Pâle Septembre, chapter 4
Billie took the kids to school and Tre left to stare aimlessly at the wall at his own house, leaving Adrienne suddenly sick with disgust as she scrubbed at the bottom of the car.
She had totally forgotten to clean the damn thing and even now, as she was adding more mind spinning chemicals to the floor, she felt she should just burn the thing to ash.
She gripped the scrub brush in her right hand and worked at the carpet so hard that dirt from 6 years ago, were surely now out. She sat back, exhausted and hot-wiping her brow with her free arm, sighing in complete frustration. How was she supposed to get over such a thing in such a small amount of time? Now that she was alone she allowed herself to nurse her wounds. Popping a pain killer and relaxing subtly on the couch.
She felt her eyes droop as she flipped channels on the news, her face not even showing emotion when "Two Young Girls Raped and Found Dead in Gentilic Forest," flashed across the screen in a news report. She paused on it, however, long enough to allow the thought, "at least you're alive, Adrienne. Fucking get over yourself, people get raped all the time," slip into her mind.
Deep inside she knew she had a reason to complain the slightest bit and she was fully aware telling Billie would not make him love her less. But somehow these thoughts were contaminating her mind and the single need to not be pitied danced amongst them.
She was nodding off to a much needed sleep when Billie let himself in, accidentally running into the same cabinet.
"SHIT," He cried rubbing his forehead as walked into the living room. "We really need to remember to close that thing"
He pouted as he plopped himself down next to Adrienne, crossing his arms and acting like a child.
Adrienne couldn't help but feel annoyed. Her whole body ached and not to mention her pride broken and shattered and here he was complaining about a cabinet door. She quickly shook the thoughts from her mind as she softened her facial expression and kissed his forehead sweetly.
'He was just playing, Adrienne,' she thought, 'Stop acting like a completely melodramatic abyssal and get over yourself.'
"When do you think you'll come back?" She asked once Billie's pout formed into a contempt smile.
"Eh, in around 4 weeks," he said carelessly, grabbing the remote and changing the channel to a slightly more cheerful show.
"4 weeks?" Adrienne moaned, leaning her head against the couch's back. She knew she was being overly difficult, but four weeks fell shot of the "visit in a little while" she was anticipating.
"Well, at least it's not a whole fucking month," Billie said crossly feeling quiet underappreciated for his attempts to visit the family while keeping a hectic tour afloat.
"Billie," Adrienne said bluntly, lolling her head so that she was looking at Billie incredulously. "Do you know how many days are in a week?"
"7," he snapped.
"Do you know how many days 4 weeks are made of?" Adrienne now said in fake sweetness.
"I-" Billie opened and closed his mouth objectively. He sat back in clear thought for a moment.
"28," Adrienne said , "And do you know how many days are in a month?"
"Adrienne, I'm not stupid," Billie grumbled scooting away from the irritable Adie. "Just because I don't have a diploma..." Billie started but stopped himself mid sentence to let out a long sigh followed closely behind by a long silence.
"Look," Billie finally spoke, moving his hand so it laid on top of hers in a charismatic consignation "I know it's a long time, and I've only been home for 2 weeks," He said the last part in exasperated tiredness, his eyes closing slightly to express his fatigue.
"But I'm trying as hard as I can to be here," He opened them again, his tiredness replaced with desperation. "I really am."
Adrienne looked away from his eyes in fear he'd coax her into telling him what's really up.
"I just..." She started, stopping suddenly when she felt her throat close. She wasn't going to cry.
"You just?" Billie asked calmly lightly pressing against their enclosed hands on the couch.
And then it just came out--she couldn't help it; tears starting streaming down her face as she attached herself to Billie's oblivious body. Billie cautiously wrapped his arms around her shivering shoulders and stroked her hair--his motives in pure confusion.
"Adie?" He whispered, not knowing exactly what to do as the sobbing Adrienne gripped the back of his shirt. "Adie, what's wrong?"
Maybe she should say it. Maybe she should tell. Maybe if she told him what had happened--he'd cancel the tour and stay with her so that maybe this couldn't happen again.
Or maybe she was being completely neurotic.
Adrienne pried herself from Billie's body and slumped back into the couch defiantly. Billie wouldn't cancel the tour; he might postpone it--but this is his life. He'd have to leave eventually.
"Adrienne," Billie said again a little more sternly, grabbing her hands tightly--his fingers pressing against the bruises sending pain through her veins. She instinctively pulled her hands away from Billie's, her eyes widening in pain as she examined her wrists through tears.
Billie obviously took it the wrong way as his eyebrows laced together in frustration. "Adrienne, what the fuck is wrong?"
Adrienne glanced up at him, her hair falling in her eyes--hiding the pain residing in the brown orbs.
"Billie" She tried again, attempting to swallow her sobs. "Billie, I'm so sorry."
"Adie, what?" He asked again, his eyes softening as Adrienne attempted to wipe the smudges of eyeliner circling her bottom lid. Her sobs had turned to forced hiccups and the tears stopped falling.
"Billie, I just," She paused for a moment, her eyes staring at her wrists--the bruises well hidden by the assortment of bracelets she wore. She thought about the disgust smeared across Billie's face when he'd find out--the pity consuming his actions. No longer would he touch her of love but of sorrow and guilt. "I just kind of snapped."
Billie looked at her incredulously as if to scoff "seriously?" yet he remained silent, waiting for Adrienne to continue.
"I... it's....Billie, it's really hard for me," She sniffed, wiping tears from her eyes. "You're home for a few weeks and then leave for several months and I just miss you so incredibly much." She wasn't lying... yet she wasn't telling the truth for her breakdown, which in her mind was wrong. This was causing her to lie to her own husband.
Billie sighed and wrapped a wary arm around her shoulders, pulling her until she leaned limply on his shoulders, resting her head against his. They just stayed like that for a few minutes--the known fact that nothing comforting could possibly be said and remain honest.
After several minutes Adrienne once again wiped any excess tears from under her eyes and brought her knees to her chest.
"I'm sorry," she said quietly in Billie's ear who had his eyes closed in thought. "You don't deserve this. Me to just dump this on you, I know you try hard to be here."
Billie opened one eye and looked at Adrienne subtly, her hair rubbing against his cheek in a soothing matter.
"Adie, it was bound to happen sometime."
"What was?"
"This," Billie sighed, running his hands through her dreadlocks.
Adrienne knew he was referring to her complete breakdown of loneliness on his unexpected shoulder, but somehow she got the feeling he was accusing her. Accusing her of being weak and naïve--accusing her of her own rape. It was her fault she was stupid enough to trust the man, her fault she was out that late anyway. Was she dressed suggestively? Did she bring this upon herself?
She had totally forgotten to clean the damn thing and even now, as she was adding more mind spinning chemicals to the floor, she felt she should just burn the thing to ash.
She gripped the scrub brush in her right hand and worked at the carpet so hard that dirt from 6 years ago, were surely now out. She sat back, exhausted and hot-wiping her brow with her free arm, sighing in complete frustration. How was she supposed to get over such a thing in such a small amount of time? Now that she was alone she allowed herself to nurse her wounds. Popping a pain killer and relaxing subtly on the couch.
She felt her eyes droop as she flipped channels on the news, her face not even showing emotion when "Two Young Girls Raped and Found Dead in Gentilic Forest," flashed across the screen in a news report. She paused on it, however, long enough to allow the thought, "at least you're alive, Adrienne. Fucking get over yourself, people get raped all the time," slip into her mind.
Deep inside she knew she had a reason to complain the slightest bit and she was fully aware telling Billie would not make him love her less. But somehow these thoughts were contaminating her mind and the single need to not be pitied danced amongst them.
She was nodding off to a much needed sleep when Billie let himself in, accidentally running into the same cabinet.
"SHIT," He cried rubbing his forehead as walked into the living room. "We really need to remember to close that thing"
He pouted as he plopped himself down next to Adrienne, crossing his arms and acting like a child.
Adrienne couldn't help but feel annoyed. Her whole body ached and not to mention her pride broken and shattered and here he was complaining about a cabinet door. She quickly shook the thoughts from her mind as she softened her facial expression and kissed his forehead sweetly.
'He was just playing, Adrienne,' she thought, 'Stop acting like a completely melodramatic abyssal and get over yourself.'
"When do you think you'll come back?" She asked once Billie's pout formed into a contempt smile.
"Eh, in around 4 weeks," he said carelessly, grabbing the remote and changing the channel to a slightly more cheerful show.
"4 weeks?" Adrienne moaned, leaning her head against the couch's back. She knew she was being overly difficult, but four weeks fell shot of the "visit in a little while" she was anticipating.
"Well, at least it's not a whole fucking month," Billie said crossly feeling quiet underappreciated for his attempts to visit the family while keeping a hectic tour afloat.
"Billie," Adrienne said bluntly, lolling her head so that she was looking at Billie incredulously. "Do you know how many days are in a week?"
"7," he snapped.
"Do you know how many days 4 weeks are made of?" Adrienne now said in fake sweetness.
"I-" Billie opened and closed his mouth objectively. He sat back in clear thought for a moment.
"28," Adrienne said , "And do you know how many days are in a month?"
"Adrienne, I'm not stupid," Billie grumbled scooting away from the irritable Adie. "Just because I don't have a diploma..." Billie started but stopped himself mid sentence to let out a long sigh followed closely behind by a long silence.
"Look," Billie finally spoke, moving his hand so it laid on top of hers in a charismatic consignation "I know it's a long time, and I've only been home for 2 weeks," He said the last part in exasperated tiredness, his eyes closing slightly to express his fatigue.
"But I'm trying as hard as I can to be here," He opened them again, his tiredness replaced with desperation. "I really am."
Adrienne looked away from his eyes in fear he'd coax her into telling him what's really up.
"I just..." She started, stopping suddenly when she felt her throat close. She wasn't going to cry.
"You just?" Billie asked calmly lightly pressing against their enclosed hands on the couch.
And then it just came out--she couldn't help it; tears starting streaming down her face as she attached herself to Billie's oblivious body. Billie cautiously wrapped his arms around her shivering shoulders and stroked her hair--his motives in pure confusion.
"Adie?" He whispered, not knowing exactly what to do as the sobbing Adrienne gripped the back of his shirt. "Adie, what's wrong?"
Maybe she should say it. Maybe she should tell. Maybe if she told him what had happened--he'd cancel the tour and stay with her so that maybe this couldn't happen again.
Or maybe she was being completely neurotic.
Adrienne pried herself from Billie's body and slumped back into the couch defiantly. Billie wouldn't cancel the tour; he might postpone it--but this is his life. He'd have to leave eventually.
"Adrienne," Billie said again a little more sternly, grabbing her hands tightly--his fingers pressing against the bruises sending pain through her veins. She instinctively pulled her hands away from Billie's, her eyes widening in pain as she examined her wrists through tears.
Billie obviously took it the wrong way as his eyebrows laced together in frustration. "Adrienne, what the fuck is wrong?"
Adrienne glanced up at him, her hair falling in her eyes--hiding the pain residing in the brown orbs.
"Billie" She tried again, attempting to swallow her sobs. "Billie, I'm so sorry."
"Adie, what?" He asked again, his eyes softening as Adrienne attempted to wipe the smudges of eyeliner circling her bottom lid. Her sobs had turned to forced hiccups and the tears stopped falling.
"Billie, I just," She paused for a moment, her eyes staring at her wrists--the bruises well hidden by the assortment of bracelets she wore. She thought about the disgust smeared across Billie's face when he'd find out--the pity consuming his actions. No longer would he touch her of love but of sorrow and guilt. "I just kind of snapped."
Billie looked at her incredulously as if to scoff "seriously?" yet he remained silent, waiting for Adrienne to continue.
"I... it's....Billie, it's really hard for me," She sniffed, wiping tears from her eyes. "You're home for a few weeks and then leave for several months and I just miss you so incredibly much." She wasn't lying... yet she wasn't telling the truth for her breakdown, which in her mind was wrong. This was causing her to lie to her own husband.
Billie sighed and wrapped a wary arm around her shoulders, pulling her until she leaned limply on his shoulders, resting her head against his. They just stayed like that for a few minutes--the known fact that nothing comforting could possibly be said and remain honest.
After several minutes Adrienne once again wiped any excess tears from under her eyes and brought her knees to her chest.
"I'm sorry," she said quietly in Billie's ear who had his eyes closed in thought. "You don't deserve this. Me to just dump this on you, I know you try hard to be here."
Billie opened one eye and looked at Adrienne subtly, her hair rubbing against his cheek in a soothing matter.
"Adie, it was bound to happen sometime."
"What was?"
"This," Billie sighed, running his hands through her dreadlocks.
Adrienne knew he was referring to her complete breakdown of loneliness on his unexpected shoulder, but somehow she got the feeling he was accusing her. Accusing her of being weak and naïve--accusing her of her own rape. It was her fault she was stupid enough to trust the man, her fault she was out that late anyway. Was she dressed suggestively? Did she bring this upon herself?
