What a Loser I am for Doing This, But I Don't Regret It, chapter 1
"Anastasia, why are you being like this? I thought we-"
"Billie, we had nothing, okay? All I need is somebody who feels good being with me, and somebody that gives me more, than what you ever gave me this past month."
"Ann, I gave you everything I had to give, I feel so useless right now."
"Then, go ahead, feel useless, cause you're not counting on me to make this all alright, anymore."
"Ann, please, I'll try harder, anything!"
"Sorry billie, but what's done is done, bye."
Man! i can't believe this is happening to me! Right when everything was going alright, or so I thought. All I knew was that I was a complete idiot, thinking that I could be enough, just everything to her, but I failed. Just to tell the truth, I had nothing to give to her, I didn't have enough money to take her out, buy her nice clothes, just spoil her in particular. I was just a cheap punk rocker, thats all. If she only knew how I felt right now, she would just drop everythng and hold me in her arms, just as I would kiss her passionately, but that had to be way far from my mind. I figured that, since I was bi, I needed to experiment a little bit, to see how it was like.
'Cause all I had in my mind was girls, and finding ways how to get to them, or mess them up, but with guys, it would be completely different. I would start fresh, and wouldn't hurt a soul, but how could I do that? Maybe I should just be single for all I care, I mean I haven't had any luck with all the girls I've gone out with, and why bother?
Anyways, I manged to get up from my bedroom floor, hang up the phone, and start cleaning my room a little bit, because I couldn't stand looking at the mess any more. There were shirts here and there, cigarrate butts, empty beer bottles, punk cds scatterd on the floor and my pair of chucks on the corner. I finally ,anaged to clean everything off the floor and either throw it away, or put it in my closet, or under the bed. Then, my phone started going off, I answered it.
"Yeah?"
"Um, Billie, I'm sorry."
"For what Ann? you said what's done is done."
"I didn't mean it."
"You didn't mean a word?"
"I didn't."
"Oh, alright."
"Baby! Come here, I miss you already!"
"Who's that?"
"Nobody, please, I'll make it up to you."
"No you won't Anne, I know you won't, just let things be, and go back to your lover."
"What?"
"You heard me, bye Anne, before you make things worse already."
"But..."
"Bye Anne."
That witch, after she throws our relationship on my face, she expects me to roll over and play dead? I don't think so. I was mad at everythig right now, even mad at myself for going out with that witch. I felt so useless, like everybody used me as their security blanket. Right then, I figured that I'm not going to be that anymore, and that I'll walk down the road alone. I didn't even wanna go to school anymore, but I had to, or I'll be a disapointment to my dad, and I didn't want to hurt him for my mistakes. I slipped on my chucks and a black hoodie, slumped down the stairs, and out the door, I needed a long walk. Once I stopped, I found my park, where the old orchard tree was standing, waiting to overshadow my problems.
I headed towards it and sat down against the trunk. Without realizing it, tears streamed down my face. I tried to hold them, back, but I just let them fall, then I pulled out my almost empty cig box, and pulled out one. I lit it with my whit lighter and just let the smoke fill the air. I whiped my tears with the back of my sleeve, and kept taking long drags. I was too caught up in my thoughts, that I didn't realize a stranger sat next to me. He looked my way and said, "What's wrong pal?" I looked up at him with tear stained eyes, and he wiped away me tears with his thumb. I felt weird, but the same time I liked it, so I let him.
He later asked,"Feel better now?"
I nodded and said, "Yeah, thanks," he replied shrugging.
"No problem, I'm Joey," he took out his hand for me to shake.
I took it and said, "Billie."
"Billie, we had nothing, okay? All I need is somebody who feels good being with me, and somebody that gives me more, than what you ever gave me this past month."
"Ann, I gave you everything I had to give, I feel so useless right now."
"Then, go ahead, feel useless, cause you're not counting on me to make this all alright, anymore."
"Ann, please, I'll try harder, anything!"
"Sorry billie, but what's done is done, bye."
Man! i can't believe this is happening to me! Right when everything was going alright, or so I thought. All I knew was that I was a complete idiot, thinking that I could be enough, just everything to her, but I failed. Just to tell the truth, I had nothing to give to her, I didn't have enough money to take her out, buy her nice clothes, just spoil her in particular. I was just a cheap punk rocker, thats all. If she only knew how I felt right now, she would just drop everythng and hold me in her arms, just as I would kiss her passionately, but that had to be way far from my mind. I figured that, since I was bi, I needed to experiment a little bit, to see how it was like.
'Cause all I had in my mind was girls, and finding ways how to get to them, or mess them up, but with guys, it would be completely different. I would start fresh, and wouldn't hurt a soul, but how could I do that? Maybe I should just be single for all I care, I mean I haven't had any luck with all the girls I've gone out with, and why bother?
Anyways, I manged to get up from my bedroom floor, hang up the phone, and start cleaning my room a little bit, because I couldn't stand looking at the mess any more. There were shirts here and there, cigarrate butts, empty beer bottles, punk cds scatterd on the floor and my pair of chucks on the corner. I finally ,anaged to clean everything off the floor and either throw it away, or put it in my closet, or under the bed. Then, my phone started going off, I answered it.
"Yeah?"
"Um, Billie, I'm sorry."
"For what Ann? you said what's done is done."
"I didn't mean it."
"You didn't mean a word?"
"I didn't."
"Oh, alright."
"Baby! Come here, I miss you already!"
"Who's that?"
"Nobody, please, I'll make it up to you."
"No you won't Anne, I know you won't, just let things be, and go back to your lover."
"What?"
"You heard me, bye Anne, before you make things worse already."
"But..."
"Bye Anne."
That witch, after she throws our relationship on my face, she expects me to roll over and play dead? I don't think so. I was mad at everythig right now, even mad at myself for going out with that witch. I felt so useless, like everybody used me as their security blanket. Right then, I figured that I'm not going to be that anymore, and that I'll walk down the road alone. I didn't even wanna go to school anymore, but I had to, or I'll be a disapointment to my dad, and I didn't want to hurt him for my mistakes. I slipped on my chucks and a black hoodie, slumped down the stairs, and out the door, I needed a long walk. Once I stopped, I found my park, where the old orchard tree was standing, waiting to overshadow my problems.
I headed towards it and sat down against the trunk. Without realizing it, tears streamed down my face. I tried to hold them, back, but I just let them fall, then I pulled out my almost empty cig box, and pulled out one. I lit it with my whit lighter and just let the smoke fill the air. I whiped my tears with the back of my sleeve, and kept taking long drags. I was too caught up in my thoughts, that I didn't realize a stranger sat next to me. He looked my way and said, "What's wrong pal?" I looked up at him with tear stained eyes, and he wiped away me tears with his thumb. I felt weird, but the same time I liked it, so I let him.
He later asked,"Feel better now?"
I nodded and said, "Yeah, thanks," he replied shrugging.
"No problem, I'm Joey," he took out his hand for me to shake.
I took it and said, "Billie."
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