Bleeding Hearts, chapter 7
She smiled and nodded. "Yep. You were always such a clever girl."
I just looked at her over and over. This couldn't be happening. I leaned in to hug her but I fell strait through.
"I wouldn't try that if I was you. It doesn't work," she said. "Nothing can touch me. I can touch me but that is it."
I sat back up and looked at her. She was sitting in the darkness in the clothes she died in. I noticed her skin was slightly paler than normal but her eyes had so much more colour and life in them.
Eventually I noticed I had just been sitting there starring at her. I had been trying to hold it back but I couldn't any more. Tears streamed down my face. I wanted to grab onto my mum and feel her warmth. But no matter how much I cuddled up in that corner I couldn't get warm. I closed my eyes for a while and then I opened them she was gone. "No," I cried. Where she had been there was a piece of paper. I picked it up and read it.
"I told you I had been looking over you. I will visit again soon. I don't know when I will have enough power to but I will. I am so proud of you my love. But please stop the cutting and just look at your dad. For me."
I held the paper close and tears soaked into it. I placed the knife back in my bag and put the note in my pocket. Slowly I stood up and walked down the alley. Half way down there was a pile of syringes on the floor. I went over to them and poked my finger on the end of one. It slid into my flesh and I quickly pulled away. I sucked the end of my finger and started walking again thinking nothing of it.
I stepped out into the street and suddenly realised it was getting dark. I had been in there for ages. I had lost track of time. I checked my watch. It was 6 O'clock in the evening. "Fuck," I whispered to myself. I had missed another day of school. Haha. They weren't going to be happy with me. Oh well. Fuck them. They can go get lives and leave me alone.
I started walking back down the street towards my dad's house. I still didn't know for sure who he was. He had two kids called Frankito and Ramona like Tre and has an ex wife called Claudia who lives with him. His kids are the rite age to be Tre's. I suppose I knew he was Tre. But it was as if I actually saw his face that would prove it and my brain would probably melt or something. I had always basically worshipped Tre and the thought of being related to him was mind boggling for me. So I couldn't look at his face because that would give solid evidence that that was he. And the knowledge of that would send me insane. It really would.
I turned a corner and suddenly realised that I had no idea where I was. "Damn it." I said to myself. I looked around me to see if I could see anywhere familiar. Nope. I looked up and felt a speck of rain landed right between my eyes. I loved rain. It was the only time that I felt truly happy. I flung my hair over my face and pulled my hoodie on even further. I carried on walking. After about half an hour my legs were starting to ache. The rain was really heavy and I was starting to need shelter. I turned a corner and instantly I recognised the street. I had been there so many times. It was a perfectly normal street with perfectly normal people living on it but at the end there was a pair of old rusty black gates. I walked over to them. On top there was always a pair of ravens or magpies and as you pushed the gate the noise of the hinges would scare them off. The grass in there was oven grown and you could barely see the path down the middle. But I knew my way around this place so well I didn't need the path anymore.
I walked through a small patch of short grass and into a little woody area. On the other side of that there was a tiny ditch. In the middle of this ditch three gravestones were laid. It was a cemetery that I had walked into. In the other part there were hundreds of gravestones and here there was three. The one on the right was my mum. They had put her and the other two here because they had ran out of room in the real place for them. In a way I liked it that she was here. No one came here so no one would ruin her grave. Behind it there was a wall that was covered in moss and behind that there was a large house. I had no idea who it belonged to and to be honest I didn't care. My mum had no flowers on her grave. She said to every one that she didn't want any. She just had a plane head stone that read.
"Here lies Greta May,
Fantastic mother to Janet May, daughter to Derek (died 1981) and Fiona May (Died 1990), Sister to Grace May and Auntie to Rose may.
She was an amazing woman and shall be remembered for her love of life.
'I will be looking over my friends and family and will love them all'
RIP Greta May,
1972-1997."
I ran my fingers over the words and rested with my back placed on the stone. I plunged my hand into my bag and pulled out my diary. I removed the pen from my pocket and held it in my fingertips.
I looked into the sky, which was still poring water all over me. My clothes and hair were soaking and now my diary was to. I leaned over it and started writing. When I wrote in my diary it was as if my mind shut off from the rest of the world. I didn't know what was going on around me. My hand moved so fast it was unbelievable. Tears rolled down my face. I was writing about anything that came to my mind. Mostly about seeing my mother and how I couldn't look at my dad. Usually nothing could break my trance with the paper. But this time something did. I hear rustling behind me. I guessed it was just a mouse and carried on writing. But soon enough I was distracted again by a shadow moving in the trees. I shook it out of my mind and looked back at the page. Nothing was coming to my mind to write.
"Fuck," I heard someone curse loudly from the wood.
My head shot up. There was nothing there. I felt around the floor and held a rock in my hand. I felt all its curves and bumps. I felt how strong the wind was and what direction it was going in. I had always had a deadly aim. I saw the shadow again and threw the rock at it. I heard a slight scream then a rustle of leaves then a thud. I checked around and ran over to the place where the thud had come from. I the mud squelched all around me as I got up. I pushed my way through the branches of one of the bushes and some one was lying on the floor. They were lying downwards and music was playing faintly from some speakers. I took on of the headphones out the person's ears and listened to what they were listening to.
The unmistakable sound of Iron Maiden played into my ears. He stirred slightly and rolled over. He was a young boy of around 11 or 12. I smiled at him. "Are you ok?" I asked.
He sat up and rubbed his forehead. "I was until you chucked a rock at me." He tried to say this sourly but I could tell he had no hard feelings and his voice just came out emotionless.
I nodded. "Sorry. I over react. I just couldn't face having anyone posing a threat to my mums grave."
He shrugged. "I understand. I'm just here to see my granddad's grave."
I was confused. "Why all the hiding in the bushes and stuff then."
He laughed. "Well to begin with I didn't want to interrupt you and I like coming here alone."
I smiled. "I get ya."
"Good."
I stood up and gave him my hand. He took it and I pulled him up. I looked through the trees. It was pitch-black now. It was only around 7 O'clock but it was quite late in the year. "So..." I began. "Where do you live?"
He pointed to the wall. "In that house over there."
I opened my eyes wide at him. "Wow. That house is massive."
He shrugged. "My family is quite rich. Where do you live?"
I thought for a moment. I didn't know if I actually lived with my dad yet or if I was just staying there. "I dunno," I admitted eventually.
He looked very confused. "How come?"
I shook my head. "People always regret asking these questions later. Well...my mum here." I gestured to her grave. "Died when I was 4 from cancer. She gave me this letter saying to go to Rudy's Can't Fail on my 13th birthday and my dad would be there and I could go live with him. But he wasn't there. He was busy doing something else. So instead this guy called John turned up. Then my dad came to his house later and I couldn't look at him. I wanted to but I couldn't. And I don't know if I actually lived with him or not. Or if I still live at the children's home. I don't even know if I want to live with him."
All the time I was saying this the boy was nodding as if he knew something. "Are you Jan then?" he asked.
I was quite taken aback. "Yeah. How did you know?"
He tapped his nose. "I have my ways."
I walked forwards and gave him a headlock. "How?" I asked in a serious voice.
"Ow ow ow ow ow ow." He pushed me off with difficulty and stood up rubbing his neck. "My dad knows your dad. He was telling me about you. He showed me a photo and I thought you looked familiar."
"Oh ok. Who are you then?"
He grinned. "I'm called Joseph but I don't like that so people call me Joey mostly."
I nodded. "Cool. Who is your dad?"
"Billie Joe," he answered.
"HOLY FUCK!" I yelled.
His eyes opened wide as I said this and he gestured for me to me quite. "Shhh. My little brother will hear you and come over. And besides your dad is Tr..."
Before he could finish I put my hands over my ears. I knew what he was going to say but for some reason my brain wouldn't let me except it.
He gave me a funny look. "What is that all about?"
I shook my head. "I don't know. For some reason my brain won't let me except it."
He shrugged. "Oh well. Eventually it will have to."
I shrugged. "Maybe."
He nodded. "You will."
I looked into the sky. Before I knew what was happening I heard Joey fall to the floor and some one grab my waist and pull me onto the floor next to Joey and him. I looked around. There was a boy was lying next to me with My Chemical Romance blaring into his ears.
"Gavin." I snapped.
He looked at me.
"What are you doing?"
He looked at me shocked. "I was protecting you from this freak." He gestured towards Joey.
I rolled my eyes. "1. I can protect myself. 2. He wasn't hurting me. 3. Why were you here? 4. He is Billie Joe's son. 5. You are holding my hand. 6. When you grabbed me you touched me in a place I don't like you touching." I gave him a stern look and he got off.
"S-sorry" he said to Joey. "I am here 'cause I wanted to find you and I knew you would be here. And I didn't mean to touch you there. It-it just happened."
He started rubbing her wrists were all the scars were. I saw him look up and there was a giant gash across his neck.
My eye shot open. "Gavin!" I yelled. "What is that? We agreed that we would never go that far. I mean...your NECK for fuck sake. That is too far. Your wrist is one thing. But your neck." I wound my hands into my hair. "Why?"
He looked nervously at me.
"Well? Cough it up."
He always cracked. He didn't like lying to me but I didn't like yelling at him. This time he was keeping it very secret though. He would usually tell first time.
"Gavin...seriously...I want to know. You would never go that far. Ok I have seen some pretty bad cuts on your wrists. But you could of died. Just tell me why you did it."
Tears were rolling down my face. But that might have just been the rain. All the stress of that day had got to me and I was breaking down in front of Gavin and Joey had gone and sat by his granddads grave just looking at us.
"Why?" I asked one last time.
He looked guilty. "Because I was jealous of Jack. Ok?"
I looked puzzled. "What for?"
He rubbed his neck. "He has something I want."
My tears were heavier than before. It definitely wasn't the rain now. "And that is?"
My head seemed to be about to float away.
He looked even guiltier. "You," he said finally.
Shock overwhelmed me. I felt the world slip away from my feet. The rain stopped and I just saw darkness. I could hear faint beeping in the background but my mind was elsewhere. I don't know where it was. It was just...sort of...living...doing nothing. All I knew was that I felt sick...deathly sick.
I just looked at her over and over. This couldn't be happening. I leaned in to hug her but I fell strait through.
"I wouldn't try that if I was you. It doesn't work," she said. "Nothing can touch me. I can touch me but that is it."
I sat back up and looked at her. She was sitting in the darkness in the clothes she died in. I noticed her skin was slightly paler than normal but her eyes had so much more colour and life in them.
Eventually I noticed I had just been sitting there starring at her. I had been trying to hold it back but I couldn't any more. Tears streamed down my face. I wanted to grab onto my mum and feel her warmth. But no matter how much I cuddled up in that corner I couldn't get warm. I closed my eyes for a while and then I opened them she was gone. "No," I cried. Where she had been there was a piece of paper. I picked it up and read it.
"I told you I had been looking over you. I will visit again soon. I don't know when I will have enough power to but I will. I am so proud of you my love. But please stop the cutting and just look at your dad. For me."
I held the paper close and tears soaked into it. I placed the knife back in my bag and put the note in my pocket. Slowly I stood up and walked down the alley. Half way down there was a pile of syringes on the floor. I went over to them and poked my finger on the end of one. It slid into my flesh and I quickly pulled away. I sucked the end of my finger and started walking again thinking nothing of it.
I stepped out into the street and suddenly realised it was getting dark. I had been in there for ages. I had lost track of time. I checked my watch. It was 6 O'clock in the evening. "Fuck," I whispered to myself. I had missed another day of school. Haha. They weren't going to be happy with me. Oh well. Fuck them. They can go get lives and leave me alone.
I started walking back down the street towards my dad's house. I still didn't know for sure who he was. He had two kids called Frankito and Ramona like Tre and has an ex wife called Claudia who lives with him. His kids are the rite age to be Tre's. I suppose I knew he was Tre. But it was as if I actually saw his face that would prove it and my brain would probably melt or something. I had always basically worshipped Tre and the thought of being related to him was mind boggling for me. So I couldn't look at his face because that would give solid evidence that that was he. And the knowledge of that would send me insane. It really would.
I turned a corner and suddenly realised that I had no idea where I was. "Damn it." I said to myself. I looked around me to see if I could see anywhere familiar. Nope. I looked up and felt a speck of rain landed right between my eyes. I loved rain. It was the only time that I felt truly happy. I flung my hair over my face and pulled my hoodie on even further. I carried on walking. After about half an hour my legs were starting to ache. The rain was really heavy and I was starting to need shelter. I turned a corner and instantly I recognised the street. I had been there so many times. It was a perfectly normal street with perfectly normal people living on it but at the end there was a pair of old rusty black gates. I walked over to them. On top there was always a pair of ravens or magpies and as you pushed the gate the noise of the hinges would scare them off. The grass in there was oven grown and you could barely see the path down the middle. But I knew my way around this place so well I didn't need the path anymore.
I walked through a small patch of short grass and into a little woody area. On the other side of that there was a tiny ditch. In the middle of this ditch three gravestones were laid. It was a cemetery that I had walked into. In the other part there were hundreds of gravestones and here there was three. The one on the right was my mum. They had put her and the other two here because they had ran out of room in the real place for them. In a way I liked it that she was here. No one came here so no one would ruin her grave. Behind it there was a wall that was covered in moss and behind that there was a large house. I had no idea who it belonged to and to be honest I didn't care. My mum had no flowers on her grave. She said to every one that she didn't want any. She just had a plane head stone that read.
"Here lies Greta May,
Fantastic mother to Janet May, daughter to Derek (died 1981) and Fiona May (Died 1990), Sister to Grace May and Auntie to Rose may.
She was an amazing woman and shall be remembered for her love of life.
'I will be looking over my friends and family and will love them all'
RIP Greta May,
1972-1997."
I ran my fingers over the words and rested with my back placed on the stone. I plunged my hand into my bag and pulled out my diary. I removed the pen from my pocket and held it in my fingertips.
I looked into the sky, which was still poring water all over me. My clothes and hair were soaking and now my diary was to. I leaned over it and started writing. When I wrote in my diary it was as if my mind shut off from the rest of the world. I didn't know what was going on around me. My hand moved so fast it was unbelievable. Tears rolled down my face. I was writing about anything that came to my mind. Mostly about seeing my mother and how I couldn't look at my dad. Usually nothing could break my trance with the paper. But this time something did. I hear rustling behind me. I guessed it was just a mouse and carried on writing. But soon enough I was distracted again by a shadow moving in the trees. I shook it out of my mind and looked back at the page. Nothing was coming to my mind to write.
"Fuck," I heard someone curse loudly from the wood.
My head shot up. There was nothing there. I felt around the floor and held a rock in my hand. I felt all its curves and bumps. I felt how strong the wind was and what direction it was going in. I had always had a deadly aim. I saw the shadow again and threw the rock at it. I heard a slight scream then a rustle of leaves then a thud. I checked around and ran over to the place where the thud had come from. I the mud squelched all around me as I got up. I pushed my way through the branches of one of the bushes and some one was lying on the floor. They were lying downwards and music was playing faintly from some speakers. I took on of the headphones out the person's ears and listened to what they were listening to.
The unmistakable sound of Iron Maiden played into my ears. He stirred slightly and rolled over. He was a young boy of around 11 or 12. I smiled at him. "Are you ok?" I asked.
He sat up and rubbed his forehead. "I was until you chucked a rock at me." He tried to say this sourly but I could tell he had no hard feelings and his voice just came out emotionless.
I nodded. "Sorry. I over react. I just couldn't face having anyone posing a threat to my mums grave."
He shrugged. "I understand. I'm just here to see my granddad's grave."
I was confused. "Why all the hiding in the bushes and stuff then."
He laughed. "Well to begin with I didn't want to interrupt you and I like coming here alone."
I smiled. "I get ya."
"Good."
I stood up and gave him my hand. He took it and I pulled him up. I looked through the trees. It was pitch-black now. It was only around 7 O'clock but it was quite late in the year. "So..." I began. "Where do you live?"
He pointed to the wall. "In that house over there."
I opened my eyes wide at him. "Wow. That house is massive."
He shrugged. "My family is quite rich. Where do you live?"
I thought for a moment. I didn't know if I actually lived with my dad yet or if I was just staying there. "I dunno," I admitted eventually.
He looked very confused. "How come?"
I shook my head. "People always regret asking these questions later. Well...my mum here." I gestured to her grave. "Died when I was 4 from cancer. She gave me this letter saying to go to Rudy's Can't Fail on my 13th birthday and my dad would be there and I could go live with him. But he wasn't there. He was busy doing something else. So instead this guy called John turned up. Then my dad came to his house later and I couldn't look at him. I wanted to but I couldn't. And I don't know if I actually lived with him or not. Or if I still live at the children's home. I don't even know if I want to live with him."
All the time I was saying this the boy was nodding as if he knew something. "Are you Jan then?" he asked.
I was quite taken aback. "Yeah. How did you know?"
He tapped his nose. "I have my ways."
I walked forwards and gave him a headlock. "How?" I asked in a serious voice.
"Ow ow ow ow ow ow." He pushed me off with difficulty and stood up rubbing his neck. "My dad knows your dad. He was telling me about you. He showed me a photo and I thought you looked familiar."
"Oh ok. Who are you then?"
He grinned. "I'm called Joseph but I don't like that so people call me Joey mostly."
I nodded. "Cool. Who is your dad?"
"Billie Joe," he answered.
"HOLY FUCK!" I yelled.
His eyes opened wide as I said this and he gestured for me to me quite. "Shhh. My little brother will hear you and come over. And besides your dad is Tr..."
Before he could finish I put my hands over my ears. I knew what he was going to say but for some reason my brain wouldn't let me except it.
He gave me a funny look. "What is that all about?"
I shook my head. "I don't know. For some reason my brain won't let me except it."
He shrugged. "Oh well. Eventually it will have to."
I shrugged. "Maybe."
He nodded. "You will."
I looked into the sky. Before I knew what was happening I heard Joey fall to the floor and some one grab my waist and pull me onto the floor next to Joey and him. I looked around. There was a boy was lying next to me with My Chemical Romance blaring into his ears.
"Gavin." I snapped.
He looked at me.
"What are you doing?"
He looked at me shocked. "I was protecting you from this freak." He gestured towards Joey.
I rolled my eyes. "1. I can protect myself. 2. He wasn't hurting me. 3. Why were you here? 4. He is Billie Joe's son. 5. You are holding my hand. 6. When you grabbed me you touched me in a place I don't like you touching." I gave him a stern look and he got off.
"S-sorry" he said to Joey. "I am here 'cause I wanted to find you and I knew you would be here. And I didn't mean to touch you there. It-it just happened."
He started rubbing her wrists were all the scars were. I saw him look up and there was a giant gash across his neck.
My eye shot open. "Gavin!" I yelled. "What is that? We agreed that we would never go that far. I mean...your NECK for fuck sake. That is too far. Your wrist is one thing. But your neck." I wound my hands into my hair. "Why?"
He looked nervously at me.
"Well? Cough it up."
He always cracked. He didn't like lying to me but I didn't like yelling at him. This time he was keeping it very secret though. He would usually tell first time.
"Gavin...seriously...I want to know. You would never go that far. Ok I have seen some pretty bad cuts on your wrists. But you could of died. Just tell me why you did it."
Tears were rolling down my face. But that might have just been the rain. All the stress of that day had got to me and I was breaking down in front of Gavin and Joey had gone and sat by his granddads grave just looking at us.
"Why?" I asked one last time.
He looked guilty. "Because I was jealous of Jack. Ok?"
I looked puzzled. "What for?"
He rubbed his neck. "He has something I want."
My tears were heavier than before. It definitely wasn't the rain now. "And that is?"
My head seemed to be about to float away.
He looked even guiltier. "You," he said finally.
Shock overwhelmed me. I felt the world slip away from my feet. The rain stopped and I just saw darkness. I could hear faint beeping in the background but my mind was elsewhere. I don't know where it was. It was just...sort of...living...doing nothing. All I knew was that I felt sick...deathly sick.
