Bleeding Hearts, chapter 9
I could hear talking and laughing in the background. I could see nothing apart from darkness. The clinical smell of a hospital filled my nose. The scratchy covers were itching me all over. Silently, I blinked my eyes open. The light seemed to blind my but eventually my vision cleared. Eight adults and seven children where stood in the middle of the room talking. None of them were looking at me. I just sat and listened to there conversation.
"I'm her dad for fuck sake. She won't even look at me because of that stupid thing on her brain," Instantly my mind seemed to block that man out of the picture. It was as if I couldn't look at him. I could look at all of him except his head. He was facing away from me so I couldn't see his face anyway but I didn't care.
"It can't be helped," said a man with black hair and eyeliner. "I haven't been able to look at my dad since I was 10. I know it is under totally different circumstances but I bet it hurts her as much as you. She probably wants to see you. She just can't."
My dad let out a slight scream of distress.
"Calm down," said another person. He was taller than everyone else. He had blonde hair with brown roots showing. He had tattoos showing all the way up his arm, which he put around my dads shoulder. "Billie Joe is right. Besides you can't do anything and you heard what the nurse said. Just try to live your life as normal as possible."
"Mike," he said warningly. "Our lives aren't normal. They haven't been normal ever since we released Dookie. I'm not so sure it was a good idea to start making music in the first place. Our lives are fucked up."
Another person laughed slightly. He had thick glasses on and brown hair. "Don't talk like that. You still have your health and all that shit."
"Mikey," One of children yelled I recognised her as Ramona. "My little brother is here. And Jakob. They do not need to hear you swearing."
He looked scandalised. "Tre swore too. And worse than me."
The other girl there sighed. She looked slightly older than Ramona. Not much older though. "He is going through a tough time and has an excuse."
Billie Joe rolled his eyes. "All you little kiddies go outside," he said in a baby voice. "You don't want to hear how the big kids talk. Go on," Ramona and the other girl each took the shoulder of one of the little boys, which left only three of the children left inside. All of which I recognised. The on standing next to Mikey and Billie Joe was Gavin who looked as if he was about to explode with delight. Hmm I wonder why? Um...wait one second. There is Green Day and My Chemical Romance standing right in front of me..."Holy fuck!" I yelled at the top of my voice. Everyone spun around with a start.
Billie Joe, Mike Dirnt, Gavin, Jack, Joey, Gerard Way, Frank Iero, Bob Bryar, Ray Toro, Mikey Way and my dad; who I didn't look at, were all staring at me. "What the fuck?" I asked "Why are My Chemical Romance and two members of Green Day in my room?"
I heard my dad let out a growl. He spun around and fell to the floor. "GOD!" He shouted angrily then stood back up with everyone looking at him. "What?" He asked.
I didn't look at his face while he was doing this. I just watched his body. "Someone gunna answer?" I asked.
Billie Joe stepped forward But Gavin and Jack pushed in front of him. "We'll go talk her through it all," Gavin said calmly. They helped me out of the bed and led me out the door. I noticed the gash on Gavin's neck was bigger than before. I tutted but kept walking with them. Eventually they led me into the hospital canteen and sat me down at a table.
"Right. Well...we have been talked though all this so I think we have the full picture and we are the ones who have been chosen to tell you what has been going on," Jack said. Gavin looked as if he felt bad about all this and didn't really want to say anything.
For about a minute, no one said anything.
"Are you gonna talk?" I asked impatiently.
"It isn't that easy," Gavin said which sort of took me by surprise. "It really doesn't feel right telling your best friend this sort of thing."
"I don't care what it sounds like."
"But we do!" Gavin snapped angrily. I was quite taken aback by this outburst
I looked at them both. "Guys. Please. Just say it."
"It isn't that simple."
"Fine. I will ask questions to get started," I thought. "Why did I faint?"
Jack and Gavin looked at each other. "Um. Well. When you fell you hit your head quite hard so they took some scans to find out if anything was wrong. And the fall didn't cause anything but it seems that you have theses things that look like blotches on the scans. They mean that you will be prone to fainting and you will have hallucinations, irrational thinking and not being able to except new things in your life," My heart stopped as Jack said hallucinations. Had I hallucinated that my mum was there. No. Of course I hadn't. It had been so real. But that is what hallucinations are. Real. Well, feel real. No. God, please no. My mum was there. She had to be. I started breathing heavily.
"Wh.-What? So my m-mum wasn't ac-ctually there?" This wasn't true. I couldn't accept it. Oh fuck. And that was why I couldn't look at my dad. "So I wont be able to look at my dad at all. Is this thing curable?"
Gavin bit his lip. "Ah...well. They don't know how to cure it. They will watch it and make sure it doesn't get any worse but they think you may be stuck with it."
My head felt as if it had exploded. Anger surged through my body. I started to become enraged at the thing on my brain. Why was it doing this so me? Why oh why? I ran my hand through my hair and tears welled in my eyes. "Will it kill me?"
Jack looked at me. "They don't think that will."
"What do you mean THAT? Is there something else?"
Gavin nodded. "There are more marks on the scans which are...tumours...cancer," My world slowed to a halt. My mind didn't think for a few moments. I remembered what happened to my mum. It was now happening to me. I didn't want this to be happening. I found my mind was trying to make it not true by not believing it. I tried my best to fight the infectious thoughts but they were too strong.
"I don't have CANCER for fuck sake!" I yelled.
"Jan," Gavin warned. "That is the...what ever it is on your brain speaking not you."
I slapped him right across the face. "Fuck you Gavin. You know nothing. And now you are going to be saying that this is just me acting irrational. But I'm not. I have every fucking right in the world to be angry so fuck you."
I stormed out of the canteen and back down the corridor. I walked into my room and everyone looked at me. I didn't look at them though. They had bought a few things in for me. I shoved them all into my school bag and slung my mums guitar, which they had bought in, around my neck. I was still wearing my normal clothes. With out a word to anyone I went over to the window and climbed out. We were on the tenth story and I flung my self off onto the cold hard concrete below.
"I'm her dad for fuck sake. She won't even look at me because of that stupid thing on her brain," Instantly my mind seemed to block that man out of the picture. It was as if I couldn't look at him. I could look at all of him except his head. He was facing away from me so I couldn't see his face anyway but I didn't care.
"It can't be helped," said a man with black hair and eyeliner. "I haven't been able to look at my dad since I was 10. I know it is under totally different circumstances but I bet it hurts her as much as you. She probably wants to see you. She just can't."
My dad let out a slight scream of distress.
"Calm down," said another person. He was taller than everyone else. He had blonde hair with brown roots showing. He had tattoos showing all the way up his arm, which he put around my dads shoulder. "Billie Joe is right. Besides you can't do anything and you heard what the nurse said. Just try to live your life as normal as possible."
"Mike," he said warningly. "Our lives aren't normal. They haven't been normal ever since we released Dookie. I'm not so sure it was a good idea to start making music in the first place. Our lives are fucked up."
Another person laughed slightly. He had thick glasses on and brown hair. "Don't talk like that. You still have your health and all that shit."
"Mikey," One of children yelled I recognised her as Ramona. "My little brother is here. And Jakob. They do not need to hear you swearing."
He looked scandalised. "Tre swore too. And worse than me."
The other girl there sighed. She looked slightly older than Ramona. Not much older though. "He is going through a tough time and has an excuse."
Billie Joe rolled his eyes. "All you little kiddies go outside," he said in a baby voice. "You don't want to hear how the big kids talk. Go on," Ramona and the other girl each took the shoulder of one of the little boys, which left only three of the children left inside. All of which I recognised. The on standing next to Mikey and Billie Joe was Gavin who looked as if he was about to explode with delight. Hmm I wonder why? Um...wait one second. There is Green Day and My Chemical Romance standing right in front of me..."Holy fuck!" I yelled at the top of my voice. Everyone spun around with a start.
Billie Joe, Mike Dirnt, Gavin, Jack, Joey, Gerard Way, Frank Iero, Bob Bryar, Ray Toro, Mikey Way and my dad; who I didn't look at, were all staring at me. "What the fuck?" I asked "Why are My Chemical Romance and two members of Green Day in my room?"
I heard my dad let out a growl. He spun around and fell to the floor. "GOD!" He shouted angrily then stood back up with everyone looking at him. "What?" He asked.
I didn't look at his face while he was doing this. I just watched his body. "Someone gunna answer?" I asked.
Billie Joe stepped forward But Gavin and Jack pushed in front of him. "We'll go talk her through it all," Gavin said calmly. They helped me out of the bed and led me out the door. I noticed the gash on Gavin's neck was bigger than before. I tutted but kept walking with them. Eventually they led me into the hospital canteen and sat me down at a table.
"Right. Well...we have been talked though all this so I think we have the full picture and we are the ones who have been chosen to tell you what has been going on," Jack said. Gavin looked as if he felt bad about all this and didn't really want to say anything.
For about a minute, no one said anything.
"Are you gonna talk?" I asked impatiently.
"It isn't that easy," Gavin said which sort of took me by surprise. "It really doesn't feel right telling your best friend this sort of thing."
"I don't care what it sounds like."
"But we do!" Gavin snapped angrily. I was quite taken aback by this outburst
I looked at them both. "Guys. Please. Just say it."
"It isn't that simple."
"Fine. I will ask questions to get started," I thought. "Why did I faint?"
Jack and Gavin looked at each other. "Um. Well. When you fell you hit your head quite hard so they took some scans to find out if anything was wrong. And the fall didn't cause anything but it seems that you have theses things that look like blotches on the scans. They mean that you will be prone to fainting and you will have hallucinations, irrational thinking and not being able to except new things in your life," My heart stopped as Jack said hallucinations. Had I hallucinated that my mum was there. No. Of course I hadn't. It had been so real. But that is what hallucinations are. Real. Well, feel real. No. God, please no. My mum was there. She had to be. I started breathing heavily.
"Wh.-What? So my m-mum wasn't ac-ctually there?" This wasn't true. I couldn't accept it. Oh fuck. And that was why I couldn't look at my dad. "So I wont be able to look at my dad at all. Is this thing curable?"
Gavin bit his lip. "Ah...well. They don't know how to cure it. They will watch it and make sure it doesn't get any worse but they think you may be stuck with it."
My head felt as if it had exploded. Anger surged through my body. I started to become enraged at the thing on my brain. Why was it doing this so me? Why oh why? I ran my hand through my hair and tears welled in my eyes. "Will it kill me?"
Jack looked at me. "They don't think that will."
"What do you mean THAT? Is there something else?"
Gavin nodded. "There are more marks on the scans which are...tumours...cancer," My world slowed to a halt. My mind didn't think for a few moments. I remembered what happened to my mum. It was now happening to me. I didn't want this to be happening. I found my mind was trying to make it not true by not believing it. I tried my best to fight the infectious thoughts but they were too strong.
"I don't have CANCER for fuck sake!" I yelled.
"Jan," Gavin warned. "That is the...what ever it is on your brain speaking not you."
I slapped him right across the face. "Fuck you Gavin. You know nothing. And now you are going to be saying that this is just me acting irrational. But I'm not. I have every fucking right in the world to be angry so fuck you."
I stormed out of the canteen and back down the corridor. I walked into my room and everyone looked at me. I didn't look at them though. They had bought a few things in for me. I shoved them all into my school bag and slung my mums guitar, which they had bought in, around my neck. I was still wearing my normal clothes. With out a word to anyone I went over to the window and climbed out. We were on the tenth story and I flung my self off onto the cold hard concrete below.
