And Like A Blade You'll Stain, chapter 2
Two days later things hadn't really changed. I was still too fucking emotional to care about anything- or maybe it was that I cared too much. Whatever it was, it was getting to Adie, and she was determined to make me happy.
"Let's go see a movie tonight," she said. So she called up Tre and asked him to come round and watch the boys. She had been really twitchy these last few days, and I figured she had something she wanted to tell me.
Nothing new was showing when we got there- it was all classics. Adie wanted to watch Titanic. I felt so distant from her throughout the whole movie, even though I could feel her hand in mine.
At the end I cried. Adie didn't even cry but I cried- and I hadn't even watched the whole damn film, just the bit where Jack and Rose are on the boat thing, and Rose is singing that song quietly and then Jack doesn't wake up and then he falls of the egde and into the water and then he's under but Rose is holding his hands but he's letting go and he's going down, down, down, down.....
I didn't want Adie, let alone anyone in the movie theatre, see me cry, so I ran off to the bathroom. Lucky for me it was deserted.
I wiped my eyes on rough paper towels, feeling them scratch painfully but carrying on. Because....
Because pain doesn't hurt when it's all you've ever felt.
I sniffed and looked at my reflection. I stared at myself, hating what I saw. Why was I like this? Why couldn't I be normal? Why did I have to be so different?
Because you are different.
No I'm not. I'm exactly the same as everyone else-
No you're not.
"I AM!" I screamed aloud. I quietened myself and stared around the room.
"Who are you?" I said, staring back at my reflection.
I could ask you the same question.
"WHO ARE YOU?!" I cried, tears coming down my face out of nowhere.
I'm you.
"NO! No! No, you're not me! I'M ME! I AM! NOT YOU!" I screamed. Someone walked into the bathroom and stared at me. I glared at them then back at myself in the mirror.
"Dude, are you alrig-"
"NO! No, I'm not fucking alright! DO I look alright?" I yelled at him. He turned around and quickly left. I looked down at my hands.
See? I'm right....
I looked up quickly.
"What?" I whispered.
Silence.
I was cracking up, I was hearing voices in my head. What is wrong with me?
I shook my head, trying to shake all the bad thoughts from it. I shuddered and washed my hands quickly, then left the room. Adie was waiting outside.
"Billie!" She said and hugged me.
"Are you ok? I heard screaming- was it you? Are you alright?"
"Yeah, Ades, I'm fine, course I am, and no, it was some kid screaming at his dad," I lied smoothly. She nodded and I wound my fingers around hers.
"Lets go," I said in her ear and kissed her softly. We walked home, talking about nothing and everything and something but I can't remember what.
After a while Adie became quiet- nervous, even. I looked at her and stopped walking.
"Whats wrong?" I asked and I could tell she was thinking "He knows me too well."
She sighed and sat me down on a nearby bench. She waited untill some passing cars had gone and turned to me.
"I- I have something to tell you, Billie," She said. "Something I found out yesterday....or rather, was reminded of. Because I've known for thirteen years - and it might change our lives."
I looked into her deep brown eyes and waited.
"I have a daughter."
-
We were on the plane to Scotland, so Adie could see her daughter. It was a long, long story.
Adie had previously dated Martin Mitchell, some guy, I don't know, and he was her best friend, Melanie's, best friend. So they dated a while and stuff and then they broke up- that was thirteen years ago, or thereabouts. Then Melanie started dating Martin and then they got married and Adie and Melanie stopped talking- and Melanie moved to Scotland. And then Adie got pregnant with Martins baby and he didn't want to bring it up with her, but she wanted it to have two parents so she gave it to Martin and Melanie to look after. And never got to see her again- until now.
They lived in some titchy town that no one had heard of- and it was a dump and completely boring. It reminded me of where I grew up.
When we arrived at the house, eventually, Ashley was at school. Melanie and Adie started talking about things, but I didn't know what to say to Marin. He was a lawyer, and was wearing a black suit and black tie like he was off to a funeral. Melanie, who I'd never met, was short and chubby, and looked kind of like a motherly figure. I knew this made Adie even more nervous.
We sat around awkwardly, sipping herbal tea and nibbling organic biscuits- when the front door slammed.
Melanie smiled nervously. "Ashley?" She called. "Ashley, could you come here a second?"
"Fucking hell, I'm just in the door, can I at least get changed out of these rags they call uniform?" came a voice. Martin rolled his eyes and Melanie sighed.
"She won't be long," Melanie said. Adie nodded slowly.
Suddenly a teenage girl burst into the room- dressed in a ramones shirt and black and red striped tie. On her feet were converse- but not matching, one was red and one was black. She had on skinny jeans and a lot of bracelets and spiky bangles and whatever. She had long, dirty-blonde hair, and a backwards baseball cap was shoved on her head. She glared at her dad and Melanie, not noticing Adie and I on the sofa behind the door.
"Well?" She said. Melanie looked at her.
"I- I have something to tell you, hunny-"
"My name is Ashley."
"Ok, ok, Melanie, dear, get to the point," Martin sighed.
"I- I'm not your mother," Melanie blurted. Ashley looked at her wierdly.
"Jeez, I didn't think you hated me that much," she said. Melanie shook her head.
"No, I mean this- I'm not your mother."
"Are you my dad?" Ashley asked Martin. He nodded, and then explained the long story, and thats when Ashley turned around and saw us.
"Mother fucker," she muttered.
"Lanuguage, Ashley," Melanie said gently.
"You can't tell me what to do. You're not my mother, remember? And when exactly were you planning on telling me?" Ashley said, getting angry. "And why the fuck is there a rockstar and his wife sitting on our couch?" she added, looking both angry and confused.
Adie stood up.
"I'm your mom," she said. Ashley stared at her, then at Melanie, then at her dad, then at me. She narrowed her eyes, then sat down oppisite us.
"So you two-" she pointed to me and Melanie- "Are absloutley fuck all to do with me?"
I nodded and Melanie rolled her eyes at Ashleys continuos swearing.
"And you two-" she pointed to Adie and Martin- "Are my parents?"
Adie nodded, and Martin patter her back. "I'm sorry we didn't tell you sooner, Ashley, but we-"
"So you think you can just come walzting back into my life and expect me to welcome you in with open arms?" she said to Adie. My wife stood there, not knowing what to say.
"Here now, Ashley, don't be too hard on her," Martin said.
"I'll be as hard as I want. I've been living with a fucking stranger as a mother and no ones bothered to tell me!" She slammed out of the room angrily. I looked at Adie. She looked crestfallen. I put my hand in hers and squeezed slightly. She squeezed back gratefully. Suddenly we heard music blaring from a room down the hall- it was me, it was green day. She was listening to No One Knows.
"Perhaps you'd like to go through and talk to her?" Melanie asked Adie. Adie nodded and moved towards the door slowly, before opening it and making her way down the hall.
I saw awkwardly with Melanie and Martin, not knowing what to do or say. The music went off, and there was silence.
"Do you want to-?" Melanie began.
"Yes," I said and got up. I walked down the hall and heard voices coming from behind a closed door. The door had a sign on it saying "F.O.D. and if you don't know what that means then you're a dumber than a rock." I smiled slightly and knocked softly.
I opened the door and Adie looked up, as did Ashley. Adie smiled.
"Hey," she said. She was sitting beside Ashley on her bed. I looked around the room. One wall was covered in green day posters, lyrics and pictures. Another was plain white and flecked with multi-coloured paint drips. The third wall had messages and graffiti written all over it. The fourth and final wall was entirely black and written on it white, was "I'd rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I am not."
And then I looked at Ashley. She looked back at me, a wondering expression on her face.
"I'm Billie," I said finally, and stuck out my hand. She looked at my hand and said "Ashley." She didn't shake it.
"So....nice room," I said shortly. She nodded. "Thanks."
Adie smiled and looked back at Ashley.
"So.....I was just saying, that if Ashley wanted, she could.....come back with us. For a while," Adie said slowly. I nodded. It would be like having my own daughter- and I'd always wanted a daughter. Don't get me wrong, I love my boys to death, but I'd longed for a dughter scince as long as I can remember.
"So....what do you think about that?" I asked Ashley.
She shrugged. Iwas guessing she was shy- judging by her walls, she kind of was a fan. I decided to let her think and saw a large collection of cd's.
"Mind if I take a look?" I asked her. She shook her head.
"No, go ahead," she said. I picked up the top one- International Superhits. Next was Three Cheers For Sweet Revenge- My Chemical Romance, then American Idiot, then Dookie, Nimrod, Warning, Still Not Getting Any- by Simple Plan, 20th Century Masters, The Best Of The Who: The Millenium Collection- by The Who, obviously.
"You have great music taste," I said, looking up. She smiled slightly.
"Thanks," she said.
"So- about coming with us for a while," Adie said. "How about it?"
Ashley looked down at her mismatched converse and then back up at Adie.
"Anywheres better than here, I guess."
"Let's go see a movie tonight," she said. So she called up Tre and asked him to come round and watch the boys. She had been really twitchy these last few days, and I figured she had something she wanted to tell me.
Nothing new was showing when we got there- it was all classics. Adie wanted to watch Titanic. I felt so distant from her throughout the whole movie, even though I could feel her hand in mine.
At the end I cried. Adie didn't even cry but I cried- and I hadn't even watched the whole damn film, just the bit where Jack and Rose are on the boat thing, and Rose is singing that song quietly and then Jack doesn't wake up and then he falls of the egde and into the water and then he's under but Rose is holding his hands but he's letting go and he's going down, down, down, down.....
I didn't want Adie, let alone anyone in the movie theatre, see me cry, so I ran off to the bathroom. Lucky for me it was deserted.
I wiped my eyes on rough paper towels, feeling them scratch painfully but carrying on. Because....
Because pain doesn't hurt when it's all you've ever felt.
I sniffed and looked at my reflection. I stared at myself, hating what I saw. Why was I like this? Why couldn't I be normal? Why did I have to be so different?
Because you are different.
No I'm not. I'm exactly the same as everyone else-
No you're not.
"I AM!" I screamed aloud. I quietened myself and stared around the room.
"Who are you?" I said, staring back at my reflection.
I could ask you the same question.
"WHO ARE YOU?!" I cried, tears coming down my face out of nowhere.
I'm you.
"NO! No! No, you're not me! I'M ME! I AM! NOT YOU!" I screamed. Someone walked into the bathroom and stared at me. I glared at them then back at myself in the mirror.
"Dude, are you alrig-"
"NO! No, I'm not fucking alright! DO I look alright?" I yelled at him. He turned around and quickly left. I looked down at my hands.
See? I'm right....
I looked up quickly.
"What?" I whispered.
Silence.
I was cracking up, I was hearing voices in my head. What is wrong with me?
I shook my head, trying to shake all the bad thoughts from it. I shuddered and washed my hands quickly, then left the room. Adie was waiting outside.
"Billie!" She said and hugged me.
"Are you ok? I heard screaming- was it you? Are you alright?"
"Yeah, Ades, I'm fine, course I am, and no, it was some kid screaming at his dad," I lied smoothly. She nodded and I wound my fingers around hers.
"Lets go," I said in her ear and kissed her softly. We walked home, talking about nothing and everything and something but I can't remember what.
After a while Adie became quiet- nervous, even. I looked at her and stopped walking.
"Whats wrong?" I asked and I could tell she was thinking "He knows me too well."
She sighed and sat me down on a nearby bench. She waited untill some passing cars had gone and turned to me.
"I- I have something to tell you, Billie," She said. "Something I found out yesterday....or rather, was reminded of. Because I've known for thirteen years - and it might change our lives."
I looked into her deep brown eyes and waited.
"I have a daughter."
-
We were on the plane to Scotland, so Adie could see her daughter. It was a long, long story.
Adie had previously dated Martin Mitchell, some guy, I don't know, and he was her best friend, Melanie's, best friend. So they dated a while and stuff and then they broke up- that was thirteen years ago, or thereabouts. Then Melanie started dating Martin and then they got married and Adie and Melanie stopped talking- and Melanie moved to Scotland. And then Adie got pregnant with Martins baby and he didn't want to bring it up with her, but she wanted it to have two parents so she gave it to Martin and Melanie to look after. And never got to see her again- until now.
They lived in some titchy town that no one had heard of- and it was a dump and completely boring. It reminded me of where I grew up.
When we arrived at the house, eventually, Ashley was at school. Melanie and Adie started talking about things, but I didn't know what to say to Marin. He was a lawyer, and was wearing a black suit and black tie like he was off to a funeral. Melanie, who I'd never met, was short and chubby, and looked kind of like a motherly figure. I knew this made Adie even more nervous.
We sat around awkwardly, sipping herbal tea and nibbling organic biscuits- when the front door slammed.
Melanie smiled nervously. "Ashley?" She called. "Ashley, could you come here a second?"
"Fucking hell, I'm just in the door, can I at least get changed out of these rags they call uniform?" came a voice. Martin rolled his eyes and Melanie sighed.
"She won't be long," Melanie said. Adie nodded slowly.
Suddenly a teenage girl burst into the room- dressed in a ramones shirt and black and red striped tie. On her feet were converse- but not matching, one was red and one was black. She had on skinny jeans and a lot of bracelets and spiky bangles and whatever. She had long, dirty-blonde hair, and a backwards baseball cap was shoved on her head. She glared at her dad and Melanie, not noticing Adie and I on the sofa behind the door.
"Well?" She said. Melanie looked at her.
"I- I have something to tell you, hunny-"
"My name is Ashley."
"Ok, ok, Melanie, dear, get to the point," Martin sighed.
"I- I'm not your mother," Melanie blurted. Ashley looked at her wierdly.
"Jeez, I didn't think you hated me that much," she said. Melanie shook her head.
"No, I mean this- I'm not your mother."
"Are you my dad?" Ashley asked Martin. He nodded, and then explained the long story, and thats when Ashley turned around and saw us.
"Mother fucker," she muttered.
"Lanuguage, Ashley," Melanie said gently.
"You can't tell me what to do. You're not my mother, remember? And when exactly were you planning on telling me?" Ashley said, getting angry. "And why the fuck is there a rockstar and his wife sitting on our couch?" she added, looking both angry and confused.
Adie stood up.
"I'm your mom," she said. Ashley stared at her, then at Melanie, then at her dad, then at me. She narrowed her eyes, then sat down oppisite us.
"So you two-" she pointed to me and Melanie- "Are absloutley fuck all to do with me?"
I nodded and Melanie rolled her eyes at Ashleys continuos swearing.
"And you two-" she pointed to Adie and Martin- "Are my parents?"
Adie nodded, and Martin patter her back. "I'm sorry we didn't tell you sooner, Ashley, but we-"
"So you think you can just come walzting back into my life and expect me to welcome you in with open arms?" she said to Adie. My wife stood there, not knowing what to say.
"Here now, Ashley, don't be too hard on her," Martin said.
"I'll be as hard as I want. I've been living with a fucking stranger as a mother and no ones bothered to tell me!" She slammed out of the room angrily. I looked at Adie. She looked crestfallen. I put my hand in hers and squeezed slightly. She squeezed back gratefully. Suddenly we heard music blaring from a room down the hall- it was me, it was green day. She was listening to No One Knows.
"Perhaps you'd like to go through and talk to her?" Melanie asked Adie. Adie nodded and moved towards the door slowly, before opening it and making her way down the hall.
I saw awkwardly with Melanie and Martin, not knowing what to do or say. The music went off, and there was silence.
"Do you want to-?" Melanie began.
"Yes," I said and got up. I walked down the hall and heard voices coming from behind a closed door. The door had a sign on it saying "F.O.D. and if you don't know what that means then you're a dumber than a rock." I smiled slightly and knocked softly.
I opened the door and Adie looked up, as did Ashley. Adie smiled.
"Hey," she said. She was sitting beside Ashley on her bed. I looked around the room. One wall was covered in green day posters, lyrics and pictures. Another was plain white and flecked with multi-coloured paint drips. The third wall had messages and graffiti written all over it. The fourth and final wall was entirely black and written on it white, was "I'd rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I am not."
And then I looked at Ashley. She looked back at me, a wondering expression on her face.
"I'm Billie," I said finally, and stuck out my hand. She looked at my hand and said "Ashley." She didn't shake it.
"So....nice room," I said shortly. She nodded. "Thanks."
Adie smiled and looked back at Ashley.
"So.....I was just saying, that if Ashley wanted, she could.....come back with us. For a while," Adie said slowly. I nodded. It would be like having my own daughter- and I'd always wanted a daughter. Don't get me wrong, I love my boys to death, but I'd longed for a dughter scince as long as I can remember.
"So....what do you think about that?" I asked Ashley.
She shrugged. Iwas guessing she was shy- judging by her walls, she kind of was a fan. I decided to let her think and saw a large collection of cd's.
"Mind if I take a look?" I asked her. She shook her head.
"No, go ahead," she said. I picked up the top one- International Superhits. Next was Three Cheers For Sweet Revenge- My Chemical Romance, then American Idiot, then Dookie, Nimrod, Warning, Still Not Getting Any- by Simple Plan, 20th Century Masters, The Best Of The Who: The Millenium Collection- by The Who, obviously.
"You have great music taste," I said, looking up. She smiled slightly.
"Thanks," she said.
"So- about coming with us for a while," Adie said. "How about it?"
Ashley looked down at her mismatched converse and then back up at Adie.
"Anywheres better than here, I guess."
