped as he pulled me off him shoulder and held me in front of him but I shut my eyes tight as not to see him. "Jan." He whispered calmly. "This is what your mum wanted. For you to come here. She have me that guitar the day she found out she was dying. For you. She wanted you to do this. She came over here and designed this room for you and bought the clothes. She bought the cds and made me buy more as more good ones came out. She wanted you to grow up here. She is looking over you She knows what you are doing,"
I refused to open my eyes and he let me cling onto his arm again. I looked over his shoulder and stared into the mirror once more. For 10 minuets we sat like this. It was peaceful and quiet. I found my self-drifting off to sleep and the next thing I knew I was waking up in the room. Light was flooding through the windows and onto my face. I was under the sheets so my dad had obviously put me under them.
