Billie the Zombie, chapter 6
Mike awoke with a jolt. He looked around in confusion until he realized that he was still in Billie's backyard. He was wondering why he was there when suddenly Joey and Jakob ran out the back door.
"Mike! Where's Mom?!" they cried anxiously.
"Uh..." Mike tried desperately to remember. There were flashes of memories here and there, but he just couldn't stop thinking about coffee. He suddenly found himself in Billie's kitchen and turning on the kettle, followed by two annoyed boys.
"Where's Mom?" they repeated.
"Just wait a minute, will you? God! I can't remember, okay?! Give me a friggin' break!"
Joey's face twisted in anger, and he kicked Mike in the balls.
"OW!" Mike yelled in a high-pitched, whiny voice. He fell to the floor and grabbed his crotch in pain. He rolled around a bit until Jakob jumped onto his stomach. The two young boys continued to kick his ass until he cried, "Wait! I remember now!"
Joey and Jakob paused and looked at him in disgust. They waited for an explanation, but Mike just started crying uncontrollably. They rolled their eyes and left the room to find their mother on their own.
"Let's look in the backyard for some clues," Joey suggested. His brother nodded and went outside and did just that.
"Hey, look at this," Jakob said after a minute of seaching. He pointed to what he was looking at while Joey came over to see.
"What is it?" he asked.
"I dunno..." Jakob picked up a tube of pink lip gloss and held it carefully between two fingers. "It looks like-"
"A holy icon sent forth to earth from God to take us to the realm of higher intellect?" Joey interrupted.
"Uh, no..." Jakob eyes his brother strangely. "I think it's-"
He was cut off again. "The magical potion that will turn us into flying monkeys that work as minions for the Wicked Witch of the--?"
Jakob threw the bottle at his brother's head. Joey yelped and fell silent to the ground. Jakob smiled and decided to put the lip gloss all over Joey's face while he was unconscious. He giggled evilly and skipped away to go watch TV.
Jakob flipped through the channels until he got to one that was showing Dr. Phil.
"Ya need to git axcited abou' your laff," he said to the girl to his right. She nodded and sobbed.
"All righ'," the bald man said, turning to the camera. "Up next, a man born with 50 heads. See how he copes with the teasing he gets at work every day. Y'all stay tuned."
Jakob sat thoughtfully for a moment. His family had been in pretty bad shape for the past few days. He wondered...
***
"Hello, and welcome to the Dr. Phil show," Dr. Phil McGraw said to his audience. They clapped and cheered as he beamed at them. "All righ', today a young boy and his brother are here to tell their story. They tell me that their family is falling apart."
Jakob and Joey Armstrong walked onstage and the audience "oohed" and "awwed" at them. They sat down next to Dr. Phil and waited patiently for the crowd to shut up.
"This is Joey and Jakob Armstrong," the doctor said, pointing to them. "Now, I undastand tha' you're the sons of the frontman of Green Day, righ'?"
They nodded as the crowd screamed and chanted "Green Day! Green Day!"
Joey and Jakob were scared of them, but Dr Phil pulled a bucket of pixie dust out from behind his back and tossed it over the audience, and they immediately fell silent.
"Okay then. So, tell us why you're here."
"Well," Joey started. "First of all, something happened to our dad, so now he's a zombie."
"And then he started chasing us around," Jakob added.
"And mom kept beating us up for some reason."
"Then she disappeared."
"Come to think of it, I haven't seen Tré lately either," Joey commented.
"And Mike is probably still lying on the kitchen floor in pain. He's not much help."
"Well then," Dr Phil said. "You do seem to have a problem."
The two boys looked at each other with a "well, duh" look on their faces. Dr Phil continued.
"I think y'all should-"
But he was interuppted by none other than Tré Cool, who ran into the studio, closely followed by Billie Joe Armstrong. Billie (who was covered in dirt and kiss marks) caught up with Tré and tackled him to the floor.
"Tré, you idiot!" he yelled.
Tré struggled, but Billie still held him down. "Get off, zombie!" he screamed back (apparently, he had remembered that he wasn't a teenie).
"Zombie?! WHERE?!!?!"
Billie got off of Tré and ran in circles...again...until Dr Phil pulled out a pistol and shoot it toward the ceiling, knocking out a few lights.
Everyone fell silent.
"A'right, Joey, Jakob, come out from there," he said, gesturing for the boys to come out from under the couch where they had been hiding. They did and sat squished together on the edge of their seats, attempting to stay as far away from their father as possible. Dr. Phil rolled his eyes and said, "Wha' if I told you that zombies don't exist?"
Everyone onstage, other than Dr. Phil himself, stared at him with their jaws dropped and blinking stupidly.
"They don't exist?" Joey and Jakob said at the same time.
"They don't exist?" Billie and Tré said together a second later.
"Thhheyy d-don't exxistt?!" Mike and Adie slurred simutaniously as they crawled into the room. Then they both dropped to the floor and convulsed.
"Nope," Dr Phil said happily. "You don't need my help anymore, so give me my money and go talk to Oprah."
Billie, Tré, Joey, and Jakob all hugged for several seconds as the audience clapped. Dr. Phil watched them for awhile before yawning and going off to kiss his wife.
Then the four of then scraped Mike and Adrienne off the floor, payed Dr. Phil's workers and drove home to get tickets for the Oprah show.
A FEW DAYS LATER
"Hello, and welcome to the Oprah show!" Oprah Winfrey called to her loving fans.
She explained to they that they'd be meeting Billie Joe Armstrong, Mike Dirnt, Tré Cool, Adrienne Armstrong, and the boys. The six of them walked onstage nervously and told their tragic tale of pain and suffering, misunderstanding and finally, forgiveness. Billie also explained how he had escaped the evil teenies.
"Well, I was tied to a table, and Adie was kinda nailed to a big spinny thing, and Tré was, well, weird, to say the least."
Tré smiled and waved to the crowd. They didn't react. They just stared vacantly. Maybe if you had been there, and if you had been listening closely, you might have heard the sound of a cricket chirping.
But anyway...
"Then this genius above ground decided to flood this hole he'd found. So me and Tré got washed out, and the teenies drowned. I hope."
He glanced over at Adrienne who was glaring at him, anger in her eyes.
"Oh, yeah, and I guess Adie was swept out too," Billie added nervously.
"I see," Oprah said. "Well, thank you for sharing that story with us. I-"
But she was rudely interrupted by Tom Cruise running in (naked, by the way), screaming something inaudiable.
Adie covered her son's eyes, quite unnessicarily, like they'd want to see him running around naked anyway.
Then Billie covered Adie's eyes, and Mike covered Billie's and closed his own and Tré covered Oprah's. Then Tré stared at Tom. He started drooling and the audience laughed at him. At least until The Dr. Phil Fairy flew inside.
"This is gonna be a changin' day in your laff," he said as he threw pixie dust over everyone. The audience mumbled slightly and fell asleep.
There was no noise except for the crickets and Tom Cruise screaming "KATIE!" at the top of his lungs.
***
Billie took his family home and sat at the table, thinking about his eventful week. Suddenly, he heard a knock on the door. He opened it and saw Mike and Tré, bearing gifts.
Billie let them inside as Tré handed Billie one of the presents. Billie shook it to see if he could tell what was inside, and he couldn't, so he quickly ripped the pink wrapping paper off and gasped.
"KEN!"
He opened the box that contained a brand new Ken doll and hugged it. Tré and Mike smiled as they watched Billie embracing his present.
"Thanks, guys," he blurted as he sobbed tears of joy. "This is the best present anyone could ever be given."
They sat there for a while longer until Billie said, "Wait 'til I, like, tell Barbie she has, like, her boyfriend back!" he squealed. He raced upstairs to his bedroom with his new treasure and Mike and Tré stayed in the living room, feeling good about what they had just done.
But suddenly, they heard someone upstairs scream, "OH MY, LIKE, GOD!" the voice cried. "Where's Barbie?!"
Mike and Tré looked nervously at each other before running to Wal-Mart to get a new Barbie doll for Billie Joe.
The End.
(or is it?)
...
(Yeah, it is. Thanks for reading!)
"Mike! Where's Mom?!" they cried anxiously.
"Uh..." Mike tried desperately to remember. There were flashes of memories here and there, but he just couldn't stop thinking about coffee. He suddenly found himself in Billie's kitchen and turning on the kettle, followed by two annoyed boys.
"Where's Mom?" they repeated.
"Just wait a minute, will you? God! I can't remember, okay?! Give me a friggin' break!"
Joey's face twisted in anger, and he kicked Mike in the balls.
"OW!" Mike yelled in a high-pitched, whiny voice. He fell to the floor and grabbed his crotch in pain. He rolled around a bit until Jakob jumped onto his stomach. The two young boys continued to kick his ass until he cried, "Wait! I remember now!"
Joey and Jakob paused and looked at him in disgust. They waited for an explanation, but Mike just started crying uncontrollably. They rolled their eyes and left the room to find their mother on their own.
"Let's look in the backyard for some clues," Joey suggested. His brother nodded and went outside and did just that.
"Hey, look at this," Jakob said after a minute of seaching. He pointed to what he was looking at while Joey came over to see.
"What is it?" he asked.
"I dunno..." Jakob picked up a tube of pink lip gloss and held it carefully between two fingers. "It looks like-"
"A holy icon sent forth to earth from God to take us to the realm of higher intellect?" Joey interrupted.
"Uh, no..." Jakob eyes his brother strangely. "I think it's-"
He was cut off again. "The magical potion that will turn us into flying monkeys that work as minions for the Wicked Witch of the--?"
Jakob threw the bottle at his brother's head. Joey yelped and fell silent to the ground. Jakob smiled and decided to put the lip gloss all over Joey's face while he was unconscious. He giggled evilly and skipped away to go watch TV.
Jakob flipped through the channels until he got to one that was showing Dr. Phil.
"Ya need to git axcited abou' your laff," he said to the girl to his right. She nodded and sobbed.
"All righ'," the bald man said, turning to the camera. "Up next, a man born with 50 heads. See how he copes with the teasing he gets at work every day. Y'all stay tuned."
Jakob sat thoughtfully for a moment. His family had been in pretty bad shape for the past few days. He wondered...
***
"Hello, and welcome to the Dr. Phil show," Dr. Phil McGraw said to his audience. They clapped and cheered as he beamed at them. "All righ', today a young boy and his brother are here to tell their story. They tell me that their family is falling apart."
Jakob and Joey Armstrong walked onstage and the audience "oohed" and "awwed" at them. They sat down next to Dr. Phil and waited patiently for the crowd to shut up.
"This is Joey and Jakob Armstrong," the doctor said, pointing to them. "Now, I undastand tha' you're the sons of the frontman of Green Day, righ'?"
They nodded as the crowd screamed and chanted "Green Day! Green Day!"
Joey and Jakob were scared of them, but Dr Phil pulled a bucket of pixie dust out from behind his back and tossed it over the audience, and they immediately fell silent.
"Okay then. So, tell us why you're here."
"Well," Joey started. "First of all, something happened to our dad, so now he's a zombie."
"And then he started chasing us around," Jakob added.
"And mom kept beating us up for some reason."
"Then she disappeared."
"Come to think of it, I haven't seen Tré lately either," Joey commented.
"And Mike is probably still lying on the kitchen floor in pain. He's not much help."
"Well then," Dr Phil said. "You do seem to have a problem."
The two boys looked at each other with a "well, duh" look on their faces. Dr Phil continued.
"I think y'all should-"
But he was interuppted by none other than Tré Cool, who ran into the studio, closely followed by Billie Joe Armstrong. Billie (who was covered in dirt and kiss marks) caught up with Tré and tackled him to the floor.
"Tré, you idiot!" he yelled.
Tré struggled, but Billie still held him down. "Get off, zombie!" he screamed back (apparently, he had remembered that he wasn't a teenie).
"Zombie?! WHERE?!!?!"
Billie got off of Tré and ran in circles...again...until Dr Phil pulled out a pistol and shoot it toward the ceiling, knocking out a few lights.
Everyone fell silent.
"A'right, Joey, Jakob, come out from there," he said, gesturing for the boys to come out from under the couch where they had been hiding. They did and sat squished together on the edge of their seats, attempting to stay as far away from their father as possible. Dr. Phil rolled his eyes and said, "Wha' if I told you that zombies don't exist?"
Everyone onstage, other than Dr. Phil himself, stared at him with their jaws dropped and blinking stupidly.
"They don't exist?" Joey and Jakob said at the same time.
"They don't exist?" Billie and Tré said together a second later.
"Thhheyy d-don't exxistt?!" Mike and Adie slurred simutaniously as they crawled into the room. Then they both dropped to the floor and convulsed.
"Nope," Dr Phil said happily. "You don't need my help anymore, so give me my money and go talk to Oprah."
Billie, Tré, Joey, and Jakob all hugged for several seconds as the audience clapped. Dr. Phil watched them for awhile before yawning and going off to kiss his wife.
Then the four of then scraped Mike and Adrienne off the floor, payed Dr. Phil's workers and drove home to get tickets for the Oprah show.
A FEW DAYS LATER
"Hello, and welcome to the Oprah show!" Oprah Winfrey called to her loving fans.
She explained to they that they'd be meeting Billie Joe Armstrong, Mike Dirnt, Tré Cool, Adrienne Armstrong, and the boys. The six of them walked onstage nervously and told their tragic tale of pain and suffering, misunderstanding and finally, forgiveness. Billie also explained how he had escaped the evil teenies.
"Well, I was tied to a table, and Adie was kinda nailed to a big spinny thing, and Tré was, well, weird, to say the least."
Tré smiled and waved to the crowd. They didn't react. They just stared vacantly. Maybe if you had been there, and if you had been listening closely, you might have heard the sound of a cricket chirping.
But anyway...
"Then this genius above ground decided to flood this hole he'd found. So me and Tré got washed out, and the teenies drowned. I hope."
He glanced over at Adrienne who was glaring at him, anger in her eyes.
"Oh, yeah, and I guess Adie was swept out too," Billie added nervously.
"I see," Oprah said. "Well, thank you for sharing that story with us. I-"
But she was rudely interrupted by Tom Cruise running in (naked, by the way), screaming something inaudiable.
Adie covered her son's eyes, quite unnessicarily, like they'd want to see him running around naked anyway.
Then Billie covered Adie's eyes, and Mike covered Billie's and closed his own and Tré covered Oprah's. Then Tré stared at Tom. He started drooling and the audience laughed at him. At least until The Dr. Phil Fairy flew inside.
"This is gonna be a changin' day in your laff," he said as he threw pixie dust over everyone. The audience mumbled slightly and fell asleep.
There was no noise except for the crickets and Tom Cruise screaming "KATIE!" at the top of his lungs.
***
Billie took his family home and sat at the table, thinking about his eventful week. Suddenly, he heard a knock on the door. He opened it and saw Mike and Tré, bearing gifts.
Billie let them inside as Tré handed Billie one of the presents. Billie shook it to see if he could tell what was inside, and he couldn't, so he quickly ripped the pink wrapping paper off and gasped.
"KEN!"
He opened the box that contained a brand new Ken doll and hugged it. Tré and Mike smiled as they watched Billie embracing his present.
"Thanks, guys," he blurted as he sobbed tears of joy. "This is the best present anyone could ever be given."
They sat there for a while longer until Billie said, "Wait 'til I, like, tell Barbie she has, like, her boyfriend back!" he squealed. He raced upstairs to his bedroom with his new treasure and Mike and Tré stayed in the living room, feeling good about what they had just done.
But suddenly, they heard someone upstairs scream, "OH MY, LIKE, GOD!" the voice cried. "Where's Barbie?!"
Mike and Tré looked nervously at each other before running to Wal-Mart to get a new Barbie doll for Billie Joe.
The End.
(or is it?)
...
(Yeah, it is. Thanks for reading!)
Previous | Page 6/6
