We've Made It So Far, chapter 4
I made a quick call over to one of my neighbors to ask if they would watch the boys, but soon I was speeding down the high way doing at least ninety miles an hour and made it to the emergency room within a half hour.
"Where's Billie?!" I ran in screaming before I even saw anyone.
"Can I have his name and I'll tell you where to go."
"B-Billie Joe Arm-Armstrong." I said in between muffled sobs. I'm Breaking down and I haven't even seen him yet. I think to myself as I shake my head in disbelief at the situation.
"Yes room 203 on the right side of the first hall way."
I nod and almost start to run until I find it. I look through the glass to make sure it was right, and I see the back of Mike's head.
"Is he all right?"
Mike just pointed towards Billie. I knew if he would have said a word he would have started to cry. I look over and see Billie lying in bed covered with a thin blanket. He was awake, and had a very miserable look on his face which he had tried to hide so I wouldn't be afraid.
I almost cried just seeing that he was all right and awake. I walked up to him in almost shock and grabbed his hand. "Is that all I get after my accident?" His face was filled with scrapes and bruises and he had a neck brace on. I smile and give him a kiss.
"Are you all right?"
"No really I broke my leg and had to get a lot of stitches. Hey guys do you mind if I talk to Adie alone for one second?" Without question the guys left us.
"Um Adie... the doctors say I may need surgery."
"What kind?" I say hurriedly.
"Something with the back of my neck."
"When?"
"Tonight probably. Adie?"
"Yeah?"
"Are you all right."
"I'm fine just, seeing you awake is everything I'll ever need."
"I'm sorry I scared you."
"Don't be, it wasn't your fault." He yawned.
"I know but after all of those dreams I just feel a little guilty." He yawned again.
"You don't have to be." I smile pushing his hairs out of his face. "I'm going to go now you seem really tired." I kissed him and left the room to talk to Mike and Tre to figure out what happened.
"You 'doin okay?" Mike asks.
"Uh huh as good as I can be in a situation like this." I start gnawing on my thumb nail.
"Did Billie tell you?"
"About the surgery? Yeah he did."
"Mrs. Armstrong?" A new voice chimed in.
"Yes?" I turned around to see a man in a white coat and who was flipping through some papers.
"I'm going to need you to sign these papers allowing us to perform surgery."
"I have one question before I do."
"Yes."
"What will this surgery do for him."
"It could possibly save his life. He had a severe neck injury and has to have the discs in his spine slightly realigned." I took the papers immediately and signed in the needed spots.
"When will the surgery be?"
"As soon as possible. More than likely tomorrow morning so we can have all the needed doctors and nurses, around nine o'clock."
"Okay."
The doctor leaves as I rest my forehead on my palms and start to cry. Mike and Tre come over and try and make me feel better.
"H-how did this h-happen?"
"He was driving out to a store and fell asleep and hit a tree." I start to shake. My first dream.
Does that mean the others will come true too? I think to myself.
The next morning me and the boys get ready to go to the hospital. At 6 o'clock neither of them look very awake as we head down the street. We get there an hour later and I'm shocked at how fast I must have been going the night before.
I head down the hall to the chairs outside of his room. I sit the boys down and go inside. Billie is awake and is staring out the window.
"Hey Billie."
"Hi," he says numbly
"Everything will be okay."
"I hope so."
I look him in the eye. "Billie?"
"Yeah?"
"I'm scared."
"I know," he grabs my hand "but we'll get through all of this."
"I can't lose you."
"You won't, I promised you I would never leave. I would never break a promise."
"How can you say that! You don't know if you'll make it through this surgery alive or not!"
"That doesn't matter, whether I'm dead or not I'll always be here with you as long as you'll never forget me."
"I could never."
"I know, that's why I promised."
We are quiet for a few moments as he studies the tears flowing down my cheek. I see him start to tear up.
"Can I tell you something?"
"Anything."
"I'm afraid ,too."
"I love you Billie. I always have and always will."
"I love you too. I can't see you in pain Adie it kills me." He starts to silently cry.
"Bad choice of words." we let out a stifled laugh as we wipe our eyes.
"I don't want to be knocked out. I can't leave you guys yet."
"I know Billie, no one wants to see anything they love go away but it happens."
"I have a forty-five percent chance that I'll live."
"Sometimes ten is enough."
"And sometimes ninety isn't"
"Your strong you can get through this."
"So can you if I don't."
We're silent again his hand moves along my cheek, down to my shoulder, down my arm to my hand and he traces my wedding ring like I had done in one of the dreams.
"I wanna be buried. I want a spot that you, the kids, and the guys can visit me at."
"Okay." is all I could say with the baseball sized lump in my throat.
"Be tough when I'm gone."
"I will."
"Take care of the boys."
"Uh huh."
"Tell them I love them everyday."
"I will."
"And..." he choked on his last words. "Never forget that I love you."
"Never." I bit my lip and looked into his watery emerald eyes and gasped for breathe.
"Adie, I love you. If it weren't for you I would have never gotten this far. You truly are the love of my life."
"Billie!" I lunge forward a little and rest my head on his chest. We had been here for and hour and I figured I would bring the kids in. I took Joey first.
"Daddy?"
"Yup Joe?"
"Are you feeling better?"
"Now that I got to see you I'm feeling a lot better."
"Me , too." I set Joey on the bed.
"Joey I need to tell you something.?
"Yeah dad?"
"I might be going somewhere for a long, long time."
"Like when you go on tour?"
"No Joey, I might not see you again." Joey dropped his head to look at the floor.
"But I don't want you to go!"
"No one does but sometimes things like this happen."
"I love you daddy."
"I love you ,too, Joey. Can you do me a favor."
"Uh huh."
"Try your hardest at everything, and listen to your mom and just be helpful."
"I will."
"Whatever you do though, just have fun."
"I always do."
"I know" he gave Joey a hug and a kiss and I took him outside. I brought Jakob in.
"Hey dad."
"Hey Jake."
"How ya feeling?"
"Better but I need to tell you something."
"I already know. I saw Joey and mom crying so I kinda figured." He tried to conceal his pain.
"Jake, don't worry its not a positive thing-" Jake cut him off.
"Yeah but there's still a chance." he sounded almost angry.
"I'm not going to lie to you. I might die but I never meant to hurt you Jake." Billie started to cry.
"I know." Jake looked up at him through watery eyes.
"Just be sure to always do what you think is right and help take care of your brother. Teach him the important things I won't be able to."
"I won't let you down dad."
"I know you wouldn't." Jake walked over and gave his dad a hug and a kiss and mumbled "I love you." and Billie said it back.
We all sat outside while Mike and Tre had their time alone with him. The doctor came and told us he was going up to the operating room. We all sat there almost silent as the minutes went into hours.
The doctor came back "May I speak with you alone ma'am?"
"Of course."
We walk to the end of the hallway
"Your husband didn't make it through the surgery."
I felt my heart stop, I look towards Mike and Tre and start to sob. I knew it was coming but I didn't want to believe it. I walk over to Mike, Tre had taken the boys away.
"Adie?" I don't move or say anything.
"I have something to give you that Billie got for you the night of his accident. He wanted me to give it to you if he didn't make it." he handed me a black velvet box. I opened it to see a silver bangle bracelet with the words 'It takes my breath away Just to look into your eyes ' engraved on it. I cry again.
"Where's Billie?!" I ran in screaming before I even saw anyone.
"Can I have his name and I'll tell you where to go."
"B-Billie Joe Arm-Armstrong." I said in between muffled sobs. I'm Breaking down and I haven't even seen him yet. I think to myself as I shake my head in disbelief at the situation.
"Yes room 203 on the right side of the first hall way."
I nod and almost start to run until I find it. I look through the glass to make sure it was right, and I see the back of Mike's head.
"Is he all right?"
Mike just pointed towards Billie. I knew if he would have said a word he would have started to cry. I look over and see Billie lying in bed covered with a thin blanket. He was awake, and had a very miserable look on his face which he had tried to hide so I wouldn't be afraid.
I almost cried just seeing that he was all right and awake. I walked up to him in almost shock and grabbed his hand. "Is that all I get after my accident?" His face was filled with scrapes and bruises and he had a neck brace on. I smile and give him a kiss.
"Are you all right?"
"No really I broke my leg and had to get a lot of stitches. Hey guys do you mind if I talk to Adie alone for one second?" Without question the guys left us.
"Um Adie... the doctors say I may need surgery."
"What kind?" I say hurriedly.
"Something with the back of my neck."
"When?"
"Tonight probably. Adie?"
"Yeah?"
"Are you all right."
"I'm fine just, seeing you awake is everything I'll ever need."
"I'm sorry I scared you."
"Don't be, it wasn't your fault." He yawned.
"I know but after all of those dreams I just feel a little guilty." He yawned again.
"You don't have to be." I smile pushing his hairs out of his face. "I'm going to go now you seem really tired." I kissed him and left the room to talk to Mike and Tre to figure out what happened.
"You 'doin okay?" Mike asks.
"Uh huh as good as I can be in a situation like this." I start gnawing on my thumb nail.
"Did Billie tell you?"
"About the surgery? Yeah he did."
"Mrs. Armstrong?" A new voice chimed in.
"Yes?" I turned around to see a man in a white coat and who was flipping through some papers.
"I'm going to need you to sign these papers allowing us to perform surgery."
"I have one question before I do."
"Yes."
"What will this surgery do for him."
"It could possibly save his life. He had a severe neck injury and has to have the discs in his spine slightly realigned." I took the papers immediately and signed in the needed spots.
"When will the surgery be?"
"As soon as possible. More than likely tomorrow morning so we can have all the needed doctors and nurses, around nine o'clock."
"Okay."
The doctor leaves as I rest my forehead on my palms and start to cry. Mike and Tre come over and try and make me feel better.
"H-how did this h-happen?"
"He was driving out to a store and fell asleep and hit a tree." I start to shake. My first dream.
Does that mean the others will come true too? I think to myself.
The next morning me and the boys get ready to go to the hospital. At 6 o'clock neither of them look very awake as we head down the street. We get there an hour later and I'm shocked at how fast I must have been going the night before.
I head down the hall to the chairs outside of his room. I sit the boys down and go inside. Billie is awake and is staring out the window.
"Hey Billie."
"Hi," he says numbly
"Everything will be okay."
"I hope so."
I look him in the eye. "Billie?"
"Yeah?"
"I'm scared."
"I know," he grabs my hand "but we'll get through all of this."
"I can't lose you."
"You won't, I promised you I would never leave. I would never break a promise."
"How can you say that! You don't know if you'll make it through this surgery alive or not!"
"That doesn't matter, whether I'm dead or not I'll always be here with you as long as you'll never forget me."
"I could never."
"I know, that's why I promised."
We are quiet for a few moments as he studies the tears flowing down my cheek. I see him start to tear up.
"Can I tell you something?"
"Anything."
"I'm afraid ,too."
"I love you Billie. I always have and always will."
"I love you too. I can't see you in pain Adie it kills me." He starts to silently cry.
"Bad choice of words." we let out a stifled laugh as we wipe our eyes.
"I don't want to be knocked out. I can't leave you guys yet."
"I know Billie, no one wants to see anything they love go away but it happens."
"I have a forty-five percent chance that I'll live."
"Sometimes ten is enough."
"And sometimes ninety isn't"
"Your strong you can get through this."
"So can you if I don't."
We're silent again his hand moves along my cheek, down to my shoulder, down my arm to my hand and he traces my wedding ring like I had done in one of the dreams.
"I wanna be buried. I want a spot that you, the kids, and the guys can visit me at."
"Okay." is all I could say with the baseball sized lump in my throat.
"Be tough when I'm gone."
"I will."
"Take care of the boys."
"Uh huh."
"Tell them I love them everyday."
"I will."
"And..." he choked on his last words. "Never forget that I love you."
"Never." I bit my lip and looked into his watery emerald eyes and gasped for breathe.
"Adie, I love you. If it weren't for you I would have never gotten this far. You truly are the love of my life."
"Billie!" I lunge forward a little and rest my head on his chest. We had been here for and hour and I figured I would bring the kids in. I took Joey first.
"Daddy?"
"Yup Joe?"
"Are you feeling better?"
"Now that I got to see you I'm feeling a lot better."
"Me , too." I set Joey on the bed.
"Joey I need to tell you something.?
"Yeah dad?"
"I might be going somewhere for a long, long time."
"Like when you go on tour?"
"No Joey, I might not see you again." Joey dropped his head to look at the floor.
"But I don't want you to go!"
"No one does but sometimes things like this happen."
"I love you daddy."
"I love you ,too, Joey. Can you do me a favor."
"Uh huh."
"Try your hardest at everything, and listen to your mom and just be helpful."
"I will."
"Whatever you do though, just have fun."
"I always do."
"I know" he gave Joey a hug and a kiss and I took him outside. I brought Jakob in.
"Hey dad."
"Hey Jake."
"How ya feeling?"
"Better but I need to tell you something."
"I already know. I saw Joey and mom crying so I kinda figured." He tried to conceal his pain.
"Jake, don't worry its not a positive thing-" Jake cut him off.
"Yeah but there's still a chance." he sounded almost angry.
"I'm not going to lie to you. I might die but I never meant to hurt you Jake." Billie started to cry.
"I know." Jake looked up at him through watery eyes.
"Just be sure to always do what you think is right and help take care of your brother. Teach him the important things I won't be able to."
"I won't let you down dad."
"I know you wouldn't." Jake walked over and gave his dad a hug and a kiss and mumbled "I love you." and Billie said it back.
We all sat outside while Mike and Tre had their time alone with him. The doctor came and told us he was going up to the operating room. We all sat there almost silent as the minutes went into hours.
The doctor came back "May I speak with you alone ma'am?"
"Of course."
We walk to the end of the hallway
"Your husband didn't make it through the surgery."
I felt my heart stop, I look towards Mike and Tre and start to sob. I knew it was coming but I didn't want to believe it. I walk over to Mike, Tre had taken the boys away.
"Adie?" I don't move or say anything.
"I have something to give you that Billie got for you the night of his accident. He wanted me to give it to you if he didn't make it." he handed me a black velvet box. I opened it to see a silver bangle bracelet with the words 'It takes my breath away Just to look into your eyes ' engraved on it. I cry again.
