If My Memory Serves Me Right, chapter 6
Days went by. Maybe weeks. I don't really remember. I do remember Jimmy though. His face is still the one thing that remains firmly in my mind. Tunny had gone, and I tried to put him out of my mind. Unfamiliar faces showed up everywhere, and I assumed they were all part of the Underbelly. I was alone a lot of the time, and that wasn't good enough for me.
I could feel the end coming. The tension was slowly building up, and the Underbelly was getting more and more out of control. Jimmy was everywhere, it seemed, trying to hold things together. I realized his efforts were only going to patch up the problem temporarily though. All I had to do was wait. So I waited.
August came and I tried once more to find Jesus before the Underbelly destroyed him. I sat again on the sofa one late night and waited. Sure enough, Jimmy came in. I didn't look up, but I heard his steps and knew there was something wrong. Something different. His steps were heavy and uneven. I could hear his heavy breathing and a curse every once in a while. I turned and saw him like I had never seen him before. He was a mess. His clothes were all ripped, and he had a gash on the side of his cheek. And he was clearly piss-drunk. I stopped in my tracks and stared at him. Memories came rushing back. I tried to block them out, but my voice sounded much more insecure than I had hoped it would.
"Where'd you go? And what happened to you?"
"Nofing. Nofing happened. I jus' got in a figh'. S'all," he slurred like an idiot.
"Jesus, who fought you?"
"WHY CAN'T YA CALL ME JIMMY?" He bellowed. He took a step towards me, but I held my ground. I knew by then that I should never lose eye contact in that kind of situation.
"Saint Jimmy is a lie. You know it. It's just a game, Jesus. And the game's almost over. Stop playing around."
He took a swing and slapped me across the face. I didn't move or make a sound. I had to tell him what he had to hear.
"Why don't you love me?"
"I ne'er loved you," he spat in my face.
"Then that's it." I moved closer to him.
"What's in love is now in debt, Jimmy," I whispered. I kissed him roughly on the cheek and I left the room to do what I knew I had to.
Later that night I heard Jimmy's door slam and I knew he had gone to bed. I gathered up all I needed and slipped out silently. I wiped the tears from my eyes as I left my last word of goodbye to him on the counter. I shouldn't have cried, but I didn't want it to end like it did. Maybe Tunny was right. Needless to say, I'd be 1000 hours away before Jimmy read what I said to him:
Dear J-
I can't take this place. I'm sorry, but I need to leave it behind. And I thought you were going to be the one to make me myself again, but I'm leaving you tonight. You think you're a fucking saint? The bishop don't even know you exist. You'll never be a true saint. Jesus was a saint, not Jimmy. But it's not over before it's too late. You may have noticed it will be too late soon. And you'll wish you had a place to go. I don't want that future, so I'm following true saints like Tunny and getting out while I can.
You're not the Jesus Of Suburbia. The Saint Jimmy is a figment of your father's rage and your mother's love. Or that's what you'd like to believe. But then again, as your own motto says, what's in love is now in debt. And love is what brought us all here. We wouldn't be anywhere without it. But I can't live in debt, so I can't love someone who won't return it.
There was a time when you could look at me and make me want to spend my life with you. But now you're synthetic. You're pathetic. And now nobody likes you. Everyone left you- Tunny did, I did, and Jesus did. And we've all made it out without you. So while you did yourself out of whatever bullshit you've got yourself into, we'll all be out without you, having fun.
I never loved you, Jimmy
-W
**
I still think about Jesus. The only member of the Underbelly that I've kept in touch with is Tunny. He tells me that he's doing great. He's married (for the 3rd time) and he's got a nice house, just like he said he wanted. He's invited me to stay, but I'm not done wandering.
He also tells me that he's kept in contact with others from the Underbelly. Apparently Jimmy disappeared for a week after I left. When he came back he started calling himself Jesus again, and he finally left for good shortly thereafter. That's all I know about him. I still wish that things would have worked out between us. Maybe one day I'll meet him again when our roads cross. Maybe we'll meet up and be together as planned.
But his memory keeps me company in the darkest night. If my memory serves me right, Jesus wouldn't have wanted things to happen like they did. But Saint Jimmy got in the way. I'll never turn back time, so I'll forget what I can. I'll never forget the time though.
I could feel the end coming. The tension was slowly building up, and the Underbelly was getting more and more out of control. Jimmy was everywhere, it seemed, trying to hold things together. I realized his efforts were only going to patch up the problem temporarily though. All I had to do was wait. So I waited.
August came and I tried once more to find Jesus before the Underbelly destroyed him. I sat again on the sofa one late night and waited. Sure enough, Jimmy came in. I didn't look up, but I heard his steps and knew there was something wrong. Something different. His steps were heavy and uneven. I could hear his heavy breathing and a curse every once in a while. I turned and saw him like I had never seen him before. He was a mess. His clothes were all ripped, and he had a gash on the side of his cheek. And he was clearly piss-drunk. I stopped in my tracks and stared at him. Memories came rushing back. I tried to block them out, but my voice sounded much more insecure than I had hoped it would.
"Where'd you go? And what happened to you?"
"Nofing. Nofing happened. I jus' got in a figh'. S'all," he slurred like an idiot.
"Jesus, who fought you?"
"WHY CAN'T YA CALL ME JIMMY?" He bellowed. He took a step towards me, but I held my ground. I knew by then that I should never lose eye contact in that kind of situation.
"Saint Jimmy is a lie. You know it. It's just a game, Jesus. And the game's almost over. Stop playing around."
He took a swing and slapped me across the face. I didn't move or make a sound. I had to tell him what he had to hear.
"Why don't you love me?"
"I ne'er loved you," he spat in my face.
"Then that's it." I moved closer to him.
"What's in love is now in debt, Jimmy," I whispered. I kissed him roughly on the cheek and I left the room to do what I knew I had to.
Later that night I heard Jimmy's door slam and I knew he had gone to bed. I gathered up all I needed and slipped out silently. I wiped the tears from my eyes as I left my last word of goodbye to him on the counter. I shouldn't have cried, but I didn't want it to end like it did. Maybe Tunny was right. Needless to say, I'd be 1000 hours away before Jimmy read what I said to him:
Dear J-
I can't take this place. I'm sorry, but I need to leave it behind. And I thought you were going to be the one to make me myself again, but I'm leaving you tonight. You think you're a fucking saint? The bishop don't even know you exist. You'll never be a true saint. Jesus was a saint, not Jimmy. But it's not over before it's too late. You may have noticed it will be too late soon. And you'll wish you had a place to go. I don't want that future, so I'm following true saints like Tunny and getting out while I can.
You're not the Jesus Of Suburbia. The Saint Jimmy is a figment of your father's rage and your mother's love. Or that's what you'd like to believe. But then again, as your own motto says, what's in love is now in debt. And love is what brought us all here. We wouldn't be anywhere without it. But I can't live in debt, so I can't love someone who won't return it.
There was a time when you could look at me and make me want to spend my life with you. But now you're synthetic. You're pathetic. And now nobody likes you. Everyone left you- Tunny did, I did, and Jesus did. And we've all made it out without you. So while you did yourself out of whatever bullshit you've got yourself into, we'll all be out without you, having fun.
I never loved you, Jimmy
-W
**
I still think about Jesus. The only member of the Underbelly that I've kept in touch with is Tunny. He tells me that he's doing great. He's married (for the 3rd time) and he's got a nice house, just like he said he wanted. He's invited me to stay, but I'm not done wandering.
He also tells me that he's kept in contact with others from the Underbelly. Apparently Jimmy disappeared for a week after I left. When he came back he started calling himself Jesus again, and he finally left for good shortly thereafter. That's all I know about him. I still wish that things would have worked out between us. Maybe one day I'll meet him again when our roads cross. Maybe we'll meet up and be together as planned.
But his memory keeps me company in the darkest night. If my memory serves me right, Jesus wouldn't have wanted things to happen like they did. But Saint Jimmy got in the way. I'll never turn back time, so I'll forget what I can. I'll never forget the time though.
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