In A Daze, With Far Away Eyes, chapter 2
In all my 26 years, I had never cut. Never even thought about it. But, I got in my room that night I pulled my shirt off and took my pocket knife out of my bag and started at the middle of my forarm and just etched lines into my skin. I couldn't believe what I was doing, but it felt so much better.
I wrapped my arm in a towel and lay back. What the hell is going on? How could I do this to Adie? And with Emilee? I didn't even know her. I felt tears roll down face. I sat up, buried my head in my hands and bawled my eyes out. I hadn't done it in so long. I thought about taking that knife and jabbing it through my chest, but knew it would be useless. It wouldn't change what I did to her. I lay back down on my stomach and buried my face in the pillow. I must have fallen asleep because when I opened my eyes I was staring up at the ceiling and Mike was sitting on the chair in the corner.
"What are you doing in here?" I asked.
He got up and walked over to me and took the loose towel off my arm, revealing red puffy cuts from my forearm to almost the top of my shoulder.
"What happened?" He asked, not sounding shocked, but angry.
I didn't say anything.
"What happened, Billie!?" He threw the towel at me.
I tossed the towel on the floor and grabbed my shirt. "I have a party to get to."
"Adie called. She said to remind you you're not invited."
"Not if she doesn't know I'm there." I slammed the door but Mike came after me.
Before I reached the front door, he slammed me against the wall.
"What the fuck happened last night, Billie?" He held my shoulders down.
"Fuck off!" I tried moving, but it was useless. I was weak.
"You had sex with her didn't you?"
I stopped. He had seen us. I just hope he kept his mouth shut.
"What are you talking about?" I asked, acting like I didn't know what he meant.
"I saw you go out there, man. You didn't come in for about 10 minutes so I looked out the window. There you were."
"Mike, I have to go see my son."
"What did she do to your arm?" He held tighter. He was hurting the cuts close to my shoulder. I felt a warm blood drop slide down my bicep.
"Nothing. I did it, now let me go and I'll talk about it later!" I kicked him in the leg and took off out the door.
I crouched behind the bushes in the backyard, trying to catch Joey's eye without catching the eye of his mother, too. Finally, he made his way over.
"Daddy!" He gave me a hug. I made it quick so no one would get suspicious.
"Hey, buddy. How's your party?"
"Fun. Why aren't you here with me?" he asked, staring sadly at me with my eyes.
"Mom and me had a fight. It's okay though it will all be settled soon, I promise." I smiled softly.
He smiled back. He was missing a tooth in the front. It was so cute. He looked over at my shoulder. "You're bleeding."
I looked down and quickly hid my left arm behind a shrub.
"Yeah, it's just a scratch. I'm okay. Listen, buddy, I have to go before your mom sees me. I promise I will see you again tonight. I'm gonna come talk to your mom. You can't tell here I was here, okay?"
He nodded. A small tear fell from his eye. I wiped it away with my thumb, but that didn't stop mine from falling. "I'll be back." I kissed him on the forehead and wished him a happy birthday. I headed back to my car and lay my head on the steering wheel. This was horrible. It would have been so much easier if it hadn't have been for last night. Why did this have to happen? I had to talk to Adie. I had to tell her. No matter what the cost, she has to know.
I drove down the street to a payphone and dialed the house. Finally after a few rings, Adie's sweet voice answered.
"Hello?"
"Adie, it's me. Listen I know you're busy right now but I have to talk to you."
"Well, you're right, I am busy, so bye."
"Adrienne, please, just tell me you'll talk to me. Tonight. I'll be there around 8."
"Are you crying?"
"Just please tell me."
There was a pause. Then a sigh.
"Fine. I have to go. Bye." She hung up. I placed the phone back on the hook and leaned against the wall. At least I know she will listen. It's just telling her that would be the hard part. I drove back to Mike's, afraid of what chaos awaited me when I opened the door.
Mike was sitting on the couch. I walked in and he looked up.
"Where's Ana?" I asked.
"Store," He said, taking a swig from his Jim Beam. I sighed and sat down next to him.
"So you gonna tell me what's going on?" He asked.
"Last night Emilee came over. I tried to get rid of her but, well, you know how she is?" Mike nodded.
"Well, something happened and the next thing I know, I'm on top of her," I said bluntly.
"Did you talk to Adie?"
"No. I'm going tonight. I just went to see Joey. He doesn't deserve a dad who does shit like this. Maybe it would be best for me and Adie to split."
"Don't say that. You and Adie are the definition of true love. You guys will work this all out," He said, clasping me on my shoulder. I nodded.
"Now what happened to your arm? You didn't clarify."
"After we did it, I came in and cut."
"You've never done that before. What the hell made you think of that?" He asked. "Why didn't you come wake me up?"
"Well I didn't wanna jam the knife through my chest and I didn't wanna wake you up so-"
"Billie, you're full of shit! Next time, come get me! We're a band! You, me and Tre! I mean the least you could have done was call Tre!"
I began to feel even worse than I had before I told him about it. There was a few moments of silence.
"Billie, this is really scaring me," He finally said.
"Me too," I said. "And not just the cutting. I don't wanna lose her, Mike." I began to cry again. I just couldn't stop. Until those last few hours I hadn't cried since Joey was born. Now I was a floodgate.
Mike wrapped an arm around my shoulder. "You two will work it out. If not, then maybe it wasn't meant to be."
That night I knocked on the door and Joey ran and opened it. He must have known I was coming because as soon as the door opened he threw his little arms around my legs. I picked him up and hugged him close. Adie came to the door and told me to come in. She sent Joey to his room and he went hesitantly. I sat down at the table across from her. Her cold eyes were burning a hole in me.
"So what do you wanna talk about?"
"I wanna explain something to you and before you completely blow it out of proportion, just listen." She looked down at her coffee and then looked up and nodded.
I explained what happened the night Mike caught me in the bedroom with Emilee again. Then I slowly worked into the story about the night before and showed her the cuts on my arm. I knew it was a losing battle but I finally ended my story.
"Everything that happened was just this big mistake. I don't know why I had sex with her. Honestly, I can't think of one single reason why I would. And I would rather die than live without you, sweetheart." I took her hand. Thankfully she didn't move it away. I missed her touch. All she did was stare at our hands.
"I just want you to think about it before you decide to let me go. It was a stupid fling. Please understand that," I finished. I didn't realize I was crying until just then. She was crying too.
She looked up. "I'll give you two weeks to get your belongings." Was all she said.
"Adie, just think about it-"
"I have. Every second since yesterday evening. Billie, how do I know you won't do this again. You are always gone. I'm tired of worrying about you."
"You don't have to-"
"I do, Billie. I have to worry about you for the sake of our son. He shouldn't have to go through all this. If we stay together there will be even more fighting and I don't want that."
I looked back into her eyes, mine filling again with tears.
I sighed and nodded. "Can I go see him before I go?"
Adie nodded and wiped her eyes.
I walked upstairs to Joey's room. He was sitting on the floor with his Hot Wheels, making car noises. I couldn't help but laugh at him. I coughed. He got up and gave me a hug. I closed the door and we sat on the bed.
"I have to talk to you about something, Joey."
"Why are you crying, daddy?"
I gulped back more tears. "Because Mommy and me had a fight. I'm not gonna be living with you anymore."
"Where are you gonna live?" He asked.
"Probably with Uncle Mike for a while. I'll come see you, though, I promise."
"I don't want you to leave, daddy."
"I know, buddy." I tried so hard not to unload right there in front of him. "Just think of it like I'm going back on tour."
He hugged my arm. I picked him up and hugged him tight, crying a little bit harder. I wasn't gonna be here for his first day of school. I was gonna miss the experience of raising a boy into a man. I let him go before I completely lost it.
"I'm gonna go now. I'll see you probably on the weekends. You can come stay with me and Mike sometime."
He was crying too. He knew what was going on. He was such a smart boy. I ruffled his hair, trying to make him smile. He finally did. I kissed his forehead and left the room. I closed the door and slid down the wall next to his door. I was crying so hard I was shaking. I couldn't believe this was happening.
Adie came upstairs and sat next to me.
"You did this to yourself, Billie," She said. I nodded.
"I'm so sorry, Adrienne." I choked out.
"Sorry's just not enough." She stood up and helped me up. She hugged me tight and wiped the tears off my face.
"You better go. I'll see you when you come to get your stuff." She let me go and we walked down the stairs.
I got out and got in my car. I drove back to Mike's in silence. No radio. The car didn't even seem to make a sound. It felt like my ears were stuffed with cotton. I walked in Mike's and went straight to my room. Mike knew I didn't wanna talk so he just left me alone. That night was the beginning of my life as a single man. At least, for seven years...
I wrapped my arm in a towel and lay back. What the hell is going on? How could I do this to Adie? And with Emilee? I didn't even know her. I felt tears roll down face. I sat up, buried my head in my hands and bawled my eyes out. I hadn't done it in so long. I thought about taking that knife and jabbing it through my chest, but knew it would be useless. It wouldn't change what I did to her. I lay back down on my stomach and buried my face in the pillow. I must have fallen asleep because when I opened my eyes I was staring up at the ceiling and Mike was sitting on the chair in the corner.
"What are you doing in here?" I asked.
He got up and walked over to me and took the loose towel off my arm, revealing red puffy cuts from my forearm to almost the top of my shoulder.
"What happened?" He asked, not sounding shocked, but angry.
I didn't say anything.
"What happened, Billie!?" He threw the towel at me.
I tossed the towel on the floor and grabbed my shirt. "I have a party to get to."
"Adie called. She said to remind you you're not invited."
"Not if she doesn't know I'm there." I slammed the door but Mike came after me.
Before I reached the front door, he slammed me against the wall.
"What the fuck happened last night, Billie?" He held my shoulders down.
"Fuck off!" I tried moving, but it was useless. I was weak.
"You had sex with her didn't you?"
I stopped. He had seen us. I just hope he kept his mouth shut.
"What are you talking about?" I asked, acting like I didn't know what he meant.
"I saw you go out there, man. You didn't come in for about 10 minutes so I looked out the window. There you were."
"Mike, I have to go see my son."
"What did she do to your arm?" He held tighter. He was hurting the cuts close to my shoulder. I felt a warm blood drop slide down my bicep.
"Nothing. I did it, now let me go and I'll talk about it later!" I kicked him in the leg and took off out the door.
I crouched behind the bushes in the backyard, trying to catch Joey's eye without catching the eye of his mother, too. Finally, he made his way over.
"Daddy!" He gave me a hug. I made it quick so no one would get suspicious.
"Hey, buddy. How's your party?"
"Fun. Why aren't you here with me?" he asked, staring sadly at me with my eyes.
"Mom and me had a fight. It's okay though it will all be settled soon, I promise." I smiled softly.
He smiled back. He was missing a tooth in the front. It was so cute. He looked over at my shoulder. "You're bleeding."
I looked down and quickly hid my left arm behind a shrub.
"Yeah, it's just a scratch. I'm okay. Listen, buddy, I have to go before your mom sees me. I promise I will see you again tonight. I'm gonna come talk to your mom. You can't tell here I was here, okay?"
He nodded. A small tear fell from his eye. I wiped it away with my thumb, but that didn't stop mine from falling. "I'll be back." I kissed him on the forehead and wished him a happy birthday. I headed back to my car and lay my head on the steering wheel. This was horrible. It would have been so much easier if it hadn't have been for last night. Why did this have to happen? I had to talk to Adie. I had to tell her. No matter what the cost, she has to know.
I drove down the street to a payphone and dialed the house. Finally after a few rings, Adie's sweet voice answered.
"Hello?"
"Adie, it's me. Listen I know you're busy right now but I have to talk to you."
"Well, you're right, I am busy, so bye."
"Adrienne, please, just tell me you'll talk to me. Tonight. I'll be there around 8."
"Are you crying?"
"Just please tell me."
There was a pause. Then a sigh.
"Fine. I have to go. Bye." She hung up. I placed the phone back on the hook and leaned against the wall. At least I know she will listen. It's just telling her that would be the hard part. I drove back to Mike's, afraid of what chaos awaited me when I opened the door.
Mike was sitting on the couch. I walked in and he looked up.
"Where's Ana?" I asked.
"Store," He said, taking a swig from his Jim Beam. I sighed and sat down next to him.
"So you gonna tell me what's going on?" He asked.
"Last night Emilee came over. I tried to get rid of her but, well, you know how she is?" Mike nodded.
"Well, something happened and the next thing I know, I'm on top of her," I said bluntly.
"Did you talk to Adie?"
"No. I'm going tonight. I just went to see Joey. He doesn't deserve a dad who does shit like this. Maybe it would be best for me and Adie to split."
"Don't say that. You and Adie are the definition of true love. You guys will work this all out," He said, clasping me on my shoulder. I nodded.
"Now what happened to your arm? You didn't clarify."
"After we did it, I came in and cut."
"You've never done that before. What the hell made you think of that?" He asked. "Why didn't you come wake me up?"
"Well I didn't wanna jam the knife through my chest and I didn't wanna wake you up so-"
"Billie, you're full of shit! Next time, come get me! We're a band! You, me and Tre! I mean the least you could have done was call Tre!"
I began to feel even worse than I had before I told him about it. There was a few moments of silence.
"Billie, this is really scaring me," He finally said.
"Me too," I said. "And not just the cutting. I don't wanna lose her, Mike." I began to cry again. I just couldn't stop. Until those last few hours I hadn't cried since Joey was born. Now I was a floodgate.
Mike wrapped an arm around my shoulder. "You two will work it out. If not, then maybe it wasn't meant to be."
That night I knocked on the door and Joey ran and opened it. He must have known I was coming because as soon as the door opened he threw his little arms around my legs. I picked him up and hugged him close. Adie came to the door and told me to come in. She sent Joey to his room and he went hesitantly. I sat down at the table across from her. Her cold eyes were burning a hole in me.
"So what do you wanna talk about?"
"I wanna explain something to you and before you completely blow it out of proportion, just listen." She looked down at her coffee and then looked up and nodded.
I explained what happened the night Mike caught me in the bedroom with Emilee again. Then I slowly worked into the story about the night before and showed her the cuts on my arm. I knew it was a losing battle but I finally ended my story.
"Everything that happened was just this big mistake. I don't know why I had sex with her. Honestly, I can't think of one single reason why I would. And I would rather die than live without you, sweetheart." I took her hand. Thankfully she didn't move it away. I missed her touch. All she did was stare at our hands.
"I just want you to think about it before you decide to let me go. It was a stupid fling. Please understand that," I finished. I didn't realize I was crying until just then. She was crying too.
She looked up. "I'll give you two weeks to get your belongings." Was all she said.
"Adie, just think about it-"
"I have. Every second since yesterday evening. Billie, how do I know you won't do this again. You are always gone. I'm tired of worrying about you."
"You don't have to-"
"I do, Billie. I have to worry about you for the sake of our son. He shouldn't have to go through all this. If we stay together there will be even more fighting and I don't want that."
I looked back into her eyes, mine filling again with tears.
I sighed and nodded. "Can I go see him before I go?"
Adie nodded and wiped her eyes.
I walked upstairs to Joey's room. He was sitting on the floor with his Hot Wheels, making car noises. I couldn't help but laugh at him. I coughed. He got up and gave me a hug. I closed the door and we sat on the bed.
"I have to talk to you about something, Joey."
"Why are you crying, daddy?"
I gulped back more tears. "Because Mommy and me had a fight. I'm not gonna be living with you anymore."
"Where are you gonna live?" He asked.
"Probably with Uncle Mike for a while. I'll come see you, though, I promise."
"I don't want you to leave, daddy."
"I know, buddy." I tried so hard not to unload right there in front of him. "Just think of it like I'm going back on tour."
He hugged my arm. I picked him up and hugged him tight, crying a little bit harder. I wasn't gonna be here for his first day of school. I was gonna miss the experience of raising a boy into a man. I let him go before I completely lost it.
"I'm gonna go now. I'll see you probably on the weekends. You can come stay with me and Mike sometime."
He was crying too. He knew what was going on. He was such a smart boy. I ruffled his hair, trying to make him smile. He finally did. I kissed his forehead and left the room. I closed the door and slid down the wall next to his door. I was crying so hard I was shaking. I couldn't believe this was happening.
Adie came upstairs and sat next to me.
"You did this to yourself, Billie," She said. I nodded.
"I'm so sorry, Adrienne." I choked out.
"Sorry's just not enough." She stood up and helped me up. She hugged me tight and wiped the tears off my face.
"You better go. I'll see you when you come to get your stuff." She let me go and we walked down the stairs.
I got out and got in my car. I drove back to Mike's in silence. No radio. The car didn't even seem to make a sound. It felt like my ears were stuffed with cotton. I walked in Mike's and went straight to my room. Mike knew I didn't wanna talk so he just left me alone. That night was the beginning of my life as a single man. At least, for seven years...
