And Like A Blade You'll Stain, chapter 11
"I'll give you two a minute..." Leigh muttered and walked back over to the closet. She went inside and shut the door behind her. I raised my eyebrows at Ashley.
"What was that about?" I said.
"Oh...she's just weird like that," Ashley murmured distantly.
"Ok....can we talk?" I asked.
Ashley nodded and we sat on her bed.
"Am I really...your idol?" I asked.
She didn't speak for a second, just sat there, staring into space.
"Yeah...yes, you are."
I gazed at her for a second. There were so many questions I wanted to ask....
"Why did you try and...?"
"Kill myself?" She finished for me. I nodded sadly. She sighed.
"My life was just falling to pieces, and I was sick of being a reject, a misfit, a loner. And then I found you. You're music. It saved me..."
There was still one thing I didn't understand:
"Why have you been acting like you hate me?" I asked, kind of annoyed because she hadn't really made my life any easier.
She sighed again, and went over to the closet. Leigh came out and took one look at Ashley, then left the room. Ashley followed, but at the door, she turned back to me.
"Because sometimes, when you love someone as much as I love you, it's hard too bring yourself to face them."
She stared at me for a second, and then made to close the door.
"Wait!" I yelled and ran over.
She turned back to me.
"Why didn't you just tell me you loved me?" I asked desperately.
She looked at me sorrowfully. It was the first true expression I'd seen to come across her icy eyes.
"Come one Billie," She laughed bitterly. "We both know...we both know so well that...that I love you..." She sighed, "...Is never enough."
* * *
We shared a moment that will last till the end.....
When I finally got over what Ashley had said, and walked downstairs, she and Leigh were sitting at the kitchen table with a dumbstruck Adie.
They all looked up as I walked in.
Adie smiled.
I could see the tears in her eyes.
"Hey babe," She said warmly.
I could sense the fear in her voice.
I went at sat beside her. She slipped her arm around my waist.
I could feel the tension in her body.
I looked at her and started to cry again.
Shocked, she pulled me into a hug.
"Babe, sshhhh, don't cry, Billie, please, hunny, don't cry, I'm here, baby, I'm here," She soothed but-
I could hear the tremble of fear as she spoke.
"I-I don't want to die!" I choked. She rubbed my back and I heard the scraping of chairs.
"We're going for a walk," Ashley said.
I broke away from my wife and kissed her softly.
MY wife....my beautiful wife. She's all I've ever wanted.
Today's the Macy's Day parade.
The night of the living dead is on its way...
With a credit report for duty call.
It's a lifetime guarantee.
Stuffed in a coffin 10% more free.
Red light special at the mausoleum.
Give me something that I need.
Satisfaction guaranteed to you.
What's the consolation prize?
Economy sized dreams of hope.
When I was a kid, I thought...
I wanted all the things that I haven't got.
Oh, but I learned the hardest way.
Then I realized what it took...
To tell the difference between thieves and crooks.
A lesson learned for me and you.
Give me something that I need.
Satisfaction guaranteed...
'Cause I'm thinkin about a brand new hope.
The one I've never known.
'Cause now I know it's all that I wanted.
What's the consolation prize?
Economy sized dreams of hope.
Give me something that I need.
Satisfaction guaranteed.
'Cause I'm thinkin' about a brand new hope.
The one I've never known.
And where it goes...
And I'm thinkin' about the only road.
The one I've never known.
And where it goes...
And I'm thinkin' about a brand new hope.
The one I've never known.
'Cause now I know it's all that I wanted.
* * *
When I woke up the next morning with Adie in my arms, I felt so weak. I was losing energy, losing life, losing hope.
I walked downstairs, a thought going through my troubled mind that I didn't recognize.
How am I going to spend the next three months?
I walked into the kitchen. Joey and Jake were sitting eating pancakes. I walked over to them and sat opposite them. I knew I'd have to tell them sometime.
There's no time like the present.
"Jo? Jakey?" I said quietly. They looked up.
"Yeah, dad?" They said simultaneously.
"I have some....news. And it's not...good, not very good news, but I don't want you guys to take it the wrong way, ok?" I was trying not to cry, I couldn't bear this.
"Dad? What's wrong?" Joey said. I took a deep breath.
"Boys...I love you. I love you both.....just...daddy might not be with you guys much longer, ok? But don't worry, because maybe....maybe mommy will find a new daddy for you guys," I said. God, it was killing me, it was tearing me apart inside to have to tell them like this.
"But...." Jake began.
"Be quiet Jake," Joey said. Jake shook his head.
"Daddy? Where are you going?" Jake asked. I sighed and put my head in my hands.
"Jakey...Jakey, do you remember Snowball?" Joey asked. Jakey nodded earnstly. Snowball had been his goldfish....
"Well...you know that time when Snowball didn't wake up, and he stayed sleeping?" Joey said gently. Jakey looked at me sadly.
"Are you going to fall asleep, daddy?" He asked sorrowfully. I couldn't bear to see him like that.
"I- I will always love you, Jakey, Joey, I love you both....I just...."
"Jake, go play with your toys, yeah? Daddy's not leaving yet; we should be happy we have him now shouldn't we?" Joey persisted.
Jake nodded and shrugged, then hugged me.
"I love you daddy," He said.
"Jakey.....Jake, I love you too," I sighed.
"Just go play with your toys, Jake, ok?" Joey said. Jake nodded and left the room.
"Dad... you're dying, aren't you, dad?" Joey said, tears in his eyes. I nodded slowly and sadly.
"I have cancer, Jo... .I'm sorry," I said, starting to cry again. He shook his head and came over to hug me. I hugged him back.
"I don't want you to die, dad... ..I need a dad," He said, also crying. I hugged him tighter.
"Joey... .oh god, Joey, I am so damn sorry... .I'm sorry, Joey, I love you... ."
* * *
"Babe? Are you ready?"
I nodded and pulled on my jacket. We were going to see my mom today, me and Adie. To tell her that me, her son, was dying. Oh joy.
Ashley and Leigh were looking after Joey and Jake. Leigh hadn't been any bother, actually, and was basically a part of our family, after being here for two days. Joey liked her, and although he didn't like Ashley yet, it was a start, I guess.
We got in the car and I drove as slow as I could without causing a traffic jam; I wanted to take up as much time as possible.
Once we pulled up at the house, Adie got out. I sat there for a second, wondering how I'd tell her. Wondering how I could possibly tell my own mother that I was dying.
I got out slowly and followed Adie to the door. I knocked once and opened the door.
"Mom? It's me, mom," I called.
"I'm in the kitchen, hun!" Mom yelled.
We walked through. She came over and hugged me, then saw Adie.
"Ah, Adie, nice to see you, hun, how are you?" Mom smiled at her. Adie returned the smile with extreme effort.
"I'm... I'm... I guess I'm..." Adie didn't finish; my mom could tell something was wrong. Mom's are like that, you know?
"Billie? What's wrong?" She asked. She pulled out two chairs at the small kitchen table and Adie and I sat down.
"Mom... .I have..."
I couldn't. I couldn't bring myself to say it. Who could? Why was this me? Man... no one should have to tell their own mom that they are dying... ..
"Hun, please, tell me," Mom said, getting worried.
"It's... I have cancer, mom. I'm sorry," I said, tears in my eyes.
She looked completely blank for a second.
"We... we can fight it, don't worry, Billie, I'm here for you, all the way-"
She stopped when she saw I was shaking my head.
"I... I have three months," I said.
A single tear dripped down her face.
"First Andy... now you..."
"Mom," I said, sobbing, "Mom, please, don't-"
"It makes no sense, Billie... no sense at all..."
"What was that about?" I said.
"Oh...she's just weird like that," Ashley murmured distantly.
"Ok....can we talk?" I asked.
Ashley nodded and we sat on her bed.
"Am I really...your idol?" I asked.
She didn't speak for a second, just sat there, staring into space.
"Yeah...yes, you are."
I gazed at her for a second. There were so many questions I wanted to ask....
"Why did you try and...?"
"Kill myself?" She finished for me. I nodded sadly. She sighed.
"My life was just falling to pieces, and I was sick of being a reject, a misfit, a loner. And then I found you. You're music. It saved me..."
There was still one thing I didn't understand:
"Why have you been acting like you hate me?" I asked, kind of annoyed because she hadn't really made my life any easier.
She sighed again, and went over to the closet. Leigh came out and took one look at Ashley, then left the room. Ashley followed, but at the door, she turned back to me.
"Because sometimes, when you love someone as much as I love you, it's hard too bring yourself to face them."
She stared at me for a second, and then made to close the door.
"Wait!" I yelled and ran over.
She turned back to me.
"Why didn't you just tell me you loved me?" I asked desperately.
She looked at me sorrowfully. It was the first true expression I'd seen to come across her icy eyes.
"Come one Billie," She laughed bitterly. "We both know...we both know so well that...that I love you..." She sighed, "...Is never enough."
* * *
We shared a moment that will last till the end.....
When I finally got over what Ashley had said, and walked downstairs, she and Leigh were sitting at the kitchen table with a dumbstruck Adie.
They all looked up as I walked in.
Adie smiled.
I could see the tears in her eyes.
"Hey babe," She said warmly.
I could sense the fear in her voice.
I went at sat beside her. She slipped her arm around my waist.
I could feel the tension in her body.
I looked at her and started to cry again.
Shocked, she pulled me into a hug.
"Babe, sshhhh, don't cry, Billie, please, hunny, don't cry, I'm here, baby, I'm here," She soothed but-
I could hear the tremble of fear as she spoke.
"I-I don't want to die!" I choked. She rubbed my back and I heard the scraping of chairs.
"We're going for a walk," Ashley said.
I broke away from my wife and kissed her softly.
MY wife....my beautiful wife. She's all I've ever wanted.
Today's the Macy's Day parade.
The night of the living dead is on its way...
With a credit report for duty call.
It's a lifetime guarantee.
Stuffed in a coffin 10% more free.
Red light special at the mausoleum.
Give me something that I need.
Satisfaction guaranteed to you.
What's the consolation prize?
Economy sized dreams of hope.
When I was a kid, I thought...
I wanted all the things that I haven't got.
Oh, but I learned the hardest way.
Then I realized what it took...
To tell the difference between thieves and crooks.
A lesson learned for me and you.
Give me something that I need.
Satisfaction guaranteed...
'Cause I'm thinkin about a brand new hope.
The one I've never known.
'Cause now I know it's all that I wanted.
What's the consolation prize?
Economy sized dreams of hope.
Give me something that I need.
Satisfaction guaranteed.
'Cause I'm thinkin' about a brand new hope.
The one I've never known.
And where it goes...
And I'm thinkin' about the only road.
The one I've never known.
And where it goes...
And I'm thinkin' about a brand new hope.
The one I've never known.
'Cause now I know it's all that I wanted.
* * *
When I woke up the next morning with Adie in my arms, I felt so weak. I was losing energy, losing life, losing hope.
I walked downstairs, a thought going through my troubled mind that I didn't recognize.
How am I going to spend the next three months?
I walked into the kitchen. Joey and Jake were sitting eating pancakes. I walked over to them and sat opposite them. I knew I'd have to tell them sometime.
There's no time like the present.
"Jo? Jakey?" I said quietly. They looked up.
"Yeah, dad?" They said simultaneously.
"I have some....news. And it's not...good, not very good news, but I don't want you guys to take it the wrong way, ok?" I was trying not to cry, I couldn't bear this.
"Dad? What's wrong?" Joey said. I took a deep breath.
"Boys...I love you. I love you both.....just...daddy might not be with you guys much longer, ok? But don't worry, because maybe....maybe mommy will find a new daddy for you guys," I said. God, it was killing me, it was tearing me apart inside to have to tell them like this.
"But...." Jake began.
"Be quiet Jake," Joey said. Jake shook his head.
"Daddy? Where are you going?" Jake asked. I sighed and put my head in my hands.
"Jakey...Jakey, do you remember Snowball?" Joey asked. Jakey nodded earnstly. Snowball had been his goldfish....
"Well...you know that time when Snowball didn't wake up, and he stayed sleeping?" Joey said gently. Jakey looked at me sadly.
"Are you going to fall asleep, daddy?" He asked sorrowfully. I couldn't bear to see him like that.
"I- I will always love you, Jakey, Joey, I love you both....I just...."
"Jake, go play with your toys, yeah? Daddy's not leaving yet; we should be happy we have him now shouldn't we?" Joey persisted.
Jake nodded and shrugged, then hugged me.
"I love you daddy," He said.
"Jakey.....Jake, I love you too," I sighed.
"Just go play with your toys, Jake, ok?" Joey said. Jake nodded and left the room.
"Dad... you're dying, aren't you, dad?" Joey said, tears in his eyes. I nodded slowly and sadly.
"I have cancer, Jo... .I'm sorry," I said, starting to cry again. He shook his head and came over to hug me. I hugged him back.
"I don't want you to die, dad... ..I need a dad," He said, also crying. I hugged him tighter.
"Joey... .oh god, Joey, I am so damn sorry... .I'm sorry, Joey, I love you... ."
* * *
"Babe? Are you ready?"
I nodded and pulled on my jacket. We were going to see my mom today, me and Adie. To tell her that me, her son, was dying. Oh joy.
Ashley and Leigh were looking after Joey and Jake. Leigh hadn't been any bother, actually, and was basically a part of our family, after being here for two days. Joey liked her, and although he didn't like Ashley yet, it was a start, I guess.
We got in the car and I drove as slow as I could without causing a traffic jam; I wanted to take up as much time as possible.
Once we pulled up at the house, Adie got out. I sat there for a second, wondering how I'd tell her. Wondering how I could possibly tell my own mother that I was dying.
I got out slowly and followed Adie to the door. I knocked once and opened the door.
"Mom? It's me, mom," I called.
"I'm in the kitchen, hun!" Mom yelled.
We walked through. She came over and hugged me, then saw Adie.
"Ah, Adie, nice to see you, hun, how are you?" Mom smiled at her. Adie returned the smile with extreme effort.
"I'm... I'm... I guess I'm..." Adie didn't finish; my mom could tell something was wrong. Mom's are like that, you know?
"Billie? What's wrong?" She asked. She pulled out two chairs at the small kitchen table and Adie and I sat down.
"Mom... .I have..."
I couldn't. I couldn't bring myself to say it. Who could? Why was this me? Man... no one should have to tell their own mom that they are dying... ..
"Hun, please, tell me," Mom said, getting worried.
"It's... I have cancer, mom. I'm sorry," I said, tears in my eyes.
She looked completely blank for a second.
"We... we can fight it, don't worry, Billie, I'm here for you, all the way-"
She stopped when she saw I was shaking my head.
"I... I have three months," I said.
A single tear dripped down her face.
"First Andy... now you..."
"Mom," I said, sobbing, "Mom, please, don't-"
"It makes no sense, Billie... no sense at all..."
